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Don’t Unpack Your Suitcase—You’re Moving Out Tonight: How Lev Discovered His Wife’s New Year’s Double Life with “Honey-Bunny” Vady and Why Father Christmas Had the Last Word
Dont bother unpacking your suitcase youre leaving
2nd January
Something shifted tonight. Ellie stormed in with that familiar drill-sergeant energy of hers, demanding, Whats going on, then? I was sprawled out on the settee, and I couldnt even muster the energy to stand up when she marched in.
Its whats not going on, Ellie, love. Youre moving out, thats what. So dont even think about unpacking were getting a divorce and youre leaving tonight! I answered, oddly formal. She blinked, clearly thrown by the suddenness of it all. I wonder if she thought shed misheard me, or maybe she was just floored by my use of love shes only ever heard that from one other person.
Earlier, Ellie and our mutual friend Sophie had been having one of their cheerful banters about costumes for Sophies events firm Sophie manages parties and themed dos. The holiday bookings were in full swing, but they were thrown off when the lad who usually played the rabbit in their Christmas acts was laid up sick. Suddenly, there was a panic in their groups line-up. Just get someone else to wear the rabbit suit! the boss had declared. Sophie rang me in a flurry.
Lev, would you mind playing Father Christmas this year? Victor will dress as the rabbit hes the right size for it! And you know most of the script its just a bit of improv anyway. Come on, youre not bad with children. I wasnt keen, but Sophies always been the kind of friend who gets you to say yes to things youd have never dreamt of.
To be honest, I really had nowhere else to be. My wife, Ellie, had upped and left for her mums in Norwich again and I was set for the dreariest New Years Eve on my own. Her mums health had taken another dip, apparently, so Ellie had dashed off to care for her. For the third time in two months, shed packed her suitcase and left. You understand, darling, I cant leave Mum on her own in that state! shed told me, stuffing her jumpers into that battered blue case. Why dont I come too? Id offered, and was met with, Darling, dont spoil your New Years just because minell be a write-off.
Truthfully, by the time Sophie phoned with an offer of paid work at her party agency, I just wanted to shake off this miserable air. Even though my job as a data analyst paid decently (Ellie hadn’t needed to work in years), the extra cash wasn’t what swayed it I just couldnt stay in moping. So, I pulled on the Santa coat, popped on the boots and the glued-on beard, and trotted out with them to spread cheer to other peoples children.
The gig was easier than Id imagined, actually. The rabbit a thirty-five-year-old Victor in a fluffy suit and dangling carrot hopped round the tree while the children cheered, and Sophie in her sparkly Snow Maiden dress led a conga line. I even managed to forget my own troubles for a moment.
The last appearance was scheduled for 10 PM, 31st December. Afterwards, Sophie kindly invited me to hers for New Years her mother knew me well from school days, and Sophie (now twenty-five and married) didnt have kids of her own yet. It sounded a much better prospect than an empty house, but first, we bundled into the car to the final address. Victor even had a cheeky little drink his first time ever as Father Christmas.
At a quarter to ten, before we went in, I called Ellie. How are you, love? I heard TV in the background. Holding up Mums just nodded off. Dont want to wake her. Im thinking of you. Ill ring at midnight, I promised. You look after yourself, sweetie. Love you, she replied. Love you too, honey, I said back. I hung up, not knowing what would unfold next.
The last houses door swung open and I felt my stomach turn. There she was Ellie! Standing in her best dress and heels, not in Norwich at all, but several streets away, hosting some party. My mind reeled. Hadnt she left on the train two days ago? Id ordered her taxi myself. Maybe it wasnt her, maybe she had a twin. But no the tiny mole above her eyebrow was unmistakable.
My feet felt glued to the doormat as another voice yelled, Bunny! You coming or what? and a bald, heavyset bloke wandered out, pink-faced and grinning tipsily.
Sophie tried to lighten things. Wheres your little one, then? Were here for the show!
Im the kid! the man guffawed, slapping his belly. Treating myself to a party tonight!
Watching Ellie, champagne glass in hand, shrieking with laughter at his side it became all too clear. That was the honey shed been talking to, and the Mum she cared for so diligently was nowhere in sight. It all snapped into focus: the suspicious gifts, the secretive trips. Id been absolutely, stupidly stitched up.
I considered blowing up then and there, but shame held me back, especially in front of Sophie. So, I forced myself into character and bellowed, Recite us a poem then, lad! It all felt surreal Ellie barely registered me through the drunken blur, and her friend muttered some daft rhyme, while Victor the rabbit and Sophie did a ridiculous ring-dance round the living room with them.
I filmed it all on my phone. Proof. Ellies lies collapsing under the weight of her wild New Years knees-up.
Once the host had had enough, he herded us to the door. Thats enough goodnight! Ellie escorted us out, tottering on her heels. Sophie muttered as we walked back to the car, Strange, isnt it? Pretty girl like that, how does she end up with that slob? I wanted to howl that she was my wife, but I bit my tongue.
There was no way I could face Sophie and her family after that. I feigned illness Probably coming down with something and headed back home to an empty flat. Midnight passed. I didnt phone Ellie. And I never did after that, not even out of habit or loneliness. Let her dance with her bunny.
I saw in the New Year alone but, in a way, I needed that cold silence to really think. I loved Ellie. I probably always will, stubbornly. But the scales fell then: love is one thing, and living in a mire of lies is quite another. No more. The flat is in my name.
Ellie, suspicious at my silence (itd been two days with no Hows your mum? or Did you eat? texts), dragged herself back from Norwich on the 2nd, taking a cab as I never replied to her messages. She burst in with her old authority, demanding what was going on. I didnt even stand up.
Its over, love. Dont unpack. Were divorcing, and youre moving out tonight. She wavered, attempting to bluff her way through. And just where am I supposed to go? she barked. Dont know your bunny or your mums. By the way, is she feeling better now? I couldnt help but smirk.
Youve got this all wrong, Ellie whispered, but she knew shed been rumbled. She faltered, checking her phone reflexively, trying to work out where her story had failed. Shed even told her mother not to answer calls till the 4th, and that bloke never could have let it slip
Go on then explain it. Maybe that bald fellas a doctor, there to look after your dear mums migraines? Or perhaps a hired companion, paid (by me, as always) to mop her brow while youre out reciting poetry? I couldnt help myself, turning ironic. Or maybe an undertaker, because you wanted to be prepared, you dutiful daughter. I almost applauded her for her audacity. No need for shyness, Ellie you werent shy about dancing around in front of everyone, were you?
I showed her the video. She watched, silent and pale.
Theres nothing more to say, really. Shed had an affair why? Honestly, probably because she was bored, and her bunny bought her shiny things. Work? Three cheers for that; shed never been interested. Shed kept it secret, not because of love, but perhaps more because she didnt want to lose the comfort of my roof.
If shed just been honest, said shed fallen for someone else, it wouldve hurt but at least there would have been some truth to hold onto. If shed confessed to a one-off, I might even have forgiven her; Im soft like that. But all those lies, the months of deceit over her mum? Unforgiveable. It felt like a slow-motion mugging.
She cried, she pleaded, she tried every trick but I was done. Divorce, no question. And the flat is mine.
Looking back, maybe I should have made a scene that New Years Eve stirred the pot, got a bit of drama for good measure. Why keep up all the polite pretence? In the end, this was clean enough. Sometimes, you realise too late that all those little hesitations and good manners wont save you from being made the fool.
Still, perhaps its better this way. At least its done. I suppose, for now, thats enough.
