Nothing Can Be Heard

Couldnt hear a thing
The plane shyly poked its nose out from the clouds, surveyed the landscape, made a slow, sweeping turn, and lightly touched down on the runway, much like a groom gently pressing his cheek to his brides at the altar.
The passengers erupted in applause, but the pilots heard none of it.
Neither did Colin Chaplin, whose ears blocked up during the flight.
Colin kept pinching his nose and blowing, desperate to clear his ears.
Air hissed from everywhere but where it mattered, and his head buzzed with a low, steady white noise.
Hed just returned from visiting his mum in Liverpool early enough to get ready for work.
His wife, awake and restless, was bustling through the flat, frantically shuffling things from one place to another.
Colin went to the kitchen and began preparing his lunchbox.
Still, his hearing hadnt returned.
Im leaving!
Ive had enough!
This lifes the pits, your pathetic salary of three pounds, and this sorry excuse for a flat.
I thought I was madly in love, but turns out I just caught something off you! She fired her private confessions at Colins back as he calmly scooped potatoes from the saucepan into his thermal flask.
Im leaving for Alex you dont know him, he doesnt know you, but hes wonderful.
Proper feelings, the kind Im supposed to have.
And for your peace of mind, nothings happened between us yet.
So, Im leaving as a decent woman, so you wont go gossiping about me to anyone!
Especially your mum!
Colin finished packing his lunch and put the bag aside, then started brewing a pot of coffee.
Dont you have anything to say?
Ive poured my heart out to you!
Sweetheart! Colin called over his shoulder, could you iron my jeans for work?
What?
Jeans?!
Are you Im talking about feelings and you ask me to iron?
Oh, stuff it all!
I thought maybe youd try and stop me.
With those words, she grabbed a bagmistaking Colins work bag for her own in her furyand stormed out.
It dawned on him only when the door slammed and the flat shuddered: his wife was gone.
Wheres she off to at this hour?
And the jeans?
Blast, wheres my lunch? Those thoughts played on his mind as he faced this mornings abrupt split.
Dispirited and unable to find either of his two flasks, Colin headed to work in crumpled trousers.
In the lift, he nodded at Mrs.
Biggs, the chairwoman of the Residents’ Associationa woman who, judging by her relentless demands for money, still delivered payments to King Johns treasury.
Rumour had it her perfume was so potent it could revive horses and smoke enemies out of hiding, much like medieval alchemy.
Colin held his breath, stepped in, and faced the lift doors as they closed, descending in what felt like a gas chamber.
You havent paid for de-bugging.
Today theyll be fumigating the whole block for cockroaches, her voice boomed.
He quietly watched the rubber seal around the doors begin to melt from her perfume.
You need to transfer the money to my account by this evening!
Will you?
Colin said nothing.
She leaned closer and loudly repeated by his ear, By end of day, I expect your payment.
Congratulations.
Where are they transferring youback to Nottingham? he asked, coming alive.
He truly believed the whispered legend she was descended from Robin Hood.
Mrs.
Biggs launched into a stream of insults, and he caught only fragments: -ock, -don, bloody, -ing,all of which sounded vaguely like ancient dialects.
He simply nodded, as if at a modern art exhibit, paying no mind to the meaning.
The lift doors opened, and Colin hurried out for some much-needed fresh air.
Mrs.
Biggs shuffled off towards the flats to collect her tribute.
Colin worked as an electrician.
Hed been stuck since last week at a project with a fussy client who lacked all sense of creativity and money but still insisted on a masterpiece.
The clients materials and sketches matched his personalitydodgy and half-baked.
Colin wasnt alone in his misery.
Along with him, the plumber and decorators had gotten dragged into this creative dead end.
While Colin was hacking through walls for wiring, the others sweated in other rooms.
Then the client waltzed in, fresh from an all-night birthday party.
In an inspired mood, he wanted to check progress before turning in.
This is all wrong! the client yelled, stamping his foot.
Sockets must be in a chequered pattern, and the chandelier shifted three degrees to the right of true north.
I want it my wayor you wont get paid!
With equally eccentric instructions and threats, he swept through every room, then locked himself in the nursery, where he dozed off atop sacks of plaster.
Seven hours later, the client staggered out, saw his innovative resultsan archway joining the kitchen and lounge, an extra guest loo in the now-combined bathroom.
His clothes were dusted white, his face pale with horror.
He remembered none of his commands and wanted to accuse the builders of lying, but they played back video evidence.
Only Colin hadnt changed anythinghis new orders sailed clear past his blocked ears.
Whether from emotional overload or pure frustration, the client rewarded Colin with a small bonus for resisting drunken creativity, and fired the rest for failing to stand their ground.
Still, under threat of the video, he settled everyones wages.
That evening, hungry and worn out, Colin finally caved and made an appointment to see a doctor to restore his hearing.
On his way, a surly dog tried to intimidate him, barking ferociously, but Colins world was a silent film: people and animals acting out without sound.
It was impossible to know what the emotional beast wanted, so Colin simply walked on, light and unfazed, until the dog got bored and wandered off.
May the sounds be with you! said the doctor while drilling into Colins ear.
Regaining his hearing, Colin rushed home, stopping to spend his surprise bonus: a sausage roll and a modest bouquet for his wife.
Outside the block, his neighbour Tom looked gloomy.
Heard the news? Tom asked.
I havent heard a thing all day, said Colin, poking his little finger in his ear.
Biggsyou know, the Queen of King Johns Courtcollected money from the whole block and scarpered.
Moved to another city, cut all ties.
Schemed it beforehand, that sly fox.
All seven blocks, she got us all.
Did you pay?
No, I didnt, Colin shook his head.
She said something about a transfer this morning, but I havent a clue what.
Lucky you.
I paid, like a mug.
Only plus: by the time shed visited every flat, the cockroaches died from her perfume.
It’s not so bad, really.
Colins flat greeted him with tempting aromas and an unexpectedly gentle wife.
Forgive me, silly thing that I am.
I lost my head, something just came over me.
Solar flares maybe.
Anyway, I want to take all those words back and swear I did nothing wrong.
Theres no Alex, either.
I visited my sister, let off some steam, and my brain sorted itself.
You reacted spot-on this morning, proper manly.
That sobered me up.
Will you forgive this fool?
She smothered Colins face in warm kisses and ushered him to a waiting dinner table.
I honestly didnt hear anything, admitted Colin, feeling hed been rewarded for nothing.
Thank you! his wife squeezed him tightly.
Flipping heck, thought Colin, who hadnt done a single extraordinary thing that day.
Maybe I ought to go deaf more oftenlife would be much easier.He looked at his wife, at the warm meal shed set out, at his own hands smelling faintly of sausage roll.
Tomorrow, the cockroach invasion would return, Mrs.
Biggs would become merely a legend, and the peculiar client might threaten to redecorate again.
But tonight, with his world restored and his ears fully opennot just to sound, but to forgiveness and unexpected fortuneColin realized: sometimes missing the noise is the best way to hear what matters most.
The clinking of forks, the laughter bubbling from the kitchen, and even the distant hum of street life seeped back in with a richness hed never noticed before.
He smiled, letting his wife pour him a cup of coffee, and decided: from now on, hed listen carefullynot just with his ears, but with his heart.
And if, by chance, silence ever returned, hed trust it to deliver its own unlikely blessings.