Mummy Dearest

Mum

Oi, you with the tail! Whose are you, then? Alice stopped and stared at the large ginger tomcat sitting right outside her front door.

Naturally, the cat didnt answer. He didnt even twitch when Alice appeared, let alone shift position. Only his torn ear twitched slightly, as if to say, Yes, I hear you, you wally, but dont expect a reply!

Fine, dont, then! Alice huffed, a little put out, and rummaged in her bag for her keys.

The cat, seemingly understanding what she was up to, shuffled over on the doormat to give her some space but refused to leave his spot, keeping a keen eye on her all the while.

At last, she found her keys and began wrestling with the lock, glancing back at the uninvited guest.

She and her husband, Tom, had bought this flat barely two months before. A tiny, two-room place, but it meant the world to them. Some would moan that a poky old flat in a 1960s estate is nothing to celebrate, that you should aspire for more. Well, perhaps. But Alice and Tom would have just laughed. Only six months ago, theyd never have dreamed of owning their own place, squatting in Toms grandads box room in a drafty old shared house and just grateful they were allowed any privacy at all.

Alice, dont go falling out with the neighbours! Toms mum, Dorothy, had helped her scrub the box room before they married. Theyre quite a decent lot. Well… aside from a bit too fond of their drink.

Oh yes? Whats so decent about them if theyre always down the pub? Alice retorted, wringing out her cloth and brushing her wild hair off her brow.

Her mad mane delighted Tom, but it was a nuisance for her, especially when cleaning. No matter what contraptions she used, her stubborn curls always escaped and bounced about, making her look like a dandelion in a gale.

Oh, its not straightforward sighed Dorothy, shaking her head. Theyve had too much to deal with in life. Not everyone knows how to keep it together after bad times.

Alice could understand that. As an orphan whod been shifted from a foster family when she turned eighteen, left to fend for herself, she knew all too well how self-pity could stop people remembering those who depended on them.

Her mother had left Alice on a station bench when she was barely three, with a note in her pocket and a battered, one-eared rabbit. Alice sat obediently on the bench, as Mummy told her, clutching her raggedy Rabby, desperate for the loo but terrified to get up. She knew shed be for it if she left the spot, so she stayed put, searching for her mum in every face passing by.

Mum never came back. Instead, a big bloke in a sharp police uniform appeared. He asked Alice a question, but she shook her head frantically, refusing to answer. The tears wouldnt come anymore she was cold, wet, and hungry. The policeman kept talking, words she didnt get, until he finally tapped Rabbys ear and asked, Whats your rabbit called?

Alice thawed a bit. She looked up and whispered, Rabby

The big man gently stroked Rabbys head, then Alices, and asked, Has your mum been gone long?

Thats when Alice finally broke down, sobs bursting out, startling not just the policeman, but everyone else in the waiting room, who until then hadnt spared her a glance.

Shed find out why her mother left many years later. It was the week before her school leaving ceremony when a strange woman approached her at the school gates, arms outstretched: Darling, Ive found you! Give your mum a cuddle! I missed you so much!

By then, Alice lived in a foster home with six other children, all sizes and ages. They never went hungry or cold and joined various clubs, did okay at school, and knew theyd leave as soon as they turned eighteen to make space for other children.

Affection and warmth werent part of the routine. Duty and care, yes but no, love was in very short supply. Alice didnt run into the arms of the woman beckoning to her.

Though, deep down, she ached to. Shed dream at night, squeezing Rabby under her pillow, longing just once to have the sort of mum other children seemed to havenever mind that it was only a battered stuffed toy that felt like family.

That first meeting, Alice didnt believe the womans tears for a second. Shed been told time and again that she couldnt possibly remember the wet bench at the station she was far too young. She stopped arguing, but she never stopped thinking about it. The memory stuck, if a bit faded, but she knew thered been a station, it was noisy, cold, and shed been left there

One of her foster sisters, Natalie, who was in her class, stepped in when Alice recoiled from the womans embrace.

Alice, whos that? Natalie blocked the womans way.

No idea The world spun around Alice. Her head swam, her thoughts running wild.

Excuse me, lady! Youve got the wrong girl! Shes my sister, and we dont know you! Natalie grabbed Alices hand and dragged her off the playground. Ill tell Mum! Leave us alone!

