Love Yourself, and Everything Will Fall into Place

Love Yourself and All Will Be Well

Outside the window, a blustery wind blew, leaving everything cold and gloomyjust like my wife, Mary, felt inside. She sat all alone in our sprawling house, with every comfort one could want, except for company. She had me, of courseStephenbut yet again Id gone out in the evening for business, and she knew exactly what my so-called business was.

Our children had long flown the nest. Our son, David, was married and lived across town with his family, and our daughter, Emily, had settled up north near Newcastle. Shed finished university there, married a local lad, and they were now raising a lovely daughter together.

Mary had spoken to Emily on the phone earlier in the day.

Mum, why are you so down? Emily pressed her. Is something wrong?

No, sweet, nothing at all. Hows life treating you, hows my darling granddaughter?

Were all grand, Mum. You know what its likeToms always busy at the hospital, surgeons never seem to have time off, but he loves the job. Says its his calling. Ellies off to nursery soon and were all happy here.

Im so pleased for you, lovemay it always be good for you. Marys voice was weary.

Still, Im not convinced, Mum. You sound so low. Wheres Dad?

Dad? Oh, hes somewhere out in the garage, went to warm up the car. The weathers frightfulfrost and snow, she lied, not wanting to trouble her daughter further.

Mary had been in turmoil for over half a year now, bottled up in worry and confusion, with no one to confide inand even if she did, what would it solve? Some would pity her, but others might just gloat or mutter behind her back. Once, back in summer, Mary had heard something she wished she hadnt. Shed been pottering about in the garden beneath the open window, lost in her thoughts, when she heard my voicegentle and affectionatecoming from inside. I hadnt realised she was nearby, certain the house was empty.

All right, love but I cant manage today. Of course I miss you too Yes, I love you Dont be cross, Ill come by tomorrow. You know me, if I say Ill do something, I always will

Either the call ended or Id left the room, but nothing more followed. It shook Mary to her core, sickened her with a heavy blowher Stephen, whom shed always trusted, now just the same as any other man. She remembered what her own sister had once said, crying that her husband had found someone else. Mary had thought it outrageous and unacceptable then. Now, she understood all too well.

She was left stunned, unsure whether to cry or throw me out. She slumped onto the bench at the side of the house and broke down.

How could this happen to me? Stephen, who I trusted so blindly, has gone astray Perhaps that wildness that lives in men finally caught up with him.

I was forty-seven, with a good life. Mary, a loving wife, had raised our children into good people. We lived in a sizable village; my businessa small mill turning wheat into flour and animal feedkept us comfortable, with deliveries running all over the county.

Mary kept her discovery to herself. Over the months, she quietly pieced together who the other woman was, even sneaking into my phone while I slept. It turned out to be Tanya, a distant connection through mutual friends. We had visited her a few times, it turned out. She lived in an old estate known as The Square, a rougher side of the village with rows of flats. Through a friend called Vera, Mary subtly found out Tanyas address.

Our cousin Tanyas not exactly a paragon of virtue, Vera confided. Pretty and clever, never married, something of a free spirit. Id say men have spoiled her. Shes thirty-five already, still single and childless. Once confessed she hates the instability, worries shed never want to raise a child on her own. Poor thingits a sad lot, really. Vera had no idea about the affair.

Mary said nothing but held it inside until she could cry her heart out back at home.

Lord, how hard it is to bear all this alone.

Time crept by. Two months back, Mary snapped and decided to visit Tanya herself. When Tanya answered the door and recognised her, she turned pale. Mary didnt wait for an invitation, simply walked in and sat heavily on the sofa.

Hello, Mary said tiredly, glancing around.

Tanya stood, awkward and frightened, perhaps bracing for a slap, as some women might have done. Mary, struggling to contain her anger, spat out:

Arent you ashamed to sleep with another womans husband? You know its wrong. There are plenty of men in the world. Youll never find happiness from anothers miseryeveryone knows that.

Tanya pulled herself together, and to Marys surprise, burst into tears.

I dont know whats come over me, but I love Stephen I cant live without him.

Mary lost control and slapped her. Tanya flinched, sobbing.

