For My Mother, Looking After Her Granddaughter Seems an “Impossible Task.

Dear Diary,

My mother finds looking after her granddaughter absolutely impossible. All my friends have mothers who can step in without a hitch, yet my mum keeps telling me the same thing: Shes my child, I raised yours. My daughter, Lily, is five and goes to the local primary school in Birmingham. Two years ago, after my maternity leave, I returned to work as a teacher in the early years department, and I cant afford many days off. In situations like this I would love to have my mother nearby.

When winter rolls in I have a lot of free time because we dont own a holiday cottage. Mum spends her days at home, apart from the occasional TV programme and phone calls with her friends. She has no other activities. Last week we visited the optician and discovered that Lily has vision problems. I called Mum to tell her we needed to take Lily to the clinic for ten days. We pick her up from school at oneoclock and drive her there in the morning. The school, the clinic and Mums flat are all within a short walk of each other.

Lily is wellbehaved, and Mum knows that. She isnt grumpy, she doesnt make a fuss, and she eats what shes given. Still, she has a strong aversion to looking after her. One day I needed Mums help because both my wife and I had to go to work.

It would be wonderful if she could stay with us for a few days, but she simply isnt able. Fortunately we have relatives nearby. My grandmother lives next door and lately seems to have plenty of spare time, so it would make sense for her to watch Lily while we are at the office. She lives close, so theres no extra cost, and it would lift a great deal of stress from both me and my wife.

Since Mum retired I have been supporting her financially. I send her money each fortnight and pay the rent for her flat in full. When my wife and I go shopping we take Mum along and she settles the bill herself. For every holiday I buy Mum an expensive present, and she takes all of it for granted, assuming its my duty as her daughterinlaw to feed her and foot the rent. I dont understand it at allmy child is my responsibility, not something Im obliged to hand over to someone else.

Grandparents are not obliged to look after their grandchildren, yet many do. I wonder if that expectation is right. It hurts deeply; I try so hard for my mother and she doesnt seem to appreciate it.

Lesson learned: caring for family must be a twoway street, and I must set clearer boundaries for my own wellbeing.