Alice, whod never been close with Natalie, squeezed her sisters hand, grateful. Thats how they arrived home hand in hand. When their foster mum gave them a quizzical look, they both just shrugged, What?

From that day, Alice had a real sister.

Natalies lot had only been different because it was her dad, a drunk, whod left her she also desperately longed for a proper bond, family or not.

Alice finally met with her mum a week later. The woman turned up at the school every day but instead of hugs, she only pleaded, Talk to me, darling!

Alice hated that darling, but Natalie just shrugged. Let her call you what she likes! Theyre only words.

It was Natalie who encouraged Alice to finally talk to her mum.

Youve nothing to lose, but you might get the answer to why she left you. Ask! Demand an explanation. Otherwise, youll always wonder if it was your fault.

How do you know I think that? Alice was shocked.

Not exactly rocket science, is it? Natalie gave a wry smile. We all do. We ask ourselves, What was so wrong with me that they dumped me?

Even you?

Of course.

You never said.

Neither did you. No one talks about it, Alice. We just bottle it up and cry in private. I do, anyway. But its time to grow up now.

Her mums explanation didnt change much.

You left me.

Im so sorry, darling!

Dont call me that! It drives me mad!

Alright, alright! I wont! Dont be cross!

Why did you do it?

It was hard. I had no help, no one to lean on. Your dad threw me out.

Why?

I told him you werent his.

Was it true?

No.

Then why say it?

I got angry. We rowed. Young and foolish, we broke it off

And then?

I fell out with my mum and decided to leave. But where could I go with a toddler? So, I left you, knowing someone would take care of you. I wrote a note said Id be back

And you thought a scrap of paper made it all alright? What kind of person does that make you?!

I know its no excuse But if youll let me make it up to you

How? Will you give me back all the years I spent without you? Sorry, but forget it! Dont come and see me!

You wont forgive me?

I dont know. Maybe someday, but Ill never forget! Do you get that? Never!

What do you even remember? You were so little, you cant possibly recall!

Alice simply got up and left. That was when she decided shed never let anyone tell her what she could or couldnt do.

Natalie understood.

Its your call, Alice. If it feels right, dont regret it. Move on!

Youre clever, Nat

Not much yet! But Im learning.

What do you want to do with your life?

Be a psychologist. Might finally figure people out.

Theyd laughed about that later, years after when Natalie was married with her own baby. Shed said, Nonsense, really! No one knows the right way to do things. Not you, not me, not anyone.

So what should we do, Nat?

Just live! Make it fun for your lot, make it warm and safe at home and dont let others get jealous.

Youre managing that.

I try my best, Natalie grinned, deftly swaddling her tiny daughter.

Watching Natalie, Alice became more tolerant of her own troubles.

Rooms in shared houses? At least hers was central and close to work. A bit of DIY and life could almost be called rosy! Dorothy had been right the neighbours really werent bad people. Theyd lost their daughter and drowned their grief in drink, but they kept themselves to themselves and didnt disturb anyone. Sometimes, youve just got to have compassion.

That truth took Alice a long time to accept. No one, except Natalie, had ever really pitied her before.

Her mother-in-law and Toms grandad helped. Dorothy was a doer determined and big-hearted. Shed adopted Alice as her own. Natalie called it a superhuman act.

Dont get your hopes too high, Alice, Natalie warned, helping her prepare for a Sunday dinner with Toms folk. They dont owe you anything. Youre not the sugar in their tea an orphan, nothing to your name, not even a council flat.

I got on the waiting list!

Do you know your number? Youre better off counting on yourself. And dont mention it to Dorothy. Not until youve actually got something.

Why not?

Dont jinx it. When its real, then tell her.

Suit yourself

And dont expect too much, but dont be prickly either.

You think Im daft?

No, just dont expect instant understanding. Give her and yourself time.

That Alice understood already.

At first, Dorothy seemed overwhelming loud, tall, full of boundless enthusiasm to make everyones life brighter. Alice wasnt used to anyone fussing over her. She could take Toms kindness with a grimace and only in small doses but Dorothys constant mission to be helpful just grated at first.

