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Моя мама: тендітна, весела жінка, яку всі обожнювали.

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Моя мати була тендітна жінка з дуже лагідним та веселим характером. Її всі любили. А вона любила мене, для мене жила й працювала. Рано овдовівши, більше не вийшла заміж. Я добре пам’ятаю, як вона вперше повела мене до школи. Ми обоє дуже хвилювалися. На шкільному подвір’ї було багато дорослих, і всі вони трималися за своїх дітей. Коли дітям наказали стати в шеренгу, батьки стали поруч. Усміхнений вчитель, ледь кудрявий, сказав: «Дорослі, відійдіть, школярі підуть до класів без вас». Мати, відпустивши мою руку, сказала: «Не плач, тримайся, ти ж хлопець» — і підштовхнула мене. Але я швидко освоївся у новій обстановці і повідомив, що буду сам ходити до школи, і мати по телефону сказала подрузі: «Він став зовсім дорослим, до школи ходить сам і навіть кішку до біса послав».

Пам’ятаю, у четвертому класі одна дівчинка подарувала мені живу черепаху. Ніхто ніколи не дарував мені черепахи, і я дуже полюбив цю дівчинку. Я зробив їй з кори чорнильницю у подарунок, але вона віддала її іншій дівчинці, сказавши, що це не чорнильниця, а “сміття”. Вдома я, не витримавши, заплакав і розказав усе матері. «Знаєш,— сказала вона,— зі мною таке теж було. Це дуже боляче, я теж плакала, але я жінка, мені простимо, а ти хлопець, тримайся». Мені стало легше, і я одразу розлюбив ту капризну дівчинку.

Свого батька я не пам’ятаю, мати одна виховувала мене. Я не замислювався, чи їй важко. Ми жили дружно і весело. Вона працювала, я навчався, у вільний час ми ходили на лижах, відвідували театр, а вечорами мріяли про майбутнє. Вона мріяла, що у мене буде міцний характер, і що я стану письменником, а я про те, як матиму постійний абонемент в кіно. Так було до дев’ятого класу. Тут, як казала мати, мене підмінили. Можливо, це сталося через нових друзів, яким я хотів наслідувати, але я думаю, що звинувачувати їх у всьому не варто. Мені було 16 років, і багато чого я вже розумів. Я став вести самостійне життя. Це проявилося в тому, що я пізно повертався додому, погано вчився, навчився палити й перестав дивитися матері у вічі. Одного разу я, повертаючись о третій годині ночі, помітив біля воріт маленьку постать матері. Від сорому, що вона не спить через мене, що зараз вона побачить, що я п’яний, я пройшов повз, ніби не впізнав її.

Після закінчення школи я в інститут не вступив, бо, ведучи самостійний спосіб життя, фактично не вчився. Я пішов працювати. У мене з’явилися власні гроші, але я віддав матері лише першу зарплату. Якось я помітив у неї на столику валідол, але ніколи не чув, щоб вона скаржилася на серце. Сусіди вважали, що вона останнім часом сильно змінилася, але я, бачачи її кожен день, цього не помічав, точніше, не хотів помічати.

Так минув рік, наступила весна, і мати почала вмовляти мене готуватися до іспитів. Я розумів, що вона права, але мені бракувало волі. Наступив травень. Я зустрів його добре. Два дні святкування з компанією зібралися в мене. Мати, все приготувавши, пішла до подруги. На третій день я поїхав з хлопцями за місто. Виїжджаючи, забув залишити матері записку, що не прийду ночувати.

Прийшов додому четвертого після роботи, але її вже не було: вона померла третього ввечері, коли вдома нікого не було.

З компанією, яка не подобалася моїй матері, я відразу розірвав відносини. Справжніх друзів серед них не було, це зробив без жалю. Не кидаючи роботи, я став готуватися до іспитів і восени, склавши всі на п’ятірки, раптово зрозумів, що радість, якою ні з ким поділитися, втрачає свою привабливість. На другому курсі я сильно подружився з одним студентом. Олег був серйозним і добродушним хлопцем. Дивлячись на нього, я думав, що він сподобався б моїй мамі. Вихованець дитячого будинку, він зберіг лише туманні спогади про своїх батьків, яких втратив у ранньому дитинстві.

Я відчував величезну потребу розповісти йому все про свою матір, про наше чудове життя до останніх двох років, про те, як я мучив її і втратив. Слухаючи мене, Олег ставав усе суворішим, одного разу він крізь зуби прохопився: «Негідник!» А я, розповідаючи, раптом чітко зрозумів, що для того, щоб убити людину, зовсім не потрібно хотіти її вбити,— це можна робити щодня, байдужо, не розуміючи, до чого це може призвести. Я зрозумів це занадто пізно.

Зазвичай, коли ми сиділи з Олегом у мене, я потім проводжав його до метро. Того вечора він сухо сказав: «Не проводжай». Я відчував, що можу втратити друга. Більше всього тієї ночі мені хотілося почути слова: «Не плач, тримайся, ти ж хлопець». Через тиждень Олег підійшов до мене. «У мене до тебе прохання,— сказав він,— напиши все, що ти мені розказав. Так, як розповів, так і напиши. Твоя мама хотіла, щоб ти писав, спробуй для неї…»

Тій, кому я присвятив цю розповідь, ніколи її не прочитати і не дізнатися, що я все життя буду намагатися стати таким, як вона хотіла,— я взяв себе в руки, адже я — хлопець.

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