Love Yourself and Everything Will Fall Into Place

Love Yourself, and Everything Will Be All Right

Outside my window, the wind howls and the darkness weighs heavymuch like my heart. I sit alone in this spacious house, with every comfort I could wish for, yet it’s only me here. Theres my husband, Stephen, of course, but once again hes slipped away in the evening, supposedly taking care of business. I know well now what those business matters entail.

Our son and daughter left ages ago. My son is married, living with his family up in Yorkshire, while my daughter settled down in a little village near Brighton. She finished university there, married a local lad, and together they’re raising a lovely little girl.

I spoke with my daughter on the phone today.

Mum, why do you sound so down? Abigail pressed. Has something happened?

Oh no, darling, alls well, I assured her, putting on my bravest voice. Tell me about life there, hows my darling granddaughter?

Were doing great, Mum! Oliver works non-stop, of course. Thats life for a surgeonI think hes hardly ever home. But he loves his job; he calls it his calling. Emilias almost ready to start nursery. Were happy here, really.

Im glad for you, my dear. May happiness never leave your home, I replied, my voice betraying my weariness.

Still, Abigail picked up on my mood. I wish I could believe you, Mum. And wheres Dad?

Dad? Hes pottering about in the garage, needed to start the car upits icy and blustery outside, after all. I didnt want to unsettle her, so I held back the truth.

Its been over half a year now that Ive lived with this turmoil. Theres no one to confide innot really. Some might pity me, others would gloat or judge. I remember that summer afternoon in the garden, weeding beneath the window. The window was open, and as I drifted off into my thoughts, I suddenly heard Stephens voice, sweet and tender. He clearly thought I was out, standing by the open window, not knowing I was nearby.

All right, my dearest no, not tonightI miss you too Yes, I love you Dont be cross, Ill come tomorrow. You know mewhen I promise, I always do it

He mustve left the room after thatthere was silence. I felt utterly crushed, as if someone had struck me hard. My Stephen, in whom I had such faith, turned out like so many other men. My mind flashed back to my sisters laments about her husbands infidelitysomething I’d always found shocking and unimaginable. Now the tables had turned; I understood her heartache for the first time.

I didnt know what to do; I sat hidden behind the shed and wept.

Oh God, how could this have happened to me? He was always my steadfast Stephen, now gone astray just like the others

Stephens forty-seven. By anyones measure, his life is a success. A loving wife (me) and well-brought up, independent children. We live in a large village on the edge of Kent, where Stephen runs the family businessa mill that produces flour and animal feed for the surrounding counties.

For months I hid the pain. After some time, I learned the other womans nameTanyaby quietly piecing things together, even peeking in Stephens phone while he slept.

It turned out shes a distant relation of some neighbours of ours. Id even visited her a time or two, never suspecting. She lived in one of those red-brick flats over near the old cricket ground. My acquaintance, Vera, let slip her address over a cuppa.

Our Tanya doesnt have the best reputation, Vera confided, Pretty enough, but never married, thirty-five, flits from man to man. Shes quite open about fearing a life without stability or childrenshe says it often enough. Men spoil her, thats her trouble.

I kept my misery to myself, not letting on to Vera. When I got home, I broke down in private. Carrying this pain has been unbearable.

Then, two months back, I did what Id dreaded: I called on Tanya. She opened the door pale-faced, recognising me instantly. I walked straight in, took a seat on her faded settee.

Hello, I said flatly, eyes scanning the room.

She stared, frozen and frightened, perhaps thinking Id lash out. After a pause, I said with as much restraint as I could muster:

Have you no shame, taking up with a married man? Isnt it bad enough already? Surely there are plenty of men out there without wives. Youll find no happiness built on another womans misery.

To my surprise, Tanya dissolved into tears.

I dont know whats come over meI love Stephen. I cant live without him

Something snapped in me too then; I slapped her, before I could stop myself.

Im sorry, Maria, truly, she sobbed. Its like I lost my mind

I broke down as well; for a while we simply wept together. Once wed calmed, I told her: Dont tell Stephen I was here. But if you keep entertaining him, dont think Ill stay quiet. Then I left.

Tanya kept our meeting secret. I said nothing to Stephen. And so, our strange half-life continues. I dont know if he still sees her. Sometimes hes out on business, and I cant help but suspect.

Im lostStephen is my whole world. After so many years together, I cant imagine life alone. If it came to a divorce, Id have to split everything up, and I dont want that. Let things stay as they are, I suppose. Even if he left me the house, Id rattle around here by myself. Stephens always fixing thingsrepairing the roof, patching walls, tinkering with the plumbing. Im frightened of loneliness and what it would mean for me; Im so used to this life. How would I ever tell the children that their father had found someone younger? It would break their hearts.

So I keep all my sorrow bottled up. If I did confess, people would say I lack self-respect, that I should pull myself together and walk away, put myself first.

Maybe thats right, I mused, but I love my husband. Maybe his attraction to a younger woman will pass. Most importantly, his attitude towards me hasnt changedhes still calm and gentle. We dont bicker; were just as we were in our youth. Perhaps that old saying is true: love yourself, and everything will be all right. I ought to think of myself, too

Still, its hard living burdened by this secret. Hard pretending with Stephen as if nothing happened, difficult with Tanya in my head, young and beautiful as she is. Oddly enough, Ive resigned myself to the fact that hes been with someone else.

Where is he now? Out working, or is he really with her?

Sometimes I even thinkcould I, too, find someone? I look well for my age, I receive compliments but the thought makes me recoil. I could never imagine another man by my side. My Stephen is the best, but how do I bring him home for good? I might forgive him if I must; its cruel, but men are simply differentperhaps they see love in another light. Maybe Im wrong; who knows what goes on in their heads.

I remember our early daysit makes me smile, wistfully. We were happy back then, even when we rented a tiny flat, scraping together pennies for supper, choosing between food and a trip to the cinema. How quickly those days slipped by. And now, despite having all I could ask for, I am lonely. Theres no one I can really confide in, nor do I want to bare my soul.

*
Tonight, Stephen pulled up in the drive, his headlights streaking across the garden, then the car engine died. He opened the garage, parked the car, and at last came inside.

Mary, where are you? Why are you sitting in the dark? he called, flicking on the kitchen lights, startling me from my reverie.

Im here, I answered quietly. Just thinking with this miserable weather outside.

Tell me about it, the roads are a nightmareI nearly got stuck in a snowdrift. Im starving; is there something to eat? he said in his everyday way.

I busied myself, while he washed his hands. Over supper, he glanced at me and grinned.

Mary, itll be Christmas soon, and Ive decided to give us a bit of a treat.

I braced myself. These days, I dread surprises.

What sort of treat? I asked, barely breathing.

Stephen hesitated, reading the worry on my face, letting the suspense draw out. At last, he smiled that old familiar smile.

We havent been anywhere together in ages. Hang on, Ill show you. He got up, fetched something from the hallway, and returned waving two glossy envelopes. Look, Ive booked us a holiday by the seaCornwall! Well spend Christmas by the coast, just you and me.

It was as if a great weight had lifted from my shoulders.

Oh Stephen, you havent changed a bit! Always with your surprises. Id love that, truly. Christmas by the seawho could have imagined? I laughed with genuine relief.

Our son gave me the idea, but I was already thinking its about time I whisked you away. Just a change of scenestart packing… he said, grinning.

Things have been better ever since. We went to Cornwall, welcomed the New Year by the waves, returned home happier. Life goes on. I trust Stephen again. Hes more attentive than ever, comes home early, and if hes ever delayed, he always lets me know these days.