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Michael Stood Still: From Behind the Tree, a Dog Gave Him That Heartbroken Look—A Dog He Could Recognise Among a Thousand
James frozeby the old oak, a dog was staring at him with such sadness, hed have recognised her from a hundred yards away.
Dust drifted lazily over the lane, barely bothered to move. James left the engine running by the lopsided wooden fence, not in any hurry to get out, just sitting there, his hands resting on the wheel, feeling the gentle rumble beneath his palms.
He hadnt been back here in fifteen years. Now, out of the blue, hed returned. Why? He couldnt quite say himself. Maybe to finish a conversation that had never happened. Maybe, though he wouldnt admit it, to ask forgiveness he had no right to anymore.
Well, you old fool, he muttered under his breath, you made it.
He turned the key and the engine stuttered to silence. A thick, country quiet rolled inheavy with scents of sun-baked grass and ghosts that rose from the memories. In some distant garden, a dog gave a half-hearted bark. Somewhere a gate squeaked. But James stayed put, half afraid to step out and face old shadows.
A memory snuck up on himher waving from that same gate, him glancing back just once. Only once. Hed already seen she’d stopped waving, just watching, head tilted to one side.
Ill come back, hed shouted.
He hadnt.
Finally, he climbed out, straightened his collar, then realised his knees were shaking. Ridiculous, sixty years alive and Im still scared to face myself, he thought.
The gate no longer squeakedsomeone mustve oiled it. Val always used to grumble, A squeaky doors like a nervous twitch. For heavens sake, get some oil, James. He never did.
The garden was almost unchanged. Only the apple tree had grown gnarled and bent lower, as if bowing to time. The house looked weary, like it had aged twice as fast. The curtains werent Vals. Someone elses now.
He took the old walkway towards the churchyard. That was where hed say all the things hed never said fifteen years ago.
And then he stopped, rooted.
From behind the birch, the dog watched him. Chestnut fur, white on her chest, with those same keen, golden eyes he used to love. Not just similarno, it was her.
Mischief? he breathed.
She didnt come running, didnt bark. Just held his gaze, quietly, questioningly, as if asking, Where have you been all this time? We waited.
James felt a lump in his throat.
Mischief stayed where she was, still as a memory. But her eyes just the same. Val always used to laugh, That dogs a mind-reader, you know. Looks right into your soul.
God he whispered. How are you even still alive?
Dogs dont live that long.
But now, slow and careful like an old lady with bad hips, Mischief stood and padded over, sniffed his hand, then turned aside. She wasnt angry. Just quietly saying, I know you. But youre late.
You remember me, James said, not really needing an answer. Of course you do.
Mischief let out a soft whine.
Im sorry, Val, he whispered, crouching by the headstone. Im sorry I was such a coward. Sorry I ran off. Sorry I chose the job and got nothing but a cold flat and pointless wandering in the end. Sorry I was scared to stay.
He talked a long time. Sat on the cold stone, telling her about his lifethe job that meant nothing, the women hed never truly cared for, the phone calls he never quite made, always running out of time or courage or hope that anyone was waiting for him.
On the way back, he wasnt aloneMischief trailed behind, like shed let him back into her circle. Not wagging her tail, but not blaming, either.
The front door banged.
Who are you? A stern womans voice.
On the porch stood a woman, early forties. Dark hair pulled back, serious face, but the eyesVals eyes.
Im James, he stammered. I used to
I know who you are, she cut in. Anna. Vals daughter. Dont you remember?
Anna, Vals daughter from her first marriage, looked right through him, every word heavy with old pain.
She came down, and Mischief went to her, seeking comfort.
Mums been gone six months, Anna said, even, emotionless. Where were you? When she was ill? When she hoped? When she believed?
The words hit him like a punch.
I didnt know.
Didnt know? she scoffed. She kept every letter you sent. Every address. If youd wanted to find her, you could have. You just never tried.
He said nothing. There was nothing to defend. Hed written, at first. Then the letters trailed off, work overlapped everything, and Val faded from his life like some warm dream you dont return to.
She she was ill? he managed.
No. Just her heart. Grew tired of waiting.
She said it with such quietness, it hurt more.
Mischief gave a low whine. James closed his eyes.
Mums last words, Anna added, were, If James ever comes, tell him Im not angry. I understand.
She always understood. Hed never once tried to understand himself.
And Mischief? Why was she at the churchyard?
Anna took a long breath.
She goes there every day. Just sits with my mum. Waits.
They ate supper in silence. Anna told him she was a nurse, married but separatedlife didnt work out. No children. Only Mischief nowher companion, memory, link to her mum.
Would you mind if I stayed a couple of days? James asked.
Anna looked him dead in the eye.
You going to vanish again afterwards?
I dont know, he admitted honestly. I really dont.
He stayed. Not for a day, but a week. Then two. Anna stopped asking when hed leavehe reckoned shed realised he didnt know that himself.
