Refusing to Hold On: A Story of Letting Go

I still recall the day I told him I was leaving. Im walking out, Edward! I shouted, my voice rattling the thin walls of the flat we shared on a modest terraced street in Leeds. The feeling that had been nagging at me for weeks finally broke loose. He stared at me, his eyes wide with a sudden, bewildered panic that Id never seen before. It was as if the whole world had tilted on its axis.

Fine, then go, he snapped. You cant make someone love you by force. He tried to sound steady, but his hands trembled.

Not everything ends here, he added, surprising me with a sudden ferocity. Milly and I will take the girls with us. They deserve a proper father and mother.

Millythe girl Id met at a mutual friends garden partyhad been the first man Id ever thought fit my idea of a quiet, respectable English bloke. He was goodlooking, softspoken, and carried an air of pleasant bewilderment that I found oddly attractive. In contrast, every man Id known before him seemed to stride through life with a selfassured certainty, as if theyd read the instruction manual to adulthood.

We spent an entire evening chatting in the local pub, and I was enthralled by his stories. Then, as Edward slipped away to the restroom, Millys friend Margaret, who had invited me to her birthday dinner, leaned in and whispered, Watch him, Poppyhes got a trailer.

A trailer? I asked, puzzled.

Literally, Margaret replied, lowering her voice. Hes got two kids.

Two children? I hadnt heard a word about any offspring all night, nor any mention of a wife. If there were children, there must be a wife, I thought.

The truth turned out to be more tangled. Edwards partnerwell, his belovedhad fled the scene months earlier, leaving behind twin daughters, Lily and Rose, to be raised by him and his widowed mother in a cramped council house that smelled faintly of damp and tea. No wife, no wedding ring; just a promise that had never been fulfilled. The woman, Clara, had vanished, taking nothing but a suitcase and a heart full of guilt.

What a turn of events! I muttered, halfamused, halfaghast. A man with a trailerthats practically a rarity these days!

Edwards bewilderment made sense now; anyone could lose their bearings when a sudden family secret erupts. I pressed him, Why didnt you tell me about the girls?

He stared at the floor for a moment, then answered honestly, Everyones scared to speak up. I thought youd run off, too. I didnt want you to leave.

I wont run, I replied, feeling a strange resolve settle over me. I hadnt wanted to run anywhere. I kept my word.

He walked me home, and we agreed to meet again. Edward was taken with Liz, a brighteyed woman hed met through a university gathering. She, too, was drawn to his quiet demeanor, even in spite of the threeyearold twins that peppered his life.

My mother threw me out when my sister Margaret invited me to her birthday, Edward confided one rainy afternoon over a pot of Earl Grey. She says Ill go feral if I dont settle down. Raising kids isnt exactly a jolly good time.

His mothers reaction was understandable. A year earlier, their sons former partner had abandoned the twins, leaving them to the mercy of strangers. The family had taken them in, a sort of civic bravery that felt almost heroic in those tough times.

Liz, at twentyfive, already carried the scars of a failed marriagea youthful, stormy romance that ended without a single child to show for it. Their relationship had been nothing more than intermittent meetings while they both finished their final year at university. When they finally moved in together after registering their marriage, the cracks in their outlooks on life became glaringly obvious.

Everyone says its the little things that count, Liz would say, echoing a familiar English proverb. But what if our little things clash?

The answer, many would argue, is compromise. Yet Edward was adamant: My word is law. I watched as Liz bowed to his stubbornness, fearing shed become a frightened wife, while Edwards promises turned out to be far from what Id imagined.

After graduating, Liz secured a job at a local office, but Edward struggled to find suitable work. Every position seemed wrongwrong hours, a boss who lacked sense, or simply another dead end. What I want isnt here, he would sigh, exasperated.

Meanwhile, my old friend Harold, ever the witty unemployed fellow, settled at home, insisting, Weve got enough, love! The modest inheritance from my late grandmothera modest terraced house in the suburbswas not what Id pictured for a traditional English family life. Harold contributed nothing around the house; chores were left to me, and I began to feel more like a maid than a partner.

Then get yourself a servant, your highness! Liz joked once, fed up with hauling laundry behind Harold. Or at least hire a cleaning service.

It became clear that Harold was the wrong horse Id bet on. He turned out to be a halfbaked pastry, sweet on the surface but empty inside. His indifference drove me away for three long years; I ate my fill of his excuses.

And then Edward reappeared, like a character from a Dickens novel making a sudden return. He proposed, introduced me to his familymy motherinlaw Agnes, and the twins Lily and Roseand I found myself falling, heart first, into this unexpected union.

The home was a shabby haven, a relic of postwar austerity. I, too, had once contemplated ending it all, not by gun or coercion, but by my own choice, a voluntary sigh into the void.

My mother never understood, she would shout, Why do you chase after this chaos? There are decent men out therewhy pick a pathology?

I swear, Edward is perfectly normal, Id protest weakly.

Of course hes normal, my father would counter, Hell soon hang himself with his own sins! Do you realize whats waiting for you?

Whats waiting? Id ask, bewildered. If Id given birth to my own twins, what would have happened?

Nothing like this, my father raged. Your own children are one thing; other peoples are another. The mother ran off, but you cant erase genes! Theyll grow up with quirks. He stopped, unable to finish his thought.

