З життя
Ранковий забіг старшої по дому вздовж будинку.
Вранці. Біжить старша по будинку вздовж будинку, де вона головна. На світовий рекорд у стометрівці йде. З розвиваючимся на вітрі шиньйоном, окровавленими кулаками і в спідниці, замок якої переїхав вперед і став ширінкою. Лівий п’ятий розмір випав у пробоєм на розпущеній в лахміття блузі. Правий ще тримається в фортеці. У мерехтінні ранкових ліхтарів – виличена Свобода-на-Бастіонах Делакруа.
А ось причина появи в такому вигляді відповідальної особи. Йшла вона по території, перераховувала купи на газоні. І раптом виходить з-за кута Яків Мойсейович з шістдесят другої квартири, веде собаку Артема. Власне, Артем зазвичай слухняний. Ну, кусає колесо в машини на ходу. Але це дрібниці. Розійшлись би, але тут на очах старшої по будинку Артем зупиняється, піднімає лапу і спрямовує струменем під трьома атмосферами на її улюблену петунію сорту “Бургундія”.
У старшої по під’їзду як пішло тепло від ніг до обличчя, як накотило… Ця-то хвиля, очевидно, і понесла її на скелі. Жінки, коли на них такі хвилі накочують, відчувають себе восени і мислять егоїстично. Замахнулася вона і врізала по морді Артемові трубою з “Аргументів і Фактів”. Газета – на клаптики. В руці тільки список редакційної колегії залишився.
І ось біжить Артем за старшою по будинку. Плаче і різко повідомляє, що міфи про людоїдство пітбулів позбавлені наукового підтвердження. Що до котів байдужий, а з улюблених фільмів – про сенбернара Бетховена. Мухи не образить. Але якщо цю фря зараз спіймає, то Якову сидіти від семи до дванадцяти років. А якщо вчасно не прибіжуть, то від десяти до двадцяти.
А позаду Артема коров’ячою риссю скаче Яків Мойсейович. Стискає в руці ліву частину бюстгальтера і намагається переконати старшу по будинку, що можна пришити і буде як новий. І що шиньйони від Фурцевої все одно неактуальні, нині у моді саме дреди. І що у в’язницю йому ніяк не можна. Він у п’ятницю приймає іспит з історії православ’я.
Загалом, йшло до примирення сторін. Але біда одна не приходить. З третього під’їзду вилітає з власником на мотузці ризеншнауцер Дмитро. Зрозумівши, що й так багато пропустив, вступає з одягом господаря Артема у такі суперечності, що Якову Мойсейовичу або чашкою від п’ятого розміру прикривайся, або відмовляйся від іспиту з історії православ’я.
А Артем наваляв старшій по будинку, ризеншнауцеру, його господарю. По дорозі додому перекусив сидячій на лавочці бабці костур і облив урну.
І ось тепер старша по будинку отруює життя своїм появою всьому райвідділу. Щодня допитує дільничного, вимагаючи повідомити, скільки у роках дадуть її чоловіку Якову Мойсейовичу і коли цей лейтенант поліції збирається приспати проклятого Артема.
Дільничним не можна задавати питання в такій редакції. Вони безсилі перед стихією і смертні. Поки вибір зупинився на хуліганстві. Але як допитати Артема в якості підозрюваного… Припустимо, цю перешкоду подолати можна. Нехай і розпишеться. Почерк у нього, судячи з петуній, твердий і розбірливий. Але як вручити йому обвинувальний акт – ось головне питання. Здається, що до друкованих видань він з певного часу ставиться з недовірою.
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