Escaping the Captivity of Emotions

Dear Diary,

Back in Year Nine, I first noticed how Ian would always seem to find me with his gaze. Even in class I could feel his eyes drilling into the back of my head; every time he turned, our eyes met for a heartbeat.

Dian, love, giggled my best friend Rita, that Ian cant take his eyes off you. Ive been watching him too.
I smiled and admitted, I feel it too, as if his dark eyes are boring right through me, while secretly delighting in the attention.

One afternoon, after school, Ian waited for me on the schools steps. He looked nervous, his voice shaking a little as he asked, Diana, can I walk you home?
I hesitated, but Rita gave me a friendly nudge, and I agreed.

Fine, were heading the same way, I said, trying to sound indifferent.
As we walked, Ian chatted, we laughed, and my heart leapt. That was the beginning of a friendship that soon blossomed into schoolyard romance. Within weeks the whole school knew we were together. Ian stuck by my side and would quickly brush off anyone from other forms who tried to talk to me.

Even from the first day of primary school, Mrs. Helen could not help but remark, Goodness, Diana, you have the prettiest eyes! Ive always been a fairly pretty girl.

As we neared the end of our school years, Ian and I decided to apply to the same university. We passed the entrance exams with flying colours, attended the graduation ceremony, and said goodbye to school, hello to adult life. After the exams Ian suggested, Diana, why dont you come to my cottage tomorrow? We could stay the night and celebrate how well we did.

I sensed Ian becoming more insistent about getting closer, and I tried to pull back. He took it as a slight.

Were adults now, Diana. Forget your principles. Eventually it will happen Youve read Romeo and Juliet, havent you? They were younger than us and no one condemned them. Everyone admired their love, he coaxed.

I listened in silence, halfagreeing, but fear gnawed at me. I didnt want to lose Ian, whom Id grown so used to. He grew angry, Come on, Diana, just say yes!

I replied, Im not sure; maybe Mum wont let me stay over.
He snapped, Just say my parents will be there. Cant you think of that?

Getting permission from Mum was a battle. She stared at me, What are you thinking? I wont let you go. I know youll get into trouble and Ill have to clean up after you.
I lied, Ians parents and his older sister will be there, Mum. She stared a moment, then waved it off. Fine, go. I cant keep an eye on you all the time. Its a bit improper for a girl to go to a boys cottage, but

Ian and I held hands on the bus all the way. I was nervous; he seemed pensive too. When we arrived, he led me by the hand into a sitting room where a sofa was already laid out. I tried to pull my hand away.

Dont worry, he whispered softly, pulling me onto the sofa.

The room was bright, and he drew the curtains, then lunged at me. I shoved him away with all my strength, leapt from the sofa, and bolted out of the cottage, sprinting toward the bus stop. No bus was there, but Ian appeared, Ill see you off. Dont say a word; I dont want to hear any of your excuses.

At the graduation party he stayed away from me; Rita kept asking, but I stayed silent. He never called afterward. A week later, swallowing my pride, I called him. His sister answered, Ians moved to London to study. I thought youd know

Twenty years have passed since then. I married Oliver, we have a daughter, Lily. Ian drifts into my thoughts now and then. He never calls, we never meet, but he visits my dreams.

Last night he appeared again, our hands clasped, walking through a field of daisies beside a river that sparkled in the sun. I smiled; he looked at me sadly, as if saying goodbye, then let go of my hand and vanished.

I woke up, glanced at Oliver, and sighed with relief. He sleeps like a log, I thought. He loves his long naps.

I wasnt ready to get up, but the early hour nudged me toward the bathroom. I peeked into Lilys room; she slept peacefully, her light hair fanned across the pillow. Standing under the shower I wondered, Why does Ian keep showing up in my dreams? After each one I feel offbalance, a twinge of melancholy, and I can be petty with Oliver perhaps I shouldnt have married him? Our life is tidy, predictable, no passion, no romancejust a routine that runs like clockwork.

I made breakfast, intending to wake Oliver, but he slid out of the bedroom on his own. We ate together while Lily enjoyed her summer holidays. Suddenly the phone rang. Dian, hi! chirped Rita, Sorry to call early, but Ive got news! Our class is reuniting for the twentyyear reunion. Its this Saturday. I had missed the previous two gatherings.

Rita, youre still the classs chief organiser, I laughed. When?

Next Saturday.
Saturday? Oliver and I were planning a weekend at his familys cottage

Never mind, you can cancel if you want, Rita said firmly. Youve already missed two, dont make a fuss or well all come to you!

I chuckled, Youre scary. Wheres it happening? A restaurant?

Nowhere near a restaurant, she replied with a grin, Were celebrating at Ians place.

A flash of memory hit me: Ian had been in my dreams again.

Can you imagine? Ian built a massive twostorey house and invited us all over.

Is his wife okay? Or will she mind? I asked, having no idea about his current life.

His wifes off in Turkey with their son. People do what they can, Rita said, a hint of envy in her voice. Im divorced, but you have to come.

Alright, Ill be there. Just give me the address, I said. Olivers at work; hell be out the door soon enough.

Oliver muttered as I left, Those classmates are relentless. What havent you seen?

I havent seen anything, I replied. Im not asking permission; Im just telling you whats happening. We sit at home, do the same chores, laundry, cooking sometimes I feel like a servant.

He smiled, trying to be diplomatic, Well, servant or not, feel free to buy yourself a new dress.

Thanks, I will, I said, already picturing a fresh outfit.

The night before the reunion I lay awake, the weight of two decades pressing on me. How quickly time flies.

The next day, I stepped out of the taxi, pressed the buzzer at the gates of Ians estate, and the door swung open. Ian stood theretall, handsome, impeccably dressed.

Welcome, dear guest, his velvety voice said, and I felt a shiver. Come in, or are you still the shy one? he teased.

Hey, I replied, walking into the courtyard. He embraced me and planted a kiss on my cheek.

You look amazing, he cooed. Even more beautiful than I remembered.

His dark eyes made me blush; I lowered my head and followed him toward the house. He took my hand, and we entered together.

Rita burst out, shouting, Diana! and threw her arms around me.

People mingled, laughing, catching up on families and children. Music played, and Ian asked me to dance.

Hows life? I asked.

Fine, he answered. I see the world differently now. Business is booming, Im expanding, lots on my plate.

As the evening wound down, guests began to leave. Ian stopped me.

Stay a bit, help me with a few things, he said, gesturing toward the kitchen.

Im not sure, I said, uneasy.

Rita chimed in, Someone has to help!

I sighed, Alright.

When everyone had gone, Ian took my hands again.

The dishes were just a pretext, so youd stay, he said.

Why? I asked, nervous.

I dont know, he murmured, rubbing his cheek against mine. Seeing you reminded me how much Ive missed you all these years.

His lips brushed my neck. Youre different, youre fresh He stripped his jacket and shoved me onto the sofa. You know, Ive had enough of my wife, the shallow women who only want money. Youre different, youre beautiful

I felt as if Id been scalded. Shallow women! Im not some plaything. I would never betray Oliver.

I sprang up, shoved him away, and bolted out of the house. I reached the gate, and my phone rangOlivers voice.

Sweetheart, on your way? he asked.

No, love, Ive called a taxi. Ill be home soon, I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. Thank you, dear. Youre my favorite.

He laughed, Cant wait.

In the taxi, Ians angry voice crackled, Youre just as foolish as ever, you gorgeous fool! I slammed the door shut, and the cab sped away. I thought, Let him stew in his bitterness. Let his house stay cold. I finally broke free from his grip, forever.