An Expensive Indulgence

An Expensive Pleasure

Clara, again? Really? I seem to work just to keep your cat in luxury!

The cat that Clara was trying to coax into the carrier wriggled free of her grip, tumbled to the hallway floor, then wedged himself into the corner, howling in a low, guttural wail. Judging by his expression, the cat to whom Clara had once given the dignified name of Mr. Chivers was determined to make his rather pointless (in my eyes) life count for every last penny.

A long time agobecause Chivvy, as Clara affectionately called him, had been with her for around ten years alreadyshed found him on the street. Not as a kitten, mind you; even then, he was a grown, if young, cat, as the vet in Sheffield told Claras mum.

That day, DianaClaras motherhad rushed to the veterinary surgery, clutching her shivering cat in an old, threadbare baby blanket.

Pleasesave him!

And where did you find this fright? the young woman at the reception desk grimaced. Hes clearly a stray.

What difference does it make what he looks like? Hes my cat! Just help him. You can see hes suffering! Are you waiting for someone with a pedigree to come through the door with pound notes for youis my money different?

Diana was so furious at that moment the vets assistant thought it best to simply get on with it. And shed made the right call.

Diana Smith was an unusually stubborn woman. Well, needs must. Try raising a child alone, looking after a pair of elderly parents, and all on a nursery nurses salarysee if you dont grow a backbone yourself.

She knew how to stand up for herself, no question. And yet Diana was kindness itselfshe adored children and cats, and sometimes even dogs, despite a childhood fear of them.

She didnt let anyone push her around: not nosey neighbours, not parents bringing their children to her class, not strangers who, every now and then, assumed this petite, solitary woman was easily taken advantage of.

The remarkable thing was, Diana always managed to calm things down. She didnt shout, she rarely raised her voice, but shed produce just the right argument, and suddenly the other persons hostility would melt. Arguments fizzled, and somehow, Diana would end up in a quiet corner with whoeverd been shouting at her, and the next minute they were confiding in her about their troubles. Diana would nod, sympathise, and wait. After a while, theyd usually thank her, apologise, and go on their way.

How it worked, Diana never knew. She couldnt have explained what sore spot to press so someone felt their pain. She simply listenedsincerely, quietly. Perhaps that was the key.

But this giftif it was oneworked in only one direction. Diana got on with anyone, except those closest to her.

Her husband legged it a week after the wedding. Her own mother would later joke he lasted too long.

It stung, but Diana had to admitthere might be something in what her mum said. She wasnt exactly cut out for domestic life. When her husband left, hed laughed right in her face, The only thing youll be a woman for is not being a dancerand I cant dance either!

Of course, Diana was hurt.

But in a couple of months, she discovered she was pregnant, and she felt better. She was a woman, after allhusbands dont give birth!

Diana waited for her daughters arrival as shed never waited for Christmas or her own birthday. Her life, up until then, was quiet, colourless, and lacking in celebrations. This, thoughthis was an event!

Her mother was less than supportive in Dianas determination to become a parent.

Why, Diana? Its a burden! Youre young, still pretty, youve got prospects. But if you go through with this, youll spend your life eating baked beans! And thatll be your childs fate too! Children? Far too expensive, Diana! You dont see it now, but you will

Mum, isnt that how we lived?

Exactly, Diana! And whats good about it?

Of course, Diana thought about it. Shed always done as her mother told her, but this time something inside rebelled.

Whenever she tried to imagine not having her child, darkness closed over her and she couldnt breathe. How could she destroy what was already inside her? Even more than the tiny life she hardly knew, it was the feeling that everyone was wrongshe *could* be not just a woman, but a mother. Someone wanted to deny her that. It never crossed her mind that only she could make that choice. Instead, she simply protected her childand herself, her wholeness and her future.

Her gran settled the matter by turning up in Sheffield, adjusting the special scarf she only wore for holidays and announcing, Have the baby, Diana! Ill help you!

Gran! What about Grandad? Hes on his own in the village!

Hes tough as old boots; hell manage. If not, well fetch him here.

She carefully placed a neat bundle on the table: Diana recognised her grandmothers embroidered towel, once crafted for a birthday.

Go on, open it!

Diana had never seen so much money in her life before or since.

Grandad sold the old family housethe new roads going right through the village. The lands worth a fortune, all the savings are here. Its enough for a small flat. The rests up to you.

I cant, Gran

You can, and you will. Not for yourself, but for the child. Who else is going to care for them, if not their mother?

That bundle of cash proved the final straw between Diana and her own mother.

Oh, I see nowyouve come bearing gifts, when I asked for help and you said no! Now you turn up with a silver platter?

