Bananas for Grandma

– And dont forget the bananas for Granny Rose! Only get the little ones, you know she likes them small! Last time you brought something I cant even describe! Emily! How could you? Is it really so hard to do what I ask?

Emily Jane Thompson, head accountant at a large firm, mother of two, and a fairly contented wife, let out a sigh and nodded absentmindedly into the nothingnessnever mind that her mum couldnt see her now. It was enough for Emily to know her mum would sense exactly how shed responded to another list of instructions.

– Dont bother nodding, just do it! I know you! Your heads always in the clouds! Emily, honestly, its time you grew up!

Emily didnt nod again. She simply replied, Alright, I will! and hung up on her mum.

Grow up Sure. Whatever you say. Forty with a bit extraperhaps not quite enough for adulthood, really.

With half an hour left of her work day, Emily tried to focus on her report. Not very successfully. Thoughtsmostly unpleasant, if she was honestkept flitting through her mind. Even though she was, as her mum used to say, a good girl.

– My darling Emily, ever so clever! A lovely girl!

It was sweet, back when Emily wore ribbons and frilly skirts and went off to nurseryher mums little angel. Or so people thought.

Angel, right! A right little mischief-maker, actually. Because her mum would pick up, not a sweet little doll, but someone who looked like shed waged war on the playground.

– Emily! What is that on your head?

– A nest! Thats what Mrs. Higgins said. She told me to stand still on the playground, so birds might come lay eggs in itmight as well get some use from my hair!

– And where are your ribbons?

– Dont remember! Jack took one for his toy ships anchor. Oh, Mum! Did you know hes got a real ship? His dad made it. Mrs. Higgins showed us todayshe put it in a washing-up bowl and it actually floated. It was brilliant!

– And the other ribbon?

– No idea. Sophie wanted it. Gave it to her. Mum, why is the wind always blowing?

– Emily!

– What?!

– Enough with the silly questions! My head is pounding!

Emily would fall silent, trailing beside her mum and peeking at her sideways all the way home. Could her mum really be in pain? What if her mums head never got better and shed have to throw it away, like the eggshells she hurled into the bin during a fry-up?

Emilys imagination was always a bit too much for her own good, and before theyd even made it halfway home, shed be sniffing and then blubbering in a low, miserable wail, to the utter exasperation of her mother.

– Emily! Whats with this performance?!

Emily couldnt explain. She just felt so fiercely sorry for her mum, her headache, her bad mood, that she could only cry louder, like next doors mutt, Poppy.

Poppy was a truly daft dog. Shed howl for any old reason but held a proper wake whenever her owner, Uncle Simon the local handyman, went off on a bender. Then Poppy would howl for days on end, driving every neighbour mad and sending all the children in number 6, Rosemary Lane, begging their parents to rescue her. The adults would grumble, summon the community officer, but Poppy always stayed put. She only ever went quiet oncemid-wail, in the middle of one of Simons epic disappearances, and everyone at home knew at once that trouble had struck.

Uncle Simon got a proper send-off from the whole street. He was a good man, always there if you needed him. Just weak-willed, as Emilys mother used to say.

That day, Poppy walked out the front, plonked herself on the doorstep and just sat, watching the people leaving flowers along the path. She didnt howl. Emily, kept home from nursery because her mum was taking her to the dentist, stroked the dog, but Poppy didnt so much as wag her stumpy tail. Usually, shed respond to any affection. Emilys mum tugged her away, and they went off; when they got back from the dentist, Poppy still sat right there, not shifting or tucking her cold paws beneath her, and Emily was certaincross her belly with a finger just like Jack taught herthat the little dog was crying.

– Mum, why cant I see her tears?

What was hidden in such a simple question? Emily didnt know then. But her mum flinched, looked at Poppy, went over, and crouched beside her, stretching out a gentle hand:

– Poppy Sweet Poppy Come with us. He wont be coming back

Whether the dog understood or not, Emily never knew. Her mum, not waiting for Poppys answer, simply scooped her up and said,

– Lets go. We need to sort her out.

