Without a Soul

Soulless
Claudia Harrison had returned home.
Shed been to the hairdresser; despite her respectable ageshe had recently turned sixty-eightshe never failed to treat herself to visits to her stylist.
Claudia kept her hair neat, her nails manicured, and these simple rituals always lifted her spirits and gave her a renewed zest for life.
Claudia, a relative of yours dropped by while you were out.
I told her youd be home later.
She said she might come by again, her husband George said when she came in.
What relative?
Ive no family left, not really.
Some long-lost relation, probably here to ask for something.
You should have told her Id gone to the ends of the earth, Claudia replied, clearly annoyed.
Come now, what would be the point in lying?
She looked the parttall, elegant, very much like your late mother, God rest her soul.
I doubt shes here to beg.
She seemed a cultured woman, dressed well, George tried to calm his wife.
About forty minutes later, the relative knocked at the door.
Claudia answered herself.
The woman did, indeed, remind her of her departed mothersmartly dressed: an expensive coat, boots, gloves, diamond studs in her ears, all things Claudia could easily spot.
She invited the woman to a table already laid out.
Well now, since were family, lets get acquainted.
Im Claudia, skip the formalities, we seem to be of a similar age.
This is my husband George.
Tell me, how are we related? the hostess inquired.
The woman hesitated, even blushing slightly.
Im Helen Helen Williams.
Were not far apart in agefifty, as of the twelfth of June.
Does that date mean anything to you?
Claudia paled.
I can see you remember.
Yes, Im your daughter.
Dont worry, I havent come to ask for anything.
I simply wanted to see my mother, to understand why I spent my life not knowing her, why only my father seemed to love me.
He passed just two months ago.
At the very end, he told me about you.
Asked me to forgive him, if I could, Helen told her, voice trembling.
What?
You had a daughter? George gasped, taken aback.
So it appears, Claudia answered shortly.
Ill explain later.
Youre my daughter?
Very well!
Youve seen me.
If you think Ill beg forgivenessno, I wont.
Ive no guilt in this.
I hope your father filled you in on everything?
If you hope to awaken any maternal feeling in me, dont.
Not a jot.
Sorry.
Would it be alright if I visit again?
I live in the suburbs, in a big house, and you could come with George someday.
I brought photos of your grandson and great-granddaughter, perhaps youd like to glance at them? Helen asked meekly.
No.
I dont wish to.
Dont come back.
Forget about me.
Goodbye, Claudia answered sharply.
George called Helen a taxi and saw her out.
When he returned, Claudia had cleared the table and was calmly watching television.
You certainly have nerves of steel!
You should be running armies.
Is it true youve no soul at all?
I always suspected you were cold and ruthless, but never to this extent, George said.
We met when I was twenty-eight, didnt we?
Well, my dear, my soul was crushed long before then.
I was a village girl, always dreaming of escaping to the city.
Thats why I studied so hard and got into the universitythe only one in my class to do so.
At seventeen, I met Victor.
I loved him deeply.
He was almost twelve years my senior, but that didnt bother me.
After a childhood of privation, everything in the city seemed magical.
My scholarship barely covered anything.
I was always hungry, so I happily accepted Victors offers to go out to cafés or share an ice cream.
He never promised me anything, but I was sure that our love meant hed make me his wife.
One evening, he invited me to his cottage.
I didnt hesitate.
I believed that after wed been together, hed be bound to me.
Our meetings at his cottage became regular.
Before long, it was clear I was expecting his child.
I told Victor.
He was overjoyed.
Since my condition would soon be obvious, I asked when we would marryI was already eighteen, eligible to register.
Did I ever promise marriage? he responded with another question.
I didnt promise, and I wont marry you.
Im already married, he said, not unkindly.
But what about the child?
Me?
Youre young and healthy.
You could pose for a Young Women with Oar statue.
Take academic leave at university.
No onell notice for now, keep studying, then well bring you to live with us.
My wife and I havent managed to have a childmaybe because shes much older.
When you deliver, well take the baby.
Details are not your concern.
Im well connected in the Council; my wife heads a department at the city hospital.
The child will be looked after.
You can recover and return to university.
Well pay you.
Back then, no one had heard of surrogate motherhood, but I suppose thats what I was, the only one around.
What else could I do?
Return to the village and bring shame on my family?
I stayed with them till the birth, in their grand house.
Victors wife never came near me, perhaps she was jealous.
I delivered the girl at home, with a midwife, properly arranged.
I didnt nurse her; they took her away at once.
I never saw her again.
A week later, they quietly sent me off; Victor handed me some money.
I went back to university, then found work at the factory.
They gave me a room in the married quarters.
I started as a basic supervisor, eventually became senior foreman.
I had plenty of friends, but no one proposed until you came along.
By then, I was twenty-eight, and while I wasnt desperate for marriage, it seemed necessary.
You know the rest.
We had a good lifechanged three cars, our home was stocked, the garden was always tidy.
Holidayed every year.
Our factory survived the tough nineties because we were the only ones making tractor components that mattered.
The rest, nobody knows.
Even now, the factory is surrounded by barbed wire and watchtowers.
We took early retirement and wanted for nothing.
No childrenand thats fine by me.
You see the sort these days Claudia finished her confession.
We did not live well at all.
I loved you, always tried to warm your heart, but never could.
Yes, there were no children, but you never spared a thought even for a stray kitten or puppy.
My sister asked if you could help her niece, but you wouldnt let her stay even for a week.
Today your daughter comes to see youyour own flesh and bloodand how did you treat her?
Daughter!
If only I were younger, Id file for divorce, but now its too late.
Its cold, living with you.
Cold, George replied angrily.
Claudia was a bit afraid; George had never spoken so harshly to her before.
Her tranquil life was entirely unsettled by the arrival of her daughter.
George moved to their country cottage.
Thats where hes spent the last several years.
He took in three dogs, all abandoned pups, and countless cats.
He rarely comes home; Claudia knows he visits her daughter Helen, befriended everyone there, and absolutely dotes on the great-granddaughter.
Hes always been soft-hearted, and remains so.
Let him live as he wishes, Claudia thinks.
Shes never felt compelled to get to know her daughter, grandson, or great-granddaughter.
Claudia travels to the seaside alone.
She rests, rejuvenates, and feels splendid.