I Refused to Move My Mother into Our Flat and Am Now Left Feeling Guilty

I turned down my mothers request to move in with us, and I was left feeling guilty.

Dont you dare refuse your own mum! my mum declared, as if it were a law. I only need to stay a week while youre getting the flat refurbished. What, are you sorry about losing a few square metres for me?

Shed called three times that morning, each call more insistent than the last.

Mum, were as packed as a tin of sardines, I tried again, hoping the humour would slip through. Jack is sleeping on the sofa because Beatrice and Harry need their own room. Where would I put you? On the balcony?

I wasnt exaggerating. I have two teenage kids and a husband, Tom, whos been out of work for half a year. We live in a twobedroom council flat in a quiet suburb of Leeds. And I also have a mum in another town and a younger sister, Lucy, who has always been Mums favourite.

Oh, go on then, Mum switched to a flattering tone, and I felt my palms start to itch. Youll always find a place for mum, youre such a good housekeeper!

Id heard that tone since I was a child. It was the same voice Mum used when shed say:

Emily, youre grown enough to look after Lucy while I pop off to the café, alright?

I was ten then, Lucy was two. Instead of doing homework or playing with dolls, I truly sat with my little sister

Mum, I cant talk right now, I fibbed. My milks about to run out.

I hung up, poured myself a coffee, and knew Mum wouldnt let it go.

Sure enough, an hour later she called again, this time from a different angle.

Emily, love, you know Lucys getting married, dont you? Harrys a proper lad from a respectable family his parents run a dental practice! Imagine that. Of course theyll need their own place, you understand. I cant be a burden by staying with them!

That was the moment I realised the flatrenovation excuse was a red herring.

So theyll be living with you? I asked.

Yes.

How can you be a problem for me but not for them? the words slipped out before I could bite my tongue.

Nina! Mum gasped. What are you saying? Im your mother! I raised you, stayed up all night for you!

Ah, that raising business

Shed really looked after me when I turned fifteen, sending Lucy and me off to Granddads farm while she chased after a new boyfriend. Granddad would just shake his head:

Ah, girls, youve got a tough one for a mother

I tried to stay calm.

Mum, why not have Lucy and Harry rent a flat? Or perhaps his parents could help they do have a dental practice, after all.

Why would they waste money on rent when theres a gorgeous threebedroom flat available? Mum retorted. They need to save for a car, for kids! And you youre selfish, youre the one I always thought youd become! Ive known it all along!

That was the last straw. Id held on as long as I could, but I couldnt stay silent any longer.

Selfish? I shouted. Me? Mum, seriously? When I was sixteen I worked in a café just to help you out. When I gave up my graduation dress to buy Lucy a computer for school. When I handed over all our wedding savings to you and stepdad for that urgent operation that turned out to be a holiday abroad?

Emily, stop the tantrum! Mum snapped. You always exaggerate and play the victim!

Im not playing the victim; Im simply refusing to be one, I replied, dryly.

There was a pause on the other end while Mum mulled over my words.

What are you talking about? she finally said. Emily, pull yourself together!

Mum, I wont house you, I sighed. Not for a week, not for a day. Live with Lucy, find a flat, or ask Harrys parents for help. I have my own family, my own problems, and Im not going to finance yours any longer.

Youll regret this, Mum whined. When Im gone youll be weeping at my grave, begging for forgiveness! Too late then! Remember my words!

Those words had haunted me since childhood, making me cry, feel guilty, and once again fall for her pleas. But I was no longer a little girl. I said a dry goodbye and hung up.

A week passed. Mum stopped calling, and I almost believed it was over. How naïve I was!

On Saturday morning the phone rang. Seeing Lucys number flash on the screen, I felt a sudden dread, as if the heavens were about to open. And I was right.

Emily! Lucy sobbed into the receiver. What have you done? Harrys left! Hes gone because of you!

Lucy, calm down! I cried. What happened?

Mums gone mad! Lucy wailed. She said you refused to let her stay with us, that she was useless, so shed have to live with us! Harry stayed three days and then ran off! He said he cant live like this, that shes driving him crazy with her advice and control! Emily, its all your fault!

My head spun. Hold on Mum wanted to let you and Harry have her flat, is that right?

Yes! We thought wed stay there until we could save for our own place. And they wanted to move Mum in with you. But now Lucy broke down again.

Now that you wont help, she says we have to look after her in old age! And Harry Harry said its either her or him!

And you chose Mum?

What else could I do? Shes mum! But now hes gone, and its all because of you! If youd taken her in, none of this would have happened!

Sounds like a right drama, I muttered to myself.

Lucy, I said, your relationship didnt fall apart because of me or Mum. It broke because of your choice. You could have found a solution youre an adult now. You could have rented a place for her, or looked for a shared flat like many do. You could have talked to Harry and reached a compromise. Instead you picked the easiest route blaming me.

Youre heartless! Lucy shrieked. Youve always been cold and calculating!

No, Lucy. Ive just learned to protect myself, and thats perfectly alright. Too bad you havent figured that out yet.

I hung up and turned off the phone.

Tom appeared in the living room with a fresh mug of coffee.

Family again? he asked.

Yeah, Lucy this time. Some family drama.

He said nothing, letting the silence speak.

I think I finally understand something, I said.

Whats that?

That I dont have to be convenient for anyone not for mum, not for my sister, not for anyone. I have the right to my own life.

I pulled Tom into a warm hug.

Welcome to the selfish club, love. Weve got good tea.

The phone rang once more. Of course, it was Mum.

Well, look at that, she cried, sounding tragic. Because of you Lucy is moving out to a flat! Shes abandoning me, just like you! Everyones abandoned me! Selfish, ungrateful lot!