And so Poppy became Emilys dog. She lived a very long life. Emily never knew how old the dog was when Simon shuffled off, but with their family, Poppy lasted another seventeen years. Emily finished school, even got married, and never once heard Poppy howl again. The dog ate, let them wash her paws, went on walks with Emily or her parents, but never made a sound. Even when she left this world, heading where her old master waited, she just let out a sighalmost human in its wearinessand closed her eyes, nose pressed into Emilys tear-soaked palm. Emily never got another dog. Even when her children pleaded for a puppy, she couldnt bring herself to get one, remembering the strangely wise, sorrowful gaze in Poppys eyes.

All in all, Emily was a happy child. She had everything to bring her joymum, dad, two grannies, a rabbit missing one ear, and pancakes with clotted cream at weekends. There was also Granny Olives cottage, her dads mum, which she rarely visited with her mother. Why was that? Emily didnt understand at the timeit was a secret, and secrets, of course, are never toldcertainly not to children. The cottage was fun for everyone except Emilys mum, though she didnt realise it then.

She had holidays by the seaside with her other granGranny Roseher favourite, since Granny Rose spent all her spare time with Emily. Unlike Granny Olive, nothing was off limits for Granny Rose, whod answer any question, much to the dismay of Emilys mum.

– Oh for heavens sake, Mum! Why?! Shes just a child! She wont understand anyway!

– You werent a silly child. You understood, and Emilys a chip off the old block!

Emily would giggle helplessly watching her mum get flustered, not knowing what to reply, and all the while Emily thought she hadnt understood half of what Granny told her about how babies came about. But it was so fascinating, she was sure shed ask more next timemaybe why grown-ups didnt always tell children the truth.

She had good reason to wonder, even then.

The adults always tried to keep the grown-up dramas hidden from Emily. Why should a child hear squabbles? But now and again, whispers would slip through the bedroom door, followed by her mothers quiet tears. When Granny Olive welcomed Emily to her cottage, shed purse her lips and look past her daughter-in-law. Emily didnt understand any of it and would drag her mum into the kitchen where Granny baked her infamous cherry pie.

– Mum, come on! Grannyll show you how to make it. Then you can bake it at home too! Its so yummy, and you dont know how!

Her mum would drop Emilys hand and shake her head:

– No

Of course, no one rushed to explain to Emily what was happening. They tried to keep up appearances. Emily would eventually learnthings were complicated. Just because people became relatives didnt mean theyd grown close.

Her parents divorced when she was ten.

The birthday party her mum organised for Emily and her friends was in full swing when the front door slammed, and catching Emilys startled look, her mum said quietly,

– Thats that

Poppy, far quicker on the uptake than Emily, padded to her mother and pressed herself against her legs in comfort. One of Emilys mates called her away, and off she dashed to the living room, shouting about the cake. When she snuck back to fetch her mum, she saw the dog and her mother side by side, staring at nothing, lost in separate thoughts. To Emilys tentative, Mum? her mother started, looked strict and said:

– Of course! Ill bring the cake now. Go join your friends.

A moment later, Emily saw her mum in the doorwaysmiling, holding the cake shed spent half the night baking, hoping for once to be recognised for her baking skills.

After the guests left, Emily sat by her mum, who handed her a serving spoon:

– Good cake, right? It had better be! Never mind diets, Emily! And never mind the rest, tooone day itll be our turn to celebrate!

What celebration her mum meant, Emily never knew. Nor did it become clear later. On her fathers maintenancebarely enough to buy clothes for her ever-growing teenagerlife became less filled with celebrations. Only New Year and Emilys birthday remained constant. Her mother never celebrated her own birthday from then on.

Granny Rose was quite unbothered by Emilys listening ears and kept going on about how her daughter should find herself a proper man. But Emily could see these talks only upset her mum. Her only response was ever:

– Ive had enough. Thats it for me.

When Emily was older, she often wondered what might have happened if her mum hadnt given up on the idea of romance? If shed allowed herself to find someone new, to be happy again? Emily would imagine having a brother or sister, or her mum laughing instead of complaining about headaches.

But in truth, her mum forgot how to laugh. She became more stern, and it took all Emilys effort not to snap in return. Shed done it plenty as a teen, but every time, Poppy would appear, flashing those little teethenough to cut off any brewing argument and see Emily dash off to her room or to Grannys.

