“No One Ever Chased Them Away!” — An English Couple’s Comic Struggle With Overstaying Relatives, End…

No one ever showed them the door, Id always tell Mum or Aunt Margaret, they just didnt fancy sticking around! If they want to visit, let them! Well be glad.

Sit down! Were not home! Tom said calmly as the doorbell went.

Theyre ringing! Lucy froze, halfway off the sofa.

Let them, Tom replied, not missing a beat.

What if its someone important? Or something urgent? Lucy worried aloud.

Its Saturday, its noon, Tom said, deadpan. Did you invite anyone? I havent. So what does that tell you?

Ill just have a peek through the spyhole! Lucy whispered.

Sit down! His voice had a bit of steel in it. Were not in! Whoever that is, let them toddle off!

How do you know who it is? Lucy asked.

I have a hunch, Tom said, which is why Im telling you to sit down and not hover about near the windows.

If its who I think, they wont go quietly, Lucy said, shrugging.

That all depends on how long we dont answer the door, Tom replied serenely. Sooner or later, theyll give up.

They arent sleeping on the pavement outside. And its not like we need to go anywhere. So grab your headphones, your phone, and watch a film.

Tom, its Mum calling, Lucy said, holding up her screen.

So, your Aunt Margarets on the doorstep with that awkward lad of hers, Tom concluded.

How do you know? Lucys eyes widened.

If it was my cousin, Tom replied, letting the word cousin drip with sarcasm, Mum would be ringing me!

Youre not considering other options? Lucy pressed.

If its a neighbour, Im not in the mood for chit-chat. If its one of our mates, theyd have knocked a couple of times and left. And if they were proper friends, theyd call first to check were free, not hammer the bell for half an hour! Only our pesky relatives carry on like that.

Its Auntie Margaret, Tom, Lucy said, voice full of woe. Mum texted. She wants to know where weve got to. Aunties staying for a few days, shes got business in town!

Text her, tell her theres plenty of hotels in London, Tom grinned.

Tom! Lucy protested. I cant say that!

I know, Tom mused. Text and say were not home, that were staying in a hotel because the flats being fumigated for cockroaches!

Brilliant! Lucy shot off the message.

Tom, she wants us to book two rooms, for her and Jamie, Lucy said, shell-shocked.

Tell her were skint. And add that we booked two hostel beds, and weve got fifteen foreign backpackers in the room with us, Tom said, proud of his quick thinking.

Mums asked when were coming home, Lucy sighed.

Say in a week, Tom waved it off.

Finally the ringing stopped. We let out a massive breath.

Tom, Mum says Aunties coming in a week, Lucy groaned.

And we wont be home again, Tom replied.

Tom, you realise this isnt solving anything? We cant run and hide forever! What if they show up on a weekday, after work, lie in wait? Both our families are capable of anything!

Yeah, Tom agreed gloomily. What devil made us buy a three-bedroom place?

We got it for our big, happy future family, Lucy reminded him.

We need a baby! Tom said earnestly. Or better, two at once!

Its not like I’m against it, Lucy said, frustrated. We need to get checked out! It just hasnt happened yet!

If we could only get rid of all this stress, itd work out, Tom said seriously. We keep getting our nerves shredded, one side after the other! Wish we could send them all packing! Its all their fault, nothing happens because of them!

Lucy didnt argue. She knew Tom was right.

When theyd decided to get married, theyd done the rounds of all the expensive tests for compatibility, genetics, and fertility; all top marks. But straight after the wedding theyd shelved the baby plans to scrape together the deposit for a place.

Neither could count on a windfall or family handouts. Before marriage, theyd each lived with their mothers in cramped one-bed flats. If they wanted something better, it was down to pure graft.

Five years of grinding, saving every penny finally landed them a big flat.

It wasnt newolder building, second-hand marketbut theyd done up the place, bought furniture from scratch. The joy was unreal.

They hadnt even finished the housewarming party when Lucys Aunt Margaret rocked up, Jamie in tow.
And just to put pressure on the young couple, Lucys mum tagged along.

Well, youre not shy with space here, are you? Aunt Margaret remarked. Its not like Lucy and I squeezing into one room!

Convenient, she nodded approvingly. Ill take this bedroom, Jamie can have the other!

No one sleeps in the lounge, Tom said. Thats the chill-out room!

I dont fancy working out here! Aunt Margaret laughed. Lucy, explain to your husband, its a pain sharing with Jamie, he snores! Come on, were guestswheres the food?

Well, we werent expecting anyone, Lucy mumbled.

And the fridge is empty, Tom backed her up.

Oh, go on then, Aunt Margaret smiled, Tom, pop down the shops; Lucy, off you trot to the kitchen!

Get moving! Lucys mum chimed in. Is this how you treat guests?

Bit cheeky, arent you Tom began, but Lucy dragged him off to the bedroom.

As soon as Lucy let his hand go, Tom said, Lucy, has no one here lost their minds? Im about to turf them outyours, your mum, the lot! If you come for a visit, act like a guest! Thisthis is mad!

