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«Діти забороняють мені вийти заміж: між минулим і майбутнім»

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Звуть мене Марія, і мені 44 роки. Ще зовсім недавно я й уявити не могла, що опинясь у такій емоційній пастці. Усе життя я прожила з одним чоловіком, моїм чоловіком, батьком моїх дітей, моїм супутником, моєю опорою. Ми були разом понад двадцять років. А торік він раптово пішов. Серце. Пішов, не попрощавшись, залишивши в хаті порожнечу, а в душі — прірву, що розколола моє життя.

У нас двоє дітей. Син — студент третього курсу, вже дорослий, розумний, спокійний. Донька — тільки цього року закінчила школу, вступила до університету, така молода, ніжна. Я пишаюся ними, вони — увесь мій світ. Але… вони бачать у мені лише матір. Лише вдову.

Два місяці тому в моє життя увійшов Богдан. Ми познайомились випадково, на ярмарку, куди я пішла просто, щоб не збожеволіти від самотності. Він виявився добрим, чуйним, справжнім чоловіком. Не тиснув, не вимагав, просто був поруч. Ми почали зустрічатися, спочатку просто гуляли, потім — вечері, розмови до пізньої ночі. В його очах я знову відчула себе жінкою. Живою. Потрібною. Коханою.

І от нещодавно він зробив мені пропозицію. Просту, щиру: «Маріє, будь моєю дружиною. Давай почнемо все з чистого аркуша. Разом». Я розридалася. Не від смутку, ні — від страху. Я ж знала, що мої діти цього не приймуть.

Довго набиралася мужності та все ж таки наважилася розповісти. Я сіла скорихну з ними, як колись розповідала, що чекаю їх, як колись вчила зав’язувати шнурки, як провожала в перший клас. Тільки цього разу все було інакше.

— У мене є людина… — тихо промовила я. — Його звуть Богдан. Ми разом. І він запросив мене стати його дружиною.

Те, що почалося потім, було не криком, а бурею. Гнів, образа, шок.

— Значить, ти вже забула тата?! — ледь не скрикнула донька, і в її очах стояли сльози.

— Ти хочеш привести в наш дім чужого чоловіка?! — кинув син. — Ти зрадила батька!

Вони дивилися на мене, як на чужу. Я намагалася пояснити: я не забула. Я пам’ятаю кожну зморшку на його обличчі, голос, сміх, запах після гоління. Але він пішов, діти мої. І я не можу його повернути, як би не хотіла. Я живу. Я дихаю. І я хочу бути поряд з тим, хто змушує моє серце битися знову.

Але вони мене не почули.

Тепер я між двох вогнів. Я не знаю, що робити. Якщо вийду за Богдана — втрачу дітей. Вони перестануть спілкуватися, підуть з мого життя. Якщо відмовлю йому — залишуся сама. Адже діти — не назавжди. Сьогодні вони зі мною, а завтра в кожного буде своя сім’я, свої клопоти. А я? Я буду просто «мамою, що сидить сама в хаті».

Я сказала Богдану: «Дай мені час. Може, вони зрозуміють. Колись». Він кивнув. Обійняв. Сказав, що дочекається. Тільки я не певна, чи вистачить його терпіння. І він має на це право. У нього немає моїх спогадів, мого болю, моїх дітей. Він просто хоче бути поруч. І це не злочин.

Мені боляче від того, що мої діти не бачать у мені живої людини. Я прожила чесне життя. Я була вірною дружиною, відданою матір’ю. Не кидала, не зраджувала, не руйнувала. Чому ж тепер, коли я просто хочу бути щасливою — мені за це треба вибачатися?

Я не звинувачую дітей. Я розумію: їм страшно. Вони бояться, що Богдан витіснить батька з пам’яті. Що я зітру минуле. Але цього не станеться. Він завжди буде з нами. На фотографіях, у історіях, у серцях. Але я — тут. Я — жива.

Іноді ввечері я сижу біля вікна, дивлюся на місто, де в кожному вікні — своя доля. Хтось закохується. Хтось одружується. Хтось народжує дітей. А хтось просто… живе. І я розумію — я теж хочу жити. Не існувати. Не виживати. А жити.

Я не знаю, який вибір зроблю зрештою. Але я точно знаю: я не злочинниця. Я — жінка. І я маю право на щастя.

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The Carer for the Wife — What do you mean? — Lida thought she must have misheard. — Where am I supposed to go? Why? What for? — Oh, can we just skip the dramatics, please? — he grimaced. — What’s not clear here? There’s no one left for you to take care of. Where you go is none of my concern. — Ed, what’s wrong with you? Weren’t we planning to get married…? — That was your idea. I never said any such thing. At 32, Lida decided to turn her life around and leave her small hometown. What was left for her there? Endure her mother’s nagging? Her mother simply couldn’t stop scolding Lida about the divorce, constantly asking how she managed to “lose” her husband. Yet Vas’ka wasn’t worth a kind word—drunk and a womaniser! How did she end up marrying him all those eight years ago? Lida wasn’t at all upset about the divorce—in fact, she felt she could finally breathe again. But she argued constantly with her mum about it, and they also fought about money, which was always in short supply. 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