The Great Sofa Standoff: A Tale of Division and Compromise

James paced the cramped flat, frantically opening and closing the wardrobe doors as if the answer might be hidden among the hanging coats.

Did you really think Id sit back and watch you winking at everyone? Emily shouted, hurling her handbag onto the couch. Divorce and split the assets! Gather your cash and get out. This is my flat.

The flat may be yours, but everything inside is mine. I bought it all, James replied, his voice shaking.

Yeah, right! Run along! Emily snapped, yanking a stray lock of hair from her forehead. I dont want to see you again!

A year ago James and Emily had tied the knot in a whirlwind romance. Theyd barely breathed without each other.

Theyd met on a scorching summer day on a London pavement, their eyes locking as they passed each other. Both turned at the same moment, laughed, stopped, and started talking. He walked her home, they said goodbyes at dusk, met again the next morning and never partied again.

Everything was perfect until yesterday, when Emilys jealousy flared at a former classmate theyd bumped into at the Westfield centre.

Emily barely recognised the woman with swollen lips as her old school mate.

Did you forget who I am? Sarah, the woman in the glossy coat, grabbed Emilys sleeve. Or you just dont recognise me? I saw you from across the corridor you havent changed a bit, still all drab and grey

Sarah? Im sorry, I didnt know, Emily stammered, fearing shed insulted a stranger. She felt as if she were looking at Sarahs mother the same haircut, a decade older than her own mother.

How about a coffee? Lets have a chat, Sarah suggested. My legs are killing me, Ive been running all morning, buying presents. My dads anniversary is coming up, and Ive got a list I cant even finish.

Sure, why not, James said, eager for a bite. Ill have a steak and veg, Im starving.

Emily didnt object. She hadnt seen Sarah since their school leavers party ten years ago, and she was curious about the lives of the old classmates now scattered across the country.

James ordered his steak, the girls ordered icecream.

Remember Victor? Sarah asked Emily, glancing at James. The lad who used to chase me around school.

Of course I do. Didnt you keep him in the locker room? Emily replied.

Oh, you know nothing, Sarah laughed. He stalked me for two years, now hes settled in Manchester, family there, got a decent job. Who wouldve thought? Hes a proper gent.

Ive seen photos of him in the Facebook group. Thought he was just on a school trip, Emily said. What about Jenny Varley? Where is she now?

Dont know, its a mess. She had a baby and he vanished. All the lads were after her. And remember Tommy Pugh? He kept asking me to dance at the prom, Sarah continued, eyeing James. He married, divorced, now hes posting heart emojis under his pictures. Not my thing. And your Gerry? He married and became a farmer!

Why are you talking about my Gerry? James asked, eyebrows raised.

Because you never chased after him, mate, Sarah snorted.

James shoveled his steak, oblivious to the banter, while Emily grew increasingly tense.

James, youve finished? Its time, we have to go, she said, pulling a compact mirror and a tube of lipstick from her bag, reapplying her makeup. Did you finish your steak?

They stood, said their goodbyes, but Sarah lingered.

Could you give me a lift? Im not far, dont fancy lugging my bags on the tube, she begged.

She slipped into the front passenger seat, draped her bags over her lap, and tossed her hair flirtatiously.

Thought you were living the high life, but that cars a clunker. No credit for a decent ride? I could’ve helped my husband get something proper, she cooed.

James turned to Emily, laughing. What wise people say, love. I wanted a nice car, you wanted something cheap, wed both go broke.

No, no, Sarah cut in, pursing her lips like a duck. We need a reliable car, this one cant take us far. My brother from Europe brought a proper vehicle home. Its incomparable. Want my number? Hell find you something worth having.

Businesswoman, I see, Emily laughed. Helping your brothers business? Fine, give me the number, might come in handy someday.

Emily sat behind Sarah, simmering, forcing a smile as she tried to make the awkward conversation seem light.

The moment they stepped inside the flat, Emily erupted.

