Why I’m Finally Leaving My Penny-Pinching Husband: Fifteen Years of Scrimping, Sacrifice, and Being …

I was washing the dishes in our small London flat one evening when Sarah walked into the kitchen. Before she entered, she flicked off the main light.

Its still bright enough. No need to waste electricity, she muttered, sounding a bit cross.

I was going to put a load of washing on, I replied.

You can do it later, when the off-peak rate kicks in, she said curtly. And theres no need for the water to be on full blast. You waste so much, Thomas. Honestly. Dont you realise youre just pouring our money down the drain?

I reached over and turned the tap down. She gave me a weary look, switched the water off entirely, dried her hands, and took a seat at the table.

Thomas, have you ever tried looking at yourself from the outside? Sarah asked.

Every single day, I have to, I snapped.

And what do you think of the man you see? she pressed.

You mean as a person? I asked.

As a husband and a father, she clarified.

Im just normal, I shrugged. Nothing special. Same as most men out there. Why are you on at me?

Do you genuinely think all husbands and fathers act the way you do? she said quietly.

Are you trying to start an argument? I bristled.

Sarah clearly had something on her mind, and I could tell this was one of those talks that couldnt be avoided. She was determined to make her point clear living with me, she wanted me to understand, was nothing short of misery.

Do you know why youve never left me, Thomas? she asked.

And why would I? I shot back, a wry smile tugging at my lips.

If nothing else, because you dont love me, she replied. And you dont love our children either.

I opened my mouth to disagree, but she carried on.

No, dont bother denying it. Lets not waste time arguing that point. I want to talk about something else: why didnt you walk away from me and the kids?

Oh, go on, then, I said.

Because youre just too tight-fisted, said Sarah. Youre so unbelievably stingy, Thomas, that splitting up would simply be too much of a financial loss for you. Weve been together, what, fifteen years? What have we got to show for it? Apart from the fact that were married and we have children what have we achieved over these fifteen years?

Weve still got all of life ahead of us, I replied.

Not all, Thomas. Just whats left, she said softly. All the time weve been together, weve never once gone on a seaside holiday. Not once. Im not even talking about holidays abroad. Weve never even had a proper break in England. Our holidays are always spent at home, in the city. Weve never even driven out to the countryside for mushrooms, let alone anything else. And why? Because its too expensive.

Because were saving. For our future, I insisted.

We? she laughed incredulously. Isnt it you whos saving?

Im doing it for you for all of us, I said.

For us? You seriously mean for me and the kids? she asked, her tone dead serious. Every month for fifteen years youve just dutifully taken both our salaries and squirreled them away for us?

Well, who else am I doing it for? I muttered. Weve got a decent little sum in the bank now, thanks to me.

We have? She raised her eyebrows. Maybe you do. I certainly dont. Well perhaps Im wrong. Lets do a little experiment, shall we? Hand me some money so I can buy some new clothes for myself and the children. Because for fifteen years, Ive been wearing my old wedding dress and cast-offs from your brothers wife. The children, too they always get their cousins clothes. And lets not forget, Id also like to finally rent a place of our own. Im so tired of living in your mothers flat.

Mum let us have two rooms, I said defensively. Really, youve no reason to complain. As for the childrens clothes, whats the point in wasting money when there are perfectly good hand-me-downs from my brothers lot?

And what about me? asked Sarah. Whose old clothes should I make do with? Your brothers wifes?

Who are you dressing up for, anyway? I snorted. Honestly, youre a mother of two, youre thirty-five. New clothes shouldnt be your main concern.

And what should I be thinking about? she said, forcing calm.

The meaning of life, I replied. That theres more to life than clothes and all that silly womanly stuff. Things of real value.

Such as? Sarah frowned.

Im talking about spiritual growth, deeper things, the kind that actually matter, I answered. You should lift yourself above all this fuss over clothes, homes, and shopping.

