Mother-in-Law Iraida Margaret was a woman of monumental presence. Not a walk, but a march. Not a g…

Mother-in-law

Eleanor Jenkins was a woman of formidable stature. She didnt walk; she strode. Her gaze wasnt merely a look; it was a piercing glare. Her words? Not idle chitchat, but pronouncements. If put on a pedestal, she’d have been a monument rather than a mere woman.

Eleanor ran a provisions warehouse. She had two stints in prison for public disorder and one for involuntary manslaughter, plus three daughters born between her days in the dock. Naturally, there were three sons-in-law to match.

After each wedding, Eleanor solemnly read out their rights and responsibilities, followed by a list of punishments for infractions. She didnt bother herself with trivial quarrels, keeping her nerves intact. Her daughters were forbidden from pestering her over trifleslearn to solve your own problems, she insisted. The only acceptable reason to call was if someone or something important had gone missing, or in the unlikely event they needed help burying a body.

Her sons-in-law appreciated her policy of non-interference; they kept out of trouble, knowing tangling with Eleanor would cost them dearlyafter all, manslaughter in a fit of passion was practically written across her brow.

But her youngest son-in-law, Henry, wasnt particularly close to Eleanor and thus felt no fear. Living with his family in a neighbouring town, he saw himself as independent and free. At least, until the day he agreed to join his boss for some Saturday funa trip to the local bathhouse with three other colleagues.

Henry told his wife he’d be late at work, some things to finish up. The more experienced fellows made elaborate alibis: one grabbed his fishing tackle and tent, claiming a lads fishing trip, and sent his wife a bucket of live fish as proof. Two others took their laptops for some late-night tank battles. The boss made no secret of the sauna rendezvous.

Around midnight, drinking and steaming lost its novelty, so they decided to spice up the evening with a bit of female company and pooled their money for a couple of ladies of the night. Unfortunately, their funds barely covered two, and they turned out to be so frightful that the boss preferred to swap them for one prettier girl, but the group figured another bottle of vodka would do instead.

Just after midnight, Eleanors youngest daughter, fraught with worry, finally called her mother.

Quick and to the point, love. Ive got a lorry unloading at the warehouse, Eleanor barked.

Mum, Henry hasnt come home from work, his phones dead, his coworkers arent answering, and the boss neither. Somethings happened, Mum!

For heavens sake! Dont fuss, darling, Ill sort it out.

Eleanor gave instructions to her warehouse staff, started the car, and headed for the neighbouring town, making a few well-placed phone calls along the way.

Within thirty minutes, she knew exactly which bathhouse her son-in-law was amusing himself in and with whom. An hour later, she reached the town, and fifteen minutes on, accompanied by a terrified bath attendant, she burst into the midst of the bored company. The room sprang to life, and Henry ended up with a solid alibi, namely a thorough bruising and a broken tooth.

The boss attempted to take charge:

Who do you think you are, barging in like this? Im calling the police!

Alas, he didnt know Eleanor Jenkins. She stopped kicking her son-in-law, seized a knife from the table in one hand, and grabbed the boss by the throat with the other.

Just try it, you wretch! Ill cut your tongue out! Im this mongrels mother-in-law!

Pipe down, you lot! she barked at the ladies who had shrieked at the sight of the knife, then spun the blade and walked over to Henry.

Well then, you useless fool, something bothering you in your trousers?

Mum! Henry pleaded, backing into the corner, You wont do it!

And whats to stop me?

I didnt cheat on your daughter! Ask anyone!

Eleanor looked at the women.

Nobody cheated, the boss rasped, rubbing his throat.

I can see that myself; dreadful girls, why did you even bring them?

She poured a glass of vodka and handed it to Henry. Drink. For the pain.

Henry, teeth rattling against the glass, downed it.

What on earth have you lot been up to? Out with it!

Just wanted a bit of fun, said the boss. Didnt quite work. Dull company, and the ladies well, very disappointing.

Settling herself at the table, Eleanor sliced off a hefty piece of sausage.

Clearly, you have not a drop of imagination, boys, she said, chomping on her food. Whats with the fishing rodssome new pleasure gear?

Thats my alibi, piped up the fisherman.

This too? She nudged the bucket of live fish with her foot.

Yes.

Well thought out, at least. What would you all do without me? Still, today youre in luck.

She tipped the bucket into the baths pool, and the fish darted in all directions.

Here, Eleanor handed a rod to the fisherman and another to the tank enthusiast. Go on, catch some fish. And you two, she called to the women, get in the water and earn your pay!

The ladies scrambled into the pool.

Here are the rules: the chaps fish with rods, the girls with their hands. Whoever catches a fish gets to leave in one piece.

You, she pointed at the other tank enthusiast, record the results. The boss and I will wager. Ill bet the one in the yellow swimsuit catches a fish first.

Nonsense! the boss joined in, I wager Mike gets the first. Hes our best fisherman.

Oi, Yellow! Eleanor shouted, Youll get a bonus for a days wage if you catch a fish first.

What about me? groused the second woman.

Youll get a bonus if you catch more than Yellow.

Half an hour later, the bath attendant peeked through the door. There was shouting, laughing, cheeringthe women catching fish barehanded, Mike fishing with breadcrumbs, the tank enthusiast chasing the women, Henry and another chap using a big towel to try and net something. The boss stood at poolside, energetically directing the operation.

Eleanor texted her daughter: some unknown men had attacked Henry as he returned home, hed been beaten but was alive and currently at the police station giving his statement. Once things wrapped up, shed bring Henry home. The message endedLove, Mum. And yes, a mothers peace of mind was more precious than a broken tooth and a sleepless night at the bathhouse.

Still, Eleanor transferred a tidy sum in pounds to her son-in-law for dental repairs; he wasnt at fault, but next time hed think twice before going out on the town.