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Мрії стати на місце брата змінили моє життя назавжди

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Усе життя я мріяв бути на місці брата, але скоро все змінилося.

Моя мама завагітніла мною у вісімнадцять років. Батько покинув нас, щойно дізнався новину — йому не потрібна була сім’я, лише безкінечні розваги і друзі. Батьки мами, мої дідусь з бабусею, були в люті. У невеликому містечку під Полтавою дитина без чоловіка вважалася ганьбою, і дідусь вигнав її з дому з криками: «Не хочу бачити таку безвідповідальну дочку!» Я навіть уявити не можу, як їй було — юній, самотній, з немовлям на руках. Але вона витримала: поступила на заочне, знайшла роботу, вибивалася з сил. Їй виділили кімнату в гуртожитку, і ми почали життя удвох. Мені довелося дорослішати швидше, ніж іншим дітям — ходив по продукти, прибирав, підігрівав їжу. Ігри? На них не було часу. З малих років я був її підтримкою, її єдиним чоловіком.

Я ніколи не скаржився — пишався цим. Але скоро в нашому житті з’явився Віктор. Він мені подобався: приносив цукерки, пригощав смаколиками, дбав про маму. Вона розквітла поруч з ним і одного разу сказала: «Ми з Віктором одружимося, переїдемо в великий будинок». Я був щасливий — мріяв про справжнього батька, і сподівався, що Віктор ним стане. Спочатку все було наче в казці. У мене з’явився свій куточок, я міг відпочивати, слухати музику, читати книги. Віктор допомагав мамі, і її очі сяяли від радості.

Але потім вона оголосила, що чекає дитину. Невдовзі Віктор сказав: «Тобі, Станіславе, доведеться перебратися в комірчину. Там буде дитяча». Я не зрозумів: у будинку багато кімнат, чому саме я? Наступного дня мої речі вже лежали в тісному кутку, де ледве поміщалося ліжко. Це було несправедливо, але я промовчав — звик терпіти.

Коли народився брат Миколка, почався кошмар. Його крики не давали мені спати, я ходив наче зомбі. В школі оцінки пішли вниз, вчителі сварили, а мама кричала: «Ти повинен бути прикладом для брата! Досить нас ганьбити, ледарю!» Миколка підріс, і на мене звалили нові обов’язки — гуляти з ним, возити коляску по двору. Хлопці сміялися з мене, а я червонів від сорому, але мовчав. Все найкраще — іграшки, одяг — купувалося Миколці. Я просив щось для себе, а Віктор сухо відповідав: «Грошей немає». Я водив брата в садок, забирав, годував, прибирав дім — жив в очікуванні, коли він виросте і дасть мені свободу.

Миколка пішов до школи, і мама наказала допомагати йому з уроками. Він був розпещеним, примхливим — навчався жахливо, і мої спроби його врозумити закінчувалися його скаргами мамі. Вона завжди ставала на його бік, а я отримував догану: «Ти старший, маєш бути терплячішим!» Його переводили з школи в школу, але він всюди провалювався. Врешті решт його віддали в приватну школу, де за гроші закривали очі на його двійки. Я ж пішов до технікуму на автослюсаря — не тому, що хотів, а щоб втекти з дому.

Потім були заочні курси, робота — я працював день і ніч, щоб накопичити на власне житло. Одружився, знайшов спокій. А Миколка? Віктор подарував йому квартиру, але він все одно живе з батьками, здає житло і витрачає гроші на дурниці. Працювати не хоче, валяється перед телевізором. Одного разу на Новий рік ми зібралися в батьків. Прийшла його чергова дівчина, Лєна. Я випадково почув їхню розмову на кухні.

— Тобі пощастило з братом, — говорила вона моїй дружині, Тані. — Станіслав такий роботяга, відповідальний. Чому Миколка не такий? Я прошу його з’їхатися, завести сім’ю, а він тільки до мами приклеюється. Гроші з оренди є, а толку?

— Так, Станіслав молодець, — усміхнулася Таня. — Кидай Миколку, він тобі не вартий. З нього чоловіка не вийде.

Я застиг. Миколка змінював дівчат, як рукавички, але жодна не затримувалася — мама їх усіх проганяла, вважаючи недостойними свого «золотого хлопчика». А він і не чинив опір, жив у своїй ліні, як у коконі. І тут я зрозумів: я більше не заздрю йому. Усе, про що я мріяв — бути на його місці, — виявилося порожнім. Доля дала мені випробування, але й нагородила за них. У мене є сім’я, любляча дружина, дочка, дім, який я побудував своїми руками. Я пишаюся собою, і вперше в житті мені не шкода, що я не Миколка. Моє життя — моя перемога, вистраждана і справжня.

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