As She Left the Hospital, Alena Bumped into a Man at the Door

As I left St. Marys Hospital, I ran into a man at the front door.

Sorry, he muttered, lingering on me with his eyes for a moment. But then his expression turned condescending, almost scornful, and he promptly turned away, dismissing me from his attention as if I had never existed.

How many times had I, Eleanor, felt that familiar sting? When a tall, slender girl walked by, mens eyes would gleam with interesthungry, admiringeven if they tried to hide it. Towards me, their looks would be bored at best, sometimes outright disdainful. It hurt, more than words could express, but what fault was there in being born the way I was?

As a little girl, everyone found my chubby cheeks and round limbs endearing. At school, for PE, I always stood first in line among the girls thanks to my size. The other children called me names: Fatty, Piglet, Pumpkin. That was the gentle end of thingsit only got worse, but the worst names I preferred not to remember. Children, as everyone knows, can be cruel. The teachers surely saw the torment, but turned away, doing nothing.

I tried diet after diet, but I was always hungry and gave up. Any pounds shed found their way straight back. My face was sweet enough, but my figure always overshadowed it.

I had once dreamed of becoming a teacher, but gave it up, dreading the idea that the children might taunt me behind my back. Instead, I trained as a nurse. After all, when people are suffering, they care little for appearanceswhat matters is relief from pain.

There were no boys in my training group, and the other girls were lost in their own pursuitsfalling in love, planning weddings. I was always alone. The other girls loved to have me sit in the front row so they could duck behind my back, avoiding the tutors sharp gaze.

Sometimes, Id pass a dress shop and gaze at the beautiful gowns in the display, knowing theyd never be mine. I wore loose jumpers and wide skirts, hiding my shape as best I could. My work was excellentmy injections were said to be the gentlest and neatest. I suppose thats why the elderly patients were so fond of me.

One time, the girls dragged me ice skating. Teen boys shouted crude jokes as I skated past. Watch out, shes headed for the butchers! they laughed. My cheeks burned with humiliation, and I wanted to cry.

My mother tried to arrange introductions with the sons of her friends. I even agreed to a couple of dates. One lad took one look at me and, pretending he was waiting for someone else, turned away. Another tried to paw me before wed even introduced ourselves. I shoved him, and he toppled backwards into a puddle. Why act up? Im doing you a favour. Whod want someone like you? he yelled as I left. I swore off dating after that, preferring silence to humiliation.

On my social page, I chose an avatar of Fiona from Shrek. When one chap inquired in the comments what I actually looked like, I told him I resembled Fionajust not green. He thought I was joking. You must be trying to ward off unwelcome suitors with that, he wrote, and suggested we meet. I ended the conversation.

One afternoon, a little boy of about six years old dashed into me in the ward corridor.

Where are you off to? There are poorly people here, you know. You mustnt make so much noise, I scolded gently, catching him by the wrist.

I wanted to slide on the linoleum, he confessed, earnest.

And who are you here with?

My dad. Weve come to see Gran. Wheres the toilet, please? he asked.

Come along, Ill show you, I said, leading him to the end of the corridor. Can you manage on your own?

He gave me a haughty little look. I didnt mind, coming from a child.

Soon I heard the flush, and he emerged, ready for the next adventure.

Now, show me which room your gran is in, I smiled.

He sighed, then shuffled along with me, stopping outside a door. He pulled a serious face, finger to his lips in a conspiratorial hush.

This one, I think. He indicated the fourth door.

You only think so? Did you even look at the number? Or cant you read numbers yet? I teased, for that was the mens ward.

I know plenty, Im not little! I even know my letters. Theres Grans room. He pointed to the door with a great big black five on it.

You cheeky rascal, I feigned sternness.

He giggled mischievously. Whats your name?

Elijah, he managed before the fifth door swung open and a tall, kind-looking man appeared.

Elijah, what took you so long? he scolded, then caught sight of me. His glance briefly appraised me, then he dismissed me just as quickly. Was he misbehaving? the man asked.

How many times had I seen those cold, indifferent stares from men?

He wasnt misbehaving. Please dont scold him, I said gently, and walked away.

