The Worth of Lifelong Friendship

The price of a lifelong friendship

But we, Gwen and I, had always hoped you two would end up together

I know you and Gwen are friends, but I cannot marry someone I feel nothing for. That would end badly for me and for her.

A fine, persistent drizzle clung to the windows, making the courtyard seem even more drab.

For Emma and Gwen, steadily rocking their prams, the grey blessing was merely background to their endless, leisurely chat. They had been best friends for years and, almost simultaneously, had become mothers. Emmas son, Mark, was a sturdy lad; Gwens little girl, Ellie, had the sharpest eyes Id ever seen.

Look at him, Emma, how serious he looks, Gwen smiled at Mark. And whos this serious little fellow? Hell be a professor one day, I can already tell. Always tinkering.

Im not so sure, Gwen, Emma replied. At the moment hes more about making a ruckus than inventing anything. But who knows And your Ellie? Shes still tiny, but sprightly a little commander in the making.

Exactly! Gwen winked. When she grows up Ill send her to the theatre, or to dance, or to a choir. She must keep her talents, never shy away from the stage. Right, Ellie? she cooed, patting the babys head. Will you be an actress? And you, Mark, where will you study?

Emma tried to straighten his tiny cap.

Mark reached out, clumsily trying to pinch Gwens finger, while Ellie twirled in her pram, clearly curious about the commotion.

Those are the first tentative steps toward future relationships, look how Ellie wants to stare at Mark, Gwen mused, catching Emmas eye. I wonder what will happen when theyre grown. If they stay as close as we are

That would be wonderful, Emma smiled, picturing it. Imagine if they fell in love someday? Wed become inlaws, with shared grandchildren!

Precisely! Gwen brightened. Theyll have known each other since the swaddling cloth, will share all our quirks and their own. Itll be easier for them to understand one another. I hadnt thought of that, but its brilliant.

Neighbours with dogs and babies shuffled past, umbrellas bobbing, nodding politely.

Years slipped by unnoticed.

Mark and Ellie truly grew up side by side. Their first steps were taken together, their first words heard by each other. Nursery, then primary school, then Year1 they walked every stage handinhand. It seemed the mothers predictions were hitting the mark. Mark, fond of quiet games, always yielded the most interesting toy to Ellie. She, ever the leader, decided which game theyd play, when to do their homework, and whose backpack shed carry in the hallway.

But by Year5 things changed.

Mark, becoming more independent, grew tired of handing over concessions to Ellie. Where once hed given her a toy simply to keep the peace, now he wondered why he should keep giving. Why did she always boss him around?

Mark, give me that car! Ellie demanded, snatching his hand. You never play with it anyway.

I wanted it, Mark replied.

So what? I wanted it too, and Ill let you play, but only when Im in the mood! Ellies voice rose. And youll obey me!

Mark held his tongue. He remembered his mothers words that they should stay friends, that their families were practically one. He didnt want to sour the bond with childish grudges, so he endured. He endured when Ellie claimed the best seat on the bus, dictated how they should play, looked down on his hobbies

At some point Ellie fell for him, still issuing orders but now with a soft spot. Mark, however, felt nothing but tolerance.

When they turned twentyfive, Marks patience hardened into a cold habit. Ellies oncecute cheekiness turned into a relentless cling. She hovered, waiting for the moment Mark would finally see her as his destiny.

Mark, son, you look thoughtful today, Emma tried to draw him out over breakfast. Why so grim? Its time to think about serious things, like a family

Mark, more interested in his phone than the conversation, merely grunted.

You know, Emma fumbled for the right words, you get along so well with Ellie. Shes a lovely girl, a bit loud, but perhaps thats what youre missing I think it would be wonderful if you married. You two fit together naturally.

Mark had heard this line for years.

Mum, were just friends, like you always said. I dont want to marry her.

Friends Emma replied, youve known each other forever! You went to the same nursery, sat at the same desk in school. It isnt just friendship; it feels like fate, Mark! Where else will you find a woman who knows you as well as she does?

Ive never felt anything for Ellie beyond friendship, Mark said, eager to end the talk. And even that friendship has faded. Maybe I tolerated her as a child because she was fussy and I didnt want a fight. Now shes just an old acquaintance. Im not interested at all, Mum.

But how can that be? She adores you! She always says how clever you are

She says that to everyone she likes, Mark shrugged.

A tactic? Emma pressed. Do you think shes deceiving you?