Poppy could bite painfullyEmily knew firsthand. Just once, after a particularly loud bust-up, Poppy came into her room and nipped her ankle. Emily howled, Poppy let go and walked out calmly. The bruises faded, but Emily remembered the lessonbest not argue with those who know whats what for dogs or children.

It was Granny who explained her mums behaviour best to Emily, always blunt in answering her endless questions.

– What do you expect? Anyone would get moody with no love in their life.

– But we love her, dont we?

– Oh, Em, its not the same! A woman needs to feel like a woman. Thats something neither children nor parents can give her. Only a man beside her. You dont understand yet. But I do. When your granddad died, I was only forty. Too soon! I still had other flings, you know. Why laugh? I wasnt always like you see me now. Oh, how I loved your grandad. Still do. Couldnt imagine anyone else by me. Sure, a bunch of flowers is one thing, dinners another, but waking up side by side every daythats something different. Youll see, once youre married yourself. With your ways, it wont be long now.

– Granny, Im sixteen!

– And? Your mum was barely eighteen when she came home and said shed met your dad and couldnt live without him. Whether he could live without her was no concern. Some would say she fell hard, but I saw itshe truly loved him. She knew herself, even at that age. She knew itd be toughhis parents never accepted her, and he was always the golden boy. But she made it work, until

– Until what?

– Until he was unfaithful. Sorry to be franksooner or later youd find out, better from me. You need to know how much your mum went through. Hurts, when someone rips your soul apart with contempt and bad advice. When people say you didnt give enough or love enough. I only tell you this so you dont hate your dadno use in that. Everyone deserves to live as they choose. Why spend life hating and lying? He chose his path. You know hes happy now. Be glad for him, strange as that sounds. Youre made of both your mum and your dad. You cant just erase one half.

– Mum never said a bad word about Dad.

– And she wont. Shes sensible. She knows hell always be your father, and you, his girl. Why make it hard?

– Does she still love him?

– I think so. Thats why she wont change a thing.

– Granny, do you think I will you know love someone like that, once and for all?

– Who knows, darling? I can only wish you find someone worthy of that love.

Emily met her husband, David, just like her gran said. She rushed down the corridor on her way to her first university exam, ploughed into a tall, awkward-looking blokeno time to see his face, but she noticed good reflexes. He caught her before she hit the floor, grinning in his still-breaking, cocky voice,

– Youre so speedyIll never keep up! Quickly, give me your number before you zoom off again!

She didnt, of course, but she wasnt surprised when she came out, exam finished, to find him waiting.

– Not racing off now, are you?

They married three years later. Lived with her mum at first, though Emily knew that couldnt last.

It was hard. Her mum didnt take to David. Thought he wasnt good enough.

– What sort of job is software engineer anyway? Sits at a screen chewing all day. Soon hell look like a baby elephant next to you.

– Oh, Mum, stop it. Its just a sandwich.

– I just worry for you. Youll be miserable

David had to work hard to win his mother-in-law over, but after ten years, she finally acknowledged he was a diamond.

By that time, Emily and David lived in their own small two-bedroom flat. David pretty much lived at the office, starting up his new business. Emily dashed between property showings, learning that estate agents lived on their feet. Granny or Great-Granny took turns with their firstborn, and Emily was beyond grateful for their health and wits.

Signs things were amiss appeared just as Emily was expecting her second.

– Emily, who do you think you are, vanishing for an hour! I have so much to do! her mum fussed, ladling out her son-in-laws favourite spinach soup. Im off! Next time, plan your timeand mine!

Emily, baffled, watched her mum bustle about and suddenly felt real fear. The doctors appointment had taken only the planned hourless, even, as the surgery was only in the next street. But her mum was convinced it was the wrong day. That morning, her mum had turned up, cooked enough for an army, and now scolded Emily for being absentalthough she hadnt actually set foot outside.

Her mum flatly refused a check-up, no matter what Emily said.

– What nonsense! Im as fit as a fiddle! If youre worried, fuss about Granny. Shes the one who needs doctors.

Emily, after talking to David, decided to go round itfound a good doctor through her dad, who agreed to make a house call.

