З життя
Ранок: Сусідка біжить уздовж будинку, де вона головна.
Вранці. Біжить старша по дому вздовж свого будинку, як на світовий рекорд на стометровці. З розвиваючим на вітрі шиньйоном, окривавленими кулаками та спідницею, замок якої переїхав вперед і став ширінкою. Ліва п’ята розмірність випала в пробоїну на розірваній на шматки блузці. Права ще тримає оборону. В мерехтінні ранкових ліхтарів – вилита Свобода-На-Барикадах Делакруа.
І ось у чому причина появи відповідальної особи в такому вигляді. Йшла вона по території, рахувала неприємності на газоні. І раптом виходить з-за рогу Яків Мойсейович із шістдесят другої, веде свого Аркадія. Так-то Аркадій адекватний. Ну, вкусить колесо в машини на ходу. Але то дрібниці. Вже б і розійшлися, але тут на очах старшої по дому Аркадій гальмує, піднімає лапу й наводить струмінь під трьома атмосферами на улюблену нею петунію сорту Бургунді.
У старшої по під’їзду як пішло тепло від ніг до обличчя, як піднялася хвиля… Ця-то хвиля, ймовірно, і понесла її на скелі. Не дівчата жінки, коли на них такі хвилі накочуються, почуваються восени і міркують егоцентрично. Розмахнулася вона і врізала по морді Аркадію трубою з «Аргументів і Фактів». Газета — в крихти. У руці лише список редакційної колегії залишився.
І ось біжить Аркадій за старшою по дому. Плаче і уривчасто інформує, що міфи про людожерство пітбулів позбавлені наукового обґрунтування. Що до котів байдужий, а з улюблених фільмів – про сенбернара Бетховена. Мухи не образить. Але якщо цю пані зараз зловить, то сидіти Якову від семи до дванадцяти. А якщо вчасно не підбіжать, то і від десяти до двадцяти.
Позаду Аркадія коров’ячим аллюром скаче Яків Мойсейович. Стискає в руці ліву частину бюстгальтера і намагається переконати старшу по дому, що можна пришити і буде як новий. І що шиньйони від Фурцевої все одно неактуальні, нині в моді дреди. І що в тюрму йому ніяк не можна. Він у п’ятницю іспит з історії православ’я приймає.
Загалом, йшло на примирення сторін. Але біда одна не приходить. З третього під’їзду вилітає з господарем на мотузці різеншнауцер Дмитро. Розуміючи, що і так багато пропустив, вступає з одягом Аркадієвого господаря в такі протиріччя, що Якову Мойсейовичу або чашкою від п’ятого розміру прикривайся, або відмовляйся від іспиту з історії православ’я.
А Аркадій наваляв старшій по дому, різеншнауцеру, його господарю. По дорозі додому перекусив у бабусі, що сиділа на лавочці, кийок і облив урну.
І ось тепер старша по дому отруює життя своїм появленням всьому райвідділу. Щодня допитує дільничного, вимагаючи повідомити, скільки у роках віддадуть її чоловікові Якову Мойсейовичу і коли цей лейтенант поліції збирається приспати проклятого Аркадія.
Дільничним не можна ставити питання в такій редакції. Вони безсилі перед стихією і смертні. Поки вибір зупинився на хуліганстві. Але як допитати Аркадія як підозрюваного… Припустимо, цю перешкоду подолати можна. Допустимо, і розпишеться. Почерк у нього, судячи з петуній, твердий і розбірливий. Але як вручити йому обвинувальний акт – ось головне питання. Уявляється, що до друкованих видань він з недавніх пір ставиться з недовірою.
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