The Examination

Exam

Ive had enough! Thats it! If you dont stop getting on my case, I wont go at all! I wont sit the exam, wont even show up! What will you do then, eh? Olivia hurled her backpack into the corner of the hallway and tore off her beanie.

Her mother didnt answer. She just shook her head and retreated to the kitchen.

Olivia shrugged off her coat, on the verge of tossing it after her bag, but hesitated. Opening the cupboard, she hung it carefully on the rail, then let out a long sigh.

Right, here we go againanother row over nothing!

Why did her mum always have to prod and pester with questions and advice? Seriously, as if she were a little girlor thick!

Of course she remembered her lesson later today with yet another private tutor. No need to remind her every half-hour!

Olivia knew she was exaggerating. Mum wasnt exactly hassling her, just asking if she remembered she had her third English Literature tutor this year. But the feeling that her mum still tried to control her stung so much that anger became second natureeven when there was no need for it.

Olivia washed her hands, staring at her reflection in the mirror above the basin.

Some looker she was. Spots, Dads snub nose, and Mums wild ginger frizz. How many times had Olivia begged to dye her hair? Mum didnt budgealways going on about beauty being earned not inheritedas if Olivia would ever thank her for it.

Yeah, right! Everyone elses hair was glossy and straight, and hers looked like a scarecrows! Plaitshonestly, who still wears plaits?

Olivia let slip a smile, remembering the look on Mums face when shed cut those hated plaits nearly to the roots with those blunt kiddie scissors from her old art set. She hadnt found any others. Gritting her teeth, she all but sawed through the copper strands, imagining her mums horrified gasp:

Olivia Grace, why?

Because Im sick of itof everything! This is my life, my rules! Im going to do as I please!

Everyone goes on about obedience, but why should she listen to their outdated nonsense? Shes got her own lifeone they couldnt even imagine. How could they possibly understand what she wants, when they never even had the internet at her age? How did they even survive? Its impossible to explain that things dont work that way anymorethat no one needs endless hours with books and pointless exams! Now, with a swipe on your phone you can find anything you want in seconds! Mum argued otherwisethat no screen could teach you how to be a decent person or deal with peoplebut what would she know? Maybe Mum should watch a few parenting videos; she might actually learn something.

Olivia picked at a fresh scabanother eruption on her chinand winced. Good job Mum couldnt see; shed go off her nut. Shed already dragged Olivia to dermatologists, always saying scars would be left, but Olivia didnt care. People should value her for who she is inside! How do you explain that to a mother?

Oh, motherwhat a perfect word! She gave birth to Olivia, sure, but that doesnt make Olivia her property! Shes not a thing to be told what to do!

Olivia winked at her reflection.

Whats the matter, Mum? Dont like it, eh? You shouldnt have pushed me with endless tutors and encouraging me towards law school! Olivia already knew more about the law than either of her parents. They should have been half as savvy; then the divorce might have been less of a mess.

Mum had no pride, no ambition! Dad left her for someone younger, split the house as he pleased, and she didnt even argue. Sure, the flat went into Olivias nameher grans legacybut that was only right. And Mum? Child support, and that was it. No compensation for all those wasted years. As if Olivia didnt know how theyd lived the past five years! She wasnt little Livvy anymore, as Dad had called her onceshe saw everything now, understood everything.

The silent hostility Mum had shown as she set dinner on the table And Dads cold, meaningless thanks for every meal The tiny study with no room for a wardrobe, so Dad came every morning to the bedroom for his shirts Mum setting her alarm to stop him seeing her sleeping there The relief both felt when, at last, Olivia turned fourteen and told them to stop pretending and split up for good. How long could it have lasted, anyway?

Adultsso bizarre! We do it all for you! Youre the centre of our universe!

Lies, the whole lot! Everyone lives for themselvesno one else. Olivia could reel off examples. Even in matters that supposedly concerned her, Mum and Dad only wanted what suited them. She was just a bargaining chip, a way to ensure terms were met on both sides.