No, Mum, she isnt. She just craves attention, wants to be the centre of it all. I cant give her more than friendship. I feel nothing romantic, nothing that one feels for a beloved.

But we, Gwen and I, always hoped youd end up together

I understand youre friends, but I cant marry someone I have no feelings for. It would end badly for both of us.

Feelings can appear, Mark! Emma persisted. How many times has that happened? First friendship, then love

If I dont feel it, I dont, Mark stood, and Ellie isnt the woman Id spend my life with. Her idea of happiness differs from mine, and they dont line up.

Emma sighed, pitying Gwen. She could see the dream tugging at Gwens heart, yet she also understood Mark.

On the same day, not far away, Ellie was scrolling through Marks profile. Rare pictures of him brought a smile to her face. He seemed different, not like the boys who had tried to win her over.

When will you understand? she whispered to herself.

She loved him! She couldnt imagine life without him! She wanted to marry him, yet he might someday wed someone else that could not be allowed.

Ellie, love, their mother called in.

Hi, Mum! Ellie beamed. What have you been up to? Where have you been?

I was out with Emma, talking about you again! Gwen flicked a knowing glance. She says Mark is stubborn, wont think about the future. Well try to persuade him.

Stubborn? Why? He never tells me anything

He says he has no feelings for you. Can you imagine? Gwen rolled her eyes. All these years side by side, and no love, huh?

But Ellie began, hes always been there, always listened.

Exactly! Gwen exploded. Youve known each other since the swaddling blankets. Feelings are fickle; they might appear. The main thing is to stay close. Dont give up! Mark just hasnt realised youre incomparable.

Im not giving up, Mum.

Emma, alone at home, felt uneasy. She valued her friendship with Gwen, yet she could see how tired Mark was of the constant matchmaking.

You know, Gwen, she said one evening over the phone, I think I may have overstepped with this idea. Mark truly feels nothing for Ellie. He told me the pressure is weighing on him.

Pressure? Gwen was surprised. What kind of pressure? The desire for our childrens happiness? It would be easier if he agreed, first for Ellies sake. Ive always told her they would marry.

Gwen, for us mums it would be lovely. But for them? They should live their own lives, not ours. If Mark feels nothing, then thats that.

But what should I tell Ellie? I see no one else but Mark for her.

Ellie remained in the picture, meeting Mark only occasionally, as if by chance. She dated a few lads, none lasting long.

Mark had little time for romance; work consumed him. Then Alice entered the scene, complicating things. At first Emma thought it was a flippant fling, but when Mark introduced them, the situation grew tense.

How do you picture this? Alice scolded when she left, Were still celebrating with Gwens family, living like one big clan! How do I tell Ellie youll now bring a girlfriend to every gathering? Shell lose it, Gwen wont forgive it

Mum!! Mark shouted, Mum, pull yourself together! Havent you gone too far with your meddling? Youre telling me who I may date because Aunt Gwen would be hurt!

I wouldnt dictate, but Ellie loves you, Emma replied quietly.

Emma kept silent, yet Gwen had now issued an ultimatum: if Mark brought another woman into the family, Gwen would cut ties with them all. That meant Emma would lose her dearest friend.

I cant return her affection. Not at all, Mark confessed.

But she suffers, Mark!

I see that, Mum. Im sorry. I simply cant give her what I dont have. I cant force myself to love. It would be a lie to both of us.

But Emma stammered, perhaps you just havent noticed? Youve known her forever; maybe youve just become used to her as a friend, when in truth

I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. No romantic spark, no desire to spend every moment together. Were too different, Mum. Very different.

Gwen never forgave Emma for that. They drifted apart, meeting only through mutual acquaintances, Gwen barely acknowledging her former confidante.

One day, at a friends wedding, Mark and Ellie found themselves sharing a table.

You look lovely, Ellie, Mark broke the silence.

You as well, Mark, she replied, Ive never stopped thinking of you

I know, Mark sighed. Thats why its so hard. I cant live up to your expectations. Im not the man who can make you happy the way you deserve.

Why not? Im ready to do anything!

Because I dont love you, Ellie. And I doubt I ever will. Our mothers have stopped speaking because of this, but theres nothing I can change about myself. Im sorry.

Ellie no longer wanted to issue ultimatums, just as her mother had taught her.

I understand, Mark, she whispered, Forgive me. I guess Ive lived too long in a fantasy.