The Subjunctive Mood

The Subjunctive Mood

“So, a proposal? He actually proposed to you? Julia, are you mad? Honestly, what is there to think about?!”

“Oh Liv, its complicated”

Is it, though? Olivia shrugged off her coat and dropped into the café chair. Blimey, I legged it here! Ive got half an hour, tops, then Ive got to run Maddy to ballet and Alex to football.

Liv, hes nearly six, arent you going to stop calling him Alexie soon?

He should be grateful thats all I call him! You wont believe ityesterday he storms in from nursery and insists hes in love. With Lizzie from next door, can you imagine? Says he wants to marry her. What do you make of that?

And? Seems like pretty standard behaviour for your boy. Remember when you were that age?

Dont start! Do you remember what Mum was like when I said I was getting married? Olivia laughed. How old was I, again? Fifteen?

Fourteen! And you nearly gave Mum a heart attack, blurting out, Mum, Ive decided! You didnt care that Paul barely knew you existed.

And look how things turned out. He married me in the end, and now I’m paying for my teenage madness. Mum couldve been stricter. Washing up for the family for a year? Come on! Shouldve just grounded me.

As if that wouldve worked! Mum knew youd come goodbesides, all your dramatics never went anywhere. You always knew when to step back.

Except when it came to you, of course! Remember our fights when we were kids? Couldnt stand you for ages! Juliastar pupil, pretty as a picture; me, the wild child.

Mum never said that.

Gran did, plenty! Always warned Id end up in trouble. And look at us now!

Im not feeling too clever on that score myself, Julia sighed and nudged her coffee away.

Jules Olivia reached for her sisters hand. Whats up?

Im scared, Liv.

For heavens sake, why?! You finally meet a decent bloke and now youre getting cold feet! Whats the problem?

I just I dont think hell accept Max. Thats it.

Olivia frowned. Why dyou reckon that?

Its obvious, Liv. After the roses and thewell, the whole ring thing last night, he said maybe I should arrange for Max to stay with Mum for a while

Julia twisted the ring around her finger as she stared out the window. The ring was lovelyproper stunning, actually. But you wouldnt expect anything less from Chris, honestly. Hes a successful businessman, fitness freak, music nuttotal ladies man, and then suddenly, with me, he settles down, decides I deserve the world. He was never tight, always repeating what his mum said:

Son, women can live simply, they can stick by you through tough times if youre worth it. But a girl will think twice about staying with a man who could give her more but wont botherdoesn’t mean shes mercenary. If she thinks of you as her partner for life, the first thought is: If hes stingy with me now, what about my child later?

But Mum, why would she think like that? Whats the child got to do with it?

Do you remember that fairy tale about poor Elsie? Womenmost of usare all a bit Elsie. Were made to think a hundred steps ahead. Sure, its not always useful, but the smart ones end up in a better place. The ones who plan for the future dont end up left behind.

Chris took his mums advice deadly seriously. Hard not to, really; she was tough as old boots, brought him up alone when his dad threw them out for someone else. She never went back to her parents in some tiny villageshed counted the minutes till uni and never looked back. She worked any job going, lived in student digs, and learned that if you want to survive, youve got to hustle.

She married Chriss stepdad, Alan, out of pragmatism really, but Chris never knew that part. She let him believe lifes built on better principles.

Alan didnt have kids of his own, and bonded with Chris in no time. One day he just came right out with it:

“Julia, Ive been thinkingwill you marry me? My hearts with someone else, and you know that, but I want to do all I can for a boy I care for as my own. Youre struggling, no roof over your head, no real security. What if I leave all I have to you both? No family to speak of and I trust your common sense. So go away and think it through.

She took her time, looked Alan in the eye, and said yesbecause he was spot-on: Chris deserved a better future.

A quiet registry do, then she went off to uni next, with Alans blessingYou need a degree, its the best example you can give the boy. She wasnt planning to scrub floors forever; she had other ideas. Before long shed set up her own cleaning and events service, Alan doted on Chris, and life started to look up.

Chriss real dad never got in touch, even when Julia asked, let’s call it quits properly. He agreed without fussSay what you like to the lad, but best if he never knows about me.

So Chris grew up believing Alans the real deal. Only after Alan passed, when Chris was nineteen, did Julia tell him the truth.

Mumhe really loved me, didnt he?

