З життя
«Як мама зіпсувала стосунки з онукою через нав’язування одягу»
«Вона ж старалася»: як моя мама зіпсувала стосунки з онукою, нав’язуючи їй одяг
Моя мама вже багато років намагається одягати мою доньку — і, на жаль, робить це, зовсім не розуміючи, що лише псує з нею відносини. Моя донька — підліток, у неї давно сформовані смак, уподобання, свій стиль. Але бабуся наполегливо продовжує купувати їй одяг, нічого не питаючи, не радячись, не вникаючи. Просто приходить і передає пакети з речами. І щоразу — ті самі сльози, докори, образи. Бо донька не хоче це носити. А мама — ображається.
— Я старалася, вибирала, а вона навіть приміряти не хоче! — говорить вона з докором, ніби дитина зобов’язана бути вдячною просто за сам факт подарунка.
А я ж добре пам’ятаю, як було в моєму дитинстві. Мама завжди купувала речі за принципом: «щоб на десять років вистачило», «щоб немарке», «щоб з міцної тканини». Ніхто не думав про красу, моду чи комфорт. Мене одягали так, як було зручно їм. А мені доводилося згоджуватися — адже грошей не було. Лише коли я почала сама заробляти, вперше дозволила собі вибирати одяг за смаком, а не за довговічністю шва.
Коли я стала на ноги, вирішила порадувати маму — купити їй щось гарне, нове. Але вона одразу ж відмахнулася.
— Що ти мені купила? Я в цьому, як лялька. Мені вже не двадцять. До того ж — речі твої неякісні, прання боюсь. Після першого разу — і на ганчірки.
Вона відмовлялася носити те, що я їй пропонувала, і продовжувала купувати собі те, що «можна носити десять років». Ну що ж, змирилася. Хай ходить, як хоче.
Але коли в мене народилася донька — мама ніби ввімкнула старий сценарій. Дістала з комори мішки з дитячими речами мого дитинства. Якісь кофточки, фартухи, сукні з латками. Частину я відклала — у хорошому стані, шкода викидати. Решту — у сміття. Дізнавшись про це, мама влаштувала скандал:
— Ці речі я берегла! Як ти могла?!
З того часу вона почала купувати «нове». На її думку — нове. На вигляд — ніби секонд-хенд. Де вона це знаходить — не розумію. Але донечка тоді була ще маленькою, і не так важливо було, у чому вона повзає по хаті. А от коли підросла — почалося.
У дівчинки сформувався свій стиль. Вона сама обирає собі одяг, ми разом ходимо по магазинам, і я намагаюся купувати те, що їй дійсно подобається. Бо знаю: те, що не до смаку — вона не надіне.
Але бабуся продовжує робити по-своєму. І з десяти років між ними постійні конфлікти.
— Чому ти не носиш кофточку, яку я тобі подарувала?!
— Бо вона мені не подобається.
— Ти зіпсована й невдячна! — кричить мама, дивлячись на мене. — Це ти її так виховала!
А я просто втомилася. Втомилася пояснювати, що любов — це не про нав’язування. Я багато разів просила:
— Будь ласка, не купуй їй одяг. Подаряй краще гроші, подарункову картку, книжку, прикрасу. Що завгодно, але не речі.
Але мама не чує. Вона вважає, що все робить правильно. Що ми просто не цінуємо. Що онука — груба, невдячна. Що я — погана мати, бо «дозволяю їй усе».
А насправді — я просто дозволяю своїй донці бути собою. І сподіваюся, що колись мама це зрозуміє. Поки не пізно. Поки між ними остаточно не виросла стіна.
*Іноді найважче — дати близьким бути такими, які вони є, без умов і наполегливих порад. Бо справжня турбота — це повага до вибору, а не нав’язування власних уявлень про щастя.*
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