Tired of Cleaning Up After My Husband

Im done cleaning up after you, Julia shouted, her voice echoing like a broken teacup. It would be easier to kick you out, get divorced, finally get the house in order, and then maybe, just maybe, marry you again!

Hold on, love, Kevin grinned, his eyes halfclosed over the keyboard. Lets not jump to extremes. Im just sitting here doing nothing!

Exactly! You do nothing. At least you dont get in the way when youre not helping, Julia replied, arms folded around a stack of dishes.

Where am I getting in the way? Kevin asked, bewildered. Im curled up like a mouse at the computer, not sending any signals.

The cup! Julia pointed at the mug beside the keyboard.

Thats my tea, Kevin said, raising his eyebrows.

And the other one, behind the monitor? she snapped, irritation bubbling. Ive been gathering all your cups since dawn!

Thats my halffinished coffee, Kevin smiled. Ill finish it, dont worry. I treat cold coffee the same as hotactually better. Ill even carry them to the kitchen myself, proper gentlemanly.

Is that really true? Julia asked, skeptical.

HonesttoGod true, Kevin nodded. And Ill wash them too.

Id love to believe you, but experience tells me youre lying! Julia said firmly. Finish that coffee and hand me the cup right now!

Im drinking tea, Kevin stammered, I dont want to mix them

A heavy sigh escaped Julias chest. She walked over, lifted the cup, and peered inside. If there were three drops left, she thought, maybe they could be sacrificed.

Kevin, are you kidding? Julia shouted. The cup isnt just empty; the coffee residue has already dried! What were you going to finish?

Seriously? Kevin blinked. The house is so dry! There was coffee here yesterday. We need a humidifier!

Kevin, what should we buy so youll at least tidy up after yourself? Julia leaned against the back of the armchair he was perched on. What are you going to do, then? she hissed, almost into his ear. Kevin! And whats this?

Its a water cup, Kevin replied. You wont let me bring a bottle in, so I have to make do with halfmeasures!

Because the fizzy drink is for everyone, not just you! Julia retorted. If you put a bottle next to you, youll finish it, and too much fizz is bad for you!

So its a cup! Kevin said.

Julia realized shed have to gather the cups around the computer again. The cleaning wasnt over, and she still had work to do. As she left the room, she noticed Kevins odd posture.

She didnt linger. Returning, she tugged the chairs arm and pulled it forward along with the sitting husband.

The scent of divorce is in the air! she declared ominously.

Its just a biscuit, Kevin answered with the innocence of a child.

Not on a plate, but on your knee! Crumbs are already on the floor, and Ive just vacuumed! she raised her voice with each accusation.

Ill clean it up! Kevin chirped.

He tried to brush the biscuit off his leg, but it slipped treacherously onto the carpet and shattered into dozens of pieces.

Kevin closed his eyes, expecting a broom, a rag, a mop, perhaps a vacuum to appear, but nothing materialised. He dared to open one eye.

Julia sat on the sofa, hands cradling her head.

Im tired of all this, she whispered, voice shaking. Four people live in this flat, two of whom are children! But the biggest mess you leave behind is yours, grownup, sensible, notsostupid man!

You should set an example! Im constantly tripping over you while I clean! Endless cups everywhere, plates, saucers! Candy wrappers mysteriously appear between couch cushions! Eternal crumbs on the table! Have we ever had a cockroach infestation?

Ill buy a chalk Molly, Kevin muttered apologetically, but Julia didnt hear him.

You cant even toss rubbish into the bin! Is it so hard to glance whether it landed inside? If not, just dump it! Your back wont break if you bend down and pick it up!

Julia lowered her hands, met Kevins eyes.

And the chocolate bar you hid under the pillow? Ill never forgive you for that! That was my favourite!

Kevin flushed, shame burning his cheeks. He felt a bitter sting that his wifes anguish was his fault.

Jules! he stammered. Julesy!

Julias hurt turned to resolve.

In a week Im off on holidaythree weeks, and the kids will stay with my mum. If the flat looks like a pigsty when we return, Ill divorce you right then! I cant endure this any longer. I finish cleaning, and you start a new mess before I even finish the first!

Kevin stared, horror twisting his features.

Just now, please put your cups away and sweep up the biscuit crumbs, please!

Kevin obeyed at once, as if the words had been a spell. He didnt truly believe Julia would really leave with the children for three weeks; he thought she was bluffing.