I see, she said. That explains why you keep all the money under your name and wont spare any for us. To help us grow spiritually happy for the future. Is that right?

Because I cant trust you to manage it, I snapped. Youd only spend everything. What would we live on if something happened, have you thought of that?

Live on what, if something happened? Sarah said, her lips trembling. Thats a good one! But tell me, Thomas, when do we actually start you know living? Are you seriously not aware that because of your if something happens, were already living like that every day?

I kept my mouth shut, stubbornly glaring at the floor.

You scrimp even on soap, loo roll, napkins, she continued. You bring soap and hand cream home from work. The stuff they hand out for free.

A penny saved is a penny earned, I retorted. Everything starts with the little things. No need to splash out on posh soap or tissues. Thats just daft.

At least give me a time frame how much longer do I have to put up with this? Ten years? Fifteen? How many more years do you have to hoard before we can start to live normally with nice toilet paper, maybe? Im thirty-five now, but by your standards, I guess the times not come yet?

I wasnt answering.

Lets guess, said Sarah. Forty? Will we begin living then? Of course not. Who starts living at forty? Stupid idea. Sorry, Thomas. What about fifty? Is that when we get to start?

No answer.

Still too young, Sarah said, nodding sardonically. And suppose we do reach sixty? Will you let me spend on clothes then? Will I finally get a flat for the kids and me?

Again, I kept silent.

But what if we dont make it till sixty? Sarah said, her voice trembling. It could happen, you know. With the way we eat nothing but cheap junk and too much of it and the constant gloom in the house, how could we possibly expect to last? Doesnt help anyones health. But thats not the real issue, Thomas. Our moods are always so low. Have you noticed? Folks with heavy hearts dont tend to last long.

If we left Mums and started spending more, we couldnt keep saving, I managed to say.

Exactly, Sarah agreed softly. And thats why Im done. Im leaving, Thomas. Im tired of scrimping and saving. I dont want to anymore. Maybe you do, but I cant.

How will you get by? I gasped.

Ill manage, somehow, she answered, with a half-smile. It cant be much worse than this. Ill find a place for myself and the kids. I earn about the same as you. Itll cover a flat, and therell be enough left for food and clothes. More importantly, I wont have to listen to you bang on and on about saving electricity and water. Ill run the washing machine whenever I need, not wait till midnight. If I forget to turn off a light in the loos or kitchen, Ill survive. Ill buy the nicest loo roll I like. Well always have napkins on the table. Ill shop when and where I please rather than wait for a sale.

You wont be able to save a penny then! My voice rose.

Why not? Sarah countered. In fact, Ill save your maintenance payments for the kids. Or maybe youre right I probably wont save anything. But only because I wont want to. Ill spend every last pound, including your child support. Ill live from pay cheque to pay cheque. And at weekends, Ill bring the kids to visit you and your mum which saves me money. While Im free, Ill go to the theatre, to restaurants, to exhibitions. In summer, Ill go to the seaside. Havent decided where yet, but I will, once Ive sorted things out with you.

A darkness clouded my mind; fear gripped me, not for her or the children but for myself. I quickly calculated how little Id have left after maintenance and weekend visits. But what pained me most was all that money Sarah would be throwing away on trips to the coast for those would be my pounds.

Theres one more thing you ought to know, Sarah went on, calm and determined. Well split the savings account.

How do you mean? I said, shocked.

Fifty-fifty, Sarah replied. And Ill spend my half too. After fifteen years, it must be a tidy amount. Ill use that money for life now not for some mythical someday.

I tried to say something, anything, but terror at the prospect of her words clamped my throat shut.

Do you know what my dream is, Thomas? Sarah finished quietly. Its that when I reach the end of my days, Ill have not a single penny left in my account. That way, Ill know I spent everything I had on this life, on myself.

Two months later, Sarah and I were divorced.

Looking back, I suppose what I learned is that saving for an uncertain future is pointless if it makes you too scared to live for today. Theres no sense banking away all your happiness for some day that might never come.