Come along, say goodbye to Granny, its time to go, I heard the man say behind me.

The next day, Elijah and his father visited again. The man walked past me without so much as a glance. I stuck my tongue out after him, just as Elijah turned, grinned broadly, and gave me a thumbs-up. I waved in return, unable to stop smiling.

After the midday rest, I checked in on Mrs. Anne Carter in bed five.

Youre looking well today, Mrs. Carter. Did your grandson come to visit? I asked as I took her temperature.

You saw him then? Hes a wonderful boy, isnt he? Oh, Eleanor, I so want to live and see what sort of man he becomes.

Dont talk of dying yet, youll still rock great-grandchildren on your knee, I said brightly.

If only. My heart aches for him. Hes growing up without a mother, she sighed.

His mother?

Shes alive, yesran off and left him behind with us.

You said her son…?

Elijahs not my own grandson, but we love him as if he were. My son married a beauty, and after the wedding she admitted she had a child. Should have known, a marriage starting on a lie My poor husband nearly had a heart attack from the shock, and now its me in the hospital.

Two years ago, Ilyas mother was offered a position abroad, modelling. The boy was in her way, so she left him behind. Women my son meets are always of that sortbeautiful, self-absorbed. Elijah wants nothing to do with them.

All that day, Mrs. Carter’s tale stayed with me. Later, I found her dabbing her eyes with a tissue when I came in with her injection.

You mustnt worry, Mrs Carter. Remember what the doctor said, I reminded her firmly.

Im not crying. Here, look. She handed me a sheet of paper with a childs drawing: a boy holding the hands of a woman and a man. It was clear Elijah saw them as his parents.

Elijah is looking for a mother. I think he drew you, Eleanor, Mrs. Carter said softly.

Oh no, thats his mum, surely, I replied at once.

He couldnt possibly remember hershe was slender. The woman in the drawing is larger, even taller than the father. Its you, no question. Have a look yourself. She sniffled again.

Indeed, the mother was much bigger than the father. Even the child sees how large I am, I told myself. Someone as handsome as Elijahs father could never take a liking to me. I mustnt get silly ideas. Hes not for me.

After that, every time I visited Mrs. Carter for her medication, wed exchange a few words. Next time Elijah visited, he came straight over.

Hello. Do you have safe hands? he asked solemnly.

I hope so, I answered, unsure.

Granny says shes in safe hands, said Elijah with a cunning look. Shell come home soon, wont she? And its my birthday in a week, he added in a rush.

Im sure Granny will be home in time. And how old will you be?

Six! he announced proudly. Id like you to come to my party.

Thank you, Id love that, but youll have to ask your dad first, I smiled.

I will! He dashed to the ward.

I didnt see them leave. The next day, Elijah and his father were waiting by the nurses station.

Dad, you promised, Elijah tugged at his sleeve as I approached.

I remember. The man glanced at me. Im inviting you to Elijahs sixth birthday party. Heres our address and phone number. Its at one oclock this Saturday, if youre free.

Your details are all on our records, I blushed. But I havent any other plans for the weekend.

If you dont come, Elijah will be disappointedand you know Mums not supposed to have any undue upset, he said, referencing Mrs. Carter.

A whole week! I need to lose a bit more weight, whatever it takes, I thought anxiously as I walked away.

That evening, I told Mum about Elijahs invitation.

Go, love. Boys see more than grown men doperhaps it will come to something with his father too? Dont be cross. The boy is looking for a mum.

His father doesnt even see me, I said, not hiding my despair.

Oh, dont be silly. Feelings arent all that matterif they were hed have picked another fashion model long ago.

Saturday morning, I styled my hair, picked out a decent dress, put a hint of mascara on. I scrutinised my reflection, grimacing. Makeup or not, clothes or not, nothing could make me thinner.

Id bought Elijahs birthday present the day Id been invited. Hes expecting meso I must go, I sighed and left the flat.

No sooner had I rung the doorbell than the lock clicked open, and my heart hammered.

Ellys here! Elijah greeted me, wrapping his arms around my waist as best he could.

I ruffled his cropped hair and handed him the brightly wrapped presenthis eyes shone with delight.

