Bittersweet Bliss

Complicated Happiness

– Wait, what do you mean were getting a divorce? Denis, is this your idea of a joke?

Lucy stared at her husband, bewildered. Divorce? After nearly twenty-five years together! In fact, it was exactly two weeks until their anniversary. Shed spent weeks planning the dinnerwell, clearly that was off now. The invitations had already gone out, the whole family due to descend, friends constantly ringing to ask what present they should bring. Even Julia, her best friend, who couldnt make it because she was six months pregnant, had already sent a gift. Julia wouldnt be there in person, which was a real shame; she lived far away now and travelling wasnt an optionnot in her condition. Still, Lucy thought, theyd celebrate together one day; after all, it was Julia whod first introduced Lucy to Denis when hed been just another face at university. Julia had been the loudest at the wedding too, shouting Kiss! at the top of her lungs, hiding behind Lucys bridal bouquet (which Lucy never bothered to throw; she handed it straight to her mate).

– I dont get what your Nicks waiting for, letting a girl like you go!

– Hell come round, Lucy, he always does, – Julia said as she fixed Lucys hair before the wedding. – Everything in its own time. Hes got some growing up to do. Whats the point in marrying half a man? Just to end up splitting all your things and your children a couple of years in? No thanks. Id rather wait.

– Predicting a lot in two years, eh? – Lucy doubled over with laughter, watching Julia powder her nose with a huff.

– If youre in, youre all in! Never halfway!

– And kids, Julia? Straight off the bat?

– Absolutely. Twins, if Im lucky. Then its done and I have the full set! Theres a good chance; twins run in both families.

– Youd still have to raise them, mind.

– Raising two is easier than one, trust me.

– Oh? – Lucy arched an eyebrow. Julia always did have a head on her shoulders. In childhood, whenever there was mischief, everyone else got caught except Julia, who managed to keep herself clear of suspicion but tried to protect her friends, unless they decided to go their own way. Then Julia would just stand back and watch the consequences.

– Its all about healthy competition, if you do it right. Built-in playmate. And I get mother-of-the-year status for doing double the work. Want me to keep going?

– Please dont! – Lucy nearly cried with laughter, though she was pretty sure Julia would get everything she wanted anyway.

And she had, only with triplets instead of twins. It was as if some higher power had more of a sense of humour than Julia herself, testing her to see how shed cope.

Julia coped brilliantly. By then, Deniss family finally accepted her. She never fussed over anyone, but she got on with everyone, ready to help at the drop of a hat. Usually, the help involved Julia organising her husband, whod rather do anything else than play the knight in shining armour. But Julia was always two steps ahead:

– The day will come when we need help. What then? People remember who helps out. So, if you want chips and mushrooms for tea, go assemble your mums new wardrobe. Two hours for you, a much better day for her. Tell her Ill do the windows next weekend.

When Julia finally needed help with the triplets, two grandmas and a grandad (her own father had long since passed) were at the ready, night and day. She brought her babies through the tricky early weeks, then enrolled at university for a law degree.

– Julia, are you completely mad? How will you find the time for all this? – Lucy genuinely couldnt believe it.

– Whos going to dare fail the mother of three? My brain wont rot during maternity, and Ill come out a lawyer and economist in one go. Whats so bad about that?

Julia got her qualification and convinced her employer to trust her with the salary; she argued it would cover a nanny.

– But Julia, youll hardly have anything left over!

– I dont need the nanny, reallygrandmas have it all under control. The boss doesnt need to know that. What matters is experience. A degrees just paper; nobody trusts a rookie. Ill get by on a minimum salary for now, then pick what I want later.

Lucy marvelled at Julia. How did she do everything? Lucy, ever since she was a child, hated making decisionseven picking out tights was a headache.

– But once you decide, you always get it right. Me, Im always dithering! – Julia reassured her. – Youre the dependable one, Lucythe sort who never lets anyone down.

Dependable. Thats what Denis was running from! How could he? Why?! Sure, not having children had made things complicated, but theyd come to terms with it. Lucy once considered adopting. Shed worked in childrens homes and realised she couldnt bring herself to adopt; not for lack of means, but fearing shed never truly be that childs mother.

– You just havent met your child yet, – Mrs. Robinson, the manager of the childrens home, liked to say. Lucy would watch the children playing, aching with longing.

– What if I never do? What if I was never meant to be a mother? – Lucy would say, turning away to unpack boxes of donated gifts.

– Then you werent meant to. Better that than trying and failing, then leaving more heartache behind. Ive seen plenty. See little Michael? Twice sent back.

– But hes only five! How?

– First family had him two years, then their own child was borncommon story, sad as it sounds. Second family, well… two of their own, and then three adopted. It all proved too much. Michael was number four, lost in the mix. Not enough love to go around. He stopped eating, asked to go back to the home. The psychologist tried, but it didnt work.

– He just stopped? – Lucy was horrified.

