Escaping the Chains of Emotion

I still recall how the feeling of being trapped by desire finally loosened its grip.

Back in the ninth year of secondary school, Eliza first noticed that Thomas seemed to have eyes on her wherever she turned. Even in the back of the classroom she could feel his gaze drilling into her, and whenever he glanced her way she caught his stare in return.

Girl, youve got Thomas looking at you like a hawk, laughed Maggie, her closest friend, nudging her.

I know, Eliza replied with a shy smile, his dark eyes feel like theyre boring straight through me. Yet she delighted in the thought; she liked him.

One afternoon, after the final bell, Thomas lingered on the school steps, waiting for her. He sounded a little nervous as he spoke.

Eliza, may I walk you home?

Eliza hesitated, but Maggie gave her a reassuring push, and she agreed.

Fine, well be going the same way anyway, she said, trying to sound indifferent.

As they walked, Thomas chatted, they laughed, and Elizas heart leapt. Their friendship soon blossomed into a schoolyard romance, and before long the whole school knew they were a couple. Thomas stayed close, and if anyone from another form tried to talk to Eliza, he would brush them off in a flash.

Eliza had always been a pretty girl. Even on her first day of primary school, Miss Eleanor praised her, My dear, what lovely eyes you have!

When the final year approached, Eliza and Thomas decided to apply to the same university. They passed their Alevels with flying colours, then the graduation ceremony marked the end of school life and the beginning of adulthood. After the exams, Thomas put forward a suggestion.

Tomorrow, why dont you come to my cottage in Kent? We could stay the night and celebrate our results. We did well, after all.

Eliza sensed Thomas was pressing for something more intimate. She pushed back, and he took it as a slight.

Were both adults now, forget your principles. It will happen eventually Youve read Romeo and Juliet, havent you? They were younger than us and no one condemned them. Everyone admired their love, he coaxed.

Eliza listened in silence, partagreeing, but fear gnawed at her. She was terrified of losing Thomas, the boy shed grown accustomed to, even if the thought of parting seemed unthinkable.

Thomas grew irritable.

Come on, Eliza, just say yes!

Im not sure what if my mother wont let me stay the night?

And what about my parents? Cant you think of anything else?

Elizas mother, a stern woman, glanced at her daughter and said, Dont even think about it. I know what youll get up to, and Ill have to clean up after you.

Mom, Thomass parents will be there, and his older sister too, Eliza lied, keeping eye contact. Dont you trust me?

After a moments thought, her mother waved a hand. Fine, go on. I wont be able to keep an eye on you anyway. Its improper, a girl going to a boys cottage, but

The whole bus ride was a nervous clutch of hands. Eliza felt Thomass unease as well. She imagined what might happen. When they finally arrived, Thomas took her by the hand into a sittingroom where a sofa lay waiting. Seeing it, she tried to pull away.

Dont be nervous, love, he said gently, pulling her onto the sofa.

A sudden light flooded the room as he flung open the curtains, then he lunged at her.

Eliza pushed him off with all her strength, leapt from the sofa, and fled the cottage, sprinting toward the bus stop. No bus was there, and she turned to see Thomas waiting.

Im seeing you off, he called, and I dont want to hear any of your excuses.

At the school ball he avoided her entirely, Maggie kept asking, but Eliza stayed mute. He never called after the dance. A week later, pride set aside, she dialled Thomass number. His sister answered.

Thomas has moved to London to start university. I thought youd know

Twenty years have slipped by since then. Eliza married Edward, had a daughter named Alice, and settled into a quiet life. Thomas never called, they never met, yet his silhouette haunted her dreams.

One night he appeared again, hand in hand, strolling through a field of daisies while a river glittered in the distance. She smiled; he looked at her with a sorrowful farewell, then reluctantly let go and vanished.

She woke, looked at Edward sleeping soundly, and sighed with relief.

Hes a proper sleeper, she murmured. Always loves his nap.

Sleep still eluded her, though the hour was early. She slipped out of bed, headed for the bathroom, and paused at Alices room to see her daughter dozing, golden hair fanned across the pillow. Under the showers stream she thought:

Why does Thomas keep visiting my mind? After each dream I feel out of sorts, a vague melancholy creeps in. I wonder if marrying Edward was a mistake. Weve lived these many years in a comfortably dull routine no passion, no romance, just everything neatly scheduled.

