З життя
Десять років не можу забути його. Як жити далі?
Не можу забути його вже десять років. Як мені далі жити?
Мені було всього 23 роки, коли я поїхала вчитися до США. Молода, наївна, сповнена надій і мрій — я і гадки не мала, як одна зустріч може змінити все моє життя і залишити слід, який не зник до цього дня.
У перший же день в університеті доля звела мене з Андрієм. Він був старший за мене на десять років, українець, стриманий, спокійний — зовсім не той тип чоловіків, до яких я зазвичай тяжіла. Але коли наші погляди зустрілися, я ніби перестала чути і бачити інших. За столом сиділи два десятки людей, але я бачила лише його. Щось у мені здригнулося. Ніби я його вже знала. Ніби шукала все життя і нарешті знайшла.
Ми все частіше почали перетинатися — виявилося, у нас є спільні друзі. Поступово ми зблизилися, і незабаром почалася наша історія. Він почав вчити польську, я — українську. Це було справжнє захоплення. У його обіймах я відчувала себе собою, у його голосі чула ніжність, яку знала лише з фільмів. Я була щаслива. До того моменту, коли дізналася, що він одружений. У нього була дружина і дитина в Україні.
Світ обвалився в одну мить. Я хотіла піти, розірвати все, забути, але не змогла. Він розповів, що планує розлучення — дружина йому зрадила, їхні стосунки давно зруйновані, він просто чекає нагоди. Я страждала, металася, і врешті повернулася додому, в Україну. Але повернулася розбитою.
Три місяці я не виходила з дому. Єдиним, з ким я спілкувалася, був Андрій. Щодня ми годинами розмовляли по Skype. Він не залишав мене одну у цьому пеклі. І коли я наважилася повернутися до Штатів, він зустрів мене в аеропорту з квітами і теплою їжею, яку сам приготував. Завжди піклувався, завжди питав, чи є у мене гроші, чи не замерзла, чи поїла. Був як старший брат і водночас — моє кохання.
Але невдовзі все знову пішло шкереберть. Дружина Андрія вирішила не розлучатися — заради дитини. Він не міг її покинути, не міг покинути сина. Він чесно сказав мені, що у нас немає майбутнього. Я знову залишилася одна. Він вдруге розбив мені серце.
Пройшов рік. Я все ще не могла його забути. І тоді в моєму житті з’явився Іван — також українець, з того ж міста, що й Андрій. Ми почали зустрічатися, потім я завагітніла і народила. Ми не були одружені, але жили як родина. З Андрієм я все це час продовжувала переписуватися. Він питав про мене у спільних друзів, цікавився, як я, як живу, як дитина. Він не зник з мого життя, хоча й був десь на задньому плані.
І ось одного разу — 19 січня — ми з Іваном повинні були одружитися. Але з якихось причин ми перенесли весілля на літо. А вже 21 січня — всього через два дні — Андрій знайшов мене і сказав, що нарешті розлучився. Він був вільний. І я зрозуміла, що не можу вийти за Івана. Я не можу обманювати ні його, ні себе.
Я розповіла Івану всю правду. Що всі ці роки кохала іншого. Що не змогла забути. Що намагалася, боролася з цим почуттям, але воно сильніше за мене. Андрій теж зізнався, що ніколи мене не забував, що весь цей час думав про мене.
Я познайомила Андрія зі своєю дитиною. Він запропонував нам жити разом. І хоча моє серце розривалося від почуття провини перед Іваном, я знала — вибору немає. Я надто довго жила в минулому. Десять років я намагалася викреслити Андрія з пам’яті, але він був у мені кожну секунду.
Я не хочу забирати дитину у Івана. Я не хочу його ранити. Він — хороша людина і прекрасний батько. Але любов не вибираєш. Вона є або її немає.
Зараз я стою на роздоріжжі. Моє серце б’ється у ритмі болю і надії. Я дивлюся в очі своїй дитині і не знаю, як пояснити, що іноді, щоб бути щасливою, потрібно зробити крок у невідомість. Я дивлюся в очі Андрію — і бачу в них ту іскру, яку побачила в день нашої першої зустрічі.
Десять років тому я не знала, що таке справжнє кохання. Тепер знаю. Але це кохання принесло стільки сліз, стільки втрат, що я не впевнена, чи зможу бути щасливою до кінця. І все ж… я обираю його. Бо нічого сильнішого я в своєму житті не відчувала.
My Husband Invited His Ex-Wife Over for the Sake of the Children—So I Checked Into a Hotel to Celebrate on My Own
My husband invited his ex-wife over for the boys, so I spent the holiday in a hotel Where are you...
