A House Full of Uninvited Guests: Or, How My Husband’s Home Became a Never-Ending Refuge for Distant “Relatives,” Strangers, and the Occasional Professor, Complete With Volleyball Tournaments in December and Auntie Marsha’s Famous Pancakes

A House Overrun with Uninvited Guests

– Cant these dear souls go and live somewhere else? asked Alice, raising her eyebrow. There are plenty of hotels about, you know!

– Theyre not just here to clutter up our house! Theyve all landed themselves in a pickle. Once they sort it out, theyll be off again!

– Yes, and as soon as one leaves, another turns up! And I overheard yesterday that some chap called Nigel Bennett, Ive got no idea who that is, has been living here for two years already!

– How long is this supposed to go on! Alice exclaimed. Honestly, its beyond comprehension!

– Whats up? said Peter, stretching out, terribly pleased with himself in bed.

– Out there! Alice gestured vigorously at the window. Theyre about to start a volleyball match!

– Brilliant! Peter reached out with a yawn.

– Brilliant? Alice yanked the curtains shut. Dont tell me youre going too!

– No, Ill just lie here for a bit longer, he grinned. And I hope youll do the same!

Alice perched herself on the edge of the bed.

– Tell me, what sort of sane person holds an outdoor volleyball tournament in early December?

– Why not, Peter shrugged. No snow, no frost. Its dry. Nothing wrong with a bit of ball games.

– Theyll smash all the windows at this rate, Alice muttered. Not a single pro out there! That balls going every which way!

– When they break them, well just fit new ones, Peter stretched again.

Alice shook her head, deeply unimpressed. She was about to continue her grumbles, when from downstairs came a bellow:

– Lovelies! Breakfast is ready! Ive just cooked up a batch of cheese scones! Theres time for cuddling later! Hurry up while its still hot!

– Auntie Maggies up to her usual, Peter said with a smile.

– I thought making breakfast for one’s husband was supposed to be the wifes privilege, actually! sniffed Alice.

– You could always make the coffee! Peter chuckled.

– Lovelies! The coffees going cold too! came Maggies voice from below.

– See? Alice nodded towards the door. Whats next, Aunt Maggie taking my side of the bed?

– Dont exaggerate! Peter said, thoroughly amused. Youll always have your spot in our bed! Now come on, lets eat. Breakfast really will go cold!

Alice sighed, resigned, as she pulled on her robe.

On the way to the kitchen, and even in it, they met nobody.

– Remarkable, Alice grumbled, I thought wed never get a minute alone together in this house!

– Miracles do happen, Peter smirked. But you have to admit, things are lively! Breakfast now, then a spot of volleyball. And this evening, Roger Smithsons promised a barbecue!

– Smoke, burnt sausages, and something always gets set on fire, muttered Alice, attacking the cheese scones.

– You mean the guesthouse? laughed Peter. The new ones already finished! Better than the last, and three times as big!

– Just so we can have even more guests crowd in! Alice was clearly not thrilled. I cant even remember half their names! They all need name badges, and a little note about how theyre related, so I have some clue who Im talking to!

– Youll still get confused, because theres a trail Peter paused. Probably something like: your husbands brothers wifes cousin, and who knows after that!

Alice tried to follow along in her head.

– By the time you finished reading the name tag, youd go mad!

That line of conversation dissolved as the scones proved to be exceptional. Later, in slightly better spirits, Alice asked:

– Pete, how much longer is this going on for?

– Which bit? Peter, fully aware of what she meant, wanted her to say it out loud.

– All these endless visitors, Alice said. I know we should be hospitable, but isnt this taking it a tad far? Yesterday, just out of interest, I started counting heads. I lost track somewhere past thirty!

Thirty guests, not a single one showing signs of packing up and leaving. This was not how I pictured married life.

– But it is family life! And you know, these people are sort of family! Peter replied.

– Oh yes, in a Mums cousins dogs groomers uncle sort of way! Alice muttered. Theyre not even kin to your brother, the one who lumbered us with all this happiness! Its through his wife!

– If you get technical, Im sure there are proper names for these relations. I just dont know any of them! said Peter. But you have to admit, they’re pleasant enough.

– But cant these pleasant people stay anywhere else? asked Alice. Theres no shortage of Travelodges around!

– Look, its not as though theyre here to inconvenience us. Things went pear-shaped for them. They’ll sort it and be off.

– And then another lot is straight in after! And by the way, I heard yesterday that Nigel Bennett, whoever he is, has had a room here for two years now!

Found a job as an accountant in the local corner shop! And Auntie Maggie, who made these wonderful scones, keeps house in three other homes down the lane, like some roving cleaner!

– Wonderful! Peter beamed. Theyre getting on with it!

– Pete, if this carries on, Im moving back to London! My flats still there! Itll just be the two of us, which is preferable to being part of this circus!

***

Right from the start, Alice knew she was taking a bit of a punt with Peter. He was ten years her senior, and Alice was well past her girlish years when they met twenty-five, to be precise.

And immediately questions arose:

– Why hasnt Peter ever married? Whats wrong with him?

But the same could be said of Alice:

– Why is she still single at twenty-five? Whats wrong with her?

But Alice knew the answer about herself. Shed trained as an architect. Not exactly a meal ticket, unless you back it up with actual work and a sprinkling of reputation. Ideally, she wanted to support herself properly, so she could pick a husband by choice, not out of necessity.

She started out for the council, then moved to the private sector more interesting, much better money, though the clients could be, well, a bit quirky. But, work is work.

Serious romance just wasnt on the cards.

As it turned out, Peters story was similar, but even more of a saga. His brother, Andrew, started a company straight out of university and got married in about the same breath.

