Cockroaches

Cockroaches

The cockroaches in Emily’s head were dancing the jigan upbeat, riotous romp. Their whimsically twirling antennae kept time to the crescendo of music that thrummed steadily louder inside her mind.

Truth be told, Emily’s cockroaches were usually docile sorts. Quiet, unobtrusive, almost pedigreed. Shed spent ages, and no small amount of cunning, perfecting their lineher natural supply, admittedly, being rather thin.

Grandma always insisted cockroaches in the head were a good sign. Anyone with a few critters up there, she claimed, was bound to be an original, someone with a healthy spark about them. Their sort lived life with colourhalf for their own amusement, half for those around them. A bit of gusto was desperately needed in daily life.

That word “gusto” wasnt Emily’s invention; Grandma herself was surprisingly with-it, tossing out snappy modern lingo with relish. Even at eighty-odd, she was pretty spry. Technically, she was Emilys great-grandmother, having outlived her own daughter for yearsthough nobody fussed over titles. Grandma was family, full stop. Extra prefixes didnt matter.

Emily adored her grandma. Who else was so close? Her mother didnt count.

Emilys mum? What a characterbrilliant and beautiful, and no less than the headteacher! Not at Emilys own school, thank goodness, for which credit was due to Grandma. Shed put her foot down: Why force your problems on the child?

What do you mean? her mother asked.

I mean, there shell just be a pupil. At yours, shes the headteacher’s daughter. Dont saddle her with that. Reputations worth havingeasy to lose, hard to win. Youre old enough to get this by now!

Grandma never minced words; she laid out the facts, believing honesty to be best. Emily never knew the full family backstory, but she saw the result: Grandma had raised Mum since five, ever since tragedy took her mother. Neither liked to revisit those days.

It was an accident, Emily. A daft one, Grandma once said, almost in a whisper. An iciclesomebodys carelessness, a roof not cleared. Just like that, a life lost. Luckily, only one. Your mum was walking beside her. Only because Annie pushed her aside am I not alone in this world.

Gran, could that kind of accident happen to anyone? Emily inquired.

Shall I lie?

Please dont!

It could happen to me, you, even the Pope. Doesnt mean you should fear it, though.

So what then? Whats it meant to tell us?

It means, live! Live each minute as if its your last. Give the world somethingmaybe even something extraordinary!not because you expect anything back, but because it makes the world better. Brighter. Theres enough darkness without us adding to it.

Thats easy to say, Gran. Doing it is different. I know that much.

And Im glad you do. It means your cockroaches are growing up smart!

Whos growing? Gran, pleasedont say its the cockroaches!

Emily hated actual insects. Butterflies and bees she could tolerateeven found them cute. But those scurrying things on spindly legs? Utterly revolting.

Argh! Gran, theres a cockroach!

Leave it be! Might have little ones! Then, quite the opposite, Grandma dispatched the intruder with her slipper and scanned the room for signs of more.

But Granyou said it had little ones!

Did I? Well, now Im curious where!

A vigorous cleaning always followed, much to Emilys dread; the cockroachs offspring never stood a chance. It dawned on Emily, as she grew older: Gran was soft on her. She knew Emily could shriek to high heaven but struggled with action. By the time she acted, the cockroach would have grandkids.

Everyone knew of Emilys hesitancygran, the PE teachers, the lot.

Your Emily should try something different, advised her gymnastics coach. Shes got the flexibility, natural gifts, but thinks slowly. If quick decisions are needed, thats dangerous. Please consider it.

I will, Grandma replied coolly, signing Emily up for chess club the next day.

Chess suited Emily perfectly: no rush, no pressure, only praise for her careful thought. She thrived, and Gran wore her latest tournament trophy through the corridors so all the neighbours might see.

Annie, youre my bright star! Gran would declare.

Gran, youre frightening me, Emily replied, wryly.

And whys that?

Because I remember you telling Mum its the stars who never find happiness. I dont want that kind of star power!

Youve got it all wrong!

Then explain. Im still a child, you know.

Gran did explain, always thoroughly and warmlyif not always as Mum would wish.

Mum, what did you tell Emily now? Shes asking what in the family way meanswhy would you mention that at her age? Shes thirteen!

And why not? Kids grow up fast these days. You should hear what goes on in her class. The romances! I feel like some Victorian debutanteand Ive been married thrice! She learns quickly, listens wellbe glad for it.

She asks strange questions, Mum. How am I supposed to respond?

Like I did with you. Remember?

You never hid anything from me. Why?

Because lifes slaps sting worse if unprepared. Id rather she hears it from me than learns it the hard way. I prepared you, and you still had Emily at nineteenunwed! What good was that?

Mum!

Oh dont fuss. Love, familywho knows how itll turn out? All that matters is, we have Annie now. Only worry is youre alone. Smart, beautiful, but no personal life. That worries me, Lizzie.

Gran, dont start.

“I wont, if youll stop finding fault with yourself. One mistake is no reason to give up.

Im not! And Emily isnt a mistake!

Didnt say she wasjust your head over heels moment. Remember when you left home? I searched the city for a fortnight.