Shes just simple! Lucy pleaded. From the countryside! Thats how its done!

I know country folk, and no ones taught manners like that! Thats just pure cheek!

Tom, please, lets not quarrel with Mum and Auntie, Lucy begged. Theyll plague me to death! Youll end up their enemy! Do you want that?

Doesnt bother me! If they treat me like this, I wont see them, don’t wanna hear of them! Disappear for all I care, wont lose any sleep!

Tom, darling! Please, think of me! If I kick out Auntie Margaret, Mum will hex me! Shes all Ive got!

That did the trick. Tom gritted his teeth and headed to Sainsburys.

Aunt Margaret stayed not three days, but two weeks. By day two, Tom was dosing up on Rescue Remedy.

Finally, when she and Jamie left, Tom and Lucy celebratedcleaning every inch of that flat for three days straight.

But the saga didnt end there.

Mate, just popping in for a bit, said Paul, Toms cousin, squeezing the life out of him with a bear hug. Got stuff to sort in town, then back we go!

Couldnt sort it alone? Tom asked.

Come on! Ive got the family. Cant leave em in the village while Im here alone! Think, mate! What if I get into mischief? My wifes gotta keep me in line!

That why you brought the kids? Tom said.

Who else would I leave them with? Paul clapped Toms back. Theyll be happy here! Lets paint the town, like we did as teens!

Paul! his wife Natalie shrieked. If you cause any more havoc, there wont be anything left to shake!

Within ninety minutes of cousin Paul and family arriving, Lucy collapsed with a migraine.

The kids tore through the flat, shouting. Natalie could only screechhonestly, it was her only setting. Paul was desperate to escape for a night out, which made Natalie shriek louder.

Tom, aren’t you your mums only son? Lucy muttered into her pillow.

Hes mums cousin, technically, Tom replied grumpily. I just call him cousin.

I dont care what you call him. Can you please get him to leave?

I would, hand on heart, Tom said, but its the same as with your Aunt. My mumll chew off my ear with a teaspoon, then make me eat it!

No sooner had they recovered from one visit than new guests showed up. Aunt Margaret and Jamie always invented business in London.
Paul and his family sorted things out regularly. Mums came by, both in-laws could drive each other mad.

Constant stress was wearing the pair thinit was a real strain.

Having children in the middle of this revolving door of guests was just not an option. Health suffered, nerves frayed, and who had the energy anyway?

Maybe we ought to swap flats? Lucy suggested.

For padded rooms? Tom quipped. Well be eligible soon enough!

No, seriously Lucy smiled half-heartedly. Find someone who wants this area, swap with them, and never tell anyone where weve gone!

Itll only buy us a bit of time, Tom sighed. Cousin and Auntll get new neighbours wholl spill the beans. Well be found and crucified for it!

Maybe well have just enough time to make a baby? Lucy hoped.

We need more than thatto bring it up proper, Tom said, shaking his head. Even then, itll only be an excuse.

Lets just move out, Lucy said miserably. Ask our friends if we can crash at theirs? Hide out?

You mean Bill and Katie? Tom asked.

Yeah, theyve got a spare room, Lucy nodded.

But theyve got Bella, Tom smiled. You forget?

Id rather live with a German shepherd than any of our family! Lucy flopped her head on the table.

Wait! Tom snatched up his phone. Bill, can we borrow the dog?

Mate! Bill shouted, delighted, Youre a lifesaver! We wanted a seaside holiday and no one else can take hershe only likes people she knows, and she respects you two! Ill bring her food, blanket, toys, bowls! Ill even pay you!

Bring her over! Tom said, beaming.

He turned to Lucy, grinning like sunshine.

Ring Mum, tell her Aunt Margaret can pop over tomorrow! Ill ring Paul for a midweek visit!

Are you sure? Lucy asked.

Were happy to have them all! Tom replied warmly. Its not our fault if they get on the wrong side of our new flatmate!

Paul and gang lasted one bark before retreating to a comfy hotel.

Aunt Margaret tried to stick it out.

Lock that beast up! she snapped, hiding behind Jamies scrawny frame.

Auntie Margaret, are you joking? Tom smiled. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle! Shes not a lapdogshes a German shepherd! Shell go through any door!

Why does she snarl at me? Margarets voice trembled.

She doesnt like strangers, Lucy shrugged.

Get rid of her! I cant stay in the same flat as that monster!

Get rid of her? Are you joking? Tom replied, indignant. This sweet girl is ours now! We havent got little ones, so someones gotta get our love! And we love her to bits.

Wed never give her up! Lucy declared.

Both mums rang soon after, asking why their relatives werent put up.

No one turned them away, wed say. They just didnt want to stay! Theyre welcome back anytime!

But the dog?

Mum, we never refuse anyone!

And suddenly, none of the mums were so keen on stopping by.

A month later, Bella went back to Bill and Katie, but was always ready at a moments notice.

Didnt need her again, thoughLucy was expecting twins.