I wondered why theyd grow up with quirks, but I believed that a familys foundation rested not just on blood, but on love and upbringing.

The wedding was modest. Neither set of parents attendedthe grooms mother stayed with her granddaughters, and the brides parents had long since drifted away. We simply sat in a quiet café with a few witnesses and exchanged vows.

Afterward, Edward, now with his trailer, moved into the old terraced house. Soon the Bennett householdnamed after Edwards surnamehad three boys in the form of Lily, Rose, and a newborn daughter, baby Emily, whom I bore.

Gradually, the grandparents thawed. The twins, now teenagers, began to help their greatgrandmother with chores, and the inlaws grew fond of each other. The first wife, whom Edward had once been married to, lost parental rights after a fierce battle led by Agnes, who shouted, Ill catch him and cut him down! Unfortunately, the alimony never materialised; Clara had vanished for good.

The twins knew I was not their biological motherthey remembered flickers of a different mum from early childhood. Hiding the truth seemed pointless. As they grew, they brought joy to everyone, and Edward and I settled into a regular, respectable life.

When the twins turned fourteen, the first wife resurfaced as if nothing had happened, claiming she was back. Edward returned from the shop one day, emptyhanded, and announced hed met Clara again.

What Clara? my daughter asked, having long forgotten any mention of such a name.

My Clara, Edward replied, the word cutting like a knife. I felt a sudden churn; all that had seemed settled now trembled.

Where did you see her? I demanded.

At the corner shop, he muttered.

What was she doing? Just standing there?

Just standing

Just standing? Was she waiting for something? I asked aloud, my voice shaking.

What did she say? Did she say anything to you? I pressed.

She finally muttered, Im back. Ive sorted my life. The tone was casual, as if shed simply returned from a holiday.

I realised Edward had once again found his greatest lovea woman who, despite the years, still held the same sparkle. He called her my Clara as if the world had never shifted.

Clara, with a soft smile, suggested we start anew, Ollie, love, shall we? She brushed his hand tenderly, a secret code theyd used in their most private moments.

Edward seemed to float away on a tide of nostalgia, as if the heavy years had vanished.

Do the girls remember me? Clara asked, eyes bright.

The twins, now accustomed to their mothers presence, looked at each other and replied, Of course we do, were not strangers. Their voice wavered, But whos this pale lady youre pointing at?

Its your real mother, Edward declared, trying to convince them that I was an impostor.

The other mother is the one who disappeared a hundred years ago, the one Granny Agnes always cursed, Lily snapped. Are you talking about her?

Ive changed, Ive learned my mistakes, Clara insisted. We should be a family again.

The girls, puzzled, responded, Were happy for you, but why does this involve us?

The law says were the biological parents, and the court will side with us, Edward asserted, his voice hardening.

You think you can just snatch them away? I retorted, steadier than I felt.

Its all in the papers, Edward snarled. Well get custody, and youll sign the papers.

The day was a Sunday, everyone at home. Edward announced to the twins that soon they would all live together.

Yes, we already live together! shouted Lily and Rose in unison, their giggles filling the kitchen.

No, I mean with your real mother, Edward clarified.

Theyre looking at each other, then Lily said, What are you on about? Thats our mum! and pointed at me, pale and shaking.

No, theres another biological mother!

The one who ran off a hundred years ago? The one Granny Agnes always wanted to punish? Rose asked sarcastically. You really think shell change now?

Clara replied, Shes changed, shes learning.

Were glad for her, Rose said, but what does that have to do with us?

The point is were a family now, whether you like it or not, Edward declared.

I stayed silent, letting the girls decide. Their voices rose, Dad, are you serious? Do you really think we should live with this stranger?

Edward snapped, Dont speak of your mother that way! He seemed genuinely upset, perhaps for the first time.

He then left, probably heading back to Clara, as there was nowhere else for him to go. He later filed for divorce.

In the courtroom, Edward tried to reclaim the twins, but the judge, considering ten years of the girls development, ruled in favour of Liz and the children. The court recognised that at fourteen, the twins wishes mattered more than a fathers claim.

Clara, never hearing from the twins again, disappeared for good. The girls, now aware that I had legally adopted them years ago, kept their secret safe. When they turned eighteen, they thanked me for the life Id given them, even if their biological mother had been a fleeting shadow.

Months later, Edward, looking disgruntled, barged into our kitchen clutching an empty shopping bag and shouted, I ran into Clara at the shop!

What Clara? I asked, already weary of his stories.

My Clara! he blurted, eyes wide. The words hung heavy in the room.

Did she say anything? I demanded.

She she just stood there, he muttered.

What do you want from her? I asked, my voice steady.

He hesitated, then whispered, I want to start over, with you and the girls.

Your start over means taking them from me? I spat.

He tried to argue that the law was on his side, that he was the biological father, that he had a right to the children. I replied, My word is law now, Edward. You cant just waltz back in and rewrite years of history.

The argument grew louder, the kitchen echoing with accusations and old wounds. In the end, Edward left, his shoulders slumped, and the twins watched him go, their faces a mixture of sorrow and relief.

Years later, I sit on the porch of the old terraced house, the garden blooming with roses and lavender. I think back to that chaotic time when love, loss, and a handful of twins turned my life upside down. The world has moved on, but the memory remains, a reminder that families are forged not just by blood, but by the choices we make and the love we nurture.