Inside, a table was laid with cakes and sandwiches. Ivan, the father, sat there, a chic blonde woman beside him, and an elderly gentElijahs grandfather, I reckonedon the other side.

The blonde, with her models poise, raised a pencilled eyebrow as I came in, sweeping me from head to foot with a cool stare.

Everyone, this is Eleanor, my saviour, Mrs. Carter introduced. Boris, my husbandand you know the birthday boy, she said pointedly, with a chilly glance at the blonde. And this is Ivans acquaintance, Sophie.

Sophie the blonde arched her eyebrow higher, unimpressed. Mrs. Carter, in her hurry to serve salad, brushed her elbow and knocked over a wine glass. The red wine splashed across Sophies legs. She jumped up, and her chair toppled with a crash. In the chaos, Sophie gathered her things and left, barely accepting apologies. No one tried to stop her. I too edged towards the door.

Please dont take offence, but Ivan began.

You didnt spill anything on me, did you? Why should I be cross? I replied. But I really should go.

Mums made her special apple pie. Please, dont leave her disappointed. Afterwards, Ill drive you home.

We drove in silence.

You didnt have to see me home, I said at last.

Mum would never forgive me if I didnt. Funny how often we seem to bump into each other latelywouldnt surprise me if she hoped to see us wed.

I dont love you. Nor do you love me. I wouldnt marry you, Ivan, I answered, though my voice shook. You wont have to worry about seeing me again.

We stopped outside my house. I reached for the door, but it was still locked.

Please, open it, I said sharply.

He leaned in and kissed me. I shoved him away.

What is this? Have you tired of blonde beauties? Decided a change would be amusing, perhaps? Or am I supposed to be grateful for your attention? I snapped, fighting tears.

He stared, surprised at my fierceness, perhaps seeing me properly for the first time. Id never felt so alive. Blond beauties always carried themselves like they were untouchablenever daring, never warm.

Im sorry. Truly. I dont even know why I did that. I didnt mean to offend youI thought you felt He trailed off.

Yes. No mans ever kissed me unless it’s been a joke or to do me a favour. They always look at me with pity or disgust, never wanting to see who I really am! I cried and climbed out, slamming the door behind me.

It turned chilly at the end of August. The wind and rain stripped the trees bare. Three weeks had passed since Elijahs birthday. Id not seen Ivan at all.

After work, I was peeling off my sodden boots when Mum called from the hallway.

A gentleman came to see youhandsome, a bit anxious. Left a message that you should ring him.

I hurried to the kitchen and dialled.

It was me, yes, Ivan answered. Elijahs ill. Could you come? The doctors prescribed a course of injections

Ill be right over! I gathered my bag, wishing Id thought to ask if they had medicine in stock. I stopped at the chemists along the way.

Elijah greeted me with relief. His forehead was damp with sweat, but his temperature had gone down. I washed my hands and prepared his medicine.

Do you remember I have safe hands? I smiled, catching the nervous flicker in his eyes.

He screwed his eyes tight shut, then beamed when it was done: It didnt even hurtmuch!

All the while, Ivan watched me, not averting his gaze the way he had before. I blushed, unable to meet his eyes, but joy fluttered in my chest.

Once again, Ivan insisted on driving me home.

Eleanor, would you join me for a coffee? We never did get a real conversation, he asked.

Are you doing this for Elijahs sake? Dont. If youre kind to me Ill start hoping, but I know you can never really love me. Im well, Im just too big.

Oh, enough of that. Youre warm, gentle, and kindchildren see what adults miss, and Elijah adores you. So do I. I really believe we could build something lasting, together.

What if Elijahs mother came back? I asked hesitantly.

She wont. She sent a letter giving up parental rightsshes remarried abroad and wants nothing more to do with him. Elijah is ours. So, will you go on a date with me?”

Yes, I replied simply, my heart lighter than it had been in years.

For everyone in this world, theres someoneyour second half, with whom even lifes storms are softer. Appearance hardly matters, but sometimes two halves miss each other, or dont recognise whats right before their eyes. Maybe its love, and only love, that lets you see the swan in the ugly duckling, the gentle spirit in the softest heart. The one and only, meant for you.