Driven to Distract: My Journey with the Ex-Husband

Alex, just sit with Charlie for a few hours, Emily snapped, her eyes boring into him. I have an appointment with the doctor.

I cant, Alex shot up from the sofa, his tone sharp. Im meeting the lads. Ive got a shift later.

Alex, Im serious. My migraines wont stop, my backs killing me. After the birth everythings falling apart

Emily, do you want me to repeat myself? he snapped, annoyance plain on his face. I cant. Move it to another day. Ive already made plans.

Alex tugged on his jacket, rummaging through the pockets.

I cant move it. The booking was set three weeks ago.

So youll just wait another three weeks, he shrugged as if it were nothing. Nothing catastrophic will happen to you.

The front door slammed. A soft whimper drifted from the nursery Charlie had woken again. Emily sighed, pulled out her phone, and dialed the clinic, the tinny hold music a cruel substitute for the usual ringtone. Finally, she got through.

Good morning, I need to cancel todays appointment

She collapsed onto the sofa. Postnatal health had become a cruel lottery. One moment her spine seized, refusing to straighten; the next her head throbbed as if a hammer was pounding from within. Doctors waved their hands, saying she needed tests, but tests took time. And someone needed to watch the baby.

Alex cared little. The past two years felt like someone had swapped his soul.

During the pregnancy hed literally carried Emily in his arms. He lugged heavy grocery bags, cooked, even gave her foot massages at night. He told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world, that he was endlessly happy. Emily believed every word, thinking shed hit the jackpot with him.

Then Charlie arrived, and everything shattered.

Screams, endless diaper changes, sleepless nights peeled away whatever mask Alex wore, exposing a different man. He shouted at Emily when the house wasnt tidy, berated Charlie when he wailed in the night, flung objects, slammed doors, fled to his mates and returned after midnight.

Look at yourself! he roared, pointing a finger at her. Do you even recognize the woman in the mirror? Wheres my lovely wife? Youve turned into a beast!

Emily stared back, seeing dark circles under her eyes, disheveled hair, a stained cotton tee, extra pounds that clung despite eating barely twice a day. How could she find a moment for herself when Charlie had a fever, a toothache, a colicky tummy?

You think the babys everything, Alex snarled, pulling on his boots. Do you even need me?

She stayed silent, unsure what to answer. Yes, she thought of Charlie constantly he was her son, after all.

Exhaustion hit a breaking point; she just wanted to lie down and never get up. Four walls closed in around a wailing infant and a husband who saw himself as the familys sole victim.

Her career offered no hope. The firm where shed worked folded after the owner fled with debts; the office was shuttered, staff dismissed. She was on maternity leave, so the blow was softer, but Charlie would soon be three, and a threeyear gap on a résumé plus a tiny child made any prospective employer cringe.

Still, she dreamed. She imagined dropping Charlie at nursery, stepping onto a London bus, riding the tube to an office, chatting with real people instead of a toddler fixated on cartoons. She wanted a life beyond the flat and her son, to remember who shed been before motherhood.

Charlies third birthday, Emily organized everything herself. He roamed the flat in a fresh jumpsuit, cheeks pink with excitement. Alex was nowhere to be seen.

Emily, wheres Alex? asked Margaret Turner, his mother, glancing around as if expecting him to appear from behind a curtain.

I dont know, Emily forced a smile. Hes probably running late.

How can he be late? demanded James Turner, Alexs father, frowning. Its his sons birthday!

Emily shrugged. Shed called Alex a dozen times, texted, but heard nothing.

The guests exchanged uneasy glances, saying nothing. Helen, Emilys mother, squeezed her hand under the table a silent support that changed nothing.

The party was strained. Charlie was delighted, the adults kept up a façade of normalcy.

Emily cut the cake, poured tea, smiled at the guests while something inside cracked, splintering into shards that could never be reassembled.

As night fell, the guests left. Charlie fell asleep instantly, never waiting to be changed. Emily tucked him into his cot, smoothed the blanket, and returned to the living room, where chaos reigned: dirty dishes, torn packaging, deflated balloons.

She began cleaning mechanically, mindless, stacking plates, wiping the table.

A clink of keys in the lock made her freeze. She glanced at the clock midnight. She peered into the hallway.

Alex stood in the doorway, swaying, his eyes bloodshot, shirt rumpled, cheap perfume clinging to him, a bright red lipstick mark on his cheek. He froze when he saw her.

