This Is No Playground Toy

It isnt a toy

And why would you want a child now, Natalie? Youre nearly forty! What children could you possibly have? Sarah laughed, the sound echoing like a distant bell.

Natalie set her tea cup down slowly, watching Sarah wipe away tears that followed another bout of laughter. The kitchen suddenly seemed too cramped, the scent of steeped tea turning cloyingly sweet.

Sarah, Im serious. I want to adopt a child from a foster home.

Sarah flicked her wrist and let out another giggle.

Oh, come off it! Folks your age think about grandchildren, not about changing diapers!

Natalie clenched her fingers around the warm ceramic. Across the table, her sisters cheeks were flushed with mirth, unaware of how sharply the words cut.

Listen, Sarah, Natalie leaned forward. I want a child for myself. My life feels empty without one. Ive had two marriages, both of them fell apart. And you know I cant have a baby of my own, health reasons. So I need to fill this

Stop, stop! Sarah raised a hand. Do you understand what youre saying? This isnt a plaything! Its a lifetime of responsibility!

Natalie reclined in her chair. The smile faded from Sarahs face, replaced by a solemn stare.

And if something happens to you, Nat? What will become of the child? Youll be alone! And the money? Do you realize how much it costs to raise a kid? Clothes, food, clubs, school, university!

Ive thought about that, Natalie replied calmly. I know they first look after infants, so Ill take a three or fouryearold. I can work from home and devote all my free time to the child. Ill manage.

Sarah shook her head, her dark hair spilling over her shoulders.

Natalie, you dont get it! Raising a child isnt just working from the kitchen table. It means getting up at night when they cry, sitting in hospitals when they fall ill, giving up your own life!

Ill manage. Im not looking for a relationship any more. My salary is good, Natalie said firmly. I have savings, a flat of my own. Nothing to fear.

Its not about the money! Sarah sprang up, pacing the kitchen. You wont cope! This child will ruin your life! You have no idea what youre stepping into!

Natalie rose slowly, her fingers gripping the edge of the table.

You havent let a child ruin your life. You have a son and you manage, you seem happy.

Of course! Sarah turned sharply. I have a proper family! A husband! Im happy, arent I? And youre alone!

The air between them thickened. Natalie stared at Sarah, unable to believe her own ears.

A proper family? she asked slowly. Does that make me improper?

I didnt mean it like that, Sarah tried to soften her tone. Its just easier with a husband. He helps, supports. You have no one.

I see, Natalie said coldly. Thanks for the support, sis.

Sarah snatched her handbag from the windowsill, her movements sharp and jittery.

I worry about you! I dont want you to do something foolish!

Go, Natalie whispered, eyes fixed on the floor.

The door slammed. Natalie was left alone in the kitchen, the halfdrunk tea lingering in the air, the bitterness of spoken words hanging heavy. She sank onto a chair and covered her face with her hands.

Perhaps Sarah was right? Perhaps she truly couldnt manage? Doubts swirled in her mind, each of Sarahs remarks echoing like a pang in her chest. Natalie imagined empty evenings in her flat, a silence pressing on her shoulders, the absence of childrens laughter.

For two days she performed her job mechanically, answering client calls, but her thoughts kept drifting back to the conversation. She found herself browsing pictures of children on fosterhome websites, then snapping back, closing the tabs.

On Thursday evening, her friend Megan called.

Natty, whats wrong? You sound down.

Natalie poured out the talk with Sarah, her doubts, and how deeply the sisters words had cut her.

Your sister is wrong, Megan said firmly. Youre not alone. You have me, Mum, and Dad. If anything happens to you, therell be someone to look after the child.

Natalie pressed her forehead against the cool pane of the window.

And if I cant cope?

You will. Youre strong, smart, with a kind heart. This child will have a happy life with you.

After speaking with Megan, something settled inside Natalie. Yes, she wanted the child. Yes, she was ready to give love, care, a good life. She didnt care about Sarahs opinion.

On Sunday she drove to her parents house to tell them her decision. The car slipped gently into the familiar gate of the semidetached home on the outskirts of Surrey. Natalie stepped out, opened the gate, and walked toward the porch.

Before she could reach the door, loud voices rose from inside. It was Sarah and her parents, arguing fiercely.

You must stop her! Sarah shouted. She mustnt have a child! Shes too old! She doesnt need one!

Natalie wants this, her mother replied. How can you say that?

Natalie slipped closer, hiding behind the side wall, her heart hammering.

Im speaking up because I care about Natalie and my own child! Sarahs voice turned furious. Natalies heart is fragile and this flat of hers should go to my son if anything happens to her! Itll be his inheritance!

The ground seemed to tilt beneath Natalie.

Then the flat will belong to the child Natalie adopts! Sarah continued. A stranger will get everything, all of Natalies money!

Silence fell. Then her fathers voice broke through:

Sarah, do you understand what youre saying?

I do! Im just protecting my familys interests!

Natalie could no longer listen. She stepped out from the shadows.

How could you treat me like this? she cried.

All three turned. Sarahs face turned ashen.

Natalie

You tried to stop me, saying I couldnt raise a child, just because you wanted my flat my savings!

Sarah opened her mouth, then shut it.

Youve got it all wrong! I

I got it right! Natalie moved closer. And I heard it with my own ears! Otherwise I would have blamed myself forever!

Her mother lowered her head, her father stared at Sarah in bewilderment.

Natalie, listen, Sarah began.

No! Listen to me! Natalie turned her back. Dont come near me again. Never!

She walked to the car without looking back. Behind her, muffled voices of her parents and Sarah faded as resolve flared within her chest.

The following months flew by in paperwork, committees, psychologists, social workers. Natalie pressed on toward her goal, ignoring bureaucracy and delays. Every form, every signature brought her nearer the dream.

And then the day arrived. Little Emma shyly held Natalies hand in the corridor of the childrens home.

Mum? Are you my mum now? the girl whispered.

Natalie sat beside her.

Yes, sweetheart. Im your mum now.

Emmas smile flooded Natalies heart with a love she had never known. All the unused feelings of years spent alone burst outward.

At home Emma gently explored her new room, touching the toys Natalie had bought in advance. That evening they read a story, and Emma fell asleep, her head resting on Natalies shoulder.

Grandparents welcomed their new granddaughter with delight. Her dad tinkered a swing in the garden within a week. Megan was thrilled too her son Arthur and Emma quickly became friends, playing together whenever the families met.

The only lingering shadow was the strained relationship with Sarah. At family gatherings Sarah pretended Natalie didnt exist, turning away when she entered the room. But Natalie no longer felt the sting.

She had Emma. The girl who rushed into her bed each morning with questions about the day ahead, who drew pictures with crayons and proudly displayed them, who fell asleep to lullabies and whispered I love you before drifting off.

Life finally held meaning.

In the evenings, when Emma slept, Natalie sat at her bedside, watching her daughters peaceful face. Gratitude filled her heart for fate, for her own courage, even for Sarah, whose greed had opened her eyes.

Natalie adjusted the blanket and whispered softly:

Sleep, my sunshine. Mums here.