Varina Was Judged by the Village the Very Day Her Belly Began to Show Beneath Her Sweats—At Forty-Tw…

I was condemned in this village the very same day my belly began to show beneath my jumper. At forty-two! A widow! The shame of it.

My late husband, Stephen, was buried in the churchyard ten years ago, yet there I wasbrought trouble home, as the villagers would say.

Whos the father? hissed the women at the water pump.

Who knows! others chorused. She keeps herself to herself, never steps out of line and look where shes ended up! Knocked up.

The girls are of marrying age and the mothers out gallivanting! Disgraceful!

I kept my eyes low as I trudged home from the post office, my heavy bag cutting into my shoulder. Lips pressed tight, I never looked anyone in the eye.

If Id known it would come to this, perhaps Id never have got involved. But honestly, who could stand aside when its your own child sobbing her heart out?

It didnt start with me, you see. It started with my daughter, Emily.

Emily, well, she was a picture of a girl, the spitting image of her father, Stephen. Hed been a handsome one, first lad of the village, fair hair and blue eyes. Shed inherited it all.

Everyone in the village admired her. My younger, Kate, she took after medark hair, brown eyes, serious and quiet.

I loved my girls more than life. Did everything for them, carried the load alone, like a mule. Two jobspostwoman by day, cow shed cleaner by night. All for those two darlings.

You must get your education, girls! I told them. I wont have you spending life in the muck, dragging a heavy bag like me. Go to the city, make something of yourselves!

Emily did exactly that. Off she went to London, as if she had wings. She started business college and immediately drew attention.

Shed send back photosone day at a restaurant, another in a stylish dress. She even had a fiancé: son of some bigwig. Mum, hes promised me a fur coat! she wrote.

I was so happy for her. Kate grew gloomier though, left behind in the village. After school, she worked as a cleaner at the local clinic. Wanted to train as a nurse, but we simply couldnt afford it.

All Stephens death pension and my salary went to Emily and her city life.

***

That summer, Emily came home. Not chattering, not dolled up, not laden with presents, but quiet and pale.

She barely left her room for two days, then on the third, I found her weeping into her pillow.

Mum Mum its all over for me

She poured her heart out. The fiancéher golden boyhad used her and dumped her. She was four months pregnant.

Its too late for anything now, Mum! Emily wailed. What am I going to do? He wants nothing to do with me! If I have this child, he wont give me a penny! Ill get thrown out of college! My lifes over!

I just sat there, thunderstruck.

You you never took care, did you, love?

Whats it matter now? Emily cried. What am I supposed to do? Dump the baby at an orphanage? Or down some alley?

My heart just about broke. How could I let her child, my grandchild, end up with strangers?

That night, I didnt sleep. I drifted from room to room, a ghost in my own house. Early in the morning, I sat on the edge of Emilys bed.

Well manage, I said firmly.

Mum! How? Everybody will know! Ill be the talk of the village!

No one will know, I insisted. Well say its mine.

She stared at me in disbelief.

Yours? Mum, do you know what youre saying? Youre forty-two!

Mine, I repeated. Ill go stay with Aunt Pauline in the next county, say Im helping out. Ill have the baby there, stay for a bit. You go back to London, finish your studies.

Kate, lying on the other side of the thin wall, had heard it all. She bit her pillow as tears streamed down her face. She pitied me, hated her sister for it.

***

A month later, I left the village. There was some talk for a while, then it stopped. Six months later, I returned. Not alone this time, but with a tiny blue-wrapped bundle.

There, Katie, I said to my pale younger daughter, meet your baby brother, Michael.

The village gasped. So much for quiet Mrs. Walker! They had me pegged as a grieving widow, and now this!

Whos the father? the gossips started again. Could it be the vicar?

No, hes too old! Must be the farm managergood-looking man, keeps to himself.

I bore the whispers in silence. My life was now twice as hard. Michael was a fretful, lively baby. Nights were sleepless.

I was still lugging the post bag and mucking out bowers, but now nights were filled with a babys cries. Kate helped all she could. She washed nappies silently, rocked her brother silently, but inside she simmered.

Emily wrote from London. Mummy, how are things? I miss you so much! No money just now, Im barely scraping by myself. But Ill send some soon!

Money came, after a year A single thousand pounds. And a pair of jeans for Kate, two sizes too small.

I kept slogging away at two jobs, Kate always by my side. Her prospects went nowherelocal lads would look her way, then think twice. Who needs a fiancée with a baggage like ours? A mother with a bad reputation, a brother born out of wedlock

Mum, Kate said once, when she was twenty-five, maybe we should tell the truth?