He patched the fence, took up floorboards, fetched water from the well. His body ached, but his mind finally stilled. It was like something had stopped fighting inside him.
After a week, Mischief accepted him. Came over, lay down, put her greying head on his boot. Anna saw, and said quietly, She forgives you.
James looked out the window. At the dog. At the old tree. At the house that still held the warmth of Val.
And you? he asked Anna, almost whispering.
She was silent a long time, as if weighing each word.
Im not my mum, she said at last. Its harder for me. ButIll try.
Mischief, as ever, was up before dawn. Just as the sky lightened, shed slip quietly out, like she had some task only she could do. At first James didnt think muchdogs have their ways. But after a while he realisedshe always set off in the same direction. To the churchyard.
Shes done it every day, Anna explained. Ever since mum passed. Just goes, lies there, like a small silent guard at her post.
Strange, he thought, how dogs remember deeper than people. We push things down, make excuses, distract ourselves. Dogs dont. They just keep on loving, and waiting.
One morning, clouds pressed low and heavy over the rooftops. By midday, it was a steady drizzle, and by evening the sky broke open: wind, rain, thunder rattling the panes. Birch trees bent, straining away from the storm.
Mischiefs still not back, Anna said anxiously, peering out into the black wetness. She always comes home for supper. And its gone nine.
James looked too. Rain was hammering everything, lane and garden and hedgerow lost under pouring water, with only the flash of lightning showing the shape of trees.
Shes probably just found a dry spot somewhere, he said, though he didnt quite believe himself.
Shes old, James, Anna gripped the windowsill. That kind of weatherI worry she cant cope.
Youve a brolly? he asked.
She arched an eyebrow in surprise. You seriously want to go out now?
But James was already shrugging on his coat.
If shes there, she wont move. Shell just wait it out, same as she always has. But at her age, all night in this He didnt finish, but Anna got it. She handed him the torch and her best umbrellabright blue with daisies, cheerful and sturdy.
The path to the church was a river of mud. The torch barely dented the rain. The umbrella blew inside out every few steps. James trudged on, slipping, swearing quietly to himself, but not stopping.
Sixty years old, he grumbled, bones creak like the attic stairs, Ill catch my death. Still, out I gobecause I ought to.
The churchyard gate was banging in the winda bolt torn loose. James stepped in, sweeping the light across the ground, and saw her.
Mischief, lying beside the grave, pressed up against the wooden cross. Soaked through, struggling for breath, but unmoving. She didnt look up until he knelt beside her.
Hey, old girl He dropped to his knees in the mud. Why are you doing this to yourself?
She gazed at him, eyes tired but steady, as if to say, I can’t leave her alone. I remember.
Mums gone, he whispered, voice thick. But youre still here. I am, too. Were not alone now, you and me.
He shed his coat, bundled Mischief up, scooped her into his arms. She didnt resistthere was barely any strength left in her. Nor in him, truth be told, but that didnt matter anymore.
Forgive us, Val, he said softly, out in the cold drizzle. Forgive me for coming so late. Forgive her, for never forgetting you.
The rain lifted by morning. James sat by the wood stove all night, Mischief wrapped up in his coat, stroking her, muttering old nonsense to her like a sick child. Anna brought warm milk. The old dog sipped a little.
Is she ill? Anna asked.
No James shook his head. Just tired is all.
Mischief clung on another fortnight. Quiet, gentle, never letting James leave her side by more than a few feet, as if she was holding onto every second.
James saw her fadingthe slow movements, the often closed eyes. But there was no fear about her. Just peace, and, strangely, a kind of gratitude. As if she knew it was all right to let go now.
She left at sunrise, at peace on the step, chin on her paws. James found her at first light.
They buried her next to Val. Anna agreed straight awaysaid her mum would have smiled at such a reunion.
That evening she handed him a ring of keys.
I reckon Mum would have wanted you to stay here. Not leave the place empty.
James rolled the keys in his hand for ages. The same key that used to sit in his pocket, before hed run off and left everything behind.
And you? he asked gently. Do you want me to stay?
Anna let out a sigh that seemed to carry all the unlived years between them.
I do, she nodded. I want that. The house shouldnt be lonely. And I need a dad.
Dad. A word hed always been scared ofnot because he didnt want to be, but because he never thought he knew how. But maybe, he thought, as long as theres time, theres still time to learn.
All right, he said. Ill stay.
A month later, James had sold his city flat, and come back for good. He started planting vegetables, mending roofs, painting the windowsills. The silence no longer pressed in on him. It felt more like the land itself, breathing.
James went to the churchyard. Hed talk to Val. And to Mischief. Hed tell them about his day, about the garden, about the villagers hed seen.
And sometimes, he almost believed they were listening. And it made him feel a peace he hadnt known in years.
Not for a long, long time.