Her grandmother kicked Diana out of the room so she could have a long private word with her daughter.

But she never did manage to change Dianas mums mind. She could not comprehend why Diana, with all her supposed faults, was now being handed everything a woman in her situation could wish forhelp, support, even a flat. What more could she want? Even a lottery win wasnt this good!

Diana never understood why all this happened to her. She hadnt done anything terrible, shed got pregnant after getting married, which was normal enough. The fact that things hadnt worked out wasnt all her fault, after all. As Gran put it, If a pair of horses is pulling a cart, and it gets stuck, its both their faultnot just one.

And the stallion should do the lions share anyway! Dont fret, Dianalook at how young you are.

Diana never stopped thanking her grandmother for everything.

With typical determination and uncanny foresight, her granny secured a four-bedroom flat. It was an old building and needed a lot of work, but that hardly mattered. A team of cheery, dark-haired builders, managed by a very stern foreman and keen supervision from Gran, had the place shipshape in two months. For the first time ever, Diana tiptoed into her room to find a cot already set up, and burst into tears.

What are you crying for, silly girl? This is a day for celebrating! Gran briskly wiped Dianas nose and ordered, Come on, time to try out your new kitchen!

Clara arrived a little early. Diana had been anxious, but it all turned out fine. Her daughter grew strong, healthy, and uncommonly gentle. That was no surprise, really. Diana, still feeling the sting of her own mothers criticism, vowed never to treat her own child that way.

Gran became closer to you than anyone! Of courseshe bought you a flat, helps with the baby And what about me? You wont even let me babysit!

Mum, youre always welcome! Just pleaseno rows; Clara gets frightened.

She gets frightened? Shes a baby! She doesnt even understand yet! Whats so scarymy voice?

Mum, you dont just speakyou shout Diana was on the verge of tears.

Her mother simply refused to listen.

Youll see how you like it when your own daughter gives you grief!

She wont! The tears vanished.

She will! Its all in how you raise them! I spoiled you, Diana, and now Im living with the consequences. Youve walked all over me, my darling daughter! And now you dont even need your own mother!

Thank you, Mum. Dianas voice became as calm as ever.

For what? Her mother was thrown by this sudden composure.

For the lesson. Now I know what *not* to do! Thank you for keeping me from making the same mistake.

What on earth are you on about?

Her patience snapped, but Diana wasnt listening anymore.

In her mind, only one thing stuck: I wont be that kind of mum!

Easier said than done.

Diana wasnt at all sure she was getting it right. Clara wasnt fussy or naughty, but she had a will of her own, and even as a toddler, knew what she wanted.

Mum, can I have a sweetie?

Clara, after lunch.

Not even one?

No, darling.

All right, Mum. But after lunch, can I have two? Ill eat up everything!

Diana would laugh at her scheming little girl and, after Clara finished her lunch, hand over two sweets.

Well done!

It was a small thing, but all these moments helped shape Clara’s character. She soon realised that tantrums were useless and even managed to talk her excitable gran round by opening her big blue eyes:

Gran, please dont get crossits not pretty! And youre pretty. No wrinkles, pleasecome here!

What for? her grandmother would grumble, but fall silent all the same.

Clara would climb onto her lap and smooth out her forehead and the corners of her eyes.

There, seemuch better! All smooth, youre beautiful again.

Diana would chuckle, watching her mother melt under Claras little hands, but wisely kept quiet.

In time, the family calmed.

Diana worked, and her gran (with Grandad, who sold his smallholding and moved into town) looked after Clara.

They managed.

Things got hard when Gran fell ill. The doctors refused to promise anything, but Diana didnt need their words; she understood.

Gran, maybe we should go to London for treatment?

No use, love. Ive lived my life, Im not scared to go. I just hate leaving you, or Grandad. Promise youll look after him.

Dont say that!

Ah, dont mind me, love.

It was during this time that Clara brought home her cat.

The day Chivvy arrived was the day Diana nearly lost her daughter. Clara left school as usual, turned onto their street but didnt come home.

Grandad, fetching her from school, missed her by just a couple of minutes.

Where does a child vanish on a straight suburban street? Unsolved mystery!

They all searched: classmates and parents, older kids, Diana herselfcalled back from workand even Gran.

But Clara found her way home.

She burst in just as Diana was ready to phone the police, her face swollen with weepingso pained and desperate a look Diana didnt say a word, just grabbed the old blanket and swaddled the nearly lifeless cat she found in Claras arms.

Are you all right, darling? Are you hurt?

No! Mum, hes hurt! Not me!

So Diana ran.

