In Search of a Mistress — “Vera, what are you doing?” gaped her husband as she handed him a pair o…

IN SEARCH OF A MISTRESS

Clare, what on earth are you doing? Tom stared bleary-eyed at his wife, who was handing him his shorts and a t-shirt.

Nothing at all. If you keep lazing about, all the mistresses will be snapped up while you dream! Clare whipped away the duvet, and a flurry of goosebumps attacked Toms defenceless body, making him shiver.

What are you on about?

After what you said last nightabout how its only a matter of time before you get yourself a mistressIve made a decision. The time has come, Tom. Its half past five: up you get! The battlefield of sin awaits.

I was only joking. We were arguingdid you forget? Im sorry, I was out of order.

No, you were right. This is my fault. Ive let the flames of our passion fizzle out. Poured all my petrol into myself alone. Now theres nothing left but cold ashes, not enough for a spark, let alone a baked potato. Time to set things right. Up you get.

Are you kicking me out?

Im pushing you inout to exercise every day until you shake off some of that Michelin bulk. Mistresses dont put up with couch-potato charms. Get up, now!

Resigned, Tom slid from the bed and clumsily pulled the shorts over his boxers to atone for his wrongdoings with some virtuous exercise.

Remind me to buy you some proper swim trunks. In those parachutes, youll be blown away from any lovers bed by the slightest draught.

After ten minutes jogging around the garden under Clares hawk-eyed supervision as coach, a half-dead Tom staggered back inside, collapsed, and started crawling towards the bed, clutching the floorboards for dear life.

And where do you think youre off to? Clare halted the pathetic display.

I just want to die quietly in my own bed.

Dyings not allowedwere after a mistress, not a coroner. Off to the shower now. Twice a day from now on. You might not have pitied me, but spare a thought for any poor woman who has to endure your natural musk. And from today, youll be brushing your teeth morning and night! came her voice from behind the door. Wash your hair well. Were off to the photo studio this afternoon.

What for?

To get a decent picture for your online dating profile. I cant do itevery time I look through a lens, all I see is a rigger, a lager guzzler, and a connoisseur of greasy fried noodles. We need to capture the real alpha male.

Clare, isnt this going a bit far?

Dont waste your words. Save them for enchanting some lovely young lady. Now, lets choose a candidate.

This brightened Tom up a bithe did quite enjoy scrolling through dating profiles for harmless daydreams, and now he could do it openly for the first time. He started pointing.

How about this one?

Youre joking, right?

Whats wrong with her?

When I see your mistress, Tom, I want to feel ashamed about myselfnot for you. Honestly, your old Fiat looked better before we sold it. She could do with a sign: Warning: Bits May Fall Off Without Notice.

Alright, this one then.

THIS? For the love ofTom, how am I meant to look our neighbours in the eye if my husbands cheating on me with just anybody? Here, look at this onenow thats a catch!

Are you mad? Shed never go for me

Oh, for goodness sake What did I ever see in a man as self-doubting as you? How have we lasted fifteen years?

My sense of humour? Tom hazarded.

Tom, lets be honest: if laughter really prolonged life, Id have been a widow by the end of our honeymoon. Lets not tempt fate. Besides, wed best go get you a proper suit and catch you a mistress the old-fashioned way.

Enough, Clare. Lets call a truce.

What argument? A mistress is the hallmark of a successful man, and to be the wife of a successful manwell, thats something too. Perhaps we shouldnt limit ourselves to just one.

At the shopping centre, Clare marched him straight to the poshest shop and stripped the mannequins of their display.

Clare, these trousers and jacket cost as much as a set of winter tyres, Tom protested as she bundled him into the fitting room.

No worries, well sort your rubber at the chemistchoose summer, winter, whichever you like, but with maximum protection. Not keen on bringing home someone elses bouquet.

Clare!

What? Safety first. Were not picking a scooter; youre about to become the hypotenuse of our wobbly triangle. Have you spoken to your boss yet?

About what? asked Tom, threading his arm through the jacket.

About your salary, obviously. Youll need a pay rise. How else are you going to keep two women on your wage? Im happy with a bit of stew at home, but a mistress expects exactly as prescribed: a dinner, three glasses of wine, five-star hotelscrimp on any of it, and your cement wont set.

At last, Tom emerged and straightened his tie.

Handsome as on our wedding day, Clare brushed away a tear.

Suits you, added a lady from the changing room next door.

Would you like to take him? Hes shopping for a mistress, Clare quipped.

No thanks, Ive already got three, the woman grinned brazenly.

Tom, you mustnt pick one like that, Clare said firmly. We need someone loyal and reliablelike a bank card you can trust to transfer some funds without fear. Now, lets head to the perfume counter; a spritz, and youre ready to be set loose.

They wandered the shopping centre for another hour until Clare nodded, satisfied.

Thats it, Tom, youre ready. Even without a profile picture. Go forthand remember everything I taught you: be persistent, charming, and confident, just like you were when you sold our old Fiat.

Clare headed home to make soup, while Tom, fully prepared, set off to find his mistress at the end of a long and trying day.

An hour later, the entry phone buzzed in Clares flat.

Good afternoon, young lady. Is your husband in? The voice was unfamiliar, velvety, smouldering with passionit sent a spark through Clares heart despite the crackling speaker.

Oh! she gasped, dropping her ladle in surprise. No, hes off to see his mistress.

Might you let me in? I have an offer for you.

The insinuating tone made her flush hot, then cold. She nearly reached for some Lemsip but changed her mind and pressed the door buzzer three times. Tom appeared at the door in three minutes, clutching a grand scarlet bouquet. He slipped an arm around Clares waist as he entered the tiny hallway, suddenly so warm and close.

Have you been crying? Tom asked, noticing her red eyes.

A little. I thought Id messed everything up, but now I see: you need wood for a bonfire.

Well then, would you care to spend this evening with a fascinating companion? There was a glint of wild passion in Toms eyesand perhaps the courage from a nip of brandy. Im taking you to a restaurant, where Ill regale you with the tale of your beauty. Its a true story, but youll love it.

IdId love that, Clare replied, joining in the game, Just let me take the soup off and put on some mascara.

Ill call a cab, Tom nodded.

Where shall we go? Clare beamed.

The best restaurant in town!

Theres no such place here. Only Five Cheeses Pizzeria.

Then thats it. Nothing but the best for my mistress.

And wont your wife be jealous?

Well try our hardest to make sure she is, Tom winked mischievously.

And so, they laughed together, walking into the evening. Sometimes, it takes the threat of losing what you love to find it all over againand to remember, its never too late to stoke the fire at home, rather than chase sparks in the wind.