No, love! I panicked. We can’t! It would ruin Emilys life! Shes married now, to a good man.

Emily had made it indeed. She finished college, married a businessman, moved to London.

Shed send photoson the beach in Spain, sightseeing in Italylooking every inch the city wife.

She never asked about her brother. I wrote her updates: Mikeys in first form now. Top marks.

Shed send expensive toys, absolutely useless here in the country.

The years melted away. Michael turned eighteen.

He grew into a tall, blue-eyed ladso like Emily herself. Cheerful, hard-working. He adored me, and Kate too.

Kate, by then, had settled into her role. She was head nurse at the county hospital.

Spinster, people muttered behind her back. Shed resigned herself to it. Her whole life was me and Michael.

Michael finished school with honours.

Mum! Im off to London for university! he announced.

My heart clenched. London Thats where Emily was.

You sure you wouldnt rather go to county college? I ventured.

I need to make my own path, Mum! he laughed. Just you watch. One day you and Kate will be living in a palace!

The very day Michael finished his last exam, a sleek black Mercedes pulled up to our gate.

Out swept Emily. I nearly fainted. Kate froze in the doorway, dish towel in hand.

Emily was near forty, but looked like shed stepped out of a glossy magazine. Slim, gold jewellery, designer suit.

Mum! Kate! Hello! she sang, kissing me on the cheek. And wheres

She saw Michael. He stood polishing his hands on a rag, just back from the shed.

Emily stared at him, transfixed. Her eyes shimmered with tears.

Hello, Michael said with polite reserve. Are you Emily? My sister?

Sister she echoed. Mum, we need to talk.

We sat around the table.

Mum I have everything. A house, money, a husband But no children.

She sobbed, her expensive mascara streaking.

Weve tried everythingIVF, top specialists Nothing works. My husbands angry. I I cant go on.

So why have you come, Emily? Kate asked bluntly.

Emily lifted her damp eyes.

Ive come for my son.

You must be mad! What son?

Mum, dont shout! Hes mine! I gave birth to him! Ill give him a real lifeconnections, the best university, a flat in London! My husband, he knows everything. He agrees!

Everything? I gasped. Did you tell him about us? About the years of shame? About what Kate

Oh, Kate! She just wasted away in the village! Michael deserves a chance! Mum, please! You saved my life oncenow give me back my son!

Hes not an old jumper to return! I yelled. Hes mine! I stayed up nights, raised him, taught himI

At that moment, Michael stepped inside. Hed heard it all. He stood at the door, pale as death.

Mum? Kate? What what is she talking about? What son?

Mikey! Darling! Im your mother! Dont you see? Your real mother!

He stared at her like he was seeing a ghost, then turned to me.

Mum is it true?

I covered my face and broke down in tears. And that’s when Kate exploded.

Quiet, restrained Kate stormed up to Emily and slapped her so hard she staggered back against the wall.

You monster! Kate screamed, pouring out eighteen years of humiliation, grief for me, and utter rage. Mother? You abandoned him as a baby! You knew our mum was shunned, whispered about at every corner! You knew that I ended up alone because of your mistake! No husband, no children! And now YOU show up, thinking youll just take him away?

Kate, thats enough! I begged.

No, Mum, its not! Enough is enough! Kate turned to Michael. Yes, shes your mum. She threw you onto my mother so she could set herself up in London! And this,she pointed at methis is your grandmother. She threw her life away for you both!

Michael was silent for a long time. Then he knelt before me, wrapping me in his arms.

Mum he whispered. Mummy.

He lifted his head and looked at Emily, who was slumping down the wall, clutching her face.

I dont have a mother in London, he said quietly but firmly. This is my mum. And this is my sister.

He stood, took Kates hand.

You auntie youd better leave.

Mikey! Son! Emily howled. Ill give you everything!

I already have everything, Michael answered. I have a wonderful family. You have nothing.

***

Emily drove away that same night. Her husband, whod witnessed the whole scene from the car, never even got out.

They say he left her within a year, for another woman who gave him a child. Emily was left alone, with her money and her beauty.

Michael never went to London. He started at the county college, studying engineering.

Im needed here, Mum. We need a new house.

As for Kate Well, Kate that evening seemed to come alive for the first time in years. At thirty-eight, she suddenly bloomed.

Even that farm managerthe one from all the gossipstarted to take a friendly interest. A fine man, a widower.

I watched them and wept, only now from happiness. Thered been a sin, of course. But a mothers heartwell, it can bear almost anything.