– Just so. Didnt even want water. Wanted to come back because, he said, No one loves me. Honestly, Lucy, I wonder if theres enough love in the world to fix that.

Lucy left the home in pieces, ready to start paperwork for Michael. Julias words stopped her:

– Sure you have enough love? Dont rush. This is a person, not a puppy. If its just pity, walk away. Youll only hurt him. You want a trial run, borrow one of mine! See what its like.

Lucy never did. She kept her distance but always thought of Michael, a little lighthouse warning her to do no harm.

She hugged herself, shivering. Why so cold? It was only autumn and the heating was on. Should she help Denis pack? Which bits would he need? Warm jumpers yet? Summers never last long herenothing like Mums place in Devon. Winters always seemed easier down there; shed never really felt cold, rushing off to the moors with her mum on the weekends.

Now, Lucy just wanted her mum, long gone. Or her husband, who was really all she had left. She missed silly mornings, Denis making coffee at midnight just because, impromptu trips to the theatre, or wandering down woodland paths. Theyd had no luck planning anythingthe best days were always unplanned, spontaneous, wonderfully chaotic.

Now all that belonged to her past. Denis would move onhe had a new woman, and she was pregnant. Was that it? Or had their marriage always been built on sand? She could have endured the first, but not the second. That would mean shed never truly been a wife, never really made him happy, not even enough to keep him from leaving.

Lucy stood at the kitchen window, knees pulled to the radiator, frozen by fear and indecision, listening to Denis packing up. As the front door slammed, she let go of the sill only to smash the flower pot Julia had once brought. She screamed, emotion boiling over.

It didnt help. The dark soil scattered across the kitchen brought her back to her senses. Everything was black now, she thought; there was no light left. Denis had taken all of it with him.

But there was always one guiding point

Lucy peeled herself from the radiator, crossing the kitchen barefoot, oblivious to the pain of glass in her foot, and picked up her phone.

– Julie

It wasnt even a sob, more an animal howl. She managed little elseJulia didnt need more words.

– Hes gone?

– Yes

– Understood. Ill come tomorrow.

– Dont you dare! Are you mad?! If something happens to you or the baby Ill never forgive myself. Hold on – Lucy paused, realising. – Did you know?

– Not really, but I suspected. Last time you visited, Denis couldnt meet my eye. It all clicks now, Lucy. Truly, all for the best.

– Best? Theres nothing left! Ive lost everything! My whole lifes gone to the dogs. What do I do now?

– Buy yourself a new dress.

– What?

– You heard me. The red one you backed out of. Go, buy it. Now, this minute. I want to see a photo. Dont sit at home moping! And then get on a train or plane. Well go to the hillsI need it just as much as you do. Feds at rugby for a week, and the girls are off at camp. Its now or never. Dont let a pregnant woman down! Message me your travel details in half an hour.

Lucy stared at her phone. What now?

The answer came easily. She stood in front of the mirror, took a good look. She wasnt a teenager anymore, but she wasnt ancient either. Time to move. If she didnt get up now, she probably never would.

She sent messages, cancelled all her plans, rang the restaurant and tidied up. She picked up a broomforgot all about the vacuum cleaner.

The dress fit perfectly. Bright red, nothing like her usual wardrobe. Shed always left the bold fashion choices to Julia. Julia could pull off anything, but Lucy always preferred blending in. Not today. The woman in the mirror was tired and rattled, yes, but not broken. There was something left.

She understood, too, why Denis had left. Hed been used to her for so long. They had become more than partners: friends. And betraying a friend is always so much harder.

The train journey was long, with a connection. Didnt matter; it was a distraction.

Their walk in the hills together was perfect. They came back down lighter, having talked or just walked in companionable silence. Julias logic always made the impossible seem trivial and made Lucy consider options shed never noticed.

– Move back. Whats left for you? The business? There are children and parents everywhere. Theyre building new estates all over townopen as many play centres as you like! Your dads getting older. You always meant to bring him closer. Now you can do it without too much upheaval.

Lucy thought about itand by the end of this impromptu retreat, she had decided that was what shed do.

She divorced Denis, sold the flat and the car, and handled all the paperwork. It wasnt easy cutting ties, but she made herself delete his number and ordered herself to forget.

Back in Devon, she found new life. Spring was early, blossoms everywhere. She bought a flat near her father but didnt move in with him, finding him happy with his companion, Mrs. Valentine. Lucy was glad for him. She knew her parents love had ended not in heartbreak, but with hope.

– Your fathers still quite the catch, eh, Lucy? – Mrs. Valentine had a warm smilethe sort that made Lucy believe in love, even if it hadnt come easily to her. Maybe shed get her chance yet.

The year flew by. She opened two new play centres in town, enough to keep her mind from wandering. She changed her hair, her dress sense, and finally got a dog, something shed always wanted. Still, the emptiness crept up on her in the evenings. Shed sit in the dark kitchen, swirling cold tea, and wish Denis would walk in, flick the lights on, and say, Whats up, Luce? Shall I make you a cuppa?