“Oh, sweetheart, more than words. Sometimes, true family isnt about blood at all. Alan gave us a home, a future, and freedomfreedom from bitterness. Thats not nothing, boy.”

So Chris grew up blessed with two mums and two dadsor as good as. Julia moved to the country, left him the flat, waited for grandchildren. But Chris couldnt find the right girl.

“Mum, whats wrong with them all?”

“Nothing. Theyre lovely, clever, beautiful. But they arent my personeven Ali and Lydia, the ones you met. Alis all careerher place is like a showroom. I feel like Id need to book a slot to have a coffee. With Ali, life would be schedules and colour-matched socks.”

“Is that so bad?”

“Its suffocating, Mum. Not for me.”

“Lydia?”

“Perfect on paper, but I don’t love her. That enough?”

“Absolutely.”

So when Julia turned upwith a son in towJulia Senior was actually relieved. Not a kid anymore, still no family, and the fact that Jules had Max didnt bother her one bit.

“Chris, are you ready for this? To be a proper stepdad?”

“Mum, come on! As if I dont know who raised me.”

“Right, but what if Max doesnt accept you?”

“Then Ill work harder. A kids always first priorityany decent mum puts her child before any man.”

“Thats my boy. Just remember, youre the grown-up. If you want Julia, you win Max over as well. Simple as that. And dont do this half-heartedlykids arent toys, and neither is Julia. You can walk away, but think about Max. Hes not as strong as his mum. If youre going to do this, do it right.”

Chris listened, of course. He worked out his planand proposed. So thats how Julia ended up in this café, fidgeting with her ring, not sure what to do, heart full of doubts. You know her: head-over-heels but if her son isnt at home? Out of the question.

Olivia shifted in her seat, thinking if she should give her a bit of a lecture, but caved anyway: So, what did he actually say, then?

“Who?” Julia blinked, lost in thought.

“Oh, I dont knowthe Pope? Chris, obviously! Whats his actual reason for sending Max to your mums after the wedding?”

“Nothing concrete. He just asked if Max could stay with my mum for a week after we get married.”

She tossed her teaspoon down, a rare angry gesture. The clatter caught the waiters eye but Olivia waved him off, swiping the spoon, licking the last foam off in a silly show, then flicking it gently at Julias foreheadjust like when they were kids.

Ow! Julia grumbled, rubbing her head.

Youll live! Some habits never fade, have they?”

“We haven’t been children for a while.”

“Exactly! Grown-ups sincewhen? You found out about Max? Or earlier?”

“Probably earlier

“Yeah, Gran always said, early to mature! Life still teaching you lessons, or what?”

About what? Julia borrowed the spoon, holding it to her forehead. Thats going to leave a lump

Well cover it up! Olivia rolled her eyes. Tell me, sister, what wouldve happened if youd told someone sooner about Nick? Even just me?

Dont know. Doesnt matter now.

True. But honestly, maybe you need a crisis before you open up to the people who love you?

Julia sighed, spoon aside. Maybe youre right

No maybe about it. Want a reminder how Max got here?

No need, I remember perfectly well.

“Are you sure?” Olivia said quietly. And Julia, avoiding her gaze, felt itsometimes her sisters honesty was too much, but this time, as always, Liv was dead right.

See, Max wasnt planned. His dad Nick was in her class at school. He smiled at her once, she melted. Used to sigh her way past the mirror in the entrance, hoping hed say a quick hi. The fact it was never just for her didnt matter. She didnt clock the truth until much later.

In the end, Nick did notice her. At prom, he took her hand and walked her outno parents at home. She agreed to whatever he wanted without knowing why, clever as she was, the savvy, straight-talking girl who never kept secrets from Mum except this, her first big love, kept silent.

Afterwards, she delayed telling her parents, hoping Nick would come round. He never didshe missed her window. Olivia watched her like a hawk, got her mates to keep an eye out. One night, she hugged her little sister and said, Don’t you worry, forget him. Honestly, I don’t even want to waste words!

“Forget who? Liv, what are you talking about?” Julia cried, nerves breakingand fainted before she saw their mum rush in.

When she woke, Mum stroked her hair, eyes red-raw from tears. Why didnt you say anything? You think this is easier?