Never Truly Forgotten Every day, Prohor commutes from his job in London: a ride on the Tube, then the bus, before finally arriving home. The journey lasts over an hour each way. His car spends more time parked than on the road, thanks to London’s notorious rush hour traffic—he finds it easier and faster by public transport. Two years ago, his family life changed drastically; he and his wife quietly divorced. Their daughter, seventeen at the time, stayed with her mum. There were no dramas—Prohor was never one for arguments. He’d noticed his wife had changed over the years, grown restless, and often left late, claiming she was meeting friends. When he asked, —Why are you always out so late? Most wives are at home by this hour. —None of your business. Those ‘normal’ wives—just hens. I’m different: clever, social, and need more than just home. Besides, I’m not a farm girl like you. —So why did you marry the farm boy? —Picked the lesser of two evils, she’d retort before shutting down the conversation. Soon after, she filed for divorce and moved Prohor out of the flat; he’s since got used to renting and isn’t ready for marriage again, though he keeps looking. On the Tube, like most, he doesn’t waste his travel time—scrolls through social media, reads news, jokes, and watches clips. Scrolling absentmindedly, one image jolts him—it’s an ad: Folk Herbalist Mary, Natural Remedies He recognises the face immediately—his first love from school: unrequited, unforgettable. He remembers her well, that strange but beautiful girl from his class. Barely making his stop, he rushes home on foot, skipping the bus just to clear his head. Inside, he forgets his dinner and sits in the corridor, staring at his phone, jotting down the number in the ad before his device demands a charge. While his phone powers up, memories flood back: Mary was always different from their first day in Year 1. Quiet, modest, with her school dress a little below the knee—unlike the other girls. Their small village outside Oxford was a place where everyone knew everyone, but no one knew much about Mary. She lived with her grandparents in a unique house by the woods—like something out of a fairytale. He fell for her—childishly, yet to him, seriously. She had a handmade rucksack with beautiful embroidery, and rather than the usual “hiya”, she’d always greet people with: “Good health to you.” She was like a character from an old English legend—never rowdy, always polite. One day Mary missed school, and the kids went to check on her. Outside the village, they saw her home—and a crowd: her grandmother’s funeral. Mary in her headscarf, wiping her tears, her grandfather silent but present. After the burial, the children were even invited in for the wake. That memory stuck—his first funeral. Mary returned to school soon after. Time passed, the girls matured, took to makeup and fashion battles. Only Mary remained as dignified and natural as ever, her cheeks rosy without a hint of blush. The boys started courting; Prohor tried his luck with Mary. She didn’t respond at first, but at the end of Year 9, he managed: —Can I walk you home after school? She replied, quietly, privately, —I’m promised, Prohor. It’s tradition in our family. He was confused—what tradition? Later he learned her grandparents were Old Believers, her parents having died young, leaving her their legacy. Mary excelled at school, wore no jewellery, kept to herself despite the others’ gossip. She blossomed every year, by Year 10 there was no denying her beauty. After graduation, classmates scattered. Prohor moved to London for university. He heard Mary married her betrothed and moved to a remote village, living a simple rural life—herding cows, working the land, raising a son. None of their classmates saw her again. “So that’s what Mary does now,” Prohor muses, “Herbalist… Looks even lovelier than before.” Sleep eludes him, morning comes and the routine repeats—work, but the past and beautiful Mary won’t let go. First love never fades, always stirs the heart. After several days in a daze, he finally messages her: —Hello, Mary! —Good health, she replies, unchanged as ever. “What concerns you?” —Mary, it’s Prohor, your old classmate. Remember we shared a desk? Saw you online—had to write. —Of course, Prohor, the brightest lad in our class. —This is your number, can I ring you? he asks. —Of course, she replies. After work, he calls; stories and memories exchanged. Where do you live? What’s life like? —I’m still in the old family home by the woods, she tells him. Came back after my husband died—a bear attack in the forest… Grandfather’s gone too. —Sorry, I had no idea… —It’s alright, Prohor, it was long ago. Life goes on. You’re just calling for a chat, or do you need some herbs? I sometimes advise. —Just wanted to say hello. No herbal remedies needed, just saw you and all the memories came flooding back. Miss the old village—my mother’s gone now. They reminisce and say goodbye. But a week later, restless, Prohor calls again: —Hi, Mary. —Good health, Prohor. Missing someone or fallen ill? —Just missing you, Mary—please don’t be cross, but could I visit you? —Come if you like, she says, unexpectedly. Whenever you get the chance. —My holiday’s next week, he beams. —Good, you know the address. He spends the week preparing, choosing gifts for Mary—wondering what she’s like now. At last, he drives from London to his old village—six hours, not a hardship, he loves long drives. Arriving, he’s shocked at the changes. New homes, shops, even the local factory thriving, the high street buzzing. —Wow, thought our village, like so many others, must’ve faded away. But it’s thriving, he says aloud. —It’s a proper town now, replies a passing pensioner with pride. Been granted borough status for ages. You haven’t been back for years, have you? —Years and years, says Prohor. —Our mayor’s a good man—really cares about the place, so it’s grown and blossomed. Mary waits for Prohor at the old house when he calls to say he’s arrived. As his car turns in, Mary’s heart races. No one ever knew how she’d loved Prohor since school—a secret she’d have carried forever had he not reappeared. Their reunion is joyful. Sitting for hours in the gazebo, the old house your typical English cottage—aged, yet welcoming. —Mary, I’ve come on business, he says, with a serious look. —I’m listening, she answers a bit nervously. —I’ve loved you all these years, surely you can’t still turn me away? Mary leaps up, throws her arms around him. —Prohor, I’ve always loved you, too—since I was a girl. Prohor spends his holiday with Mary, and as he leaves, he promises, —I’ll sort things at work, switch to remote, and come back for good. I’m not going anywhere else—I was born here, and here I’ll make myself useful.
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