I Grew Up Trying Not to Disappoint My Mum – And Without Realising, I Started Losing My Marriage

I grow up always trying not to disappoint my mum and somewhere along the way, I start losing my marriage.

My mother always seems to know what’s best. Or at least, thats how it feels. Even as a child, I learn to read her moods in the sound of her voice, the way she closes a door, the silence in the house. If shes happy, everythings fine. If shes not well, that must mean Ive done something wrong.

I dont ask for much, she always says. Just dont let me down. That just weighs more than any rule or restriction.

When I grow up and marry, I truly believe, at last, my life is finally my own. My husband is an easy-going, patient man. Hes not one for arguments. At first, my mother rather likes him. But then she starts to have opinions about everything.

Why are you home so late?
Dont you think youre working too much?
He doesnt help you enough, does he?

At first I laugh it off. I tell my husband she only fusses because she cares. Then I start explaining myself to her. And then I start changing what I do to keep her happy.

Without even noticing, I begin to live by two voices. One is my husbands gentle, sensible, wanting closeness. The other is my mothers always confident, always demanding.

Whenever my husband wants us to go away together, my mum comes down with some illness. Whenever we plan something, she suddenly needs me. When he says he misses me, I only ever reply, Try to understand, I cant leave her. And he does, for a long time.

But then one evening, he says something that shakes me far more than any row ever could.

I feel like Im the third person in this marriage.

I snap at him. Defend her. Defend myself. Tell him hes being dramatic. Say hes not being fair, expecting me to choose.

But the truth is, I already have chosen I just havent admitted it.

We stop talking. We fall asleep turned away from each other. Our conversations shrink down to the bare basics of everyday life, never about us. Whenever we argue, my mother always knows.

I told you, she repeats, men are all the same.

And out of habit, I believe her.

Until one day, I come home and hes just gone.

He hasnt stormed out. Hes left his keys and a simple note behind:

I love you, but I dont know how to live with your mother always between us.

I sit down on the bed and for the first time, I have no idea who to turn to my mother, or him.

I ring my mum.

Well, what did you expect? she says briskly. I always told you…

And something inside me breaks.

I realise Ive spent my whole life so afraid of letting one person down that Ive lost another, who only ever wanted me to be there.

I dont blame my mum entirely. Shes loved me the only way she knows how.

But Im the one who never set any boundaries. Im the one who confused duty with love.

Now, Im having to learn something I shouldve learned long ago that being someones child doesnt mean staying a child forever. And that a marriage cant survive when theres always a third voice in it.

Has it ever happened to you that you had to choose between not letting a parent down, and holding on to your own family?