It was only a few minutes walk to the local vet, but by the time she arrived, Diana knew she had a cat now. Clara had found him and clearly wasnt giving him up. Which meant Diana would have to look after him too.

All in all, things werent as bad as feared. The dogs, from whom some workmen fixing the school boiler had rescued the poor cat, didnt manage to do much harm. He was battered and bitten, a bit roughed up but basically sound. The vet patched him up and handed Chivvy over.

Here you goand make sure you get his jabs done once hes back on his feet! You say hes a house cat, but hes got no papers.

Diana nodded and winced at the size of the bill.

Thats enough to buy a couple of pedigree cats, she muttered, but paid up.

Back home, emptying her purse on the table, Diana recalculated her budget with a frown.

She came up short for the month; she still needed to buy medicine for the cat, for Gran, and a birthday gift for Clara, whose big day was coming up. Birthdays meant a lot to Diana, who rarely had presents as a child. She tried to make sure Clara had happy memories of hers.

Mum, can I ask something? Clara, well past bedtime, crept into the kitchen and hugged her.

What is it, love?

Dont buy me presents, okay? Can I keep himcan he be my birthday present?

Diana hugged her back and gazed at the sweaty little cat curled up by her foot. She tried to settle him into a box, but he stubbornly climbed out again to snuggle close, purring loudly whenever her hand came near.

Needless to say, Diana agreedand Chivvy stayed.

Surprisingly, this battered stray adapted in no time to the comforts of home. Well-mannered, he caused neither Clara nor Diana any trouble, and especially loved the old folks. He rarely left Grans side.

Strangely, he began to change the familys fortunes.

After paying Chivvys vet bills, Diana had had enoughshe was sick of scraping by on a nursery nurses salary and two pensions. But something always held her back from making a change, the fear of losing the little security she had. The cat changed that.

She finally quit. Terrifying as it was, she started working as a nanny in a well-to-do family recommended by a friend and couldnt believe she hadnt done so sooner.

Since then, Diana had no bother finding work. Families passed her name on like a treasured secret and, with every new job, her pay went up. People knew how precious it was to find a nanny you could trust.

Every night, Diana would tickle Chivvys old ear as she came in.

Chivvy, thank you. If it werent for you

Chivvy would purr, paw at her hand, and glance at Clara. He loved Diana, but he belonged to Clarahe spent most of his time with her, except for the odd hour Gran might summon him to her room.

He was always there for Clara: as she sat at her desk doing homework, hed lounge on the table, gently pinning down her exercise book with his paw and helping with her sums.

Later, hed sit next to Clara outside Grans door as she quietly wiped away tears, saying goodbye to the grandmother she owed so much.

He was there when Grandad, heartbroken, followed Gran just months later.

He watched as Diana, unexpectedly smitten, met a good man and, after much thought, let herself say yes, so shed never again hear she wasnt good enough. Her new husband idolised her for the kind, nurturing soul even shed refused to believe in. He insisted on protecting her from everyone, winning over her mother in no timeespecially after handing her the keys to his car.

Now Dianas mother would sweep out of her block of flats, tray of seedlings in arms, and gush to the neighbours: Thats my son-in-law, giving me a lift to the allotment.

By the time Clara was in college, she was thoroughly independent. She got along well enough with her stepdad, but chose to remain in the flat shed grown up in.

It was there she brought her boyfriend home.

Blimey, Clara, you live like royalty!

Oh, come off it!

Theres so much room! Hang onwhats that?

A hissing, growling ball of fur shot out from Claras bedroom and lunged at Dennis. He shrieked, jumping out of reach from the furious cat.

Get rid of him! Please!

Clara gathered up the cat, but Dennis and Chivvy never really called a truce.

Dennis couldnt abide Claras cat. He shooed the animal away at every opportunity, always making sure Clara didnt see.

A year later, Clara and Dennis were married. But cracks began to show. Dennis would make remarks at which Diana would have been both stunned and outraged. Clara heard the same things Diana once did.

What kind of woman are you, Clara? This isnt a stewits coloured water! You cant cook. What sort of wife are you?

Gran had taught Clara to cook, and you couldnt call someone who made her first stew at ten an incompetent.

There was little else for Dennis to pick fault withuntil Chivvy gave him an excuse.

Whats wrong with him, anyway?! Dennis stared at a vets bill. Clara, have you completely lost it? I never spend that much on myselfhes just a ball of fluff!

Dennis, Chivvy is not a ball of fluff! Hes family.

Whose family? Not mine! Theres no way I want that sort of relative, thank you.

What are you saying?

What you heard. If it happens again, Ill throw him out myself!

Clara, whod discovered that very morning she was expecting, said nothing just thenshe thought theyd talk later.