Like this new flat. Same building, but a different entrance, and smallertwo bedrooms instead of three. Yes, it was freshly redecorated with decent furniture, but Mum had negotiated this place in exchange for Dads guilt towards Olivia. Of coursethe child needs proper conditions! Starting new lifemake sure your daughter has everything! And Dad went along with it. Olivia had a generous bedroom, more space than the old nursery, but not out of concern for herit was just a way to split things without endless feuding. She was a buffer zone between them.

Olivia grimaced, finally taking the ointment off the shelfthe one prescribed by the doctor. Not that Mum was right, of course; but the ointment actually worked, drying out the spots quickly. Olivia needed that tonight.

Because tonight because the roof

The roof had only become part of Olivias reality recentlya few months ago, when Ben, the boy shed only dared watch from afar, had sent her a message: Walk with me?

At first she thought it was a joke. Everyone at school knew she fancied him. Theyd teased her of course, but mostly liked herOlivia had never been mean, always let others copy her homework, and answered the teachers questions to save her classmates.

Miss Cartwright, I asked you last lesson! Why are you waving your hand again?

Oh, Miss Wilson, its just such an interesting topic! Tell me, was Henry VIII a tyrant? Was his reign authoritarian?

Where did you get that idea? The strict History teacher, who terrified them all, would always take the bait, and the others would sigh in relief, certain thered be no pop quiz today.

So, when Olivia showed Bens message to her frenemy Phoebe, the latter snorted:

So? Calm down!

Is it really from him?

Liv, youre odd! Go and ask! Why act like a Victorian damsel? Girls ask boys out now! Why are you scared to find out?

Olivia stayed quiet. She couldnt have explained the turmoil that message had stirred up, how its single word had burned itself into her mind.

She went to the agreed spot. After that, everything changed.

The roof of the old, derelict blockclaimed by the local teenswasnt the safest spot, Olivia knew. But every time Ben took her hand and said, Careful, her breath caught and shed follow him, counting the steps in her head:

Fifteen, sixteen go on! Thirty-two, thirty-three What are you afraid of? Hes here

He first put his arm round her up there, in front of everyone, claiming her as his. No one argued, though Olivia saw the jealous looks from the girls. Ben had known them all his life, but chose her, an outsider.

He kissed her there for the first time

That night, they stayed alone. Everyone else went to the cinema. Olivia wanted to see the film herself, but when Ben gently squeezed her hand and whispered that theyd go together, just the two of themanother timeshe stayed, knowing this evening would be special.

And it was. Sometimes, even now, Olivia would pause, close her eyes, and remember him saying:

Liv, I fancy you Im rubbish with words, but no girl compares to you Can I

And his lipssoft and oddly tender

She squeezed her eyes shut, savouring that happiness, until a gentle scratching at the door pulled her back.

Liv, youll be late Lunch is on the table

A wave of fury washed over Olivia. How much more?!

She burst from the bathroom, all fireand her face probably looked just like a banshee shed seen in some silly meme online.

What do you want from me? I said I remember! Stop nagging! Not satisfied with driving Dad away? Now youre after me? Well, Ill go too! Ill live with him! If you dont stop

Olivia never finished. Mum let out a weird sigh, then slapped her sharply.

Go on, then! And when you get back, remember youve got a practice English paper in the morning. Get some sleep

Olivia stood stunned. Her mother had never hit her. Not once, in all her life. Not that Olivia felt especially wrongedshed pushed itbut the fact that Mum had finally snapped was a revelation.

But giving in without a fight wasnt her style. Backpack, coat, headphones… She wanted to slam the door so hard the whole building would shake, but Olivia held back. No need to give Mum cause to call her a hysterical drama queen.