Alice, my coats in tatters. Will you come with me to the shops? Id ask Tom, but hes no use hates shopping, grabs the first thing and wants to escape. And Im a right handful to fit, so it takes ages. What do you say?

Alice didnt want to, but ended up going and, oddly, theyd always come back loaded with bags. Most of it for Alice a new jacket, boots shed never have dared dream of, a handbag. Dorothy always guessed what she liked without even asking.

Protesting was pointless, so Alice would just unpack the bags, secretly grateful for this strange woman.

What was Dorothy to her, really? Only Toms girlfriend, not even married yet. In the real world, mothers-in-law rarely welcome you with open arms. So Alice accepted the gifts coolly, kept polite, but didnt let Dorothy in.

It seemed Dorothy understood and backed off a bit. She also picked up on Alices desire to move out, without any fuss.

Dads getting too old to look after himself. Time he moved in here with me. Tom, you two need to give up your room.

Mum, wherell we go?

Take Grandads room. Youll swap. You young ones should live on your own, see what its like.

Toms grandad always smiled at the talk and agreed. After the move, hed wake Dorothy up at weekends, Come on, lazybones, time for our run!

Shed sigh, roll out of bed and take him for a jog, then help him douse himself with cold water in the park.

Dad, did I do the right thing, moving them out?

Of course! Youngsters need their own bumps and bruises. Dont interfere unless they ask.

But what about Alice? She was all but barefoot when she came to me.

Thats different youre doing your motherly bit. Just dont overdo it shes proud, that one. Go easy.

So Dorothy listened. She visited only when invited, rarely giving advice, keeping in mind her own struggles as a new mum, her mother far away, grateful eventually for the help of her own mother-in-law.

Youre the mum! shed been told. What are you afraid of?

What if I do something wrong? Hurt him somehow? Hes so small…

Now hush, stop your blubbering and listen! No woman has a clue what shes doing with her first child. Not even in theory. We all have to learn. Heres your first lesson: a mother cant harm her own baby, not on purpose! You carried him, didnt you? Hes part of you. Hold him, listen to yourself youll know what he needs. And if youre stuck, ask. Im here.

Tom barely remembered his real grandparents both gone before he was two but Dorothy kept their memory alive.

They loved you, Tom! Oh, how they loved you. Gran couldnt put you down. And Dad, he adored you. He wanted to buy you every football he saw…

Mum, why did they die? Dad was a good driver!

That lorry couldnt stop in the fog. Your aunt called for help, he couldnt refuse. Family comes first. Thats just the way.

Mum, do you miss him?

More than I can say, love. If it wasnt for you and Grandad, I dont know how Id have managed. I loved your dad so much.

Did he love you?

Absolutely.

How did you know it was love, not just… something else?

Other things?

People just live together sometimes, just for convenience.

Tom!

Come on, Mum, Im grown up. Nowadays, its all about whats easiest split the bills, have someone there, but love is different.

Maybe Im old-fashioned, but to me, living with someone isnt about sharing expenses! Tell me you dont think like that?

I want more, Mum. I want what you had with Dad. Love real love. Not because I have to, but because I want to share my life.

Itll come, son. Just you wait.

Perhaps thats why Dorothy didnt contest it when Tom brought Alice home for good.

With time, Alices prickliness faded, and Dorothy became almost a friend.

When Grandad suggested selling the room, Alice was a bit down.

Sad, are you? Grandad sorted his papers as Alice stacked the kettle, helping as Dorothy asked. Worried youll have nowhere?

Not at all! Well manage maybe rent, see what our incomes stretch to. Toms just started a new job, my pays only good for another box room. Still, its home, isnt it?

Nothing wrong with that! If I had the money, Id have asked to buy it from you myself. But its a pipe dream our own place will take time to save for. At least we have a target. And as Natalie says, even small milestones make the future look brighter. Shes right, you know well get there in the end!

Thats the spirit! Grandad grinned.

Did I say something odd?

Grandad only chuckled, ruffled her hair, and asked for a cuppa.

Put the kettle on and well have a good natter. Its the only fun left to an old fella, having tea and a gossip! Is Dorothy giving you a hard time?

Good heavens, no! Shes been nothing but lovely!