I remember. And when you found me, not a word of reproach. You brought your cabbage pie, just like nothing happened. Gran, I love you.

I know! Dont distract meIm still raising our child!

Ill stop

It turned out Mum did find her own happiness eventually. Emily was just sixteen when Elizabeth grew brave enough to share that shed found someonea relationship more than just weekends. Emily found out herself, happening upon her mum and a stranger holding hands in a café, her mother beaming a rare, almost unrecognisable smile. At first stunned, on her way home, Emily realised something: her mother was still so young.

Gran, did you know Mum was seeing someone?

Id guessed.

I dont want to get in her way.

So dont. Whats the problem?

And what if he hurts her?

Gran, rolling pastry for pasties in the kitchen, shook off her floury hands and pulled Emily in for a squeeze.

Whos going to let him? Our Lizzies got people in her corner.

Emily trusted her. Gran might now be a kindly old lady baking pasties, but once shed been a detectivecaught two serial cases. Not only did cockroaches dance right in her head, but the connections shed kept still walked her street. Emily was quite sure Gran knew far more about Mums suitor than she was letting on, and the absence of that tell-tale wrinkle on her forehead meant all was well. Still, letting someone new in? That was hard.

But they all had to. Andrew Thomas, as her mums suitor was named, was soon formally introduced at homeand not just as an acquaintance, but to ask for Mums hand. Emily had to nod her blessing; the warmth in Andrews voice was genuine, and the habitual crease on Mums brow vanished, replaced with the far-off look of happiness.

Jealousy didnt cut loose quickly for Emily, especially when her baby brother arrived. Mum blossomed again, and Emily let Gran hear all about it.

Oh, we failed you, love. Should have given you a good hiding more often! Gran scolded sharply.

Gran! Whats with you?

I never thought youd be so selfish! When you wouldnt move home to your mothers, I thought you understoodtheyre newlyweds, after all. I was proud. I thought youd grown up! Seems I was mistakenoh, Im ageing

Gran! Im not against it. Its just

Just hard, because Mums attention will go to the little boy? Emily, do you realisenow you arent alone! Neither I nor your mother are going to be around forever. Now, I can rest easy. Have you thought about that side of things?

I have, Emily snapped. But

Still hard?

Yes. Why am I so wrong, Gran?

Theres nothing wrong with you! Youve just grown used to Mum being all yours. Now you have to share. Thats all.

Perhaps

Then dont divide her up! No ones asking you to live with them. Pop round after studies, help outget your dose of love and attention. Taking is easy. Givingthats the challenge. Loves all about that. The more you give, the more you get. Or do you doubt your mother loves you?

Never!

Then put those cockroaches on a leash! In a year or two, youll be courting and bringing grandchildren home yourself. Time to grow up, Annie.

Hardly what Emily wanted to hear; she had plenty to juggle alreadyexams, university plans, andby then, shed met Dennis. Not as a boyfriend yetfar from it! Emily and the lanky nerd from the year above were at odds.

Theyd first collided on the school stairs before assembly. All dolled up, Emily was hurrying to collect the ceremony script from the deputy head when she tripped and twisted her ankle. Dennis, whose name she didnt even know, handed back her bag.

You really ought to take care, he grumbled.

Oh, marvellous! You think? A bit of help would be better!

I am helping. You arent making sense.

Infuriating! Emily limped off without his help, but Dennis followed, depositing her bag and offering to escort her to the nurse.

I can manage! Off you go! snapped Emily.

Unbothered, Dennis left, while the deputy head tutted sympathetically.

Emily, why were you like that? Dennis is a delightful boytop student, aspiring doctor, too, like you. Whats your issue?

Nothing muttered Emily, but made a mental note.

A future doctor, was he? Well see.

Emily never dwelled much on career plans. Paediatrics struck her as challenging and importantjust her thing! She loved puzzles, especially tricky ones. Like the knotty case of her brother, Alexa noisy, spirited, and affectionate boy. Hed quickly learned to recognise Emily, and would cry if she didnt visit. Now Mums new home had a spare room for Emily to visit and help.

But really, Emilys help was for herself.

Whenever Emily held her brother, she sensed something was missing. She loved him, certainly, but admitting so was hard. No advice, nor gentle prompting from Mum or Gran, could crack her walls.

Problems piled upeach new worry celebrated by the cockroaches dancing their relentless jigs. So, Emily had to do some work on herself. With her brother, things resolved soon enough; its hard not to love someone who adores you. The rest, though, took longer.

It was little Alex who made Emily rethink her ambitions.

Gran, if I dont love children, I shouldnt become a paediatrician, right?

What makes you think you dislike all children?

Im not sure

Youre overthinking it, Annie.

Maybe. But its worth questioning. What if I turn out a grumpy doctor?

Now, youre talking sense. We dont want cross doctors with children. So, youd better figure yourself out quickly.

How?

Ill think about it.

Emily trusted her grans creativity. Soon enough, Gran sent her for experience: live-in help for one of her old friends, Veraa woman with a bustling household and a swarm of children.

But Gran, how do you know these people?

For a moment, Gran was silent. Pouring herself a glass of water, she gazed out of the window, then turned to Emily, somber.