Emily, its not what you think, his voice cracked. I had a whisky, I lost my head one mistake I swear it wont happen again!

Emily exhaled slowly, a chill crawling up her spine as if ice had poured over her heart.

Where were you? she whispered.

I I was out with the lads. We went into a bar, there were girls, and one

You chose a girl on your sons birthday, she cut in. You were with some girl when Charlie turned three!

Emily, please forgive me! Alex lunged forward. I didnt mean to! It just happened!

Just happened? Emilys voice trembled. Youre a liar, a betrayer. I trusted you completely. We have a family. I thought youd never stoop that low.

Youre to blame! Alex exploded. Look at yourself! There are beautiful women everywhere, and I come home to you! Of course I get restless! Im a young man! I want love!

Emily turned and fled to Charlies room. Alex called after her, but she didnt look back. She shut the door, lay on the narrow bed beside the sleeping boy, staring into the darkness.

At dawn she packed a bag hers and Charlies. Alex grabbed at her arm, pleading for forgiveness, a second chance. She didnt waver. She hailed a cab, loaded the suitcases, and drove to her mothers house.

The first weeks were rough. Charlie didnt understand why they now lived with Grandma, he cried for his dad, called out. Emily held him, kissed his forehead, whispered that everything would be okay, though she didnt believe it herself.

Gradually life settled. Helen helped with Charlie while Emily hunted for work. After a month she landed a modest job steady pay, reasonable boss. The divorce was finalized; Alex didnt fight it, only asked to keep seeing his son. Emily agreed; Charlie still loved his father.

Months later she moved into a tiny flat of her own. It was spartan, but it was theirs her and Charlies home.

Alex began dropping by. At first rarely, then more often, fixing a leaky tap, assembling a bookshelf, walking Charlie. Emily allowed it, not for herself but for the boy. Charlie laughed with his dad, clung to his neck, and Emily couldnt strip that away.

Six months after the split Alex remarried. Emily spotted him in a shopping centre with his new wife, Vicky sleek, stylish, hair glossy, dress crisp.

Alex still visited, even more frequently, praising Vickys housekeeping, her looks, Shes like a model.

Emily nodded, fury bubbling beneath the surface. Even after the divorce he managed to wound her.

Then a thought sparked. She could get back at him, petty but fair.

She started calling Alex constantly, any excuse.

Hey, Alex, Charlie wants to go to the park, can you come?

Alex, the kitchen tap is leaking, could you help?

Alex, Charlie misses you, when will you be here?

He showed up each time, realizing the boy needed his fathers love. Their chats stretched for hours; she recounted Charlies antics at nursery, asked questions, laughed. Alex seemed eager for this connection.

Soon Vickys voice flared from the phone.

Alex, are you chatting with her again? Stop it!

Alex brushed it off, but Emily heard the irritation in Vickys tone and felt a strange relief.

Months passed. One evening Alex turned up unannounced. Emily opened the door to his haggard face.

Were divorcing, he blurted, stepping inside.

What? Emily slammed the door shut, pressing her back against it.

Vicky left. She couldnt take it.

Couldnt take what?

Us. Our connection, he said, eyes darting.

Emily smirked, coldly.

What connection, Alex?

You know the time we spend together. I thought we

What, were together again? she crossed her arms. No, Alex. Ive been seeing someone else for a month now, and Im happy.

Alexs face twisted.

What? With who?

It doesnt matter. It matters that Im not with you.

He stared, stunned.

You think Id wait for you? she laughed. Seriously?

What about the child support you owe? Youve been feeding me lies! his voice cracked into a shout. You used me! I helped you, I was there, and you

I never promised anything, Emily said calmly. You showed up when I needed you. You acted like a dog begging for scraps. But I dont need you. I cant even afford to feed a cat, let alone a man.

…

What?! he snarled.

Go, Alex. Dont come back without warning, she snapped, opening the door wide. Youre not a man, youre a petty, vengeful snake.

Maybe, Alex muttered, grabbing his coat and bolting. Youre the one who made me this way.

Emily shrugged. Perhaps. But you asked for it.

The door slammed. Emily leaned against it, closed her eyes. There was no triumph, no reliefonly a hollow emptiness.

She knew shed crossed a line, but Alex had once shattered her dignity, her hope, her love. Shed simply returned the blow.

She entered Charlies room. He slept, arms outstretched. She sat beside him, stroked his hair, and for a moment the world felt still.