‘Valerie Was Doing the Dishes When John Turned Off the Kitchen Light: “It’s Still Light Outside—No N…

You know, yesterday I was doing the washing up in the kitchen when Andrew strode in. First thing he did was flick off the light.

Its still light enough outside, he grumbled, frowning. No use wasting electricity.

I was about to put a load of washing on, I replied.

Do it tonight, he said flatly. Its cheaper then. And do you really have to have the tap on so full blast? You use far too much water, Emily. Its ridiculous. Dont you see how youre just flushing our money down the drain?

He turned the tap down himself. I just looked at him, feeling utterly defeated. I switched the water off, dried my hands, and took a seat at the table.

Andrew, have you ever taken a good look at yourself from the outside? I asked.

Every single day I do. Looking at myself is all I ever do, he snapped back.

So, what do you think? About yourself?

As a person? he asked.

As a husband. As a father.

Im fine as a husband, Andrew said. And as a dad. Fairly normal. Nothing extraordinary, but not terrible either. Whats your problem?

Are you saying all husbands and dads are like you? I pressed.

What do you want, Emily? An argument? he retorted.

At that point I knew I was in too deep to turn back. We had to get through thishe needed to finally realise that living with him was slowly destroying me.

Do you know why youve never left me? I asked him.

And why would I leave you? he shot back, smirking.

For a start, because you dont love me, I said. And you dont love our kids, either.

He looked like he was about to object, but I cut him off.

Dont even bother arguing. Its pointless. I wanted to tell you something elsewhy you still hang onto me and the children.

So why? Andrew asked, folding his arms.

Because youre tight-fisted, I replied. Because youre so ridiculously stingy that splitting up would be a massive financial blow to you. How long have we been together now? Fifteen years? For what? What have we actually achieved in all that timeoutside of getting married and having kids? Just tell me, whats there to show for the last fifteen years?

Weve got our whole lives ahead of us, Andrew shrugged.

Not our whole lives, Andrew. Just whats left, I said. And do you know in all that time weve been together, we havent gone away to the seaside even once? Not to mention abroad, but not even anywhere here in England. Every year, we stay home for our time off. We dont even take the kids for a walk in the woods or to pick blackberries. Want to know why? Because its too expensive.

Were saving up, Andrew said. For our future.

We? I laughed. Maybe youre saving up.

Its for you, he shot back. For you and the kids. Thanks to me, you ought to see how much we have in the bank now!

We? I questioned. I think you mean you. Unless theres some giant fund with my name on it that I dont know about. But lets just see, shall we? Give me some money so I can get the children and me some new clothes. Ive spent fifteen years in the same outfits I wore at our wedding, in whatever your brothers wife gave me after she finished with them. And the kids, toothey get all their stuff secondhand from their cousins. Also, I want to finally get a place of our own, Im tired of living under your mothers roof.

Mums given us two rooms, Andrew pointed out. You cant complain. And why waste money on new clothes for the kids, when theyve got perfectly good things from their cousins?

And me? I asked. Whose cast-offs should I be wearing? Your brothers wifes?

Who are you dressing up for? Andrew scoffed. Its ridiculous. Youre the mother of two children. Youre thirty-five! Youve got bigger things to worry about than clothes.

And what exactly should I be thinking about, Andrew?

Lifes meaning, he said with that lecturing tone. That theres more to life than clothes and all this dross. Higher pursuits, things that matter.

Really? I said. So thats why you stash all our money away and dont let us see a penny? For our spiritual enrichment, is it? So we can grow as people?

Because I cant trust you with it! he shouted. Youd blow through it in no time. Then what would we live on if, God forbid, something happened? Have you thought of that?

I love your logic, I replied. But tell me: when exactly do you suppose well start living? Because at this rate, it feels like that something happening already has. Were living like its already disaster time!

Andrew just glared at me.

And you scrimp on everythingsoap, loo roll, even napkins, I went on. You nick hand cream and bars of soap from work.

A penny saved is a penny earned, Andrew muttered. Youve got to start with the small things. Its laughable to waste money on expensive soap or loo roll.

Well, at least give me an idea how much longer were supposed to live like this, I said. Ten more years? Fifteen? Twenty? When do you plan for us to finally start living like actual people? With half-decent toilet paper. Im thirty-five now. Are we still waiting?

He said nothing.

Let me guess, I said. Forty? When Im forty, we start living?

Still nothing.

I see, I said. Silly me. Who starts living at forty? Still just a kid. Sorry! What about fifty? When Im fifty, can I get new clothes at last?

Silence.

No, still too soon, right? I nodded knowingly. After all, what if we blow it all on nice toilet paper and then need to beg on the street! Youre right. Fiftys too early. What about sixty then? Maybe by then therell be a fortune in the account, and we can finally start living. Maybe then, if its all right with you, I can buy some clothes. For the kids as well?

No response.

Do you know what I suddenly thought about, Andrew? I said a bit shakily. What if we never actually make it to sixty? It could happen. We dont eat wellall your penny-pinching means we buy cheap rubbish, and we just eat too much of it. You ever worried what thats doing to our health? And more than that, have you noticed were both permanently grumpy? You cant live long in that state.

If we leave Mum and start eating properly, we wont save anything, Andrew said.

No, we wont, I agreed. And thats why Im leaving you. Im just done with saving. I dont want to do it any more. You love it, but I dont.

How are you going to live? Andrew was absolutely horrified.

Ill get by, I said. Surely no worse than now. Ill rent a flat for me and the kids. My salarys as good as yoursI can cover rent, food, and proper clothes. And the best thing? I wont have to listen to your rants about the price of electricity, gas and water ever again. Ill run the washing machine in the afternoon if I want, and I wont freak out if I forget a light on somewhere. Ill buy the best toilet rolls out there, always have napkins on the table, and Ill shop without waiting for sales.

Youll never be able to save a penny! Andrew nearly wailed.

Oh, I absolutely could. Ill be putting aside all your child support for the kids. But actuallyyoure right. Im not going to save anything. Not because I cant, but because I refuse to. Im going to spend every last pound. Including your maintenance payments. Ill live paycheque to paycheque. And weekends, the kids will be coming round to you and your mums. Imagine the savings for me! Ill finally get to go to the theatre, the restaurants, art galleries and in summer, Ill take a proper holiday to the seaside. Cant say yet where Ill go, but Ill work that out when Im free of you.

Andrew looked like death warmed upabsolutely petrified. Not for me, not for the kidsjust for himself. He was probably already doing sums in his head about how little hed have left after those child support payments and the cost of looking after the kids at weekends. More than anything though, the thought of me wasting money on seaside holidaysthat was what really made his blood run cold. His own money, in his eyes.

One more thing, I told him. That bank account you hoard all the money in? Well be splitting that in half.

How do you mean? he asked, blinking.

Half and half, I replied. And Im going to spend my half as well. How much is it after fifteen yearsmust be a fair bit. Ill be spending that too. Im not going to save up for living, Andrew. Im going to live, starting now.

He just sat there, mouth opening and closing, unable to get a word out. He looked like all the fight had gone out of him.

You want to know my dream, Andrew? I said softly. I want to get to the end of my life with not a single penny left in my account. That way, Ill know I spent everything on living.

Two months later, Andrew and I were divorced.