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«Три котлети на моїй тарілці: чоловік обурився і сказав, що мені треба схуднути»

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Колись, давно вже, поклала я на тарілку три котлети — а чоловік розлютився й заявив, що мені треба схуднути.

Шість років у шлюбі, і троє дітей на руках. Старшому, Тарасу, п’ять років, доньці Олені — три, а найменшому, Данилкові, ледь півроку. Мене звуть Ганна, і мені тридцять шість. Завжди мріяла про міцну родину, і ось воно — все є. Тільки останнім часом відчуваю, ніби втрачаю саму себе.

З Олександром ми зустрілись, коли мені вже йшло за тридцять. Подруги вже давно виходили заміж, народжували, обговорювали школи та іпотеки, а я все ще шукала свою долю. Робота — дім, дім — робота. Так і котилось.

А потім з’явився він — високий, впевнений, колишній спортсмен, тепер начальник відділу. Я й не сподівалась, що можу йому сподобатись. Але він виявляв увагу, запрошував на зустрічі, цікавився моїми справами. А коли запросив познайомитись з матір’ю — зрозуміла: все всерйоз.

Його мати — добріша жінка не буває. Відразу прийняла мене, назвала «сонечком» і підштовхнула Сашка до пропозиції. Ми одружились, і я була щаслива. Через дев’ять місяців народився Тарас, і я пішла у декрет. Потім — Оленка, а далі й Данилко. З того часу я більше не поверталась на роботу. Весь мій час — дітям та хаті.

Тарас ходить на танці та малювання, Оленка вчиться вдома зі мною. Вважаю себе гарною матір’ю. Але є одне «але» — я дуже поправилась. Зараз важу майже вісімдесят кілограмів, хоча колись було сорок дев’ять. Раніше встигала двічі на тиждень ходити до спортзалу. Тепер у мене троє дітей, і знайти хвилину для себе — неможливо.

Пару разів пробувала робити зарядку вдома — не встигаєш розпочати, як один просить пити, інший — на горщик, третій — на ручки. Бувають дні, коли ледве знаходжу сили встати з ліжка, не кажучи вже про вправи.

Спочатку Олександр жартував: називав «пухначкою», «ведмедиком». Здавалось, йому це навіть подобалося. А потім — перестав. Почав мовчки дивитись на мене, зітхати. А далі — пішли дорікання.

Того дня ми сіли обідати. Я поклала собі три невеликі котлети — була голодна, зранку нічого не їла. А він раптом вихопив дві котлети з моєї тарілки, шпурнув їх назад на сковорідку й холодно промовив:

— Тобі треба схуднути. Ти себе бачила?

Я оніміла. А він додав:

— Якщо я закохаюсь в іншу, винувата будеш ти. Мені ж потрібна жінка, з якою хочеться бути. А ти… ну, сама подивись.

Ці слова ніби вдарили по обличчю. Я опустила очі, стиснула губи. В голові вертілось: «А він правий… Мабуть, я справді себе запустила. Я негарна. Я втомлена. Я більше не цікава…»

А я ж теж хочу — до майстра, на манікюр, на масаж, хоча б у кафе. Але в нас немає ні часу, ні грошей. Все йде на дітей, гуртки, оренду, кредити, одяг для чоловіка — адже він начальник, має виглядати гідно. Допомагаємо і його матері — пенсія в неї невеличка. А на себе — нічого не лишається.

Буває, стою в примірочній, міряю щось і плачу. Бо все мені мало. Все сидить погано. Відчуваю себе негарною і непотрібною.

Чоловік заробляє непогано, але грошей не вистачає. А в мене немає свого доходу — я не працюю. Ніби в пастці: немає часу, щоб вийти на роботу, і немає сил, щоб вирватись з цього кола.

Боюся, що він піде. Бачу, як він дивиться на інших жінок — струнких, доглянутих, легких. Я стараюсь. Чесно. Але в мене немає можливості бути «ідеальною». Я тільки й роблю, що варю, прасу, годуІноді здається, що якби не його мати, я б давно зламалась під вагою цих слів.

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