Putting Dad in a Care Home: Elizabeth’s Struggle with Guilt, Family Trauma, and a Father’s Lasting Cruelty

– What on earth do you think youre doing? A care home? Absolutely not! Im not leaving my house for anything! Elizabeth Browns father hurled his mug at her, aiming straight for her head. She dodged it, well used to his temper by now.

She knew things couldnt go on like this. Sooner or later, he would come up with a way to hurt her, and shed have no idea what he was plotting next. Even so, as Elizabeth was sorting out the paperwork for his admission to a care home, she couldnt get rid of that nagging guilt eating away at her. Really, given how hed treated her over the years, what she was doing for him was already far too much.

Her father was yelling, kicking up a fuss, and cursing everyone involved as he was helped into the car to be driven away.

Elizabeth stood at her front window, watching the car disappear down the road. It wasnt the first time shed seen someone leave her life like this. Shed been just a little girl then, not even realising what her future would turn out like.

Elizabeth had been an only child. Her mum had never dared to have another baby, not with a husband like thatan absolute bully, intent on tormenting her at every turn.

Her dad, John Brown, was a man well into his forties by the time Elizabeth was born. He hadnt married for love or for the sake of kids; hed done it purely for appearances and career advancement. No one and nothing meant more to him than himself. He only got married so he could keep up the image of the respectable family man at his civil service job. He chose a wife from among his acquaintancesa sweet, naive college girl named Mary, daughter of ordinary factory workers. For Marys family, marrying into Johns important status was hugely prestigious. Her opinion didnt come into itno one asked her how she felt about the marriage. They had a big, flashy wedding, but her own parents werent even invited. They were considered too common.

After the wedding, Mary moved into Johns house.

To turn Mary into the perfect civil servants wife as quickly as possible, she had someone assigned to teach her proper etiquette and how to keep her mouth shut and not notice anything unless given permission.

So, how was your day? John would ask as he flopped into his armchair each evening.

All good. Ive learned table manners and started English lessons. The most important lesson Mary quickly picked up was to never give her husband any reason to be angry.

Is that it? And who managed the house while you did all that?

I did, with the cook. We planned the weeks menu, I did the shopping, and I tidied up myself too.

Well, thatll do for today. Just remember to keep your hands clean and make sure you always look presentable. Dont go looking like someone from the farm. Behave, and maybe Ill hire you a driver or a maid. But not yetyou havent earned that.

No matter how hard Mary tried, peaceful days like that were rare. Mainly, John would come home late, angry and drained. His wife was the only person he could take it all out on, since the house staff could just quit or spread rumours. Mary, though, had no one to complain to and nowhere to go.

The first time John raised his hand to her was a month after their weddingnot for anything in particular, just to remind her who was boss and what would happen if she ever stepped out of line.

After that, the violence became more frequent. He knew exactly how to hit so it wouldnt leave marks, wouldnt change her walk, and so that no one would suspect a thing. Mary learned to hide the bruises with her clothes and to greet her husbands guests with a perfect smile.

A year into the marriage, Johns friends and colleagues started making pointed remarks.

John, youre a healthy blokewhy havent you and your young wife had a baby yet? Which one of you is the problem? Get her checked by a doctor, surely you dont want to waste your time on a dud?

Were not planning just yet. Shes finishing her degree, John said, stiff as ever.

Degree? Whats a woman need a degree for? Home, kids, husbandthat should be enough! Tell her to drop out and see a doctor. My wife knows a few good ones. Besides, whats family for if there are no children? You have to set an example!

So began Marys endless medical appointments and tests. John even had to stop hitting her so the doctors wouldnt notice bruises.

After months of poking and prodding, Mary was declared healthy and ready to have kidsno issues on her side. The problem was likely John, something one of the doctors carefully hinted at, suggesting he get checked himself.

Me? Are you out of your mind? One phone call and youll be treating sick sheep on some run-down farm, John threatened.

Even if you sack me, it wont fix your problem, the doctor said calmly. Hed dealt with big egos before.

So what am I supposed to do? John grumbled.

Start by getting yourself checked, the doctor replied.