She dashed outside and checked her phone. Right. An hours journey, an hour with the tutorso shed meet Ben no earlier than six. Suits her. Theyd sit on the roof, let Mum stew, let her worryprobably do her good. Dad didnt always answer on the first ring anymore, so Olivia would have time to talk to Ben. Maybe hed have some advice. Bens parents gave him free rein. He lived independentlya credit card with a generous limit, designer clothes, and no one breathing down his neck. His mother was always busy, his father thought sixteen was the age to face adulthood, even letting Ben find a part-time job and manage his own revision. He reckoned you should choose your own future.

Some people were just so wise.

Not like Olivias mother

Her dad rang as she reached the tutors street.

Whats going on now? Mum says youre moving in with me?

Oh come on, Dad! Why do you even listen to her? Why should I be responsible for you two? Your new wifes about to have a babywhat about me? Do I become the babysitter? Ive got my own life!

All right. Dont fight with your mother, or Ill cut your allowance. Got it?

Thats what I like about you, Dadclear as day. Understood!

Good girl. Dont wind your mum up. She doesnt deserve it.

He hung up. Olivia scowled.

Always the sameat each others throats until it came to her, then suddenly united. Perverse, really.

The new tutor failed to impress her. He just snorted at her brilliant monologue about idioms and handed her a book, instructing her to read certain chapters for next time. Olivia was indignant at first, but after hearing a few of his examples, decided it might actually be helpful.

No way she was going to look foolish. Ben was clevershe had to match him. All those clips shed watched on relationshipssame message every time: Girls should be independent and smart! She wasnt quite there on independence, but clevernesswell, as Mum said, that could be worked on. Mum had managed a degree in the end, after all.

Mum had left university after having Olivia, taking a leave of absence, and then, overwhelmed, deciding her daughter was more important than a diploma. When Olivia was young, she was always ill, and there was no gran left to watch her. She lasted half a year at nursery, but then stayed home, sick, most of the time. She hated nursery anywayhorrible porridge, annoying kids, and no comforting cuddles from Mum. Dad had once said:

Youre too closeyou cant let her go. Thats not right. Makes it harder for her in the long run.

When Olivia entered Year 3, Mum arranged for the neighbour to fetch her after school, then went back to uni on a part-time basis and got a job at the same time.

Right thing to do. Otherwise Mum would still be counting pennies and bitter at the world. This way, she had worka small business, arranging wedding receptions. Olivia liked what Mum didit was lovely, feminine work. Yet at work, Mum was no longer a mousy homemaker, but a leaderdirecting her staff, and Olivia was secretly proud. That was the strength she wanted for herself one day.

Still, Mums hovering was smothering at times, Olivia admitted. Shed enforced the rule that Mum could only knock before entering her room, and did her best not to let Mum interferebut she still managed to check up on Olivia stealthily, not with threats like Dad, but with relentless, gentle:

Liv, how was your day? Whats on the timetable? Hungry?

That kind of care grated so much that Olivia wanted to scream, Just leave me alone! Im grown up!

Sometimes she didshouting, stomping, raging that Mum still treated her like a child.

Now Olivia hurried from her lesson to her meeting place with Ben, longing to feel his arms around her, to forget, for a few hours, about family, exams, and pointless worries. Life was slipping by, and her parents rattled on about the same old things. Shed had enough!

Ben wasnt at their usual gate by the school yard. Olivia loitered briefly, before deciding to go up to the roof by herself. Ben wasnt answering, which had never happened before. Worry gnawed at hersomething was wrong.

Each step up to the roof felt harderthe warmth of Bens hand, usually her talisman, missing. Now every stair creaked with dread.

The roof greeted her with a gust of cold spring wind and silence.

The others were gone. No one there.

She almost turned back, pulling out her phone for the torch as dusk spread, when she heard a shuffling at the far edge and froze, stifling the cry that rose in her throat as she recognised Bens figure.

Ben

He sat right on the edge, legs over the side, shoulders slumped. Olivia, though she hadnt known him long, understood instantlyhe was hurting, badly. Something serious, something frightening, had broken him. Nothing about his posture belonged to the confident boy whod always seemed above it all.

