“I Want to Live for Myself and Finally Get Some Sleep,” My Husband Declared as He Walked Out Three …

I want to live for myself and have a decent sleep, announced my husband as he walked out the door.

This craziness lasted three months. Three months of sleepless nights, with little Archie screaming so much that the neighbours banged on the walls. Three months of Emily trudging around like a zombie, her eyes red and hands trembling.

And Jamie, my husband, was stomping about the flat, gloomy as a rain-soaked November cloud.

Can you imagine how I look at work? he complained, staring into the mirror. My bags under my eyes are down to my knees.

Emily said nothing. She fed Archie, rocked him, fed him again. The cycle never ended. And somewhere nearby, Jamie instead of offering support just griped about his own problems.

Look, maybe your mum could help out for a bit? he suggested one evening, stretching after a hot shower, fresh and rested. I was thinking, maybe Ill nip off to Sams place for a week in the country?

Emily froze, bottle in hand.

I need a break, Em. Seriously. Jamie started stuffing things into his weekend bag. I havent had a proper nights sleep in ages.

As if she was getting any sleep! Her eyes were glued shut, but each time she lay down Archie would start crying. Fourth time already tonight.

Its tough for me too, Emily whispered.

Yeah, I know its tough, he said, waving her off, cramming his favourite shirt in the bag. But my jobs important, real responsibility. I cant show up to clients looking like this.

Something in Emily shifted. For a moment she saw them both from the outside: her, in a threadbare dressing gown, wild-haired, baby wailing in her arms. Him, packing his bag, running away.

I want to live for myself and sleep, Jamie muttered, not even glancing her way.

And with that, the door slammed shut.

Emily was left standing in the middle of the flat, holding her crying son, feeling everything crumble inside her.

A week passed. Then another.

Jamie called three times asked how things were. His voice distant, like he was speaking to someone he barely knew.

Ill come by at the weekend.

He didnt.

Ill definitely be there tomorrow.

Again, he never turned up.

Emily kept rocking the bawling Archie, changing nappies, mixing formula. Sleep came in snatches maybe half an hour between feeds.

You managing alright? her mate Lisa asked.

Brilliant, Emily lied.

Why did she lie? Out of shame, maybe. Ashamed that her husband had walked out. That she was alone with a baby.

Youd think things couldnt get worse. But the real surprise came at the supermarket, when she bumped into Jamies colleague.

Not seen Jamie for ages wheres he hiding? asked Kate.

Busy with work.

Ah, thats typical. Men always bury themselves in the office when theres children at home. Kate leaned closer. Has Jamie been away on many work trips lately?

What trips?

Well, he was just in Edinburgh for that seminar, wasnt he? Showed me loads of pictures.

Edinburgh? Since when?

Emily racked her brain; the previous week, Jamie hadnt called for three days. Claimed he was busy.

He wasnt busy. He was relaxing in Edinburgh.

Jamie turned up on Saturday. With flowers.

Sorry Ive been so long. Works hectic.

Went to Edinburgh, did you?

He froze, bouquet in hand.

Who told you?

Doesnt matter. What matters is, why are you lying to me?

Im not lying. I just didnt want you to be upset I went without you.

Without her? She couldnt go anywhere even if she wanted to, stuck with an infant.

Jamie, I need help. Do you understand? I havent slept properly in weeks.

Well get a nanny.

With what money? You havent given me anything.

What do you mean? I pay the rent and the bills.

And what about food? The nappies? Medicines?

He went silent. Then, half-heartedly:

Maybe you could go back to work? Even part-time? No point sitting at home, is there? Well hire help.

Sitting at home as if it was a holiday.

At that, Emily picked up Archie, looked at Jamie, and finally understood: this man doesnt love her.

Never did.

Leave.

What do you mean?

Go. And dont come back until youve decided which matters more: your family or your freedom.

Jamie grabbed his keys and left, two days passed before I got a message: Im thinking.

Meanwhile, Emily sat awake, thinking, for the first time in months she was alone with her own thoughts.

Her mother rang:

Emily, how are you? Jamie not home?

Hes away for work.

Another lie.

Shall I come help out?

Ill manage.

But that wasnt the end. Her mother turned up anyway.

How are things here? She looked around. Oh, Emily, look at the state of you!

Emily caught her reflection. Yes, she looked a mess.

Wheres Jamie?

At work.

At eight in the evening?

Emily kept quiet.

Whats going on?

And then Emily broke down, real tears, sobbing like a child.

He left. Said he wants to live his own life.

Her mother was silent. Finally:

The nerve. Absolute rotter.

Emily was taken aback. Her mum never swore.

I always thought Jamie was weak. Not this much, though.

Mum, maybe Im wrong? Maybe I shouldve understood?

Em, isnt it hard on you?

Her mothers simple question struck her: all this time shed only worried about Jamie. His weariness, his comfort.

Never a word about herself.

What should I do?

Live. Without him. Better on your own than with someone like that.

Jamie came back that Saturday. Tan face apparently had been thinking at the countryside.

Can we talk?

Sure.

They sat at the kitchen table.

Emily, I get its tough for you. But Im struggling too. Lets work something out. Ill send money and visit, but I want to live separately for now.

How much?

What?

Money. How much?

Well, about £300.

Three hundred pounds. For a child, the food, medicines.

Jamie, get lost.

What?!

You heard me. Dont come back.

Emily, this is a serious offer!

Serious? Want your freedom, and wheres mine?

What Jamie said next ended things for certain:

Freedom? Youre a mum, you dont get freedom!

Emily stared at him: this was the real Jamie. Selfish and immature, he thought motherhood was some kind of sentence.

Im applying for child support tomorrow. Youll pay a quarter of your salary, legally.

You wouldnt dare!

Watch me.

He left, slamming the door. And for the first time, Emily felt she could breathe easier.

Archie began crying, but now she knew: shed cope.

A year went by.

Jamie tried to come back twice.

Emily, shall we give it another go?

Too late.

Jamie called Emily all the names under the sun. None of them stuck.

Emily hired a nanny, went back to nursing.

At work she met a doctor named Andrew.

Any children?

A son.

Wheres the dad?

Off living for himself.

She introduced them. Andrew brought a little toy car for Archie. They played, laughed together.

Soon, they all took walks in the park.

Jamie heard about it, phoned:

Archies only one and youre seeing other men!

What did you expect? For me to wait around for you?

But youre a mother!

Yes. And?

He never called again.

Andrew was different. When Archie fell ill, Andrew was there at once. When Emily was exhausted, hed take them to his cottage.

Now Archies two. He calls Andrew uncle and doesn’t remember Jamie.

Jamies remarried, pays his child support.

Emily isnt angry anymore.

She’s living for herself now. And that feels wonderful.

Lesson learned: Sometimes looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do for your child.