They Left the Maternity Ward Together—No One Was There to Welcome Them, No Cameras, No Flowers. Besides, It Would Have Been Odd—Giving Flowers to a Man…

They left the maternity ward together, just the two of them. No one was waiting outside with balloons or bunches of flowers, and fortunately no one startled them with a camera. Honestly, people gifting flowers to a bloke… now that wouldve looked a bit odd.

No, his mum was alive and well, so dont go clutching your pearls. Its just that she really didnt fancy the whole child thing. Not at all. She told her husband from the start, no secrets there. But he was persistent, pleaded and even, in the most charmingly British way, tried a little gentle threatening.

After all, he was nearly 40 and yet to have any offspring. What if this was his one and only chance at leaving behind something more than his collection of novelty mugs? They struck a deal in the end; the wife gave birth, they promptly divorced, and she was perfectly happy to set up a standing order for child support.

At first, William considered refusing the moneyhis pride started acting up. But his ex-wife said, Listen, lifes long. Anything could happen. Youre no spring chicken, and Im quite a bit younger. I may not want a child, but hes still my son. Take the money. Think of it as a safety net… for later.

And so began those early, jittery days, but William never let it get him down. Just look at all the single mums about! Why should he be any worse off? And as for children missing out in a dads carenonsense! His son, little Jamie William, thrived, put on weight and was the happiest chap you could meet.

It was only when Jamie got a bit older that the questions about his mother began. How do you tell a child that their mum didnt want to stick around? William improvised.

I found you in the cellar, he replied.

Which cellar?

Well… the one in the house next door.

From that day on, the cellar took on an almost magical allure for Jamie. Whenever he wriggled free from his fathers distracted attention on their walks, hed peek in basement windows, calling softly, Muuuuum. His only reply was the deep, echoing quiet.

Then one day… Jamie heard something! His heart just about stopped, then thudded so hard he was surprised it didnt give him away. The stairwell door was ajar. Jamie held his breath and tiptoed into the cellar. At first it was dark as the inside of a dustbin, but soon his eyes adjusted. He went deeper, trying to call out. But his throat, tight with tears, only managed a watery whisper:

Mum? Mummy, are you here? Its meJamie! Ive come to find you!

Silence. Jamie, sniffling, tried once more to listen. Therea faint scrabbling in the corner. Wiping his nose on his grubby fist, Jamie crept towards the sound.

Mum must be very poorly, he reasoned. Otherwise, shed have come out by now and definitely found him. It didnt matter, thoughhed find his mum, and shed be so glad to see him!

He moved closer, both crying and grinning at once. After all, everyone he knew had a mum, and now he would too! But in the corner, nestled amongst some old rags, all Jamie found was a cat. A wary-looking cat, with a tiny kitten tucked under her tummy.

Mum?

Disappointment nearly split him in two, and his legs gave out; he plonked himself on the floor with a deep sigh. Then, peering at the cat, his young mind began to work.

At five, logic takes odd turns. And sometimes its much more straightforward than grown-ups version. Jamies friend Emily insisted her dad was a centaur; George swore blind his father was an alien (and even offered so-called proof). So why on earth couldnt his mum be a cat?

The cat understood, with impeccable feline empathy, that this boy posed no threat, neither to her nor the kitten. Tentatively, she nudged Jamies little palm with her head.

So, youre really my mum?

Jamie asked with such hope, and wanted to believe it so badly that he convinced himself entirely. He would have taken on any playground challenger who said otherwise. He hugged the cat, and she hugged him right back (in a very catty sort of way).

William only noticed his son was missing after a whilethen, of course, panic stations. He scoured the playground, checked the bushes, called in every direction.

Jaaaaamie! Jamie, come out this instant! Jamie-boy, where are you?

Those few minutes of not knowing added a cluster of grey hairs to Williams head, but finally, out of the cellar, Jamie emerged.

He walked slowly, hugging the cat and kitten to his chest. When his dad rushed over, Jamie declared nonchalantly, I found Mum. And this is my little sister, or maybe brotherIm not sure yet… They were in the cellar, you know, where you found me.

William was absolutely flummoxed. Should he now break the news with brutal honesty? How does one even begin? In the end, he simply agreed.

So, how did you know it was her?

Jamie shrugged. I just knew. The way she looked at me! Dad, lets go homeI think Mums worn out.

Jamie was over the moon. Mum was found! And who cared if the sister turned out to be a brotherit was even better; they could get up to all sorts of boyish mischief. And Mum would purr them both to sleep at bedtime.

In nursery, the other kids took it in their stride. So what if your mum was a cat? Kierans dad was an aeroplanehed even brought in a picture once.

William fretted for ages about how to explain things properly to Jamie, but when he saw his son beaming, he just let it be. Things would sort themselves out.

Home life, from then on, descended into absolute chaos. Jamie, kitten and cat tore around the flat, overturning everything not nailed downthe cat, young herself, more than willing to join in the fun.

You lot will be the death of me! William would grumble, picking socks out of the teapot.

All threethe boy gripping his shoelace, the kitten, and the catwould pause, give each other a look, shrug together, and scamper off for more mayhem. Why? Well, because Mum said it was allowed.