З життя
Чотири роки страждань: Як він знущався через мою вагу!
Я — Марія Лебідь, мешкаю в затишному містечку Вишгород, де ніжно плещуться хвилі Дніпра. Ніколи б не подумала, що життя перетвориться на таке жахіття. Ми розійшлися. Чотири роки і три місяці разом ми ділили все — радість, сльози, надії. А тепер я одна, і серце моє розбите вщент. Ви скажете: «Ну і що? Люди розходяться кожного дня». Так, це правда, але його зрада не має прощення — вона, наче ніж у спину, який він встромив із посмішкою.
Наші стосунки виглядали майже ідеально. Сварки були, звісно, але до гучних скандалів справа не доходила. Ми жили в гармонії, поки доля не нанесла удар. Особиста трагедія змусила мене набирати вагу. Я ніколи не була моделлю з обкладинки, але моя фігура була стрункою та охайною. Та коли кілограми почали додаватися, мій хлопець — нині вже колишній, Іван, — перетворився на мого ката. Він почав глузувати з мене, принижувати, наче я стала для нього пустим місцем.
Він не соромився насміхатися наді мною перед іншими. Пригадую, як на вечірці з друзями, де всі були у піднесеному настрої, він голосно жартував про мої «жири», вказував пальцем на боки, а компанія сміялася. Його нетверезі виправдання не полегшували болю — я почувалася роздавленою, жалюгідною. Останні місяці я плакала більше, ніж раділа життю. І хоча він знав, через яке пекло я проходжу, знав кожну деталь моєї трагедії, все одно топтав мене, наче сміття під ногами. Кожний його удар робив мою ситуацію ще важчою, ще нестерпнішою.
Одного ранку я не витримала. Горло передавило від образи, сльози душили, і я вигукнула: «Іди!» Він навіть не зморгнув — наче чекав на цей момент. Зібрав речі, грюкнув дверима і зник. Після чотирьох років залишив мене одну — корчитися в агонії, потопати в своїх труднощах. Я лишилася з порожнечею в душі та питаннями без відповіді. Можливо, у нього була інша? Нічого явного не помічала, жодних слідів зради — ані дзвінків, ані таємних зустрічей. Та чи не знайшов уже він собі іншу — струнку, красиву, не таку, як я, що набрала вагу і була зломлена?
Я не шукаю порад, не чекаю жалю. Просто виливаю цей біль, що пече мене, наче розпечене залізо. Іван знищив не лише мою любов, але й віру в себе. Кожний його колючий погляд, кожне слово про мої кілограми врізалися в пам’ять, наче шрами. Я не забуду, як він сміявся наді мною перед чужими, як дивився з презирством, наче я перестала бути жінкою в його очах. Він знав, що я борюся зі своїми демонами, але замість підтримки втаптував мене ще глибше в землю. І пішов, не оглянувшись, залишивши мене в цьому пеклі.
Іноді я уявляю його з іншою — з тією, що легка, з тонкою талією і дзвінким сміхом. Можливо, він давно мріяв про таку, поки я товстіла від стресу і сліз? Ця думка гризе мене ночами, але я не хочу знати правду — вона тільки сильніше роздавить. Чотири роки я віддавала йому все — любов, тепло, душу, — а він витер об мене ноги і пішов до нового життя. Я залишилася сама, з зайвою вагою, з вантажем образ, з відчуттям, що не гідна навіть краплі щастя.
Але я витримаю. Знаю, що зможу пережити й це. Скрізь сльози, скрізь біль я знайду в собі сили піднятися. Кожного дня я дивлюся у дзеркало і ненавиджу відображення — не через кілограми, а через те, що дозволила йому так мене зламати. Він пішов, а я залишилася боротися — з собою, з минулим, з його голосом в голові, що досі шепоче: «Ти нічого не варта». Я молюся лише про одне: хай цей жах закінчиться швидше. Хай рани заживуть, хай я знову відчую себе живою. Я не прощу його, але я переживу його зраду — заради себе.”
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