My Husband Decided I Should Wait On His Mother Hand and Foot – But I Had Other Plans

My husband was quite certain I should wait on his mother, but I had other ideas

Mothers coming to stay tomorrow morning. Uncle Kens helping shift her things. Dont look at me like that, Margarettheres no choice in it. Her blood pressures through the roof; doctor says she needs looking after, proper home-cooked food and rest. Youre working from home anyway, so it wont be too hard to bring her a bowl of soup and take her blood pressure now and then.

Harold said this in a tone that brooked no argument, staring into his bowl of stew as if the subject was closed. I, busy slicing a crust of wholemeal bread, suddenly stopped, knife poised midair. A strange chill ran through me, then a sudden hot flush followed.

I set the knife down gently on the board and looked over at my husband. Twenty years together, and now here he sat at my lovingly arranged kitchen table, allocating the direction of my life as if I were no more than a feature on the oven or a backup to the pressure gauge.

Harry, I began quietly, the steely thread in my voice barely perceptible, though usually that meant a storm brewing. He, absorbed by searching for chunks of beef in his stew, didnt notice. Did you ask me? I have a year-end report due soon. Working remotely doesnt mean sitting at home doing nothing. I need concentration and peace, not a new career giving medicine and listening to someones woes.

He finally looked up, his face a mixture of honest bewilderment and mounting irritation.

Margaret, for goodness sake. Shes my mum. Its not some stranger from the street. Where else can she go? Hospital wont keep her for long, and we havent the spare cash for a carer. The car loans still hanging over us. Youre in front of your computer all daywhats a five-minute break to check on her?

Five minutes? I answered with a bitter chuckle. Your mum, Edna, doesnt require five minutes. She needs full attention around the clock! Remember last summer at the cottage? I was run ragged: tea too hot, pillow too hard, the sun too bright. And that was when she was healthy. Can you imagine now, when she fancies herself ill?

Youre exaggerating, he brushed off. Shes just particular, thats all. Anyway, its only for a month or so, till shes back on her feet. As a woman, surely you can be gracious about this.

Should. That word stung. All my life, someone decided what I should be. A good homemaker, then a perfect mother (till our son went off to university in Oxford), a patient wife, a dutiful employee. And at forty-five, with my son grown and my own career at last flourishing, now Harry would force on me a new duty.

Edna, my mother-in-law, was a woman of certain habitsa lifelong shopkeeper who liked to take charge and considered herself centre of the family universe. Every mild complaint was a family catastrophe, requiring instant, universal attendance. And now, apparently, Harry expected me to fulfil the latest emergency entirely.

I cant do it, Harry, I said, resolute. Ive other plans.

What now? he snorted. Planning to binge your dramas all afternoon?

Ive been offered a major contract. Im to handle the accounts for a chain of shops. Its a lot at stakemoney and reputation. I cannot be interrupted at every turn.

Say no, he tossed over his shoulder, breaking off a chunk of bread. We get by already, and your mothers health comes first. Stop being selfish, Margaret. Well fetch her at tenready the guest room, change the sheets, and make some chicken broth. She cant handle heavy food.

He got up, flung his serviette on the table, and left the kitchenconfident his word would carry the day. It had always been that way. Harold expected a little protest from me, but in the end, that I would give in, conform, and surrender my comfort for the so-called peace of the home.

I lingered at the table, watching dusk gather outside and the lonely streetlamp sway in the wind. Only one thought circled in my mind: If I give way now, Ill spend the rest of her days as an unpaid nurse. High blood pressure isnt something you just shake offits for life.

That morning, my boss, Mrs. Thatcher (yes, Eleanor, not *that* Mrs. Thatcher!), had spoken with me.

Margaret Smith, were opening a branch in Manchester. I need someone competent to get the accounts running smoothly. Its for a month, perhaps longer. Lodging is provided, pay is double. Youre my first choice. Ill need your answer tomorrow.

Id hesitatedmoving to an unfamiliar city, temporary flat, leaving Harry alone seemed rather drastic. But now, staring at his empty dish, I saw what the offer truly was: a lifeline.

I cleared away, stacking crockery in the dishwasher before shutting myself in the bedroom. Harold sprawled on the sofa, enjoying his evening telly, while I quietly dug out my old suitcase.

Whats this? he grunted, not glancing away. Sorting your clothes? High time too, half of them are due for the bin.