She prepared breakfast, intending to rouse her husband, but he rose already. They ate together while Alice enjoyed her holiday summer. Just then the phone rang.

Hello, Eliza, chirped Maggies bright voice, sorry to call so early, but weve got important news! Our class is reuniting for the twentieth anniversary of our graduation.

Eliza had missed the last two reunions.

Hi, Maggie. Youre still the classs indefatigable organiser, I see. When?

Next Saturday.

Saturday? Edward and I were supposed to head to the countryside to visit his relatives

Never mind, we can scrap that, Maggie snapped, youve already skipped twice, Eliza.

I had good reasons

Mend it, love, and youll be there, or well all march down to your doorstep!

Eliza laughed, All right, Ill be there. Wheres the venue? A restaurant?

Right now we havent nailed it, Maggie confessed, but it wont be a restaurant. Well be celebrating at Thomass place.

Elizas mind flickered. He kept appearing in my dreams for a reason, perhaps.

Maggie went on, Thomas has built a huge twostorey house and invited us all over.

What about his family? Is his wife okay with this? Eliza asked, clueless about his life.

Molly, his wife, is off in Turkey with their son. Theyre happy, you know. Im divorced now Anyway, you must come.

Fine, give me the address, Eliza said, Edwards at work, already by the door.

Edward grumbled as she left, Those classmates of yours are a bother. What have you not seen?

I havent seen them, she replied, and Im not asking permission Im just stating facts. We sit at home, do nothing. Even a trip to the village feels weary. Im fed up with cooking, cleaning, laundry, like a servant.

Dont whine, love, Edward said placidly, Im a home tyrant if you like. No objections. In fact, buy yourself a new dress you should look presentable!

Thanks, I will, she smiled.

The night before the reunion, Eliza lay awake, the weight of two decades pressing on her. She finally drifted off, remembering the day they finished school as if it were yesterday.

On the day of the reunion she stepped out of a taxi, pressed the buzzer at the high iron gates of Thomass estate, and a moment later the door swung open. Thomas stood there, tall, handsome, with an air of respectability.

Welcome, dear guest, his velvet voice greeted, and she felt a shiver. Come in, unless youre still a coward, he teased.

Hello, Eliza replied, stepping into the courtyard.

Thomas embraced her, planted a kiss on her cheek.

You look wonderful! Even more beautiful than before a sight that scares me, he exclaimed, eyes dark as midnight.

She blushed, lowered her head, and followed him toward the house. He caught her hand, and they entered together.

Yay, Eliza! Maggie shouted, running over to hug her.

Later, as the evening waned, guests drifted home. Thomas lingered beside Eliza.

Stay a bit, help me tidy up, he suggested, sweeping his arms over the dining table.

I dont know, she said, unsure.

What dont you know? Maggie chimed in, Someone has to help.

Fine, Eliza muttered.

When the last guests left, Thomas seized her hands.

This washing up was just an excuse to keep you, he whispered.

Why? she asked, uneasy.

I dont know, he murmured, rubbing his cheek against hers. Seeing you made me realise how much Ive missed you all these years.

His warm breath ghosted her neck.

Eliza, youreyoure still the same, he said, shedding his jacket and pulling her onto the sofa. You know whats tired me: a wife, frivolous women who care only for money, and then you, fresh and lovely

The words hit her like scalding water.

Frivolous women! Im nothing but a distraction to him, ano, I wouldnt betray my husband for any of that, she thought, rising abruptly, pushing Thomas away, and bolting out of the house.

She reached the gate, and her phone rang Edwards voice through the speaker.

Sweetheart, on your way? he asked.

No, love, Ive already called a cab, Ill be home soon, she said, trying to keep calm. Thanks, dear. Youre the best.

Of course, love, he laughed. Cant wait for you.

She slipped into the taxi, and as the doors shut she heard Thomass angry shout from behind.

Dont think you can run forever, youll always be the same pretty thing!

She slammed the taxi door, the vehicle lunged forward, and she thought, Let him rage. Let his house freeze over. I finally broke free from his grip, forever.