She did leave. She even showed the return tickets shed bought. For three weeks Kevin would have to endure solitary, proud lonelinessa prospect that terrified him.

Before she left, Julia finally set the house in order and warned:

If it isnt, you can file for divorce yourself! My patience has burst!

Men often have a peculiar sense of cleanliness.

Some men are fastidious, demanding sterility and capable of creating it themselves. The majority, however, rank tidiness far down their list of priorities. Cleanliness is a flexible concept.

A stray piece of paper, if it doesnt prick the eye, can wait until the scheduled cleaning, or be shoved under a sofa or chair with a casual foot.

Dust on the television or monitor is wiped away only when the paint fades or sunlight highlights the layer, turning it into a love note.

A grain of sand on the floor is tolerable in slippers, unless you slip while turning a corner.

As for plates, cups, forks, spoons, pots, and pans queuing at the sink, we neednt speak.

Why pursue frantic activity for a single dish? Better to gather everything and then turn washing up into a Herculean feat, not a mundane chore!

Debates over misplaced items can last a lifetime. Perhaps a piece has changed its address? Pants on a chair are in place, but in the wardrobe theyll grow lonely.

Kevin embodied the typical male attitude toward cleanlinesswhat his wife called a pigs house.

Nevertheless, Kevin could clean, cook, fix things, and sometimes did so on a whim, driven by a sudden urge to labour honestly around the home.

But often his wishes and reality clashed. Hed feel a surge to scrub the stovetop just as Julia set a pot to boil; the timing never aligned, and noble intentions were drowned in copperbottomed pans.

Motivation was scarce, and Julias demands for activity sometimes struck when Kevin felt none. Yet he pressed on, even when mood swooped in from a dark corner, leaving him with little to do.

Outside of that, Kevin was a decent family man. He worked well, earned a respectable income, sent every penny home, loved his wife, adored his children, and padded the familys budget with side gigs. His only vice was video games, which Julia could easily distract him from when needed.

When Julia made impulsive purchases, Kevin shrugged, Thats what women do, as if it were destiny.

When she came home from work in a sour mood, Kevin always took the blow, listening, empathising, even scolding her colleagues in his mind, though he never saw their faces.

Overall the family was fine, but one snag drove Julia to the brink: Kevins attitude toward tidiness. If he cleaned, it was a rare gift to her.

She already dealt with the chaos of two daughters who played with their dad while dumping every problem on their mum.

At the limit, Julia decided either to reeducate her husband into orderliness or to spare her own nerves and stop draining herself repeatedly.

A week before returning, Julia called Kevin.

How are you?

Fine, Kevin replied.

Youve got a week. Just a headsup, she said.

Everythings fine, he answered.

She called again three days before, then two, then one, each time reminding him that if he hadnt cleaned up after his solitary stint, time was still ticking.

Honestly, Julia missed Kevin terribly. They had never spent more than a week apart since their wedding, and now three weeks loomed.

She warned him not to give her a reason to divorce, though she was ready to forgive even a pigsty.

No fights, no sanctionsjust a warning, no divorce.

Finally, after dropping the kids at the playground and swapping travel stories with friends, Julia returned to the flat.

Constantine, you surprise me! she exclaimed brightly.

Julia, you dont surprise me at all, Kevin replied sternly. Its like that joke you told me!

Which one? Julia asked, puzzled.

I lived alone for three weeks! I used one pot and one pan, washing them before each use. One plate, one fork, one spoonalso washed before meals. Two cups in total: one for tea, one for coffee. I cleaned them as they got dirty. I drank water, fizzy drinks, and juice from bottles, which I threw away on my way to work. Youve been feeding me that idea for years! Before you came back, I simply vacuumed the whole flat. Thats allclean and tidy!

What are you trying to say? Julia asked warily.

That the mess isnt my doing, Kevin declared. For the record, you love sweets in this houseYou and the kids! That chocolate bar you still blame me for? You hid it while on a diet, and I kept quiet!

But you always leave things behind Julia began, grasping at a straw.

If you didnt interfere with me cleaning myself and didnt stick your nose where I wasnt asked, none of these problems would exist!

The next day the flat was a typical mess, but Julia began cleaning with the conviction that Kevin was not the main pig in the house.

The kids, maybe, she mused, but theyre kids! Well have to enlist them in the cleaning too. If theyre the first to litter, then theyll be the first to help tidy, while mum does the rest.