— No one drove them away, — both parties replied, — yet they simply didn’t want to stay! Let them come! We’ll be delighted.

Sit down! Were not home! Peter said calmly.

Someones ringing! Milly froze, pulling herself up from the sofa.

Let them, Peter replied.

What if its someone important? Or business? Milly asked.

Its Saturday, the twelfth, Peter said. You didnt call anyone, Im not expecting anyone! Conclusion?

Ill just have a quick look through the peephole, Milly whispered.

Sit! his voice turned to steel. Were not home! Whoever it is, let them march back!

And you, do you know whos there? Milly demanded.

I guess, which is why Im telling you to sit and not flash the windows!

If its what I think, they wont just walk away! Milly shrugged.

It depends on how many doors we refuse to open for them, Peter answered placidly. Sooner or later theyll go.

In any case they wont spend the night in the hallway, and we have nowhere to be. So sit, grab the headphones, the phone, and watch a film.

Peter, my mums calling, Milly said, showing the screen.

So it must be your aunt standing at the door with her odd little boy, Peter concluded.

How do you know? Milly gasped.

If my cousin were there Peter let the e in cousin slip out softand a little grotesquemy mother would have called!

Dont you have any other guesses? Milly asked.

If its the neighbours, I have no desire to chat. If its friends, a few knocks would have sent them off already. Most decent people would ring ahead and ask if we could take them in, not bang on the door for half an hour!

Only our meddlesome relatives could be so brazen and relentless.

Peter, thats my aunt, Milly said plaintively. Mum sent a message asking where the devils have taken us. Aunt Natalie will stay a few days; she has business in town.

Tell her the city is full of hotels, Peter said with a grin.

Peter! Milly snapped. I cant write that!

I know, Peter mused. Write that were not home, were living in a hotel because the flat is infested with cockroaches!

Exactly! Milly typed and hit send.

My aunt wants us to book two rooms one for her and Kevin, Milly said, startled.

Write we have no money. Also say weve booked two beds in a hostel and fifteen strangers are sharing the room with us, Peter chuckled at his own ingenuity.

Mum asks when well be back, Milly looked at him.

Write in a week, Peter waved off.

The knocking stopped. The couple exhaled in relief.

Peter, mum wrote that aunt will arrive in a week, Milly said, voice drained.

And well be nowhere home again, Peter replied.

Peter, you realise thats not a solution. We cant keep running from them forever! What if they turn up on a weekday? What if they lurk by the door after work? Neither your cousin nor my aunt are that hardy!

Right, Peter sighed. Did the devil push us into buying a threebedroom flat?

Peter, we were buying it for our future big family, Milly said.

We need a child! Better two at once! Peter said seriously.

And Im not opposed, Milly retorted, irate. You know we need a checkup! Its not happening!

Just calm down and everything will be fine, Peter said gravely. Our nerves are twitching alternatelyyours, then mine! We should evict them all back to wherever they came from, because nothing works while theyre here!

Milly didnt argue. She knew Peter was right.

When they first planned to marry they had undergone exhaustive compatibility and genetic screening, even fertility tests.

Everything was wonderful after the wedding, but the question of children was put on hold while they saved for a flat.

Inheritance was a pipe dream. Before the wedding both Peter and Milly lived with their mothers in onebedroom flats, relying only on themselves.

Five years of hard work and scrimping finally bought them a spacious twobedroom terrace house. It was a secondarymarket property, not new, but they poured money into renovations and bought furniture almost from scratch. How happy they were!

They hadnt even celebrated the housewarming when Aunt Natalie appeared on the doorstep with her son. To make things more crowded, Aunt Natalie was accompanied by her motherinlaw.

Dont worry, theres plenty of room! Not like us squeezing into one room, Aunt Natalie said cheerfully. Well put Kevin and his son in separate rooms!

We dont sleep in the hall, Peter replied. Thats a lounge for us!

Im not here to work, Aunt Natalie laughed. Milly, tell your husband its uncomfortable for me and my son; he snores! And you havent even set the table yet!

We werent expecting you, Milly stammered.

And the fridge is empty, Peter added.

Exactly as it should be, Aunt Natalie said warmly. Peter, run to the shop, and Millydash to the kitchen!

Whats with the silence? the motherinlaw shouted. Youre actually hosting guests!

You didnt even knock Peter shouted, but Milly dragged him into another room.

When Peter finally pulled Millys hand away from her mouth he asked:

Milly, has anyone mixed anything up? Ill throw them out with your mothermeaning both of them! If theyre guests, behave like guests! What is this? he fumed.

Peter, shes simple country folk! Its how they are!

I know country people, but rudeness isnt accepted anywhere! Thats exactly it!

