З життя
I Kicked My Brother-in-Law Out from Our Anniversary Dinner After His Offensive Jokes Ruined the Celebration
Oliver, have you found the best china? The set with the gold rim, not our everyday plates. And check the napkins, would you? I starched them so they’d stand up nicely, just like in a proper restaurant, Margaret bustled around the kitchen, smoothing down a rebellious strand of hair. The oven was releasing the mouth-watering aroma of roast duck with apples, the vegetables were just about cooked for the hot side dish, and the fridge was crammed with salads she’d chopped till midnight.
Oliver, my husband, obediently started rooting through the cupboard above the larder.
Mags, honestly, what’s with the fuss? It’s just family my brother, mum, and Auntie Jean. You could serve them on tin plates as long as their glasses stay full, he grumbled, hauling down the box of English bone china.
No moaning, please. It’s our anniversary, after all fifteen years, the crystal anniversary and I want everything just right. Besides, you know what your brother’s like. If I put out the regular plates, he’ll say we’re going broke. If there’s a chip on one, he’ll call us slobs. Best not give him any ammunition for his tired jokes.
Oliver sighed heavily coming down the steps. He knew I was right, though he’d never admit it out loud. His elder brother, Geoffrey, was to put it kindly tricky. Or, if I used the words I usually reserved for a chat with my girlfriends, a classic lout who mistook rudeness for working man’s honesty.
Just try not to rise to him today, Oliver said as he dried the plates. Rough time for him now. He lost his job, Gwen’s left him. He’s got a temper on him.
That ‘rough time’ has lasted forty years if you ask me, I snapped, tasting the gravy. Anyway, his wife left him because she saw sense, not because of bad luck. I’ll put up with Geoffrey as much as my upbringing allows, but if he starts again with his jibes about my hips or your pay, I make no promises.
The doorbell rang precisely at five. First came Oliver’s mum, Mrs. Wilkinson, a mild soul who worshipped her sons especially the eldest, Geoffrey, never mind all his nonsense. Then Auntie Jean arrived, with Uncle Michael in tow. Geoffrey, naturally, was forty minutes late everyone was already sat at the table giving glum looks to the dying canapés.
Geoffrey burst into the entryway, trailing cold air and the reek of cheap fags.
Here I am! Thought you’d seen the last of me, eh? his booming laughter filled our snug semi. Eh, Ollie, thought I’d skimp on a gift? Here you go!
He shoved a parcel in newspaper at Oliver.
What’s this? Oliver stuttered.
Top notch, mate a set of screwdrivers from Poundland. Bet you’ll use these more than that hammer you can never find, eh?
I had to force a smile as I greeted him.
Hello, Geoff. Come in, give your hands a wash. We were wondering if you got lost.
Geoffrey gave me a look up and down, and honestly, it made my skin crawl.
Well, well, Maggie! Gussied yourself up, haven’t you? That a new dress? Shines like a Quality Street wrapper, that does. Or is it to distract from the wrinkles? Only joking! Still a fine figure of a woman, though. Solid.
Oliver coughed, trying to break the awkwardness.
Geoff, take a seat, mate. Duck’s getting cold.
Once at the table, Geoffrey set to work. Not bothering to wait for a toast, he filled his glass to the brim with whisky, skewered a bit of herring, and started holding court.
Cheers to you both! Fifteen years! How you’ve not strangled each other, I can’t say. I lasted five years with Gwen and wanted to top myself. Wives, eh? Like leeches, the lot of them. Suck you dry. Still, Oliver, you’re lucky yours can actually cook. Mind you he shovelled the herring down and made a face bit heavy on the salt there, Maggie. Fallen in love? Or is old age making your hand shaky?
Mrs. Wilkinson, ever the peacemaker, tried to cut in.
Oh Geoffrey, don’t be unkind. Margaret’s food is wonderful. Try the beef salad, it’s lovely.
Beef, eh? Geoffrey belted out a laugh. Makes sense. Our Maggie does have a strong tongue. You need it in this family! Still, Mum, don’t spare her feelings. Criticism is healthy. That’s just me, always blunt people respect that, you know.
As I put down the hot duck, I felt a slow burn rising in me. I glanced at Oliver. He sat, face downward, pretending there was something fascinating about the tablecloth. He was frightened of his brother. He hated a scene. Mostly, he was terrified I’d lose it and ruin the occasion.