They all ended up sobbing togetherher, Mum, Livuntil Dad got home and joked, Whats with the waterworks? Come on, girls, lets be happy! Were getting a grandchild, arent we?

Julia had never felt such relief or gratitude. She was mortified, but so utterly lighther family didnt judge, they just accepted it. So Max came into a family that was patchwork, unconventional, but grounded in love.

With her parents help, Julia finished university, built herself a life with Max, and knew security. Then Chris came along andwell, it shook that certainty. Could she risk Maxs future, just for her own happiness?

Shed made that mistake once, and if not for her family God knows where they’d be now. Was she selfish to want more?

Her face must have been a picture, because Olivia just grinned, caught the waiter and ordered a dessert and another spoon.

Nerves need cake. Plus, you need to learn to talk things outnot just with me, but with Chris. Just ask why he wants Max with your mum for a week. How hard can it be?

I dunno Youre probably right. Just ask?

Exactly. Right now. Olivia pinched her phone, waving it in front of her.

Liv! Hes in a meeting!

So? Good chance to see how much he cares!

Liv, seriously, thats not fair

Nonsense! Dont want to call? Text him.

Hell think Im needy, wont he?

Does it matter? Youre wearing his ring. That means something, doesnt it?

Im still thinking

You didnt say no straight away. Youre in. Honestly, Juleshow can you build a proper relationship if youre terrified of honest questions? He cant read your mind. Tell him what you need. And stop living in what ifs. Work out what you want and go for it!

If only I knew what I wanted She took her phone from Liv, about ready to burst into tears, but sent the message anyway. Just ask?

Just ask. Olivia looked tired and kind.

The reply pinged back instantlyhis picture on her phone made Julia smile at last.

“Now do you see?” Liv checked her watch, leaped up, and rolled her eyes. Back to reality for methere you are, having your dramatic moments, and my lot need shuffling around town! Chin uphes done the right thing! A week for you both together, then the whole family. Youre not just someones mum, youre a woman first. If Im honest, Im a bit jealousPaul would never have thought of that. And talk to Max, too, he wont be against calling Chris Dad sooner than you think. Not that I said anything

Really?

Absolutely. But shhh, you heard nothing from me.

She darted off, giving Julia a thumbs-up at the door. Use your head, girl! Olivia mouthed as she disappeared.

Julia did just that. Her thinking paid off, too.

Three years later, proud Max held his newborn sister for the first time and nodded solemnly at the man he already called Dad.

Careful with her, Max! Julia started to leap up, worried, but Chris slipped an arm around her and held her back for this moment.

Trust him. Its all good. Right, lad?

Dad! Give me some credit! Max grinned, cradling his little sister, wrapped in a blanket hed spent ages choosing with Chris. Mum shes gorgeousMax rocked gently, his eyes huge with the earnestness of a boy determined to get it right. Julia leaned into Chriss embrace, her heart fullof nerves, pride, and an overwhelming sense of home. She caught Max glancing at her, as if searching for silent approval, and she smiled, the same old reassuring smile, but it meant more now: Yes, you are enough.

Look, Mum, Max whispered, as if he were sharing a secret with the baby. Shes not even crying.

Chris ruffled Maxs hair, grinning. Thats my boy. Born for this.

Julias mum hovered in the doorway, holding out a tray piled with chocolate biscuits. Anyone for a victory snack? I see you survived your first sibling cuddle, Maximus.

He grinned back, mouth full of pride and hope. Were a team, Nan.

Julia took a breath, amazed at how simple it seemed nowhow all the worry and ‘what ifs’ shrank in the presence of this borrowed calm, this laughter wound through the room like a golden thread. Chris caught her watching, lifted her hand, and squeezed it gently.

Good choice, Jules? he murmured, eyes soft and sure.

She answered not with words, but with tears, the good kindthe kind you save for new chapters. Olivia poked her head round just then, Sunday paper under her arm, calling, Thought Id missed the moment! Are you lot crying or singing? Hard to tell in this house!

They all laughed, and Max, with the authority of a big brother, declared, No crying. Only happy.

Outside, the wind rattled the rain against the window, but inside, Julia realized shed finally learned the subjunctivewhat might have been, what could have beenmeant nothing now. She wasnt living in if only. Here in the tidy, noisy, cake-crumbed chaos of her family, she was living in the bright, unshakable present.

And some wishes, at last, had come true.