Im going away, Harry, I said, neatly folding blouses.

He muted the TV, turned to face me. What do you mean, going away? To your mums in the country? Shes hardly there.

No. Im taking a work trip. Manchester. About six weeks.

The silence was immense. Harry stared, as if Id sprouted a second head.

Youre joking! What work trip? And your mother-in-law? Whos going to see to her?

You are, Harry. Youre her son. The one she raised. Its not down to a stranger.

Are you out of your mind? He shot up. I work! Gone at eight, home at seven! Who does her medicine, who feeds her in the day?

Take leave. Or arrange your shifts. You told me to drop the contract for familytime for you to show a little consideration.

This is betrayal! He went scarlet. You planned this just to get under my skin!

No, Harry. I got the offer this morning. I was wavering…but you made the choice for me. Yes, we need the moneycar loan isnt going away on its own. I cant pay for a nurse on my present income, but with this work, its just about possible. Unless you fancy taking it on alone.

I went on packingmethodically, serenely. Toothbrush, cosmetics, comfy jumper, laptop. Harry raged round the flat, waving his arms, threatening divorce, playing the pity card.

How can you abandon a helpless old lady? he cried theatrically.

Shes not aloneshes with her loving son, I answered, zipping the suitcase. Taxis on its way. My train leaves in a couple of hours.

You wouldnt dare! He blocked the door.

I stepped close, looking him straight in the eye.

I dare. For twenty years Ive cooked your suppers, washed your shirts, endured your mothers complaints. Im tired of being the convenient one. Its my turn now. Move aside, Harry. Or Ill file for divorceand then youll have more than just your mother to sort out.

He stood backabsolutely floored. The soft, accommodating Margaret was gone; before him stood a stranger, hard as flint.

When the door banged behind me, he was left alone in the hush of our home. The next morning, his mum arrived.

Edna swept in like a queen in exile, lugging vast bags full not of clothes, but jars of jam, dog-eared blankets, and religious trinkets.

Wheres Margaret, dear? she asked faintly, settling herself on our sons bed. Could you fetch me my pillow? Theres a dreadful draught.

Margaret…has gone away, Harry muttered, wrestling with the last suitcase. Work trip. Urgent call.

Edna froze, melodramatically pressing her hand to her heart.

Gone? Who will see to me now? I need broth every three hours, my schedule is strict! How could your wife abandon her husbands mother like this? Its heartless!

Ill look after you, Mum. I will.

And so the nightmare began.

Of course, Harold didnt take time offhis manager flatly refused, with deadlines looming. He tried negotiating for half-days at home, but it never materialised.

Every morning at seven, Edna woke him with her walking stick (shed brought it, though she managed well enough without).

Harold, love! My blood pressure! I think Im fading…hurry!

Bleary-eyed and groggy, Harry rushed over. Her reading was 130 over 80fit for an astronaut. Still, Edna moaned, demanding pills, black tea (two sugars, dont stir!), and a hot water bottle.

Next, porridge. Harry could just about cook eggs and beansher porridge burned.

Trying to poison me! she wept, prodding the caked remains. Margarets put you up to this! Plots to finish me off!

At work, he left Edna with a flask of tea and sandwiches. His mobile rang every twenty minutes.

Harold, cant find the remote!

The windows whistlinghow do I shut the latch?

Think I missed my red pillor did I take the blue one twice? Come home and check!

Evenings he came back to disaster. Edna, for all her bed rest, managed to inspect every cupboard.

Centuries of dust! shed announce. I tried to clean but nearly passed out. Your Margaret was a sloven. Flour in paper bags, not jarstherell be weevils!

Hed grit his teeth, serve up pre-made cutlets (the only thing left in him), clean up, and endure an endless monologue about his useless wife and frail existence.

After a week, Harold looked like a ragged ghostwork slipping, boss furious. The flat was a war zone; his mother never stoppeddemanding care, company, and sympathy.

Mum, how about watching telly while I get some work done? he pleaded.

Youd rather work than save your own mother! Cue the tears. Youll be sorry when Im cold!

One afternoon, finishing work early, Harry stumbled on a scene hed never forget. Her door was ajarEdna, whod rung earlier with tales of aches from head to toe, was on a stool, briskly dusting the chandelier. At the sound of his keys, she zipped down, dove for the bed, and swaddled herself in a blanket.