Not keen on working round the clock, Andrew dragged Peter in to do the hard graft. Which, in all honesty, meant dropping everything and heaving the firm onto Peters shoulders. At the time, Peter had just finished his National Service.

So, Peter had to get his qualifications and run the company at the same time.

Fair play to Peter, he managed it, but personal life was barely a memory. When Andrew’s son was born, Peter often didnt even make it home.

– Mate, are you ever going to do any work? Peter once asked his brother.

– Pete, I’ve lost my drive for this sort of thing, Andrew replied, sheepish. I dont want to be a businessman!

– Great! Peter exclaimed. So, what do you want to do?

– I want to work with my hands! Regular hours! And every evening home, always! To my wife and son! Andrew said, dreamily.

– Will that sort of job bring in enough to live on? Peter asked.

– Me and Kate are thinking of moving up to the Lake District… Andrew pulled some papers out of a folder. Ive signed over the firm and all its assets to you! Youre doing brilliantly anyway! Go on keep it!

– Well, at least set up a bank account so I can send you a slice of the profits, Peter said, rather stunned.

After that, Peters life got positively jolly. By the time he hit thirty-five, he had everything running as smooth as it could be finally, time to think about starting a family.

Alice and Peter hit it off straight away. Once theyd both checked for red flags, love swooped in and made itself at home. Six months later, no sense in dragging it out, they tied the knot.

They moved into Alices flat.

– I love you, but honestly, this is just easier, Alice said, slightly embarrassed. Im five minutes walk from work! And I am absolutely hopeless in the mornings.

– Not an issue, Peter shrugged. I never bought a flat; renting was just simpler. I couldve bought something, but I never knew where or what.

Id rather let you decide. Youre my wife! Wherever you want, thats what well get!

– I always dreamed of living in the countryside, said Alice. But who knows if my boss would let me work remotely? Its not the done thing at my office. Even during lockdown, they marched us in!

– Well, just lay it out for them: either they let you work from home, or you’ll hop to the competition, Peter smiled. Or we could start our own firm and compete!

– Let me try talking it out first, Alice grinned.

– I do have a house in the country, Peter said. Although

All Andrew had asked before he skipped town:

– Pete, Kates got relatives if any come by needing a place while they sort things out, dont turn them away. Let them stay. Theyre decent folk, but dont let them take the mick!

– Where am I supposed to put them? In hotels? Peter said, aghast.

– Oh! I bought a house last year, but we never used it! Now thats in your name too! Andrew gave a wave, and was gone, off to the Lakes with his family.

– Theres a few of Kates lot bunking there, but its a big old place, loads of space. Even a guest house in the garden! I doubt well get in each others way!

When Alice moved to Peter’s country house, she had no idea just how many guests she’d inherit. She was greeted by a veritable crowd, positively terrifying.

But everyone was smiling, pleased to see her, ever so eager to help.

In a month, Alice had learned a dozen tragic tales about why each guest had fetched up at their door.

Someone was divorcing and sorting out the house. Someone else escaped an awful husband. Some were thrown out by grown-up children, some left dodgy marriages, several were just unlucky with housing or got fleeced by conmen. One was there because his flat was being renovated. Some were studying, some had nowhere else to go.

They came in all ages, professions, and intellectual capacities. There was even a professor whose student had run off with him and then chucked him out; now he was waiting to sell up before he could move on.

All in all, the house was cheerful enough.

Still, Alice had to work, and ran into one particularly tricky client grumpy for the sake of it. Hearing this, Henry Thompson, passing by, listened in and then inserted his face confidently into her laptop camera:

– With all respect, my good sir, your suggestions make you sound like someone who hasnt the faintest idea. This young lady’s work is top-notch youll be happy living there! If you override her designs, and your house falls apart like a deck of cards, dont come crying to us!

The client surrendered. When Alice closed her laptop, she asked Henry how he knew all this.

– My dear, I was an architect for thirty-six years, he smiled. Pop by if you want to swap tips!

However handy Henrys advice, the constant bustle and crowd still left Alice somewhat exasperated. This was not her bucolic dream.

It was more a scene from Glastonbury in her living room.

***

– Love, if you prefer, we can go back to the city, said Peter, but youre missing the best bit about our guests.

– Oh? Whats that supposed to be? Alice raised an eyebrow.

– You were upset the guesthouse burned down. But do you realise its already rebuilt? Peter grinned. And guess what it cost?

– Quite a lot, I expect, said Alice, not sounding convinced.

– Nothing! Peter made an ‘O’ with his hand. They all chipped in, paid for everything, built it with their own hands!

Alices eyes were as wide as dinner plates.

– They also cover all the utilities for us and the rest of the house. They shop, cook, clean, and fix anything that breaks in short, were living rent-free in our own home!

Some work full-time, some pick up odd jobs, and the advice we get around the breakfast table is worth its weight in gold.

Youve got every profession here engineers, accountants, lawyers, economists, plumbers, electricians, and even that professor of biology!

– And an architect, added Alice, thinking of Henrys helpful tips.

His secrets proved gold dust for Alices own work.

– I doubled my companys profits recently, just based on one guests advice! Peter said. I might as well put them all on payroll!

And you know what the funniest bit is? Peter carried on, laughing They dont ask for a thing! They just live here, like one big, slightly bonkers family!

At that very moment, a ball soared through the kitchen window, shattering glass everywhere. Right behind it, young Tony dashed in:

– Johns already legged it into town for new glass! Dont worry, itll be better than before in two hours! And, er, sorry! he grabbed the ball and bolted out.

– Thats life for you, Peter said, smiling.

– I suppose Ill get used to it, Alice said, a little dazed.

And a month later, she really had. She didnt even think of them as guests anymore just as family, in the biggest, oddest, happiest sense.