After tests and a few awkward weeks, John was given the disappointing verdicthis chances of fatherhood were slim at best. All he could do was hope for a miracle.

Colleagues’ comments and Marys youth made John even more angry at the world. He stopped bothering with his wifeshe didnt even cry anymore, just froze up whenever he tried to hurt her.

Eventually, just out of boredom, John found himself a mistress, and that distracted him for a while.

It took another two and a half years before Mary finally fell pregnant. Elizabeth was bornher fathers spitting image. But John felt absolutely nothing towards the baby. Mary and the nanny raised Elizabeth, while John could go weeks without seeing her or caring at all.

As Elizabeth grew, she started to make him more and more irritated, and his temper became harder to control.

The first time he struck his daughter, she was only five. She was bothering him for something, stamping her foot and whining, just after hed had a stressful day at work. Without warning, he picked her up and threw her so hard she hit the wall across the room. She was too frightened to cry. John just stretched out on the sofa and turned on the telly.

Elizabeth learnt to keep out of his way. But after that, John stopped holding back. Hed insult her, slap her, humiliate her, even in front of guests. At this point in his career, hed become someone powerful enough that he no longer cared about keeping up appearances. Hed happily mock Elizabeth in front of people, loving the way shed go red and hold back tears.

Mr Brown, I hear Elizabeths a talented violinist! Could we hear her play?

A violinist? She can barely even hold the thing the right way up! If you insist, be my guestbut I wouldnt recommend it! Lizzie! Didnt you hear? Go get your fiddle and play for our guests!

Blushing with shame, Elizabeth would fetch her instrument. The fear of performing in public stayed with her for life. Although she was a promising violinist, she never touched her instrument again after finishing music school.

Back then, she thought all families were like hers. Shed look at pictures of happy smiling families in storybooks and wonder why shed been born to someone who hated the world so much.

Her mother never became a loving mum or wifeshe couldnt love a child fathered by a man whod made her life hell. When Elizabeth was thirteen, her mother died in a car crash. That was the official story. At the time, Elizabeth had no idea what really happened, and after that, she drew further into herself.

After secondary school, Elizabeth went to university for a subject her father had chosen. It was one of his final decisions about her life. By then, work issues were piling up for John, so he drifted away from parenting altogether. When Elizabeth graduated, her father had lost all his influence and almost everything else. Most of his savings had gone on staying out of prison for various dodgy things hed done in his position. Luckily, he managed to avoid publicity and disappeared quietly into retirement at his cottage. Elizabeth stopped visiting. There wasnt anything to talk about, and she couldnt bear his nastiness.

left alone, John had no one left to vent his poison on, and his mental health declined. Neighbours kept ringing Elizabeth, reporting his increasingly odd behaviour. She finally summoned the energy to make the difficult decision to take him in.

Given a new chance to torment his daughter, John seemed to perk up. Every single day was some new tantrumshouting, name-calling, smashing up crockery, throwing random things everywhere. Eventually, Elizabeth put a lock on his bedroom door so at least hed make a mess in one place. Even that wasnt enough; as his memory deteriorated, things got worse. Eventually, she was forced to make an even harder choiceto move him into a care home.

Shed never started a family of her own. Shy, damaged, lacking confidence, Elizabeth feared forming relationships. She didnt make friends at work, kept to herself, and avoided socialising. But the idea of putting her father in a care home filled her with overwhelming guilt.

Keeping him at home was dangeroushe was diagnosed with dementia. He no longer recognised his own actions, but the bitterness and hatred for his daughter remained, even after he stopped remembering she was his daughter at all.

Elizabeth visited every care home in town before choosing one that seemed decent enough. It cost more than she could really afford, so most of her earnings and extra side jobs went on the fees. Otherwise, she simply couldnt make ends meet.

After her father moved out, Elizabeth wandered around in a fog for days, haunted by memories of when she and her mum had left the house years agothe one time her mum tried to escape John. He brought them straight back, and soon after, her mum died.

Still, whenever she visited her father, Elizabeth cried with shame and guilt, like those were the only feelings shed ever been taught.

On top of the constant guilt, her own health started to fail.