З життя
Я прийняла стареньку матір, але тепер шкодую, бо повернути назад її не можу, і соромлюсь перед друзями.
Взяла я до себе стареньку матір. Тепер шкодую про це, а повернути її назад не можу. І соромно перед знайомими.
Сьогодні хочу викласти на папір свою історію, таку особисту, таку важку, що вона тисне на мене, як камінь на серце. Мені потрібна порада — мудра, виважена, щоб зрозуміти, як вибратися з цього болота, в яке я сама себе загнала.
У кожного з нас свої проблеми, свої випробування. Ми повинні вчитися не засуджувати інших, а простягати руку допомоги, коли хтось тоне у відчаї, не бачачи виходу. Адже ніхто не застрахований від подібного — сьогодні ти судиш, а завтра сам опинишся в такій же пастці долі.
Я забрала до себе матір. Їй вже виповнилося 80, і жила вона раніше в селі під Вінницею, в старому домі з похиленою стріхою. Сама вона вже не справлялася — здоров’я почало підводити, ноги відмовляли, руки тряслися. Я бачила, як вона в’яне там одна, і вирішила перевезти її до себе в міську квартиру. Але я навіть не уявляла, який тягар беру на себе, як це різко переверне моє життя.
Спочатку все йшло гладко. Мама поселилася у мене в Києві, в моїй трикімнатній квартирі, і начебто дотримувалася порядку. Вона не втручалася в мої справи, не шуміла — сиділа у своїй кімнаті, яку я облаштувала для неї з любов’ю. Я зробила все, щоб їй було зручно: м’яке ліжко, теплий плед, маленький телевізор на столику. Виходити їй потрібно було лише у ванну, туалет та на кухню — я намагалася оточувати її комфортом. Стежила за її харчуванням, готувала лише корисне, як радили лікарі: ні краплі жиру, мінімум солі, все на пару. Ліки — дорогі, необхідні — купувала сама, на свою зарплату. Пенсія у мами — сльози, а не гроші, що з них візьмеш?
Але через кілька місяців все пішло під укіс. Мамі набридло міське життя — одноманітне, сіре, як бетонні стіни навколо. Вона почала встановлювати свої порядки, чіплятися до мене з будь-якого приводу, роздувати сварки з нічого. То я не витерла вчасно пил, то суп не так зварила, то забула купити її улюблений чай. Все було не так, все її дратувало. А потім почалися маніпуляції — вона тиснула на жалість, театрально зітхала, повторювала, що в селі їй жилося краще, ніж в моїй «в’язниці». Її слова різали мене, як ніж, але я терпіла, стискала зуби, старалась не відповідати на провокації.
Моя витримка рвалася по швах. Я втомилася від нескінченних докорів, від криків, від її вічного невдоволення. Дійшло до того, що я почала заглушати нерви заспокійливими, а після роботи стою біля під’їзду, не в силах змусити себе піднятися додому. Там, за дверима, мене чекає не затишок, а поле бою, де я щодня програю. Моє життя перетворилося на кошмар, з якого немає виходу.
Повернути маму в село? Це не варіант. Вона там не виживе — дім напіврозвалений, ні тепла, ні умов. Та й як я її відправлю, залишивши на волю долі? А що скажуть знайомі? Вже бачу їх осудливі погляди, чую шепіт за спиною: «Дочка, а матір покинула… Який сором!» Мені соромно навіть думати про це, соромно перед людьми, перед собою. Але сил моїх більше немає.
Ситуація — як тугий вузол, який я не можу розв’язати. Я вимотана, спустошена, розгублена. Як жити з нею під одним дахом? Як справлятися з її впертістю, з цією стіною претензій і образ? Як утихомирити її, не втративши себе? Я в глухому куті, і кожен день занурююся все глибше в цю безнадію.
Бували у вас такі історії? Як ви уживалися зі старенькими, чиї характери — як гострі камені, об які розбивається твоє терпіння? Як не збожеволіти, коли рідна людина стає твоїм найтяжчим випробуванням? Поділіться, прошу, — мені потрібне світло в кінці цього темного тунелю.