Im sorry, Mary, truly, I am. I dont know what possessed me

Mary, too, broke down. They both wept until finally Mary spoke:

Dont tell Stephen I was here But if I find out you havent stopped seeing himyoull regret it. With that, she left Tanyas flat.

Neither of them spoke a word to me about that encounter. Life carried on. Mary didnt know if I still saw Tanyatruthfully, I sometimes disappeared on business and she suspected the worst. As she sat alone, her mind gnawed at her.

I dont know what to do. Stephen is everything to me. Weve become one person after all these years. If we divorced, wed have to divide everything. I dont want that. I just want it to go on as it is, she sighed, gazing into the gathering dusk, unable to shake the thoughts.

Even if I end up with this great house and nothing else, what am I to do with it on my own? It needs someone to care for itStephens always repairing something, fixing the roof, replacing a tap, patching up bits here and there. I dread being left with nothing, Im used to this lifeAnd the childrenhow could I tell them their fathers with someone younger? Itd destroy them.

Mary carried her troubles inwardly, fully aware that friends would only admonish herRespect yourself, pull yourself together, divorce him, love yourself. Maybe they were right, she thought.

But still, I love him. And I hope he loves me still. Maybe this fancy for a younger woman is just a passing thing. His behaviour towards me hasnt changedstill gentle, never quarrelling, just like in our younger days. Maybe people are right: Love yourself and everything will fall into place. I should look after myself too

Dealing with this burden was hard for Mary. She had learned of Tanya months before, but still acted as though nothing had happened; she couldnt get Tanya out of her mindso young and pretty. Mary caught herself thinking, strangely, that shed even started to accept the fact that her husband didnt belong to her alone.

Where is he now? Off on business, he says. But I suspect otherwise

A new idea crept into Marys mind, unsettling her.

Maybe I should find another man, too? I look all rightmen pay me compliments But then she cut herself off. Oh, I couldnt. I cant even imagine being with anyone but Stephen. He’s still the best. But how do I win him back? Id forgive him this infatuation, hard as it is. Men are different, I supposethey see love differently. Or maybe Im wrong; you can never truly know.

She remembered their early years together and gave a sad smile.

Back then we were both poor but happy, renting a room in a grotty old house, scraping together enough coins simply to get through to the next payday. But instead of eating well, wed splash out on cinema tickets and happily escape into films together. Feels both an age away and like only yesterdayhow quickly its all flown. And now we want for nothing, yet Im so alone. Ive no one to talk to about itnot that I want to bare my soul, anyway.

Then one evening, I decided to surprise my wife.

Mary sat deep in thought when she noticed headlights sweep across the garden. Id just driven up, parked in the garage, and entered the house.

Mary? Where are you? Why are you sat in the dark? I flicked on the kitchen lights, not realising the house had been gloomy for hours.

Just here, she replied quietly, lost in thoughtand the weather outsides miserable.

You dont saythe roads are awful, nearly got stuck myself. Everythings covered in snow. Im starving, would you mind fixing some supper? I said, as if nothing were amiss.

Mary bustled about fixing food, and I went to wash my hands. At dinner, I looked over at her and smiled.

Listen, love, the New Years nearly here, and Ive decided to give you a surprise.

She tensed; lately, surprises werent her favourite thing.

What sort of surprise? she managed, hardly daring to breathe.

I held the moment, making sure she waited for my answer and saw how nervous she looked.

Oh, Mary, its been too long since we went anywhere together. I left the table and returned from the hallway holding something. Look, Ive bought us two tickets for a trip to Cornwall. Well spend New Years by the seapalms and all! I grinned, just as I used to.

The relief on Marys face was immediate, as though a great weight had dropped from her shoulders. Still slightly unsure, she said,

Oh, Stephen, youve not changedyou always did know how to keep me guessing. I wouldnt mind at all, honestly. Imagine that, palm trees in winter! I can hardly picture it, she laughed, suddenly happy.

Actually, it was Davids ideabut Id been meaning to do it myself. I just thought it was time to take you awayto change the scenery a bit. Sostart packing!

Life came back together for us. We went off to Cornwall, saw in the New Year by the sea, came home refreshed and happy. Everything changed for the better. I made sure to give Mary more of my time; if I was ever running late, Id always call, so she wouldnt worry.

The future was brighterbecause she was ready, at last, to care for herself, too.