Just breathe, Margaret, I told myself. It’s just one evening. For Oliver’s sake. For his mum.
So, Geoff, how’s the job hunting? You said that interview last week went alright?
Geoffrey waved his hand, already pouring a second glass.
Dont get me started. All idiots. I walk in, snotty lad barely out of uni starts grilling me about computer skills. I said, ‘Listen, son, I was earning a living while you were still learning the alphabet.’ He tells me I’m not suitable! Well, their loss. Maybe I’ll start my own business. Once I save up a bit… Actually, Ollie, mate, could you lend us a fiver till next month? The pipes at home are stuffed again; want to get the plumber in.
I froze, salad still in hand.
Geoff, you still haven’t paid back the couple of hundred quid you borrowed for the car repairs last summer, I reminded him calmly.
Geoffrey flushed, then went straight on the offensive.
Listen to her, eh, with the accounts. Watch out, Oliver, she’s keeping tabs. Step out of line, it’s curtains for you. I’m asking my brother, not you. Or does she keep you under the thumb so badly you can’t even help your own flesh and blood?
Oliver looked from me to Geoffrey, torn.
Geoff, honestly, were short ourselves. Just finished paying off the mortgage. And threw this dinner
I see your running out of money Geoffrey sneered, stabbing at the duck. Living it up, though! Red salmon, fancy cheeses. Living the high lifejust not for your own brother. Theres the truth, Maggie. Honest, if a bit tight. Squirrelling it all away for yourself, and family can do without.
Dont work yourself up, dear, Mrs. Wilkinson tried softly, putting another roll on his plate. Eat something. Margaret spent all day cooking.
Yeah, course she did. Bet she puts just as much effort in for her boss, eh? Geoffrey winked, and the gesture turned my stomach. Heard they made you assistant manager, Maggie? Wonder how you managed that. Cant be just those pretty eyes. Or all those late evenings, eh?
Silence dropped over the table, thick enough to choke on. Even chatty Auntie Jean stopped chewing. Oliver looked up, face mottled brick red.
Geoff, what the hell’s wrong with you? he said beneath his breath.
What? Im only saying what everyones thinking! Geoffrey banged the table, whisky having done its worst. Youre a mug, Oliver. Taking home peanuts, while wifey climbs the ladder. Think she loves you? She feels sorry for you, mate. Or maybe youre just handy to fetch and carry. Look at yourself. Youre hopeless!
Enough, I heard my own voice, calm and steady, even though my hands shook. I set the salad down.
Ooh, she speaks! Geoffrey jeered. Hurt by the truth, are we? Never understood what Ollie saw in you anyway. Not much to look at, and a right nag. My Gwen had her flaws, but she was a beauty. You? Just a schoolmarm with delusions. Youve got a good man under your thumb.
I looked at Oliver. I was waiting; waiting for him to stand up, raise his voice, throw the brute out. But he just sat there, head ducked, knuckles white round his fork. As usual, paralysed by habit, by the bullying hed known from his brother since boyhood.
If not you, then me, I thought.
I got up. Smoothed my dress. And in a voice so cold it even made Uncle Michael blink, I told him:
Get out. Now.
Geoffrey let out a scoffing laugh.
Did you get too hot behind the oven, girl?
I said: get up and leave my house. Right now.
This is my brothers house too! Geoffrey half-yelled. Oliver, did you hear her? Shes chucking me out! Your own brother! Say something!
Oliver met my eyes. I saw the battle in him if he stayed silent, if he didnt back me now, thered be nothing left when the party was over. No anniversary to celebrate, nothing but the shards of a broken marriage.
Geoff, Oliver said, voice rough, go. Please.
Geoffrey gaped. He must have expected tears, or a row. But we stood together.
Oh, I see how it is. Mum, they’re kicking your own flesh and blood out! Over a joke!
That wasnt a joke, Geoffrey, I came round the table, pointing at the hallway. You insulted me. You humiliated your brother, in his own home, at his table. You’ve eaten our food, drunk our wine, and chucked mud all over us. My patience’s done. Ive put up with you for fifteen years for the sake of peace. But there is no peace just your boorishness and our endurance. Times up. Out.
