For Five Years, Helena Thought She Was Married to Her Husband—But Realised She Wanted to Live with Him as if He Were Her Mum

For five years, she believed she was living with her husband, but only later did she realise shed been hoping to live with him the way shed lived with her mother.

Emily grew up in a quiet English village. Thats where she was first struck by Cupids arrow. She fell in love with James, and he with her. Together, they decided to escape their small hometown. They told their parents they were heading to London to save for their wedding. And indeed, they went to London to earn some money. But before long, they decided there was no point in spending all their savings on a big wedding.

They did whats popular these days: a registry office ceremony in trainers and jeans, gifts only in the form of cash, and instead of a traditional wedding reception, just a simple buffet. The money from the gifts went straight towards the deposit on their flat. Still, when they visited home, their mothers threw them a modest gathering to celebrate.

Five years passed since the wedding. The couple decided to wait before having children, since their wedding gifts hadnt been enough to pay off the mortgage. Emilys mother, a determined woman whod raised her alone, would remind her with every phone call that she was waiting for grandchildren. But Emily wasnt ready yet. There was no rush, and so they continued to wait.

Then, out of nowhere, Emily began to take issue with things about James that had never really troubled her beforeat least, not enough to mention. She rang me up one evening and said:

Hell spend ages chatting on the phone with others, but with me, its just hello, goodbye, and thats it
Im sure when he gets home from work, youll both have plenty of time to talk.
I want to watch a romantic film after work, but he just stares at his horror movies.
Youve only got the one telly? These days you can watch anything youd like on the laptop with headphones. Still, its hardly what youd call family time if youre both sitting next to each other but focused on different screens.

Exactly! I dont think James understands me at all!
Thats quite an interesting way of putting it.
Why are you laughing?
Alright, Ill stop. Tell me, Emily, when do you both have the best time together?
On holiday, or when we have friends over Hes always so sweet then

We ended up talking for nearly an hour as Emily told me how they met, and how everyone had envied her when James asked her out. From what she said, I gathered that one of her main troubles was an unfulfilled wish to show off to others, to be admired. And there was something else…

Emily, how do you picture the ideal marriage?
Well, it definitely includes children.
Thats the answer everyone gives, but as you know, quite a few marriages struggle after children arrive
A husband should be interested in how Im feeling, how things are going at work He should notice my outfits, praise my cooking
Doesnt James do those things?
He says the foods nice, but it doesnt feel enough for me.
Alright, tell me exactly what happens say he comes home, youve made mashed potatoes and sausages for tea, then what?
He rubs his hands together, grins, and digs in.
But thats a compliment too! Youd feel pretty awkward if he pushed the plate away and said he wasnt hungry!

Emily was quiet for a moment; I dont think she really grasped the root of her complaint. Still, she couldnt help but feel uneasy about her marriage. I found myself wondering what exactly she was dissatisfied with. To confirm my suspicions, I asked about her relationship with her mother.

It turned out her mother was a very emotional person, often fussing over her with questions and comments. Yet, whenever something went wrong, her mother was always there to reassure her that all would be well.

They say we often marry people like our parents, or those who give us the love we missed. Emily never knew her father, so she didnt realise that not everyone expresses their feelings as openly and warmly as her mother did.

So I told Emily that for five years, shed been married to an image of her mother, expecting her husband to behave in exactly the same caring way. At first, Emily was taken aback, but after a moments thought, she nodded.

So, how do I divorce my mother?
Its simple. Each time you find yourself complaining, imagine that James has nothing to do with it, that its your well-meaning mother beside you, not your husband. And he could never compete with her!
You know, thats exactly it!
Thats all there is to it. And then, youll see, most of your worries will simply fade away.

We often look for something familiar in those closest to us, expecting them to fit the shape of the love weve always known. Its only when we realise we need to let people love us in their own way, not as a copy of the past, that we can truly appreciate what we have and grow together.