Shes good, Im bad? You wont let the boy buy a car? Youre holding back money? Im done with you! she snapped at James. Youre a cheat, you think Im a fool?

What? You dont get jokes? Youre jealous, arent you? James retorted, bewildered.

Tell me something, did you see us flirting? If I wasnt in the car right now, youd already be with her! Emily shouted, grabbing his ears, eyes blazing. She humbles me, and you back her up.

Enough! This petty fight is exhausting. Im tired of this drama, James said, stepping back, hands clenched.

Im fed up with you! Im done. Divorce! I dont want to see you again, Emily declared.

You started it, James replied.

I said everything, Emily countered.

You know, if were making scenes over such nonsense, maybe we really rushed into this.

Exactly! Emily shouted, her voice cracking with fury. She had hoped to scare James into apologising, not to unleash such a storm, but she wasnt backing down.

Divorce, then, James said, stopping in the middle of the room, surveying the mess. Well split the assets as the law says.

Youre a miser, you know that, Emily hissed.

If I demand fairness, does that make me a scoundrel? Im not a fool giving everything to a capricious doll. Ill take the furniture, you keep the flat.

No way. We bought the furniture together, so we split it 5050. The wardrobe is mine, the chest of drawers is yours, the couch

Stop! My halfandhalf is nonsense. Im taking the couch, I bought it with my own blood money.

Its useless trying to reason with you. I wont give you the couch. Ill call our parents.

Fine, Ill call mine too.

Their parents arrived in a hurry, first trying to mediate, then pulling out detailed accounts.

From your side youve provided a modest flat for the newlyweds, but we paid for the wedding, helped with the furniture, the car, even the flats repairs. James earns ten times what Emily does; hes fed her all yearclothes, shoes, everything. So, by fairness, Emily should leave us everything, their motherinlaw declared, eyes flashing.

Jamess father sat quietly, dabbing sweat from his forehead with a large handkerchief, his face flushing between embarrassment and anger.

The motherinlaws breath caught at her own audacity. She opened her mouth to say more, but James placed a hand on her shoulder.

Enough, Anna. Well need lawyers. Well go to court. No point wasting time now, he said, standing and heading for the door, signalling the end of the talk.

Emily, you with us? their mother asked.

No, Emily replied, striking a defensive pose. Ill guard the flat so nothing is taken secretly.

Through the courts, then, the motherinlaw proclaimed loudly. Well collect every receipt, every bank statement. Youll pay us back, you and James, and youll watch every spoon and plate. Gary, get the documents together.

James scoffed as they left. Right Mother, youre really Emily smirked, Now you see who you are.

Is she wrong? James asked.

God, what have I gotten myself into! Emily exclaimed. You can keep all your receipts, but this flat is mine, and the couch stays with me. Dont even think about it.

The couch was chosen together, so its both ours. My salarys bigger, we bought everything with it. Stop acting like a fool, Emily. Why are you so angry?

Im angry? Really? He flirts with anyone, Im just stuck on the side. I worked for you all yearcooking, cleaning, washing, dishes! And you never let me sleep in our bed!

Is that paid work too? James laughed.

Did you think youd found a free servant? He bought everything, a benefactor!

Anyway, the couch is mine, I wont leave without it. I bought the wardrobe, the carpet, the PC, even your bag.

I even bought you a sweater, gloves, even underwear! Take it off!

James stumbled, raised an eyebrow, and moved toward her, a sly grin spreading.

Alright, hold on! Im taking it off

The couch was plush, springy, the kind you sink into.

In the morning Emily woke to his mocking eyes.

Whats so funny? she asked.

Just thinking I dont want to part with such a great couch, he replied.

The couch! she cried.

Who else would I be with?

Swear youll never wink at any other mouthfulls again! Emily demanded, grabbing James by the ears, staring straight into his eyes.

I swear, never again, he laughed. Id do anything for that couch.