One Day, My Distant Aunt Phoned to Invite Me to Her Daughter’s Wedding—My Equally Distant Cousin Who…

One peculiar afternoon, an elderly cousin phoned me, summoning me to her daughters weddinga distant cousin of mine whom Id last seen when she was six. In her six-year-old state, that is.

Family bonds arent something Ive ever been overwhelmed by, but my feeble attempt to wriggle away was brought to a halt.
Just once every 20 yearsit wont kill you to see us. Dont you dare not show up, my cousin declared, voice thunderous, impossible to ignore.
Soon enough, an ornate invitation with white doves and pastel roses from Emily and Jonathan arrived in the post, followed by further reminders as the day drew near. I resigned myself to my fate.

I reckoned that Saturday might as well be lost, but what use is fussing?
So there I was, clutching a bouquet, burdened by a sour mood and plotting to slip away quietly within the hour, arriving at a restaurant in the city. Entering the banqueting suite, I was seated with a table of lively youthsthe grooms friendswho, after a couple of pints, began loudly admiring what a splendid aunt the bride had, hardly seeming an aunt at all, and insisted we all became fast friends for the night, which we certainly did.

Naturally, I didnt recognise the brideso many years had passedand shed transformed from a mousy, olive-skinned girl into a splendidly buxom blonde, altogether too self-aware for my taste. I rather preferred her as the little brown mouse.

All in all, the mood was dreary. Stern-faced aunts and uncles brooded, the groom wore the look of a startled rabbit, and the bride basked in her own magnificence. Were it not for our rowdy, ever-merrier table, the affair would feel more like a funeral than a wedding. The matriarchs shot us withering glances.

Id missed the opening toasts, but as the second round kicked off, it was evidently my turn. The master of ceremonies, learning who I was, exclaimed with delight:
And now, a toast from the young and lovely aunt of the bride!

I toasted, heartfelt:
Dearest Emily and Jonathan!
The room had never been boisterous, but suddenly all sound evaporated, and in the brittle hush, it at last dawned on me that my elderly cousin was nowhere to be seen. Not likely shed changed so much I wouldnt know her.

Aunt opposite, in rose pink, hissed,
The brides Alice, the grooms William.
Alice? William?
Shes just here to freeload at someone elses do, snapped another aunt. We had her sort at our boys sendoff to the Armybarely got rid of them. Shameless, the lot.

At this, I realised things were about to get interesting. The guests drew closer in a predatory huddle, eyes flashing, half rising from their seats, sleeves poised for rolling up.
But look! Heres my invitation! I criedyes, *cried out*brandishing it frantically. It says it right here: Emily and Jonathan, this restaurant, this banqueting room.

A rescue arrived in the shape of a kindly waiter.
Miss, he said softly, weve another banqueting room upstairscould it be you want that one?

Oh, shell want it, all right. After a free meal here, shell pop up for seconds there, tutted rose-pink. How does the earth bear such nerve? Scoundrel!

And boldness, Dorothy, is its own reward, added a lime-clad aunt, sour as a crabapple.

Let me just clarifyI dont resemble an underworld boss nor a low-rent chancer. Though, heaven only knows what I looked like from across the room. The grooms mates leapt to my defence, only to be told by the aunt in lavender,
Ah, see, already wrapped those boys round her fingers!

And then, rose-pink concluded,
Ours lost her husband to just such a typeblink, and shell have the carpet from under your feet. Harlot.

Id never whisked anyones husband away, but for a moment, I felt spectacularly treacherous and even began eyeing up the husbands in the roomwho knows, if Im accused of all sins, why not find one worth sinning with?

Bless that gentle-hearted waiter, who darted off, returning triumphantly with my cousinwho, now aware of the situation, declared dramatically that shed known me for years, winking in a way that could only mean: Weve always had our doubts about her sanity, you know.

So I was whirled away to another room where, indeed, the honey-toned beauty Emily and, I suppose, some Jonathan were waiting, and they didnt stop plying me with G&Ts for hours.

At least I hadnt offered up the present yet.
And, by some dreamlike twist, the grooms friends from the earlier wedding saw me to the door as old acquaintances do.