Oh, Harrold, love, that you? I cant movesome water, please…

He stood a moment, then quietly spoke.

Mum, I saw you.

Saw what? Her eyes darted.

On the stool. Dusting. Youre perfectly fine. Youre making a game of all thisfor me and for Margaret too.

How dare you! she shrieked, suddenly full of life. I was cleaning for your sake! Cant live in filth! Ungrateful, the lot of you!

Ungrateful? Ive slept four hours a night, nearly lost my job. Margaret left because you made things impossible. And you turned it into some sort of pantomime.

Your Margarets a snake! Ran away. A real wife would stay and wait on me!

Shes a wonderful wife, Mum. Ive been a rubbish husbandmaking her do my tasks, or things no one should do, because youve always got a new emergency.

That night, Harry picked up the phone for the first time in days.

Hello? Margarets voice was brisk, calmthe background buzz of an office.

Margaret…hello.

Yes, Harry? Is it about your mum?

No. Well, yesshes quitesprightly. Margaret, I Ive been awful.

I know, she answered gently. Whats happened?

I cant go on. Shes finetoo fine. Shes draining the life out of me. I caught her cleaning the lights, not five minutes after calling to say she was ill.

Margaret laughed.

I imagined as much. No one with a real blood pressure crisis climbs about.

When are you home? he asked, desperate.

Another month. My contracts not finished.

A month! Harry groaned. Ill go spare.

Youll cope. Youre stronger than you think. Its time you see what home cares really like. Its good for you, Harry.

Im so sorryfor all of it. I understand now. Your work matters. You matter.

Glad youve noticed. I have to dashwere in a meeting. Take care. Give my best to your mum.

He put down the phone. One more month of this. But now he knew what he must do.

Next day, he announced, Mum, were visiting a heart specialist. Top-notch. If he says you need a carer, Ill hire onestrict, by the book, and unbending. No nonsense, everything by schedule.

A carer? Why throw away money? Im perfectly

No, Mum. The doctor will decide. If youre well, you go home and get weekly visits from social services. Well see you weekends. Its for the best.

The three weeks that followed were a long negotiation. The GP found only minor, age-typical concerns. Edna staged a few dramatic episodes, but Harrynow battle-scarredwould simply ring 999. The paramedics would check her over, scold her for wasting their time, and leave. By visit three, Edna realised the audience was gone.

She packed herself.

Take me home, she snapped. At least Ive proper neighbours there. Youre all dried up, a suit made of stoneMargarets done you no favours.

He drove her home, lugged up the bags, and stocked her larder.

Ill see you on Saturdays, Mum. But well live separately. It works better for everyone.

When Margaret returned, the flat gleamed with clean scent and tranquillity. Harry greeted her at Kings Cross with a lavish bouquet of roses. He had lost weight, pale but changedthere was something new in his eyes. Respect. Thoughtfulness.

Over dinner (baked codhis own handiwork, remarkably tasty), they spoke easily.

I missed you, Harold admitted. Not just for help about the housewithout you, the place is just empty.

I missed you as well, Margaret smiled. But I finished the project. Earned a bonus, and theyve offered me a promotionregional manager. Ill have to travel sometimes.

Harold looked uneasy, but nodded.

Good for you. Youre brilliant at what you do. Im proud of you.

And your mother?

She rings to moan about the neighbours, the weather, the government. Funny thingher backs fine again, and her blood pressures perfect. Mrs. Potts from across the hall pops in now and then for a bit of pocket money. Simpler for everyone.

Margaret squeezed his hand.

You know, Harry, its for the best. Sometimes we have to reach the limit to realise simple truths.

He agreed. Like the fact that a wife isnt staff, but a partner.

After that, a new order reigned in our house. I was no longer afraid to say no. Harold stopped assuming domestic duties and caring for relatives were womens work alone. His mother didnt change, but now her tricks found no footing against the unity wed found.

And when the next crisis cameEdna calling, Im dying, youd better come at once!Harry calmly replied, Mum, Ill ring the ambulance. If they admit you, Ill come to the hospital. Otherwise, have some calming tea.

And, strangely enough, the dire moments vanished.

This experience taught me the most important lesson: you must defend your boundarieseven from family. Or you risk living as a bit-part in someone elses drama. And if it takes going all the way to Manchester to find yourselfwell, so be it. Its worth it in the end.