Well, sod the lot of you! Geoffrey stood so quickly he knocked over his whisky, spilling a crimson stain over the snowy tablecloth. Go choke on your fancy salads! Never setting foot in this house again!
Im delighted to hear it, I replied. And by the way therell be no more hand-outs. Get a job or start that business youre always on about, but leave us out of it.
Geoffrey turned purple. Grabbing the half-finished bottle (Waste not, want not, I could see him thinking), he stomped towards the hall.
Oliver, youll regret this! Siding with your wife! Henpecked wimp!
The door slammed so hard the glasses in the cupboard shivered.
The silence that followed was dense enough to cut. Only the clock ticked, and Mrs. Wilkinsons shaky breaths. She sat with her handkerchief pressed to her lips, tearful.
Margaret she quavered. Must you be so harsh? He doesnt mean it, really. Hes just gets carried away. And he drank too much.
I turned to her. My composure started to fray, but I held it.
Mrs. Wilkinson, I said, gentle but clear, ‘Carried away is getting a bit loud. When someone demeans a woman and calls his own brother a nothing that’s called being a scoundrel. I won’t turn my home into a dump for his rubbish any longer. If you need to feel sorry for him, that’s your right as a mother. But not here not at my table.
She sniffled but didn’t answer. Auntie Jean, far more practical, clinked her fork against her plate.
Ducks lovely, Mags! she declared. Melts in your mouth. You did right, lass. About time someone put that oaf in his place. He stood on my foot all through your wedding dance and never said sorry. Oliver, pour me more red this is stressful!
The mood broke. Oliver, as if shaken awake, grabbed the corkscrew. His hands trembled, but he looked at me with something I hadn’t seen in ages a mixture of gratitude and, maybe for the first time in years, respect.
Im sorry, he whispered as he poured me some cordial. I shouldve done it myself.
Never mind, I squeezed his hand. What matters is, you did.
The rest of the evening was far more pleasant than I’d expected. With Geoffrey gone, the air seemed fresher. The jokes were gentle, the laughter genuine, and the stories flowed. Mrs. Wilkinson brooded for a while, but after a couple glasses of homemade liqueur and a wedge of my British Victoria sponge, she was even singing along with Auntie Jean.
After everyone left, Oliver and I sat among the wreckage of plates and glasses. I slumped into a chair, staring at the wine stain on the tablecloth.
Doubt thatll ever come out, I sighed. Mum gave me that.
Oliver hugged me from behind.
Forget the cloth. Ill buy you a new one ten if you like. You were brilliant tonight. I kept thinking how blind Id been, letting him torment you all these years. But I grew up with it: Mum always said Let Geoff have his way, hes difficult. So I did.
I know, Ol. Its hard to break the habit of a lifetime. But were a family. A crystal one delicate, but beautiful. And Im not letting any lout with a cheap set of screwdrivers smash it.
We shared a shaky laugh, finally releasing all the tension of the evening.
Speaking of screwdrivers Oliver picked up the forgotten Poundland box. Funniest thing is, Ive already got this exact same set. He gave it to me three Christmases ago and mustve taken it back for himself, just to regift!
Well, theres consistency for you, I smiled.
The next morning, Olivers phone rang off the hook. Geoffreys number glared on the display. He glanced at me, peaceful with my coffee and book, then silenced his phone and put it face down.
Not answering? I asked.
No. Let him stew. In fact, maybe I wont answer at all. Last night was the quietest in years.
Your mum might fret, I said.
Shell get by. Maybe she needs to realise Ive got some bite; in fact, we both do. Were a team now, right?
Team peace-and-duck, I agreed, with a small laugh.
A week later, Mrs. Wilkinson informed me Geoffrey was telling all the cousins that hed been chucked out for no reason by a madwoman while his poor brother cowered under the table. People shook their heads and tutted, but strangely, family dropped in for tea more often and behaved with saintly politeness. Evidently, the legend that bad manners arent welcome here did more for our house than any security system.
Oh, and the tablecloth? I got the stain out with Grans old remedy salt and boiling water. Both Geoffrey and the stain are gone from our lives now. Took a bit of effort, bit of sting, but alls clean and bright again.
Tonight, with Oliver, I realise: Some things, like family, are fragile and should be protected fiercely. But sometimes, tidying up means standing up for yourself, for your peace, and for the warmth that comes after the storm.