– I cant give you good news. She needs proper assessments, but even now I see tough times ahead.

Emily listened, numb with fear. Her mum? Impossible! Shes so young. Where had this illness come from?

– There are many possible reasons. Would knowing them all make it easier? Better to focus on minimising the fallout.

– Is that possible?

– Medicines come far, but no miracles yet. We can slow things down and buy time. By then who knows? Maybe a new treatment.

That day, Emily knewlife would change forever. Unwelcome changes, but no avoiding them. Of all people, her mum was closest. Yes, there was David, the kids, gran, and her father, but mum was mum. Emilys job was to give her mother as much peace and comfort as possible. The doctor said avoiding stress was medicine too.

Emily winced to remember convincing her mother to move in with them. David had worked wonders and the cottage shed found was quickly bought, even if it meant going into debt.

– Well manage. At least well all be together and youll be at ease.

Emily pressed her face into his shoulder and thought shed never feel at ease again in her life.

She was right.

Her mum kept forgetting she lived with them, always threatening to go home.

– Mum, your rooms just down the hall.

– Why do I need a guest room? I have my own house!

– Of course, but I really need your help with the boys tomorrow. And Grannys not well. Please stay, wont you?

– Fine. But this isnt forever. I do have my own life!

– Of course I know, Mum.

– Oh, what do you know, Emily, at your age!

If not for Granny, who helped with her mum, Emily felt shed have cracked long before she learnt to live with this new reality.

– Gran, does she really remember nothing?

– Not nothing, Emily. She remembers plenty, mostly from long ago. Sometimes things Id forgotten. Now I see how much time I missed with her growing up. Working, chores, homework, then bedtime for the child. I truly became a mother with you. You were the first I raised myself, kept and cherished. Your mum shes my sorrow. How I wish I could claw back even a bit of lost time. It almost feels like all of this is so shell forgive me. Or your father. All our difficult life. She complains, but its all bluster. When your mum looks at me strangely, trying to recall who I am, I know shes not hurting anymore. She even smiles. Its scary, love But also right. Any mother wants her child to be happy, even for a moment. And just then, I know she is. Shes young, healthy, with all life aheadlove, you, and sorrows she doesnt yet know. Oh God, how do you bear it, Emily?

– I dont know, Gran I dont

Emily saw how hard it was for her gran, realising her only child was slipping away into a world where no one could follow, not even someone who loved them utterly. Time after time, finding her mum on the floor, sitting by Granny in her chair, Emily whispered quietly,

– Shall I take her to her room?

– No. Leave her it wont last long

Granny died just a year after Emilys world truly changed.

– Look after her, Emily! Cherish her! I cant any longer

Emily would nod, biting her lip, desperate not to show her frail gran how terrified she was to be left alone with all that was coming.

– Dont think of her as your mum anymore. They say old age is a second childhood, and its true. Children feel with their hearts, not their heads. Everythings in the moment, pure emotion. Please, treat her like a child now, in my place. Be gentle. If you need to cry in despair, do it! But not where she can hear, alright? Dont frighten her. And when youre done, remember this, and cherish her. Just as youll want your children to cherish you. Promise!

– I promise

How many more times would Emily remember that conversation? She couldnt count them. Even now.

She glanced at her watch, sighed and reached for her bag. Purse, car keys, umbrellaready. Time to pick up the eldest from football, collect the youngest from school, and thento the shop for bananas. The same little ones. Just as Granny always liked.

Because when her mum saw them, shed believe, just for a moment, that Granny was still alive. That all it would take was a walk down the corridor, ignoring the carers raised eyebrows, to open the living room door and see the old armchair that didnt match at all, but would stay in that room forever. And to mutter,

– Emily! You could at least clean the upholstery! How many times must I tell you? Did you buy the bananas? Granny will be round soon. She asked for them.

– Of course, Mum! Sit down, Ill make you some tea.

There would be someone in that chair, and there would still be timeto nestle her cheek in those familiar hands, catch a strict, loving gaze, and smile at,

– Emily, what have you done to your hair? Wheres your brush? Bring it here, Ill do your hair! Goodness, its late Time for bed! What do you want for breakfast tomorrowporridge or pancakes?