Lucy knew she had to let go completely but couldnt crush that sliver of yearning.

A tax problemsomething minor that cropped up more than a year after selling her businesskicked her back into action. Time to travel, get it sorted.

She resolved it quickly, leaving her with a spare afternoon in her old town. She wandered the familiar streets, past her old home and the park where she and Denis used to stroll on weekends. She lingered outside the play centre shed founded, watched from the window as children giggled over paint pots, a young teacher showing off his bear impression. He was good, the kids loved him. That was what mattered most.

On her way back, Lucy came to the park, its new benches and restored fountain unfamiliar. She stopped in surprise: was that Denis, slumped on a bench, pushing a pram back and forth? He looked smaller, as if he was trying to vanish. She couldnt just walk by.

– Denis

He flinched at her voice, keeping his eyes down.

– Hello, Lucy.

She sat beside him.

– How are you?

The words sounded so silly she nearly left, but stayed, watching him stop the pram and finally look at her.

– Not great, Lucy. Im alone. Lost everything, really. A stupid mistake, and it cost me all I cared about.

– Liar, – Lucy replied softly. – You have a child. More than you ever gave me.

She nodded at the pram.

– Boy or girl?

– A daughter. Her names Eve.

– A new wife, a babywhat more could you want?

– Theres no wife. Mila died not long after Eve was born.

Lucy gasped. Oddly, she didnt care now that Mila had been part of why everything fell apart. She only felt sorry for the young woman whod thought shed found happiness at a Christmas party, never to enjoy it for long. Denis absentmindedly rocked the pram again.

They sat in silence for ages. When they finally spoke, it was all words tumbling over each other, things unsaid for two years. By the time Eve woke, park lights were flicking on and the stars were coming out.

Lucy stood to catch a glimpse of Eve, and her breath caught.

When you see your child, youll know, Mrs. Robinsons old words floated through her mind.

Six months later, Mrs. Robinson led a serious, dark-haired boy into her office and nodded at Lucy before leaving them alone.

– Michael, do you know why Ive come?

– For me.

– Do you want to live with me?

– Dunno. Dont think youll take me.

He studied her with cool indifference. That brief spark, when she showed a photo of Denis and Eve, flickered and died.

– Is that your husband?

– Yes.

– Your daughter?

– No, not mine.

The spark brightened, and Lucy leaned in.

– She isnt mine, Michael. But I will be her mum, and yours, if you want that too.

– Youll send me back.

– Why?

– They all send me back.

– Im not everyone. Do you know why?

– No.

– Because I know what its like to lose everything, to feel unloved. Its awful.

– I know

– Do you know what a mum is, Michael?

– No.

– Someone who wont let anyone hurt her child.

– Do you feel sorry for me?

Lucy thought for a moment.

– No. I dont want to pity you. I want to care for you. I want you to be happy. And to be a big brother to Evebrave and kind, someone wholl look after her. Do you think you can help me? Because I dont know how to be a mum yet, but I really want to learn, for you and for Eve. Will you help?

Michael nodded, just once, and Lucy finally breathed out.

A few years later, the new familyMichael, skinny and watchful, Eve, lively as everwere rambling up a Devon hillside, Lucy laughing in their wake.

– Eve! There are wolves in these woods!

– No, there arent!

– There are, and great big bears, too. Starving!

– Their mother didnt make them porridge?

– Nope. She cant cook porridge.

– Ours can.

– Yes.

– She should make porridge for the bears! Then they wouldnt be hungry.

– Mum! Eve says you have to feed porridge to the bears!

– Semolina? – Lucy caught up to her wild pair, breathless.

– Mum, you cant do semolina at allit’s always lumpy! – Eve was horrified.

– Cheeky! – Lucy scooped her up, nuzzled her nose. – Maybe the bears like lumps.

– Give them mine tomorrow! And the honey you bought yesterday!

– Not a chance! I like that honey. Are you going to walk or get carried?

– You carry me!

– Then over to Dad you go! – Lucy handed Eve to Denis, ruffled Michaels hair. – How about you, Michael? Ready for bear-feeding duty?

– Mum, Im not ready to go home yet. If Eve keeps feeding the animals, well never leave the hotel. Maybe let the bears stay hungry a bit?

Lucy laughed and looked back at the trail.

– Eve, well feed the bears later. Ill learn to make proper porridge.

– Alright! – Eve agreed quickly, and Lucy and Michael exchanged glances.

– Oh, Mum! – Michael muttered, rolling his eyes.

– Oh, son! – Lucy returned. – Dont take your eyes off her. Otherwise, shell be bringing all sorts of creatures home and well have to love them, too.

Their laughter swept across the bright hillside and faded into the morning.

Looking back, I see now that loss isnt the end. Life puts you through twists and trials, but if you keep moving, keep reaching out, hope returnsa little older, a little wiser, but ready to love again. Thats what happiness is for me: picking yourself up, helping someone else, and daring to believe in the warmth and light coming round again.