Panic about what might happen gave Olivia strengthshe dropped her backpack and stepped onto the roof, too worried to call Bens name.

Hey

She perched beside him, dangerously close to the edge. She couldnt copy Ben, too scared of heights; her feet stayed on solid ground, her gaze firmly off the drop. Shed never understood why the roof drew her now, when as a child, even swings made her queasy.

Hey Ben didnt glance at her, so Olivia just reached for his hand, squeezing fingers that were icy cold.

Youre freezing

Huh? His voice was flat as he finally raised his head. His eyes, blank, nothing like those shed grown to know, locked onto hersterrifying and magnetic at once.

Perhaps then, Olivia first understood what her mum feltthose times they fought and argued. It was that primal, gut-wrenching fear of failing to reach the person you love most.

That was the feeling nowBens hand, lifeless in hers.

How are you?

She heard her own voicesounding so much like her mothers, with the same desperate, pleading undertone:

Tell me! Whats wrong? Let me in! I dont want to see you hurt!

And it worked.

Dreadful, Ben echoed, finally squeezing her hand. Im just lost, Liv.

Something happened.

It wasnt a question, and that, too, did the trick.

Yes.

Can I know? I realise we havent known each other for ages, but maybe youd let me in?

Ben finally looked at her, his stare so strange Olivia involuntarily shivered.

You think were not close?

No, you misunderstood. I meantyoure the closest person Ive got, but I wasnt sure it felt the same for you.

Liv, come on. Ive got no one else besides you. No one.

Her heart missed a beat. Then another. She felt sure Ben could hear it thumping like crazy.

No one? What about your parents? she blurted, still dizzy from his confession. Ben flinched and twisted round so violently Olivia gasped.

Watch it!

Yeah! Hold me backbetter yet, push me! Like they did!

Who?

The ones I thought were my parents! Theyre nothing to me, Liv! Do you get it? Nothing! Mum gave me my papers today decided I ought to know how I came to be in their family. LivIm adopted! You get it? Adopted! I always suspected. Now I know Ive never lived my own life, just someone elses. I took another boys place, Liv! Someone elses spot

Ben was shouting. Olivia clung to his handterrified he might really jump.

She didnt doubt for a second thats what Ben had been about to do. He might try to act tough, but she knewbehind it all, he was just another lost soul. The mask dropped when it was just them two. Shed seen, in those moments, a light and tenderness she longed to reach, and suddenly felt deeply ashamed at her own harshness and anger towards her parents and lifes unfairness.

If asked what exactly was so unfair, Olivia wouldnt have known. But she understood nowall her efforts to claim adulthood were hollow. Here was a boy forced to grow up in the space of one shattering momentwithout any of the support she still took for granted.

Ben, Im scared! she sobbed, surprising herself, but it jolted him out of his numbness.

Hey! Dont cry. He pulled her closer. Olivia clung to him as tightly as she could.

Dont! Please, dont do it! Even if theyve rejected youI never will. Dyou hear? Nothing means more to me than you, Ben. Nothing!

Im not Ben He sounded so empty, Olivia peered at him through tears. They called me something else.

What?

Aiden. And my surname was different.

It doesnt matter! Whats in a name? You could be the Pope, for all I care. Youre youI know you! And I dont care what they called you. Hear me?

Yeah But that doesnt mean everyone will look at it that way. Liv, what do I do now? Where do I go?

Cant you go home? Did they kick you out?

No. Mum cried, she begged me to stay. Dad I hit him.

Why?

He tried to lock the door, stop me leaving. Shouted that I didnt understand

And do you? Do you really understand everything?

Whats that supposed to mean? What else am I missing? Bens voice was sharp with pain.

Why did they decide to tell you now?

Her question hung in the wind. Ben stared, shivering with confusion.

I dont know he murmured at last.