But Chivvy, elderly now, had another mishap, and Clara had to get ready for yet another vet visit. Thats where Dennis found her after his run.

He was very strict about his healthate right, jogged daily, and always scolded Clara for not getting the basics. Health is everything!

When he heard the cat needed more treatment, Dennis flung his trainer at the wall and shouted:

Thats itwere not keeping this animal! Im not wasting all that money on a useless fur coat! Out of my house!

Then Ill go too! For once, Clara lost her coolyou could blame hormones, or her nerves were just frayed.

Then go! Ive had enough. Why should I put up with this?

Something changed in the air, and, for the first time, even Clara realised she would rather raise her child alone than in such a family.

She didnt remind Dennis that it was her flat, or that it was odd for him to throw both her and the cat out. She simply reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulled out his keys, held them tight, and, opening the door with her own, turned to him.

Im pregnant. I cant get stressed, I cant argue. The cat understands. You dont. Please leave now; when you calm down, well talk. But I cant go on with you. If you can throw away someone whos shared so much of my life just because hes old and inconvenient, whatll happen to me when you get bored of me? You clearly dont care about my feelings. Isnt that right? Well. We had some good times, Dennis, and thank you for that. But now the bad outweighs the good, and I wont have that in my life anymore. Nor, Im sure, in yours. So pleasejust go. Collect your things later. Weve got to get Chivvy to the vet, hes in pain. Thats my responsibility.

Dennis didnt argue. He chucked his gym bag, car documents, and jacket into a pile, and slammed the door behind him.

Clara knew he never even registered the news about the babyDennis could only think of getting rid of the cat.

So she set the carrier down, waited for Chivvy to climb innow with no objection at alland said:

Ready? Lets go. Time to make some changes. We’ll start with your health!

Chivvy got wellthough his age showed, and Clara would have more vet visits, waiting patiently for him to deign to enter the carrier so a tiny hand could reach out and stroke his fluffy tail. He never allowed such liberties from anyone except Claras own little daughter, who was permitted absolutely everything.

And Clara would never have a better nannysomeone who, in five minutes, could put a giggling child to sleep with a paw curled over her on the pillow. Her daughter would look so like Diana, Clara almost considered giving her the same name, but her own mum talked her out of it.

Talk it over with Dennisits your child together. You wont be together as a couple, but shell always be with you. You did everything to make things work, now you need to do morekeep things civil for her sake. It wont be easy, but for your little girl, its worth the effort.

Clara took her mothers advice, much to Denniss surprise.

Thats not like the wisdom of women I ever noticed before.

Well, Im growing up, I suppose. What do you think?

My thanks, Clarareally, thank you.

For what, exactly?

For not putting your stubbornness above our childs needs. Ill help out, Clara.

And Dennis kept his word.

So little Alice would split her time between two homes, never quite knowing why grown-ups had to arrange things this way. Shed have two beds and two favourite teddies, one at each house. Two wonderful grandmothers, Diana and ValDenniss mum. But one love between them all, and Alice would soak it up, convinced that if grown-ups loved her so much and wanted her happiness, they couldnt possibly be strangers to one another. Shed communicate this tiny but vital truth to each of them, just as Clara had done as a girluniting them and helping them let go of old grievances.

Only the old cat knew the whole truth about Alice. But hed never tellnot because he couldnt speak, but because there was simply no need.

After all, its obvious: if the mother cat is gentle, so will be her kittens.

And little Alice was all right in that department. One day, shed give new life to the world herself, bending over a cot to trace her finger along a babys cheek, just as her mother had before her, and her gran before that, and whisper:

Hello there, little one. Ive been waiting for youLet me tell you a secret: love is expensive, and its worth every last penny.

Shed smile, a familiar warmth blooming in her chesta feeling handed down through the simple miracles of second chances, battered kittens, and women who never quite break no matter how life tests them. The flat would be quiet in the gentle glow of evening, broken only by a rhythmic, ancient purring from the basket by the bed.

Years might pass and even the fluffiest companions one day slip quietly into dreams, but what remains is the hush after heartbreak, the laughter stitched between disasters, the stubborn hope that says: love is always, always enough.

In that flat, in all the voices and silences and gentle touches, Clara would stand by the window, her little girl sleeping softly nearby. If you watched her long enough you’d see itthe glint of stubborn kindness in her eyes, the old resilience, and the memory of a cat with a lions heart. Youd understand how the chain had stretched but never snapped.

Tomorrow would bring worries and work, birthdays and vet bills, reunions and farewells. But tonight, the world was quiet and soft, miracles curled up on every pillow, and loveexpensive, bruised, extravagant lovewas home at last.