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The Carer for the Wife — What do you mean? — Lida thought she must have misheard. — Where am I supposed to go? Why? What for? — Oh, can we just skip the dramatics, please? — he grimaced. — What’s not clear here? There’s no one left for you to take care of. Where you go is none of my concern. — Ed, what’s wrong with you? Weren’t we planning to get married…? — That was your idea. I never said any such thing. At 32, Lida decided to turn her life around and leave her small hometown. What was left for her there? Endure her mother’s nagging? Her mother simply couldn’t stop scolding Lida about the divorce, constantly asking how she managed to “lose” her husband. Yet Vas’ka wasn’t worth a kind word—drunk and a womaniser! How did she end up marrying him all those eight years ago? Lida wasn’t at all upset about the divorce—in fact, she felt she could finally breathe again. But she argued constantly with her mum about it, and they also fought about money, which was always in short supply. So, she’d head off to the county town and land a great job there! Look at Svetka—her old school friend—she’d been married for five years to a widower. Who cares if he’s 16 years older and hardly a heartthrob, at least he has a flat and a decent income. And Lida reckoned she was just as good as Svetka! — Well, thank heavens! You’ve come to your senses! — Svetka encouraged her. — Pack your things, you can stay with us for a bit, and we’ll sort out the job situation. — Won’t your Vadim Petrovich mind? — Lida was unsure. — Don’t be silly! He does whatever I ask! Don’t worry, we’ll get by! Still, Lida didn’t want to stay long at her friend’s place. After just a couple of weeks and her first wages, she rented her own room. And just a couple of months later, she had a stroke of luck. — Why is a woman like you working in the market? — said one of her regulars, Edward Boris, with concern. Lida knew all her regulars by name by now. — It’s cold, it’s hard work—not ideal. — Gotta earn money somehow, — she shrugged, — unless you have another offer? Edward Boris wasn’t exactly a dreamboat in her eyes—twenty years older, a bit pudgy, starting to bald, and with a shrewd look in his eye. He was always particular about choosing his vegetables and paid to the penny. But he dressed well and drove a nice car—definitely not a down-and-out, not a drunk. He also had a wedding ring, so she never considered him as husband material. — You strike me as responsible, steady, and clean, — Edward Boris switched to a familiar tone, — have you ever cared for anyone who was ill? — I used to look after a neighbour, actually. She had a stroke, her children live far away, so they paid me to help. — That’s great! — he exclaimed, and then put on a somber face: — My wife, Tamara, has had a stroke too. The doctors say she has little chance of recovery. I’ve brought her home, but I haven’t got time to look after her. Will you help? I’ll pay you properly. Lida didn’t have to think long—much better to be in a warm flat changing bedpans than freezing on the market for ten hours a day serving picky customers! He even suggested she live there, so no more rent. — They’ve got three spare rooms! You could play football in there! — she delightedly told her friend. — No children either. Tamara’s mother was a real madam—even at 68, she acted half her age. She’d just remarried and was busy with her husband. No one else to care for the invalid. — Is she really that sick? — Oh yes, poor thing can’t move or speak. She won’t get better. — You almost sound happy about it, — Svetka eyed her. — Of course not, — Lida looked down, — but once Tamara’s gone, Edward Boris would be free… — Are you for real, Lida? Wishing someone dead for a flat?! — I’m not wishing anyone dead—I’m just not going to miss my chance! Easy for you to say, you’ve got it made! They had a huge fight and didn’t speak for half a year—until Lida confessed to Svetka her romance with Edward Boris. They couldn’t live without each other, but of course, he’d never leave his wife—not that type! So for now, she’d remain his lover. — So you’re shacking up with him while his wife is dying in the next room? — her friend was appalled. — Do you even see how vile that is? Or are you that blinded by his money—if he’s even got it? — Trust you to never say a kind word, — Lida retorted. They stopped talking again, but she barely felt guilty—well, perhaps just a bit. She cared for Tamara with real diligence, and since her affair with Edward Boris began, she took on all the housework too. After all, a man needs more than just a woman in his bed—he wants a good meal, crisp shirts, a clean flat. Lida thought her lover was very content, and she was enjoying her life too. She barely noticed Edward had stopped paying her for caring for his wife. Not that it mattered now—they were almost like husband and wife! He gave her money for shopping, and she managed the budget, not realising it was tight. And his job paid well enough—but never mind, once they got married it would all become clear. With time, the spark between them dulled, and Edward lingered less at home, but Lida put it down to the strain of having a sick wife. She pitied him, even though he barely spent a minute a day checking on Tamara. Even so, Lida wept when Tamara finally passed away. She’d given a year and a half of her life to that woman—you can’t get that time back. She organised the funeral too—Edward was “too grief-stricken.” He gave her the bare minimum for expenses, but she did everything properly. No one could accuse her of a thing. Even the neighbours, gossiping about her and Edward—nothing escapes them!—nodded approvingly at the funeral. His mother-in-law too seemed satisfied. So Lida never expected what Edward said next. — You understand there’s no need for your services anymore, so I’m giving you a week to move out, — he said on the tenth day after the funeral. — What do you mean? — Lida’s voice faltered. — Where should I go? Why? — Please, do we have to have this scene? — he sighed. — There’s no one left for you to care for, and where you go is none of my business. — Ed, what’s wrong with you? We were supposed to get married… — That’s your fantasy. I never said anything of the sort. Next morning, after a sleepless night, Lida tried to talk again, but he just repeated the same words and urged her to move quickly. — My fiancée wants to renovate before the wedding, — was all he said. — Fiancée? Who’s that? — None of your business. — Oh, none of my business?! Well, I’ll move out, but you’ll pay me for my work first. You were meant to pay forty grand a month. I only got paid twice. So you owe me £8,000. — You can do the sums, can’t you! — he snorted. — Don’t get carried away… — And you owe for cleaning too! I won’t nit-pick, just pay me ten grand and we’ll call it even. — Or what? You’ll go to court? There’s no contract. — I’ll tell Tamila—remember, your mother-in-law owns this flat. Edward’s face changed, but he recovered quickly. — Who’d believe you? — he huffed. — You know what? I don’t want to see you. Get out now. — You’ve got three days, darling. No ten grand, and there’ll be a scandal, — Lida replied, heading for a cheap hostel. She’d managed to save some of the housekeeping money. On the fourth day, having had no answer, Lida went back to the flat. Tamila, the mother-in-law, was there. Lida could see from Edward’s face she’d never get paid. So she told Tamila everything. — She’s making it all up! Don’t listen! — the widower protested. — Well, well, I’d heard rumours at the funeral, but I didn’t believe them — Tamila’s stare was fierce. — Now it all makes sense. And you, my dear son-in-law, don’t forget who owns this flat? Edward froze. — So, I want you out of here within the week. No—within three days. Tamila turned to leave, then paused at Lida. — And you, standing there like you expect a prize? Get out! Lida bolted from the flat, realising there’d be no money for her—not now. Back to the market again; there’d always be work there… **The Carer’s Devotion: Betrayal Behind Closed Doors in Suburban England**
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