Now there was a question in his voice, not despair. Olivia was sure that, with that question, the edge would hold him.

Shall I come with you? she asked.

Where?

To see your parents. Ben, lets go together. Let them explain why they chose today to tell you. Afterwards, if you want, well come back. And if you still decide I wont stop you.

Bens shocked look didnt faze Olivia. She squeezed his hand harder, gently tugging him from the edge.

Come on.

He climbed away from the edge, obeying Olivias gentle pull. Step by step, she led him further, making him focus on what needed to be done, not what nearly happened.

Im a coward

No you arent! Olivia huffed indignantly, pulling him towards the stairs. Id have lost it if Id just found out my parents Anyone would! Hear me?

She tripped and Ben caught her.

Careful!

Says you! She squeezed his hand, turned her torch on. Lets go. Weve got a lot to do.

That evening would stay with them forever.

There was the talk with BensAidensparents. Hard, agonising.

A reconciliation, of sorts. Ben learned his birth father was about to be released from prison, threatening to contact his son and tell him the whole story. The woman whod raised Bentaking in the child of a friend who had died so young, so needlesslycried as she finally explained.

My mumthe real

Yes, Ben, your father

And now he wants

He wants to meet you.

I dont want that.

We understand. Thats your choice. We just thought it better you heard it from us, not from him. Sorry it had to be now. We hoped for another year, two but hes being released early.

I dont want to see him.

Thats your right. Well stand by you.

They talked on and on. Olivia realised she and Ben would never go back to the roof. Not tonightnot ever. Something had shifted in them, swapping old pain for possibility.

Late that night, when Olivia slipped her key into the lock at home, she didnt even take off her coat as she tiptoed to the dark kitchen. Her mother stood silently, sentinel at the window. Olivia hugged her from behind, pressing her face into those unruly curls and breathing in the familiar scent of Mums favourite perfume. And she whispered the word that swept away everything unnecessary, leaving only the essential:

Sorry

And echoing back, the answer from the only person who truly cared for every one of her worries, hopes and doubts:

And Im sorry Hungry?

No, Mum. Thank you. You know, I think I passed an exam today

What exam, Liv? Youre months away from any real ones.

I mean the most important one, Mum Ill tell you more tomorrow.

Why tomorrow?

Because Ive got a mock in the morning, and I need sleepOlivia loosened her arms, but didnt let go. For a moment, she and her mother stood together in the quiet, listening to the distant hum of the city, the soft ticking of the kitchen clockordinary sounds that now felt soothing and safe.

Her mother turned, brushing a stray tear from Olivias cheek, and tucked a fiery curl behind her ear. I missed you tonight. I just wanted to know you were all right.

Olivia nodded, her breath hiccupping. I am, Mum. Really. AndI think I understand now. About worrying about loving people even when they drive you mad. Im sorry for before.

Her mothers eyes shone, tired but warm. Thats what growing up feels like, Liv. You worry, you fightand sometimes, you figure out why you care so much.

Olivia managed a wobbly smile. Do you think, maybe, we both passed, then?

We both got through it, her mother whispered, squeezing her hand. And well keep getting through, the next time and the next.

Olivia finally shed her coat, letting it fall to the back of the kitchen chair, every movement unhurried. She fished her phone from her pocket and saw a new message from Bena single, hopeful line: Thank you. I dont feel so alone.

She glanced at her motherher anchor in the stormand at that moment, Olivia knew: no exam, no grade, no argument could ever matter more than the people who stayed when things fell apart.

She poured herself a glass of water, set it down with a clink, and looked out into the dark with calmness she hadnt felt in years.

Tomorrow, she would tell her mother about Ben; about roofs and fears, about big truths that changed everything. But for tonight, it was enough to be home, together, stronger on the other side of so much confusion.

The kitchen light glowed softly around them, closing out the world, while outside, spring pressed against the windowsfull of things to learn, and finally, for the first time, Olivia felt ready.