Go on with you! Youve gone all blotchy! Calm down. I only mean, shes your mother-in-law!

So?

Havent you heard the stories, that a mother-in-laws meant to be a terror? People still talk!

They exaggerate! Maybe some had it rough, but not me. You know that.

I do. And I know Dorothy sees you as a daughter, too. Dont shut her out. Shes a softie at heart.

I dont want to be pitied!

Why not?

Because I want to be strong. I can look after anyone, even you!

Good show! But why shouldnt you be pitied is it so terrible?

Of course!

Well then, I wont visit.

Whys that? Alice was genuinely confused.

I only came because I thought you felt for me! I liked it here. If thats so wrong, Id best keep away!

I dont understand. Isnt pity just a bad thing?

Depends what you mean. Once, in England, have pity or spare a thought used to mean the same as love. When someones ill, whats better: fancy words, or just someone caring for you?

The second, obviously.

Quite. And if someones soul hurts, what do you do?

Care for them?

Spot on. But not everyone needs or deserves your pity.

How do you mean?

Say your husband drinks, and year after year you feel sorry for him will that help? Or if your child does wrong, but you never teach them because you just feel bad for them? Sometimes, you can overdo it. You can feel sorry for someone, but do it wisely.

I care about you…

I know, and I value it, because its not just because Im old, right?

Right.

Its because you like me, is that it?

Very much so!

Excellent! Because I pity you, too!

Thank you… Who should we pity, anyway?

Whoever your heart tells you. Family, children, friends, even animals. But dont just give a stray a sausage outside Tesco for a pat on the back that isnt proper kindness. If you want to do good, give the animal a home. Itll come back to you.

Why?

Because thats how the world works. Whoever does good, and with good reasons, gets more good back in turn.

Alice thought of that conversation now. The cat at the door of their flat which theyd managed to buy with help from Grandad and Dorothy seemed to be waiting to be cared for. He didnt flinch from Alices hand, allowed a stroke, but when invited inside, he shot up the stairs, leaving her baffled.

Well, suit yourself! Alice grumbled, just as she was about to close the door, when the cat reappeared … not alone.

Trailing nervously behind him, a kitten almost a copy of his dad mewed and tumbled into Alices hands, and the tom dashed off up the stairs again.

Another kitten, just as ginger but quicker and more rebellious, wouldnt let his father carry him properly, and Alice couldnt help laughing at the clumsy rescue efforts.

Oh dear! Youre not much of a mother, are you! Alice took hold of the kitten, opened the door wide. Well come on in, then, both of you! Anyone else out there?

The tomcat stepped over the threshold uncertainly, glancing at Alice cradling his kittens.

In you come! No one will hurt you here. Wheres your mum, little ones?

The cat, unsurprisingly, didnt respond, but snatched one of the kittens by the scruff and whisked it over to the kitchen, trying to teach it to use a litter tray.

You really are a mum at heart! Alice chuckled, quickly covering her mouth so as not to frighten the little ones shuffling among the old newspaper. Sorry! Lets see what weve got in the fridge for you lot, shall we?

The tomcat watched approvingly as Alice went off to the kitchen.

That evening, Alice called a family meeting.

Dorothy, if you dont want them, Ill try to find homes, but I cant chuck them back out. Theyre so tiny. No idea what happened to their mum, or why the dads looking after them, but its odd, isnt it?

I dont see why youre asking me, Alice. Dorothy stroked a kitten curled up on her lap, smiling. Its your home, yours and Toms. You should decide who lives here. Why so serious? Youve understood exactly right. Go for it! Now, what have you given them to eat?

Milk. Luckily, theyre learning how to lap it.

Ill have this one when its bigger. As for the rest…

Ill try and find homes for the kittens, but the tom I think Ill keep. I want to learn from him.

From a cat? Dorothy arched an eyebrow.

Tom smiled, nodded, and left Alice to break the secret theyd kept for Dorothys birthday.

How to be a good mum… Now Ill have two teachers: you, and this furry nanny…

Alice gently flicked the cats torn ear, and couldnt hold back tears when Dorothy wrapped her up in a hug.

Todays lesson, I think, is this: sometimes, letting yourself be cared for and opening your doors to others, furry or human can teach you more about love than all the lonely years put together.