Theyre my biggest mistakeVeras family. Years back, Vera reported her stepfather, sure hed done away with her mum. Her mother had been missing for three months, and Vera, the eldest, was left caring for the little ones. The stepfather swore shed just run off, as shed done before, sometimes bringing back a new baby. Only one of her children was definitely hisand even that was debatable.

Why stay with her if she cheated on him?

Who can say? Every family has its secrets. I only got nosy after Veras stepfather attacked hertried making her his substitute, as her mother wasnt found. Vera fought him off; her younger brother sensed things were amiss, demanded she sleep near him at night. Hard life, Annie. Vera had a boyfriend, managed to get help from his familylovely people. The boys mother pushed Veras case to the authorities. They finally listened, found Veras mother and others lost to the same man. Had we responded sooner, another woman would still be alive

Thats why you called it your mistake?

Yes. Veras stepfather was a monstershe knew and couldnt reach us. Were it not for her boyfriends family, hed have carried on. He never faced trialtook matters into his own hands, realising what awaited him.

So what became of Vera?

Shes a marvel. Raised her brothers wellones an engineer, one in the Army. Shes got three kids herself, now grandkids too, struggling to manage. Ever since, Ive kept an eye on her. Shes grown wise, Anniewiser than Ill ever be. Thats why Im sending you. See if youre cut out to handle a troop of children.

Emily flourished in Veras household, quickly finding her footing. The swarm of kids was demanding but fun. For the first time, Emily was sure shed picked the right career and doubled down on her studies.

She made it into university, though not as high scoring as she hoped. Imagine her surprise when Dennis appeared in the university corridor.

Oh, youre here, too.

His nonchalance got under her skin.

Of course I am. And you?

Im studying.

Only later did Emily realise Dennis was a man of few wordsnever wasted a breath. For a year, they crossed paths in halls and coffee shops. Unfazed by Emilys chilly stares, he’d nod at her politely.

He finally took notice when Emily joined a student group visiting children in hospital. She was busy donning a ridiculous orange wig before a clown performance when Dennis drawled,

Well, I certainly didnt expect to find you here. Lost, are you?

That day, children howled with laughter at their antics, oblivious to the sparks between the clowns. Emily, playfully shoving her co-host, suddenly realised she wasnt the least bit angry with Dennis anymore. He lifted children into the air, made them balloon animals, and hugged anyone who needed one. After the show, he lingered a moment and handed Emily a balloon flower.

There you are. You did brilliantly! It was a pleasure working with you.

Thanks Emily took the flower.

Heading home? Or will you let me treat you to a coffee?

Why are you so cheeky? Emily twirled the balloon and smiled. Alright, Ill allow it.

Lets go, then. I know a good place not far. But I only have an hourtutoring after, you see.

Who?

I tutor for extra cash.

Thats how Emily learned Dennis lived with his mother, earning money to help her. And soon enough, she realised the cockroaches in Denniss head were the same breed as hersa fact that sealed everything. Grandma had always said,

Cherish the ones whose cockroaches match yours. There arent many. If you meet such a person, hold on tight! Theyre rare, love.

Gran, did you ever find someone like that?

Of course! All three of my husbands were devotees of my special breed. And their own werent half bad.

Then why did you part ways with them?

Thats a story for another day, Annie. Not for nowlet your cockroaches figure it out firsthand. Just know, I didnt split due to lack of love. You know Im on good terms with them all. Were all good people. It just didnt work out. When youre older, Ill tell you the lot.

I think I understand.

Good. And I like your Dennis! Fine ladalmost as fine as you.

Why almost?

Because he puts up with you!

Oh, Gran! Emily laughed.

What? Its true. Has he proposed yet?

Not yet

Well, brace yourself, then. I suspect its coming. Annie, how do you feel about him?

I think I love him

Thats my girl! Time to start knitting those slippers.

Gran!

Whats the fuss? Im rooting for you. Lifes short, child. But Im in no hurry to leave it! Ill wait to meet your children first.

Whose children, Gran? Were not even married yet!

You will be, mark my words!

Now, Emilys cockroaches really did the jig

Because Gran was rightDennis did propose, in true fashion, with a ring and all the trimmings.

Mum wept with joy as Dennis slipped the ring onto Emilys finger, Gran clapped till her hands ached, and Vera arrived with her entire brood, crying and laughing in turn. She whispered to Emily,

Hes a good man, Annie. Dont let him go.

I havent got a choice, Aunt Vera. Even if I tried.

How so?

Our cockroaches are the same breed. Gran says you cant let such people go. You might never find another.

So thats it! Vera laughed, making the little candle dance with her fingersthe very signal Emily felt inside every time her thoughts whirled. Now were talking! Congratulations, my dear. With people like this, Im not worried in the least. Now, if youll excuse me

Where are you off to?

To hug your Gran. And Dennis, too! With people like you, were sure to get along wonderfully!

So, the lesson Ive finally learnedwith a little help from my Gran, my family, and most of all, my peculiar troupe of cockroachesis that theres beauty and kinship in embracing ones oddities, especially those danced out in good company. And if youre lucky enough to find a soul whose quirks match your own, never let them go. Thats family, after all.