Darling, lets not argue with mum and aunt! Theyll drain every nerve we have! Youll become their enemy! Do you want that?

I dont care what I become to them! If they treat me like this, Ill simply ignore them forever. Let them vanish, I wont mourn.

Peter, love! Have mercy on me! If we kick Aunt Natalie out now, mum will curse me, and I have no one else but her!

That swayed him. Peter clenched his teeth and went to the shop.

Aunt Natalie lingered for three days as if shed planned a twoweek stay. By the second evening Peter was already halfasleep on a valerian pillow.

When Aunt Natalie and her son finally left, the young couple celebrated with brooms and mops, scrubbing the flat for three days.

Later the same scenario repeated, but from the opposite side.

Brother, Im only staying a short while, David embraced his sibling, the sound of bones creaking. Well sort the business and then head back!

Cant you handle it alone? Peter asked.

What? I have a family! How can I leave them in the village while I go to the city? Think, David! he laughed. If I find adventures, my wife will keep me in check!

So you dragged the kids along? Peter asked.

Who will I leave them with? David smacked Peters back. They can entertain themselves! Lets relive our youthful escapades in this little town!

David! Sophie screamed. Ill teach you a lesson youll never forget!

An hour and a half after Davids arrival with his family, Milly was clutching a throbbing headache.

The children ran through the flat, shrieking. Sophie could only shriek; she couldnt form a sentence.

David kept darting off to light a fire, which only made Sophie shriek louder.

Peter, youre supposedly my mothers only son, Milly whispered, pressing her face into a pillow.

Its a cousin on my mothers side, Peter muttered. I call him my cousin.

Call him whatever you like, but can you ask him to leave? Milly pleaded.

You know, Id love to, Peter said, hand over his heart, but its the same mess as with your aunt. My mother will later pull my brain out with a teaspoon and force me to eat it!

Before they could finish one visit, new guests appeared at the door. Aunt Natalie and her son kept popping up with city errands.

Cousin David with his family would periodically drop by to sort business. Mothers never forgot their kids. Motherinlaw would extract the soninlaws brain; motherinlaw would nibble at the daughterinlaws.

The endless nervousness eroded the young couples mental health.

Of course, children could not be discussed on such a carousel of endless guests. Their health was already poor, and the practical question remained: how?

Shall we swap flats? Milly suggested.

For softer rooms? Peter smiled. Theyll give us those soon enough!

No, Milly smiled faintly. Lets exchange our flat for an identical one! There are people who want to move to another neighbourhood. Well go, and no one will know where we end up!

A classic postponement, Peter snorted. My cousin and your aunt will find new tenants wholl confess where the flat was. Theyll track us down and hang us for these tricks!

Maybe well have time to have a child? Milly asked hopefully.

We need not only to make one, but to bring it into the world. Thatll at least give us a reason, Peter shook his head.

Even if you move out of the flat, lets ask friends for a place to hide! Milly said.

You mean Val and Kate? Peter asked.

Yes, Milly nodded. They have a spare room!

Theres Teresa living there, remember?

Better I live with a shepherd than with our relatives! Milly sagged, head down.

Stop! Peter shouted, snatching his phone.

Val, lend us a dog!

Oh, mate! Im forever in your debt! Kat and I want a holiday but cant leave the girl alone. She hates strangers but knows and respects you! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowls! Ill even pay! Val shouted into the receiver.

Great, the dogs coming! Peter beamed.

He returned to Milly, sunlight spilling over him like a morning glow.

Call mum, let her know aunt arrives tomorrow! Ill ring my brother so hell drop by next week!

You sure about that? Milly asked.

Well gladly welcome them! Whos to blame if they dont like our place?

Cousin David and his family needed only a single yes to book a comfy hotel.

Aunt Natalie insisted on her right to stay as a guest.

Lock that beast somewhere! she warned, shielding her little son.

Dear Aunt Natalie, are you joking? Fortyfive kilos of pure muscle! Thats not a lapdog, thats a German Shepherd! It can tear any door down!

Why is it snarling at me? Aunt Natalies voice trembled.

She doesnt like strangers, Milly shrugged.

Get rid of it! I cant live in one flat with that animal!

How can we get rid of it? Peter protested. That sweet pooch is now ours! We have no children yet, but we must love something, and we love her dearly!

We wont abandon her! Milly added.

Later both mums called, asking why theyd turned away relatives.

No one chased them away, both answered, they simply chose not to stay! Come on over, well be happy!

And the dog?

Mum, were not refusing anyone!

And suddenly the mums stopped rushing to visit.

A month later Tara returned to her owners, but was ready to come back at the first summons. It never happened. Milly waited for a twin.

If you enjoy these odd little tales, drop a comment and a like. It keeps us writing.